House Updates

So, we have made an offer on two houses. One of them was accepted today and sent to the bank for approval. Now we have to wait anywhere from 3 weeks to 3 months to see if the bank will move forward with the short sale. I'm getting really excited and hoping that one of the two works out because both would be a great opportunity for Kyle and I to start our lives in. They are actually both right across the street from each other and both are 3 bedroom 3 bathrooms. Our first priority is very immaculate and has been well taken care of (these were both built in 2005 by the way) and we love the layout the most overall. The 2nd floor has jack and jill bathrooms in between the two additional rooms which I found way cute. It also has a way nice back patio and an area where we could plant grass. The 2nd house (the one with the accepted offer) is also very nice and has a much bigger yard. The yard will definitely be a project, but i'm okay with that. The layout isn't as great upstairs, but the layout downstairs is super open and nice.
Both houses would make me incredibly happy; now I just have to be patient and wait to see what happens. In the meantime, I'm going to continue to work my ass off and save up money.

Kyle got hurt today at work. I feel like crap because he didn't want to stress me out so I didn't even find out until after work. It really gets to me that my illness can be so overwhelming that my number one in life can't even tell me when he is hurt. It's hard when I didn't even get the chance to be there for him and although I know his intentions were good, i have to know about things like that. I can't spend my days wondering if he is really okay if I haven't heard from him. I hate the line of work he is in and I can't wait until he can finally get out of it. I care about him way too much to have to constantly worry about things going wrong. He will be okay, but his arm was pretty torn up (to the muscle) and he had to get a lot of stitches. At least his work will pay for it (like they should).

So, that's my updates for now. Now I am off to sleep so I can get up and do another long day.

Moving Forward

So, life is going to be super busy for awhile. I just started school this week on top of working full time and to make life even more busy Kyle and I are looking to buy a house together. We've already qualified for a loan, so now we are at the fun part of looking at houses and making an offer. We found one we really really love yesterday. It was built int 2005 but it has been so taken care of that it looks brand new. It's a 3 bedroom 3 bathroom which we don't necessarily need now but it could be good for the future. :) It also has a little yard for Laila to play in which is really important to me at least. We are going to look at another house today that is right across the street so hopefully that one works out well so we have some choices. Either way, It will be awhile because we are going for short sales so that we can make some money on the house when we want to resell. I'm actually hoping everything comes through around Christmas time so that I can be completely done with school.

My body is hating my new schedule of pretty much 15 hour days now that school has started. I've been really sick and drained, but at least its my last semester. I only have 14 weeks left and I will have my bachelor's degree and then I can focus on my career and building my life with Kyle. I can't believe how much I can handle though. Even four months ago, I didn't think I could ever hold down a full time job because of being sick all the time. I'm glad that I face my fears in life instead of running and I love proving to myself just how strong I am and how much I can do if I wanted it bad enough.

I don't know if I believe in God, but I do believe that we are given challenges in life so that we can grow and learn from them. In that sense, I feel extremely lucky because I know that I am going to be a very strong person. I've gone through quite a bit and I'm finally getting to the point where I just can't feel bad about it anymore. It's extremely comforting to know that I can get through the day, that I can work, that I can still go out and have fun despite feeling pretty crappy most of the time. It's amazing that I have found someone who can be equally supportive while still pushing me to be better at the same time. I never saw my life going in the direction it has, but I'm really happy that it is. I'm excited/anxious to finally start moving forward with a new chapter in life.

Updates 10 Aug 2011

So, I'm finally locked in at my job. It is such a good feeling to finally know that for sure I have a job. That, even though I'm going back to school, I will still have financial stability and still be able to work towards my goals. It's amazing how if I just back off in my life a little bit that the little pieces actually fall into place. Sometimes I need to remember to just relax and live in the moment because stressing about the future doesn't really help me get to it. I already know my plans, I know what needs to be done, so I just need to suck it up and work my ass off until I make it. My goals right now are to get my debt paid down as much as I possibly can by the beginning of next year so that I can move out with Kyle. Kyle's main focus right now is to get a more stable job that we know will last through winter seasons.

I can't believe that I start school in less than two weeks. I would say I was excited, but I'm really not. I'm so burned out with school and ready to be done, especially since I already have a job in what I'm majoring in. I'm just going to push through it though because it's my last two classes and I will officially have a bachelor's degree. Can't believe that I will already be done with college this December. It feels like i just started high school ha ha, I hate how fast time flies.

Still working on my stomach problems. It seems to be getting worse for now. On the upside, i got my first chiropractic adjustment last week and it felt AMAZING. I definitely think I am going to get another one tomorrow. I didn't realize how much pain I was putting up with until after that; makes my job so much easier to handle. I'm just thinking that my next step is going to have to be to find a reputable hypnotherapist that can mind fuck me because nothing else seems to be working. Either way, I'm not going to stop fighting through it because once I give up then I have no hope in getting better.

Need to Stop Thinking About Kids

Am I a bad person if I am more excited to have kids then to get married? I feel like I can be happy with a person without necessarily being married. It's not that I'm against marriage; I just feel weird when it comes to all the legal issues. Celebrating your life with someone is awesome, just not sure I want the government involved.

I really want kids though. Ha ha, I feel like I am thinking through things backwards. Obviously, it's going to be awhile because I am not even done with school and I would like to be as financially stable as possible before embarking on a lifetime journey of parenthood. I will be pretty excited when the day comes.

In the last month, I've had two dreams about being pregnant/having a baby. In the first dream, I was pregnant with twin boys that were at different stages. Bizarre, but whatever. Last night I had a dream that I had a baby boy. I'm starting to get the sense that I either really subconsciously want a baby boy or that's what is really going to happen.

Anyway, for now I am going to be a responsible adult and enjoy being young and kidless. I'd like to see some of the world and spend some quality time living with Kyle first before any of this happens.

What I wish I knew then.

We have so much control over everything in life and it's crazy how much we fail to realize it. So often we make excuses for why our lives our shitty, why life is hard, why we can't do things, etc.

I don't know why my body was given the illness that I have, but I have learned some life lessons and some things about myself that have really helped me through some tough things.

First, I have learned that I can withstand way more physical pain then I ever thought possible. This is something I learned pretty young, but it has been interesting to see how many boundaries I have overpassed without wanting to. I know that everything we get through makes us stronger, so I can consider this a good thing.

Second, I have learned that my mind has a tremendous amount of power and control over how I feel about my life. I've also learned that I have the power to control and change it when I want and that I don't have to let fear and anxiety rule my life. This one has been extremely tough to overcome, but I think I am finally starting to get it.

I had a rough time from the age of 13-18. Like any normal person, I had bad things happen to me and people broke my trust. Where I screwed up was my inability to deal with it. Instead of facing it how I should have, I choose to constantly look back on my past as an excuse to feel bad about my life and an excuse to be an unhappy person. Stupid, and so much time wasted. But I know now. Shit happens, pain happens, death happens, trust will be broken, some people are bad. Things happen not necessarily for a reason, but so that I can be broken down and then learn the lesson as I build myself up again. No other type of experience can give me as much growth as pain and that is why I finally consider my illness a good thing. Am I like everyone else? Not at all. I can't go out whenever I want, I can't eat whatever I want, I can't relax in social situations, I can't make a ton of casual friends. It's just not something that is possible for me to achieve at this point in time. However, what I can do is build stronger relationships with those that I am close to, I can open my heart to trust again (Kyle), and I can put myself in a mentally positive position. I can appreciate my life even if it's not what is considered "Cool." I get so sick of the constant competition of who does more crazy shit on the weekend. Guess what? I'm happy spending time with my family, camping, fishing, and going to movies with Kyle. I love appreciating the simple things in life and cuddling up with my puppy. I love being around drama-free people (huge reason why I really like Kyle's family) and I have nothing to prove.

I know who I am, I know where I've been, and I know how to move forward. I know that looking back will never give me anything good. I know that the lessons that were needed have been learned and that the rest of my past needs to be let go. I know that the confidence and belief that I have within is 100x more important than the judgements that people who barely know me can make. I know that I deserve to be around people who treat me well, who are honest, and who are genuinely good. I know that i still have a long road ahead of me and am not nearly done with fighting my illness. I know that I have the power to fight and to have a good life and I know that I won't give up.