Quick Update (Work, Doctor, Kyle, Repeat)

Just a quick update while I have a few minutes to myself. Life has been going pretty crazy still. A lot of work, seeing a new doctor, and trying to balance a relationship with Kyle in the middle of it all. And school hasn't even started for me yet ha ha. Anyway, I'm unsure about my new doctor and whether or not I believe it will work out. I really want it to, but it is definitely a weird and alternative approach.

Kyle and I are about to head up to Huntington Reservoir to go camping and fishing. I'm so excited. So far this year, we've only been to the sand dunes and although it was a fun time, I miss the mountains and fishing. I have a feeling this trip will be a lot more peaceful then the last one as well. I am so excited to get to spend some time with Kyle finally without having to worry about going to bed before work (although we never go to bed early).

I'm really loving life right now despite the challenges I still face. On a daily basis, people at work make me feel stupid/awkward about me not eating. I have no idea how I can explain to them the severity of my illness or if people would even care so I just haven't tried yet. I've told one person, but I'm not sure if I am happy I did. It's definitely a vulnerable feeling knowing that someone knows and that he could tell everyone anytime he wants. Right now, my biggest focus is on my future with kyle and working hard now so I can save up to get a place early next year. I don't want to make the stupid mistake of jumping the gun this time and have all that financial stress on our relationship. I am also 90% sure that I am going to get hired on full-time (benefits and all) pretty soon here. I just want to make sure everything lines up so that I know for sure we can make things work.

Anyway, that's my quick update. I don't have a lot of time to dig into things, but I thought I'd write a bit while I could.
I hope everyone has a fun and safe weekend! :)

Happy Perspective

I am loving life right now. I love being in situations that make me realize that life can really be amazing and that make me grateful for what I have in life. Last night was Crystal (Kyle's sister) and Craig's wedding and it was so fun. First of all, I'm not the typical girl who has always dreamed about having a wedding and everything down to the last detail. In fact, weddings to me have always been kind of stressful. I don't want to worry about planning out every little detail and I also have always dreaded all the formalities that can make weddings feel impersonal. Now, I'm not against these things if that's what you want. It's your day so you should plan accordingly. It's just not for me. I realized last night that it's possible to have a really good wedding while still making it about family and coming together. For awhile, I've wanted to get married on the beach somewhere to keep it small (yes, that's me avoiding stress) and then to just have a reception at home later on. However, I really liked how their wedding was done. It was simple, but it was still elegant and they still followed some of the traditions. It was just a really fun time and allowed family to come together and just celebrate together. That's all I could really hope for.

I love Kyle's family. Whenever I go around, it is always really fun and stress free. Everyone is so accepting and I love getting to see where he comes from and getting to hear any embarrassing stories that people are willing to offer about him. It helps me to see an entire different side of him and it also helps solidify so many of the things that I love about him. I am very lucky to be with someone as amazing and loving as Kyle is. It's been a little over a year and I couldn't ask for a better relationship.

Anyway, after last night I really want to move out to Eagle Mountain. Kyle and I have already been planning to move out sometime next year and I actually really like it out there. The rent is a lot cheaper, the houses are way nice, and it would be nice to be closer to his family.

So, yes, I'm a little high on life right now. :)

Updates July 2011

So speaking of "Fighting for my Life", I am going to a new doctor on Monday. It's another alternative doctor, but I'm getting desperate and my health problems are continuing to spiral downward. It makes it difficult to function as a normal person when every morning I have to wake up 3 hours before work because I get so sick I wouldn't make it on time otherwise. It's hard to have to socially isolate myself because so many focus their interactions around food. It's hard to work 10 hour shifts and not be able to eat a real meal the whole time because I can't afford to get sick at work.

Anyway, he is more focused on the eastern medicine approach and energy flow through the body. Although that may sound weird, the only real therapy that has worked for me so far has been acupuncture which is also an eastern based practice. So, keeping my fingers crossed that this will do some good. He's an hour away so I'm hoping it's worth the drive as well. Either way, I'm going to keep struggling through this because I refuse to give up and accept the state that my body is in. It's bullshit and I'm only 21.

Still waiting to here from my work about whether I'll continue in the same department after this summer. I'm hoping so because I love my section, but there's only so much I can do to make that happen. The rest is up to corporate to decide.

Things with Kyle are going really well even though we are both crazy busy. We're both focusing on trying to save up money right now so that we can move out at the beginning of next year. We're trying to find a house to rent with a good yard for Laila and hopefully close by. My plan is to keep Laila at my parents during the day so she has some buddies to play with and doesn't cry all day. If we can't get a place close by i'll probably have to get her a buddy so she's not completely isolated. Kyle and I both work 10 hour shifts and on top of that he will be going to school too next year.

Blake is moving away which completely freaks me out. I felt like I had so much time before he was gone, but now it's already almost about to happen. He is on of the few that has stayed in my life over the years even when we were both going through a lot. Change in life is good though and I know that I would move out of Utah if I could ha ha.

Anyways, just some quick updates.

Fighting for your life.

I used to take my life for granted and think that the smallest things were such a huge inconvenience. I used to not really care about myself and lived in a self-destructive cycle of numbness. Then, I grew up and realized that the only person who can and who will fight for myself is me. I get tired of hearing people complain about being so unhappy and giving themselves a grocery list of excuses for why their life sucks. And I know life can be a bitch and that bad stuff happens everyday and I know that we all have struggles. Guess what? All anyone has control over is their own actions, their own attitude, and their own choices. If you want to choose to make bad decisions and to have a crappy attitude, then good riddance because your life is going to continue on the path to shit central. If you want to make an actual game plan to improve your life and to find what makes you happy, then you will eventually get there. It doesn't mean it will be easy, but nothing in life should be if it's really important. If your whole life is easy, then you have a serious problem you might want to examine.

I figured this out a long time ago, but it really hit at 18. I thought that I should take out all my problems on those that were close to me and blame it on everyone who wasn't perfect in my life. It was stupid and I learned quickly that 90% of the time the problem is within myself and can be fixed. It's hard to set aside our pride and admit that you were wrong, but I think it's what finally got me to a point in life where I can create my own happiness.

I face a lot of struggles in life on a daily basis and often it can make me feel extremely down. It is hard to appreciate life 100% of the time when I am in constant physical pain. It's hard to reach out to others when I feel the need to isolate and hide my problems because they are too embarrassing or hard to talk about. It's hard for me to keep moving forward with the same positive attitude when for 3 years I have struggled with something far worse then what I struggled with when I was a teenager. It makes me want to kick myself in the ass for being so stupid when I was 14 and for not seeing the bigger picture when my life was still pretty easy. It also makes me realize that all I have is the now and today. If I think today is bad, tomorrow may be even worse. So I appreciate my life as much as I can, forgive myself when I get down, and keep moving forward. Because its the only healthy direction I can survive in.

I didn't ever expect my life to go in this direction, but I realize that I am where I am for a reason and I just have to be happy with the good and see the bad as a learning experience.