So I'm sitting in a parking lot in my car blogging right now because our house is going through it's 24th showing. Oh, by the way, we are selling and building. Why? Why do I do this crap to myself? Our house has been listed for only two weeks and we are already exhausted. It pretty much makes me feel like I am semi homeless due to the fact that I am living out of my car half the time. Sure, I could go visit people, but by the time I get anywhere my house is done being shown so it's kind of pointless. Anyway, I like this approach.. it's nice when I am forced to have some time to write.
Tonight, we are taking our house off the market so we can fix our back fence. About a year and a half ago it was hit by a junkyard car falling off of a trailer. It was a hit and run and it basically became a battle with our HOA on who should fix it. Pretty much, we just decided to be stubborn and leave it because it wasn't cracked enough that our dogs could get out and we didn't feel responsible. Lesson learned... should've fixed it back then. Our real estate agent is worried that it is keeping people from making an offer. We are getting a ton of activity and quite a bit of showings for such a short time and there's nothing else she really thinks should be stopping any offers. So, we are taking it off until it hopefully gets fixed this Thursday and Friday. It was supposed to be fixed today, but that would make life easy and the company that is helping us less flakey.. which so far they have been nothing but.
On a positive note, we get to go pick out all of the custom things for our new house on Thursday. I know that even though it is stressful that things will work out how they are supposed to irregardless. I don't like not knowing what is going to happen since I'm pretty much a control freak over my own life, but it's good to go through this and let go. It's hard not to take house selling personal and to realize that it's just a business transaction. Our first house has been an awesome starter home and we've already had a lot of good memories with it. It will be sad to leave it behind, but we feel like it's the best time for the market right now to get into our more permanent home. We want to provide the best we can for our kids so we'd like a bigger yard and a slightly bigger home in a much better location.
Anyway, here is hoping this part of the journey is over quickly. Definitely ready to be done.
family
Monday, October 28, 2013
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Invisible and Awkward
I sit back sometimes and wonder if my life has any significance to the world around me. I get that I have an impact on my immediate family and I'm not saying that I don't appreciate what I have in my life, but I've always had this sinking feeling that I could disappear and people wouldn't really notice. Maybe the most difficult part is that I have a very vivid memory so I remember everyone that I knew or even just saw in my surroundings throughout my life. I didn't have to be close to someone to take a closer look and to be aware of their existence. There are people that I remember from middle school and I have no idea why that is so easy for me. There are people that I have known and two years later they haven't recognized me if I wave at them (which by the way is devastatingly awkward).
Part of my struggle is that I never really fit into the "accepted crowd" due to religious differences and to the fact that I was pretty much an introvert once I hit puberty. So, I didn't automatically get a huge group of friends because I was in that awkward phase of either being too immoral for the religious kids or being too moral for the kids that were extreme. I've always struggled to relate to people my age and always felt like I was coming from a different planet. And of course, I had my 'angst' stage where I was too focused on being as depressed as possible that I just didn't care. Either way, I had a very small group of friends and that was about it and it was always shifting.
It gets lonely thinking about it sometimes. Thinking about the choices I have made in my life and how it has led me here. Thinking about how unfortunately I stand up for my beliefs and that is enough to outcast me from some people's social circle. Thinking about my expectations for friends and how I have always had a low tolerance for shallow bullshit. Even the people that I interact with now.. sometimes it feels like I'm just going through the motions. I'm saying what I need to say and doing what I need to do but rarely do I get those fulfilling mind-blowing connections with people that I used to. People are friendly, sure, but it just doesn't feel real. Even with Kyle, I have to force myself to stay open, vulnerable, and honest with him. Not because I don't trust or love him, but because I am so damn good at saving face.
I understand that most people are too busy with their own lives to really think about others. I understand that on some degree we are all self-centered. However, to take the effort to really cut me out of your
life /ignore me... I don't understand. I feel like I am pretty careful to not be offensive and I generally accept others even if they have opposite beliefs of me. So, when that happens, it just feels personal. And then I have to wonder what is it that I am doing wrong. Which led to this tailspin of anxiety and thoughts. Even this blog... is like talking to a wall. I know that nobody reads it.. which I think is why it's becoming way easier to write in it. Even though it's public, even though I want so bad just to be real with the people around me, it doesn't really matter. True connections.. they don't really matter anymore... and that's really a damn shame.
Part of my struggle is that I never really fit into the "accepted crowd" due to religious differences and to the fact that I was pretty much an introvert once I hit puberty. So, I didn't automatically get a huge group of friends because I was in that awkward phase of either being too immoral for the religious kids or being too moral for the kids that were extreme. I've always struggled to relate to people my age and always felt like I was coming from a different planet. And of course, I had my 'angst' stage where I was too focused on being as depressed as possible that I just didn't care. Either way, I had a very small group of friends and that was about it and it was always shifting.
It gets lonely thinking about it sometimes. Thinking about the choices I have made in my life and how it has led me here. Thinking about how unfortunately I stand up for my beliefs and that is enough to outcast me from some people's social circle. Thinking about my expectations for friends and how I have always had a low tolerance for shallow bullshit. Even the people that I interact with now.. sometimes it feels like I'm just going through the motions. I'm saying what I need to say and doing what I need to do but rarely do I get those fulfilling mind-blowing connections with people that I used to. People are friendly, sure, but it just doesn't feel real. Even with Kyle, I have to force myself to stay open, vulnerable, and honest with him. Not because I don't trust or love him, but because I am so damn good at saving face.
I understand that most people are too busy with their own lives to really think about others. I understand that on some degree we are all self-centered. However, to take the effort to really cut me out of your
life /ignore me... I don't understand. I feel like I am pretty careful to not be offensive and I generally accept others even if they have opposite beliefs of me. So, when that happens, it just feels personal. And then I have to wonder what is it that I am doing wrong. Which led to this tailspin of anxiety and thoughts. Even this blog... is like talking to a wall. I know that nobody reads it.. which I think is why it's becoming way easier to write in it. Even though it's public, even though I want so bad just to be real with the people around me, it doesn't really matter. True connections.. they don't really matter anymore... and that's really a damn shame.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Macklemore Therapy
Macklemore
"Hold Your Head Up"
(feat. Xperience)
"Hold Your Head Up"
(feat. Xperience)
Hold your head up, there's a light in the sky.
I know you're fed up, but you must try to survive.
Each moment's precious, don't let life pass you by-
Keep focused, keep your eyes on the prize.
A friend of mine once told me,
We have many paths in this journey.
They act in different directions
So when you question don't be worried,
It's not a wrong one-
Beauty can be found in all of them.
You'll meet people whose paths intersect
But you don't know how long you'll walk with them,
Cause' the truth is, and it's so hard, but you'll never know
How long we'll continue with our loved ones down this rugged road.
The path veers and it's clear that we must steer alone.
I've learned if you can't hold on to that moment that exists-
Let it go.
Cause' freedom is god.
Freedom is acknowledging the mask you have on
And possessing the strength to take it off.
Freedom is accepting every step of the path
And when it's hard having faith in the ability to embrace that
That's where you are,
And this is it.
The same shit that we work towards,
But go against in the same sense.
My friend hit me to some game and truth unravelled, she said
"The brighter the light, the darker the shadow",
And since I'm on cliche terms, knowing is half the battle.
But I don't know,
So I just go with what was destined.
Life can be a burden or a blessing,
The choice is yours to be connected.
It's there if you want it, you got it, now let it.
Hold your head up, there's a light in the sky.
I know you're fed up, but you must try to survive.
Each moment's precious, don't let life pass you by-
Keep focused, keep your eyes on the prize.
I feel like I have nothing to give right now,
This is my trial, tribulations, and it must go down,
But where's the up?
I'm stuck with the broken smile,
No jokin' now, wantin' to grab a swish and smoke this out.
The moment of a man choosing what path I will go down
Do I give in, give up, or get up and live right now?
With a split gut, pick myself up and spit my style,
This is the only thing that can holds my ground.
You're born into this world alone and alone you'll go out
All I have is myself and everyone else I doubt.
You can only trust yourself and depend on the help of the pound
Inside the chest that beats with the breath of the now.
No sunshine when she's gone, I can only see clouds.
No homies can hold me down, the spirit's testing me now
But I can withstand this world, but it seems so foul
Flood of emotions, it's like I'm being held down to drown.
Hell's right around the corner, but I can turn it around.
You always have a choice, no matter the situation, you're not bound,
To nothing, no one. You're chosen for this job,
This is your life, you can't escape this bitch when it's hard.
Just know that it passes, but you'll collect scars-
They never go away, but they will make you who you are.
This is a beautiful struggle, I share it in song cause'
I can't control this, remember: the moment's beyond us.
Hold your head up, there's a light in the sky.
I know you're fed up, but you must try to survive.
Each moment's precious, don't let life pass you by-
Keep focused, keep your eyes on the prize.
I know you're fed up, but you must try to survive.
Each moment's precious, don't let life pass you by-
Keep focused, keep your eyes on the prize.
A friend of mine once told me,
We have many paths in this journey.
They act in different directions
So when you question don't be worried,
It's not a wrong one-
Beauty can be found in all of them.
You'll meet people whose paths intersect
But you don't know how long you'll walk with them,
Cause' the truth is, and it's so hard, but you'll never know
How long we'll continue with our loved ones down this rugged road.
The path veers and it's clear that we must steer alone.
I've learned if you can't hold on to that moment that exists-
Let it go.
Cause' freedom is god.
Freedom is acknowledging the mask you have on
And possessing the strength to take it off.
Freedom is accepting every step of the path
And when it's hard having faith in the ability to embrace that
That's where you are,
And this is it.
The same shit that we work towards,
But go against in the same sense.
My friend hit me to some game and truth unravelled, she said
"The brighter the light, the darker the shadow",
And since I'm on cliche terms, knowing is half the battle.
But I don't know,
So I just go with what was destined.
Life can be a burden or a blessing,
The choice is yours to be connected.
It's there if you want it, you got it, now let it.
Hold your head up, there's a light in the sky.
I know you're fed up, but you must try to survive.
Each moment's precious, don't let life pass you by-
Keep focused, keep your eyes on the prize.
I feel like I have nothing to give right now,
This is my trial, tribulations, and it must go down,
But where's the up?
I'm stuck with the broken smile,
No jokin' now, wantin' to grab a swish and smoke this out.
The moment of a man choosing what path I will go down
Do I give in, give up, or get up and live right now?
With a split gut, pick myself up and spit my style,
This is the only thing that can holds my ground.
You're born into this world alone and alone you'll go out
All I have is myself and everyone else I doubt.
You can only trust yourself and depend on the help of the pound
Inside the chest that beats with the breath of the now.
No sunshine when she's gone, I can only see clouds.
No homies can hold me down, the spirit's testing me now
But I can withstand this world, but it seems so foul
Flood of emotions, it's like I'm being held down to drown.
Hell's right around the corner, but I can turn it around.
You always have a choice, no matter the situation, you're not bound,
To nothing, no one. You're chosen for this job,
This is your life, you can't escape this bitch when it's hard.
Just know that it passes, but you'll collect scars-
They never go away, but they will make you who you are.
This is a beautiful struggle, I share it in song cause'
I can't control this, remember: the moment's beyond us.
Hold your head up, there's a light in the sky.
I know you're fed up, but you must try to survive.
Each moment's precious, don't let life pass you by-
Keep focused, keep your eyes on the prize.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Addiction
Addiction has been a big part of my life for too long. My own personal experience was not a substance addiction, but a psychological addiction to self-injury. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's also not something that I'm wanting to hide. It's not even something that I viewed as an addiction, but it was definitely a coping mechanism. It wasn't until I was ready to stop that I realized how difficult it was to break away. I went a year and a half and still caved. I can happily say that my 3 years is on December 23rd of this year. I will never let my guard down with it though and although the urges are minimal, it is almost an instinctual reaction that I will always have to fight when I am in crisis mode. I smoked socially in high school whenever I would drink. I realized how much I enjoyed it so I stopped. I drank a little bit in junior high and more so in high school when it was a social and cool thing to do. And I kept up with that until it became unhealthy.
Now, I get to watch my little sister waste away with her addiction. It's not something my family is proud of, but I'm also done hiding that. I know what ignorant people say about addiction and "junkies". I know it's easier to judge addicts for their actions, rather than their actual disease. Does it mean the actions are any less devastating? Of course not. I know that at this point drugs are more important to my sister and that everything else (including her life) comes second. I'm not here to air out dirty laundry so I won't go into it much more than that, but it is heartbreaking to have no control over what is to surely come.
I am worried for my family. I am worried how we will get through everything no matter what the outcome. I feel like either way it is not going to be easy. I worry that the struggle has already exhausted my family beyond repair. I have learned a lot over the last few years and that is that my family sticks together and stays strong no matter what. I wish that my sister could be a part of how amazing that is and we would welcome her in a second, but I don't know if that will ever happen.
There's so much I don't know about what is to come now. All I know is that I can't control any of it and it sucks. All I can do it look to the future for what I do know. For the good things and for the people that I have in my life now.
Now, I get to watch my little sister waste away with her addiction. It's not something my family is proud of, but I'm also done hiding that. I know what ignorant people say about addiction and "junkies". I know it's easier to judge addicts for their actions, rather than their actual disease. Does it mean the actions are any less devastating? Of course not. I know that at this point drugs are more important to my sister and that everything else (including her life) comes second. I'm not here to air out dirty laundry so I won't go into it much more than that, but it is heartbreaking to have no control over what is to surely come.
I am worried for my family. I am worried how we will get through everything no matter what the outcome. I feel like either way it is not going to be easy. I worry that the struggle has already exhausted my family beyond repair. I have learned a lot over the last few years and that is that my family sticks together and stays strong no matter what. I wish that my sister could be a part of how amazing that is and we would welcome her in a second, but I don't know if that will ever happen.
There's so much I don't know about what is to come now. All I know is that I can't control any of it and it sucks. All I can do it look to the future for what I do know. For the good things and for the people that I have in my life now.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Ashton Kutcher's Life Advice: Actually Pretty Amazing
So, the above video is currently circulating around the internet like crazy. And, to be honest, I can see why. I don't know how truly genuine Ashton Kutcher is as a person because I don't know him. However, this advice freaking rocks.
Opportunity being dressed as hard work (or in his case, looks like hard work) is not the first time those words have been spoken. In fact, Thomas Edison spoke the following words:
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
The second piece of advice is what is considered sexy. Being smart, being thoughtful, and being generous. At first, this seems like a cliche. When I think about what I appreciate most about my husband though, a lot of those qualities really do revolve those three things. More than anything, I love Kyle for the amazing man that he is. He is extremely caring and always doing what he can to make our lives better. Even when we first met, he would stay up late with me while I studied just to help keep me awake even though he had to work at 7 am in the morning. Fortunately, my parents gave me the advice of sticking to who I am early on in life so I was never afraid to be the smart kid in school. So, I completely agree with this statement of sexy. And honestly, the people that are attracted to purely shallow features are usually just shallow themselves so it's a good fit when two of those kind end up together. It is a strong reminder to me to strive to be this kind of person and to look outside of myself more often.
The third piece of advice was about not conforming to what society says your life should be. That, people who made the rules of "life" are no smarter than you are and that you can build your own life. I hope that I can implement this in my life so much more. I will admit that I am easily fearful about trying anything out of the box because I like the safety net of following the rules. I know that if I do A and B I will get to C. However, that doesn't mean I can't or shouldn't chase my dreams as I see fit. There are so many things I want to do with my life and I would hate to look back and think that I had chickened out at the end of it. It reminds me of the Four Agreements which talks about how everyone is living their own version of a dream of life. That, if we can pull ourselves out of the negative mindset, that life can change completely.
I loved this speech more than the person who gave it. It was a good wake up call for what I already knew, but it was much needed and truly an inspiration. I am already going to start working on my new and updated bucket list. To be honest, my bucket list from when I was a teenager is mostly accomplished. As I grow as a person, I hope that I can incorporate my dreams into my life and also have a family. Honestly, that is one of our biggest dreams right now that we are holding out on. We can't wait to be parents. The time, however, is just not right and we want to be in a better place financially (at least as much as we can control) before we make that commitment.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Honeymoon Memories
I keep dreaming about being in Mexico. To be honest, our honeymoon feels like more of a dream. It was honestly amazing though. Our wedding night we stayed at Anniversary Inn in Salt Lake City and it was definitely an "experience". By the time we got there it was 10:00 at night and I just remember thinking that we were in the wrong place. It definitely looks more like an old creepy house than a romantic hotel. However, we were up for the adventure. Our room was the hayloft but besides the general decor it didn't really feel like being in one lol. We snuck in bubble bath and acted like children by making a huge mountain of bubbles and I scarfed food down since I hadn't been able to eat at the whole wedding. Despite just being married, we were still acting like the goofs we were and spending time as best friends. I won't get into any more details about that night, but the next morning I just remember how freaking cold the room was and how exhausted we were. Our flight departed at 7:30am the next day so we had to get up super early to catch the cab to the airport. I don't think we even were able to try the famous cheesecake that morning, but breakfast was pretty good.
Anyway, we finally made it to the airport and it really wasn't all that stressful to be honest. I've flown a few times. We did lose our bubble bath due to it being the value size (lol) going through airport security but otherwise it was pretty painless. The flight from Salt Lake City to Denver was extremely quick and then we had an hour wait in Denver. This is when we started to discover that our travel agent had not booked our seats together. So for every part of our flights (return trip as well) we had to wait in line and try to trade seats with someone. The flight from Denver to Cancun was also pretty fast but mostly because I was so exhausted I slept on Kyle most of the time. The first thing we noticed when we arrived in Cancun was the instant wave of humidity. I had been wearing a sweater on the plane and immediately I was in the regret stage ha ha. It took us about an hour and a half to get to our hotel with our transportation. It was interesting to get offered beer while a car was in motion and we were able to meet two other newlywed couples. They all wanted to talk about their weddings, but I was ready to just enjoy the honeymoon at that point and forget about all of the stressful details.
Our hotel was amazing. Probably the nicest one on all of the stops we made. We got checked in and then went to see our room. The room had a lounge area, balcony, and a really nice bathroom. Definitely the nicest hotel room I've ever had. While we were waiting for our luggage, we went to eat at the buffet. The food down there wasn't amazing, but we quickly learned what was good and what wasn't. Kyle also learned that even in Mexico you have to wear a shirt to go eat. We also booked our meals for the week for the fancier restaurants. We discovered our love for hammocks as well. Multiple nights we laid in a hammock and just talked and cuddled and were amazed at the fact that we were in fact finally married.
The next day we booked our excursions for the week as well and were happy to find out that we would be swimming with Dolphins that afternoon. :) Swimming with dolphins was quite the experience. It was so amazing to be that close to something that I had really only see from afar at seaworld. The best part was that the dolphin would only turn on it's back for me. I was able to rub her belly twice and she would not do that for the boys. I truly felt connected to this amazing creature. We were also able to experience something really cool called a foot push where two dolphins push you through the water using their noses on your feet. The only downside to that experience was that when we went to buy the photos it was $170 to get our photos. I was amazed at how outrageous that price was, but I was still sucker enough to pay for it. After all, it was a once in a lifetime experience.
Tuesday was one of our down days and we spent a lot of time at the adult pools and beach. We rented a waverunner for the ocean and that was also an amazing experience. I was excited as I was when I was a little kid. We also tried snorkeling which was interesting, but very claustrophobic considering the humidity. That night was our first sit-down meal at the french restaurant. This was definitely our favorite meal. We tried escargot (snail) for the first time which looked disgusting but was delicious. Our waiter was so awesome that he kept telling us he would bring us new things if we didn't like our first choices. Our first choices, however, were amazing.
Wednesday was our 10 hour excursion to Coba and then a mayan village. Coba was definitely the cultural experience I was looking for. We were able to learn a lot about the history as well as some of the customs that were practiced. We rented bikes and biked around all of the different ruins. It was honestly something that I would compare to riding mopeds in Italy. After that visit, we went to another area were we were able to canoe through a lagoon, hike through a jungle, witness a purification ceremony, and then swim in a cenote. The cenote was cold and it scared me to be honest lol. The water was so clear that you could see the rocks in the bottom and they always looked like you were going to run into them. After the cenote, we made our way to a zip line area where we got to experience our first time. It was a pretty fun experience. :) After that, we made our way to a mayan village where we were prepared some awesome delicious food. We also took tequila shots after the meal. I hate shots, but when in rome right? I must say that tequila is much better in Mexico. We also bought pictures from that excursion but they were a lot cheaper at about $70. Memories apparently are very expensive but it was for a good cause. We also were able to rappel off of a cliff (don't look mom!) and did another zip line which was also fun.
Thursday was another relaxation day on the beach and at the pools. We also did a lot of shopping in between (mostly because we loved the air conditioning in the stores). We rode giant water tricycles which actually made me pretty sick lol. That night we ate at the Mediterranean restaurant which was pretty good. I had caviar for the first time which wasn't really as exciting as I thought it would be. The Lobster was also amazing.
Friday was our day for horseback riding. As much as I love riding horses, we were pretty miserable. It was extremely hot and we hadn't needed bug spray our whole trip so we skipped out on that. HUGE mistake. I probably had 30 bites just from our two hour ride. I was literally swinging my camera at them to get them off my legs. I picked a more stubborn horse which was kind of fun and Kyle got in trouble because he kept letting his horse stop and eat. Lol, it was a very fun experience though. Friday, we got a little tipsy and decided to check out the dance club which didn't last very long. Apparently, the club scene in Mexico isn't all that exciting.
Saturday, was our last day and also involved a lot of beach and relaxation time. We also got hit with some amazing thunderstorms. Before going out to the Italian restaurant that night, we spent a lot of time on our balcony just watching the rain pour down. We also though we saw some type of critter on the ground so we kept throwing peanuts to it trying to get it to come out ha ha. The Italian food was very good, but by that point we were both pretty exhausted from our trip. We walked from one hotel to the other in the rain and it was super relaxing and peaceful. There were a lot of weddings that had to be moved indoors due to the rain and we decided that even if we had gotten married in Mexico we still could've had stress. It was so nice to just be together.
Sunday was our day to travel again. I was sad to be leaving but oh so excited to be home with my puppies again. Traveling home from Mexico was very stressful as our first flight was delayed due to thunderstorms at the airport shutting down the fuel tanks. We were an hour behind with only an hour and a half layover in Denver. We literally ran onto the plane to make it in time. It felt like that scene in home alone where everyone is running through the airport. We made it home that night though and it was good to be back home.
To sum it up, our honeymoon was amazing. I literally have a dream at least once a week about being in the ocean with Kyle or being back in Mexico. We will definitely go back one day because the price is so great for everything you get there and the climate it amazing. It was definitely a great way to start off our journey as husband and wife and I will probably have these memories for the rest of our lives.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Wedding Day
From October 13, 2012 to our wedding day on June 22, 2013 life was extremely busy and for the most part fun. The real stress of everything coming together didn't kick in until the last month or so when I realized just how close it was and also how much we didn't have done yet. I never pictured myself being the type of girl to worry about little details, but I really wanted our wedding to be two things:
1) I wanted it to be beautiful, romantic, and memorable.
2) I wanted everything to be able to have a really good time.
Our initial wedding budget was set for $5,000 and boy did we find out quick how that was not going to cover even close to what we were going to need to pull it off. We probably spent about $20,000 including the honeymoon which was $4,000. It's not that anything was necessarily over the top (okay, maybe a little), but we definitely didn't find a cheap way to do most things. I will say that we saved a lot of money on the catering because of my amazing Mom. I couldn't ask for a more selfless Mom and she really was there for me every step of the way. Besides cooking 120 lbs of pulled pork, she was at every appointment and calmed me down whenever I was stressing or worried that people just didn't care.
Now, since I got sick in 2008 my biggest fear about getting married was that I would be too sick to enjoy it. However, since I started my medication last year I haven't had one really bad attack. Lucky me, that streak was broken on my wedding day. I'd say it was 40% bad luck, 50% stress, and 10% punishment from God lol. The actual day of the wedding wasn't overly stressful. It felt hectic because there was a lot to do, but for the most part things were running fairly smoothly. However, I could feel the stress and anticipation building. I think I hit my peak when I found out that my photographer wasn't there when the ceremony was already running 15 minutes late. I didn't have a bridezilla meltdown, but I had to sit down from the stress of it.
The ceremony was interesting to say the last. Another goofy fear of mine was tripping over my dress which, ta da, came true. It wasn't that I necessarily tripped, but I was used to being able to hold it when I walked and I wasn't able to do that. Was it movie like? No. But I was able to laugh it off and focus on what really mattered: my husband and I. Another fun part about the ceremony was that I was facing directly into the sun. Oh, the things you don't even think about! It's funny because I was pretty emotional when I was waiting for everything to start, but I really was so focused on getting my vows right that I didn't get emotional during the actual ceremony. To be honest, the whole ceremony felt surreal and it was over really quick. There were some things we would've changed if we could've (more religious than we were hoping), but overall we became husband and wife so we were happy. :) Anyway, my attack really didn't hit me until after the ceremony during pictures. The stress of the ceremony was gone (yay, time for fun) and for some reason that is when my body decided to get sick. It was incredibly upsetting to me at the time and I was so angry that it had to be that day. Looking back now, I see it as part of the journey.
So, because of being sick, the reception was more difficult to say the least. I didn't eat/drink anything the entire time because I continued to get sick even without food on my stomach. I kept having to randomly leave and there was no way I was going to be able to follow the preset schedule we had planned. Basically, when I felt okay, is when we did our dances, cake cutting, etc. Towards the end, I did calm down enough to let loose and to dance a little, but I was pretty wiped out from being sick.
Honestly, my favorite part of the night was finally being able to leave and knowing I was going to get to crash at the hotel with Kyle and eat tons of food ha ha. Despite all the struggles of the night, I honestly can look back at our wedding with joy and to be able to remember the fun memories. I've joked with Kyle that we are never getting divorced because I don't want to get married again ha ha. I don't regret a thing or how much money we spent. Everything was beautiful and i really do think that people had a great time. I was able to really see who is there for me in my life and I am honestly so grateful for all of the love and support we have in our lives; it is amazing. The most important thing to me is that I finally married my best friend and I couldn't be happier now that all the stress of planning the wedding is over with. Although I got sick, I still managed to survive and that is something I never thought I could do even a couple of years ago.
So, here is to a lifetime of happiness with my best friend. I couldn't have picked a better man. :)
1) I wanted it to be beautiful, romantic, and memorable.
2) I wanted everything to be able to have a really good time.
Our initial wedding budget was set for $5,000 and boy did we find out quick how that was not going to cover even close to what we were going to need to pull it off. We probably spent about $20,000 including the honeymoon which was $4,000. It's not that anything was necessarily over the top (okay, maybe a little), but we definitely didn't find a cheap way to do most things. I will say that we saved a lot of money on the catering because of my amazing Mom. I couldn't ask for a more selfless Mom and she really was there for me every step of the way. Besides cooking 120 lbs of pulled pork, she was at every appointment and calmed me down whenever I was stressing or worried that people just didn't care.
Now, since I got sick in 2008 my biggest fear about getting married was that I would be too sick to enjoy it. However, since I started my medication last year I haven't had one really bad attack. Lucky me, that streak was broken on my wedding day. I'd say it was 40% bad luck, 50% stress, and 10% punishment from God lol. The actual day of the wedding wasn't overly stressful. It felt hectic because there was a lot to do, but for the most part things were running fairly smoothly. However, I could feel the stress and anticipation building. I think I hit my peak when I found out that my photographer wasn't there when the ceremony was already running 15 minutes late. I didn't have a bridezilla meltdown, but I had to sit down from the stress of it.
The ceremony was interesting to say the last. Another goofy fear of mine was tripping over my dress which, ta da, came true. It wasn't that I necessarily tripped, but I was used to being able to hold it when I walked and I wasn't able to do that. Was it movie like? No. But I was able to laugh it off and focus on what really mattered: my husband and I. Another fun part about the ceremony was that I was facing directly into the sun. Oh, the things you don't even think about! It's funny because I was pretty emotional when I was waiting for everything to start, but I really was so focused on getting my vows right that I didn't get emotional during the actual ceremony. To be honest, the whole ceremony felt surreal and it was over really quick. There were some things we would've changed if we could've (more religious than we were hoping), but overall we became husband and wife so we were happy. :) Anyway, my attack really didn't hit me until after the ceremony during pictures. The stress of the ceremony was gone (yay, time for fun) and for some reason that is when my body decided to get sick. It was incredibly upsetting to me at the time and I was so angry that it had to be that day. Looking back now, I see it as part of the journey.
So, because of being sick, the reception was more difficult to say the least. I didn't eat/drink anything the entire time because I continued to get sick even without food on my stomach. I kept having to randomly leave and there was no way I was going to be able to follow the preset schedule we had planned. Basically, when I felt okay, is when we did our dances, cake cutting, etc. Towards the end, I did calm down enough to let loose and to dance a little, but I was pretty wiped out from being sick.
Honestly, my favorite part of the night was finally being able to leave and knowing I was going to get to crash at the hotel with Kyle and eat tons of food ha ha. Despite all the struggles of the night, I honestly can look back at our wedding with joy and to be able to remember the fun memories. I've joked with Kyle that we are never getting divorced because I don't want to get married again ha ha. I don't regret a thing or how much money we spent. Everything was beautiful and i really do think that people had a great time. I was able to really see who is there for me in my life and I am honestly so grateful for all of the love and support we have in our lives; it is amazing. The most important thing to me is that I finally married my best friend and I couldn't be happier now that all the stress of planning the wedding is over with. Although I got sick, I still managed to survive and that is something I never thought I could do even a couple of years ago.
So, here is to a lifetime of happiness with my best friend. I couldn't have picked a better man. :)
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| This made every stress instantly better. :) |
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| My Dad giving me away. |
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| Finally made it to the alter. |
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| Vow time. |
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| My sweet husband. |
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| Finally... the best part ha ha. |
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| My new parents. |
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| My amazing parents. :) |
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| Big family.. and this is only part of them. |
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| Acting like dudes... |
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| Acting like chicks.. ha ha |
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| I was insanely jealous of this picture.. lol |
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| Attitude |
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| Daddy daughter dance... |
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| Our first dance... |
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| Love dancing with him now... |
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| My big brother and his amazing girlfriend Jasmine <3 td=""> |
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| The photobooth we had at our wedding.. fun to fit my dress into ha ha |
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| My amazing grandparents... |
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| We love to swing dance. |
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| My two best friends. |
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| The raptor... |
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| Getting my baby snuggling time in... |
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| My beautiful mom and amazing brother.. |
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| Finally out of the 10 lb dress... and into my leaving dress... |
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| Leaving to spend our first night as husband and wife. <3 td=""> |
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Turning to Nature Instead
Kyle and I were married on June 22nd this year. It was amazing and maybe I will post a more detailed post some time about it.. but for now I'd rather focus on the present.
I've decided to hold off on drinking for 30 days to get more healthy and to take better care of myself. I also want to be able to find positive and healthy activities to do besides bar hopping. ;) Not that it's not fun to go out, but eventually it starts to become exhausting. I made the mistake of drinking around people that I can't trust and it made me realize that I need to be a lot more careful and choose more wisely because at this age I really don't care for the drama anymore.
This weekend, we went hiking Friday night after work and Saturday as well. It was so nice to just get out and above all of the daily crap. We took the puppies to dog lake on Saturday and it was a perfect day for a hike. It was completely overcast, only about 70 degrees, and it even sprinkled rain for a little while. It was so nice. Laila, as her usual self, had to greet every person that came her way and Mickey had to defend us from every possible dog on our path. He is such a shit, but so cute. We met a fellow weenie and Laila and Mickey were both super friendly.. apparently my dogs know their own kind. It was about a 6 mile hike and I was proud to accomplish it. When we got to the top Kyle threw Mickey and Laila into the lake and although they hated it they are very good swimmers.
Right now we are just enjoying life being married and not being stressed planning a wedding. Our only goals right now are to enjoy our time together and to get as much debt paid off as possible. It will take a little bit longer with Kyle having to pay for school now, but with his new promotion we are finally stepping into a position where we can pay a lot of stuff down. We are hoping to plan a trip to Italy next year and possibly a fun trip to Disneyland during October this year. :)
Maybe one day I will stop avoiding writing and go back to it. Maybe. But for now, I'm just taking it one day at a time.
I've decided to hold off on drinking for 30 days to get more healthy and to take better care of myself. I also want to be able to find positive and healthy activities to do besides bar hopping. ;) Not that it's not fun to go out, but eventually it starts to become exhausting. I made the mistake of drinking around people that I can't trust and it made me realize that I need to be a lot more careful and choose more wisely because at this age I really don't care for the drama anymore.
This weekend, we went hiking Friday night after work and Saturday as well. It was so nice to just get out and above all of the daily crap. We took the puppies to dog lake on Saturday and it was a perfect day for a hike. It was completely overcast, only about 70 degrees, and it even sprinkled rain for a little while. It was so nice. Laila, as her usual self, had to greet every person that came her way and Mickey had to defend us from every possible dog on our path. He is such a shit, but so cute. We met a fellow weenie and Laila and Mickey were both super friendly.. apparently my dogs know their own kind. It was about a 6 mile hike and I was proud to accomplish it. When we got to the top Kyle threw Mickey and Laila into the lake and although they hated it they are very good swimmers.
Right now we are just enjoying life being married and not being stressed planning a wedding. Our only goals right now are to enjoy our time together and to get as much debt paid off as possible. It will take a little bit longer with Kyle having to pay for school now, but with his new promotion we are finally stepping into a position where we can pay a lot of stuff down. We are hoping to plan a trip to Italy next year and possibly a fun trip to Disneyland during October this year. :)
Maybe one day I will stop avoiding writing and go back to it. Maybe. But for now, I'm just taking it one day at a time.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Lessons From My Younger Self
Damn, I was a smart 14 year old. I found this on my old website and had to share it.. some good reminders to myself. It's amazing how sometimes we get more stupid with time. Absolutely ridiculous. I was an awesome teenager ha ha.
Simple Things To Remember/Follow
These are all things I have learned growing up that get me
through hard times or just simply make me laugh.
1. When your looking for a
boyfriend, you don't find one. It's when you move on with your life and focus
on your goals and friends that your suprised by someone new in your life.
2.
Complaining about
your life won't change anything, doing something about it will. Trust me, you
can do something!
3. No matter what the situation is,
handle it in a way that you'll be proud of later. Otherwise you'll regret a lot
of things in life.
4. Don't be afraid to not act your
age, just make sure that it's at an appropriate time that you let your kid side
out.
5.
Don't talk bad
about people.. they'll always find out.
6. Don't be in a hurry to grow up,
it comes sooner that you think and you can't go back to your childhood. Enjoy
it.
7. School may be a pain, but it's
the only thing that gets you started in life, go to college.
8. All the people who seem so
beautiful and perfect... are really just as unperfect as you are. We've all got
faults deep down.
9. If your afraid or uncomfortable
to do something... Don't .. it's that simple. If people can't accept you for
who you are then you shouldn't be hanging out with them.
10. Never let anyone tell you your
not good enough for something/someone. You are in fact good enough.
11. Dishwashing soap DOES NOT clean a
bathtub... but it sure smells good.
12. All the litte fights you have
with your friends about who-said-this and who-said-that don't matter. No, they
don't.
13. True friends will always come
back to you.. no matter what.
14. To have friends you must get off
your butt and call them.
15.
Appreciate the
good things in life, because you never lose the bad.. only the good.
16. Make sure the people you love
know that.. because you never know what might happen.
17. Swearing...is fun sometimes, but
it doesn't make you sound cool.
18. Your parents are proud and your
siblings do love you.
19. Stand up for yourself, your the
only one that can.
20. Karma, my friends... What goes
around comes around.. always.
21. A ill-spoken word is one of the
most devasting things you can say to another person. Think about what you say.
22. Smile.. you may make someone's
life worth living.
23. Allow yourself to be popular..
the keyword here is YOURSELF. Don't change anything about you and don't throw
away your grades just to fit in. Nobody cares if your popular out in the
business world.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Getting Healthy
Kyle and I got gym memberships last Wednesday. I honestly feel like I got beaten with a shovel all over my body right now ha ha so I think that's a good sign. My personal trainer tried to tell me that I had 35% body fat and it broke me down for quite some time yesterday. I have high goals and I know that I have work to do, but there is no way my body fat % is that high. I looked at comparison pictures of different people/genders at different body fats and I am nowhere near that level. I would say I am between 22-25% and my goal is to be within the 17-19% range. I honestly feel like it was a scheme just to get me to pay for personal training sessions, which I did. Oh well, if they help me get focused then it is worth it. Just need to be a little more smart about what people are telling me and to have some more confidence in myself. I honestly feel great so far though: I've been doing a lot more cardio and weight training this week. My body hasn't been too kind with me running lately so I've been using mostly the elliptical but I hope to build back up to running once I am strong again. I also plan on doing some of the group exercise classes to keep me motivated and to keep it fun. I am so excited to feel more healthy and to get the confidence back that comes with it. I have until April 6th before the fitting for my wedding dress so I have a lot of work to do.
This morning, I made breakfast for both of us for the week. I saw this awesome idea on this blog: http://undressedskeleton.tumblr.com/Recipeindex. She has amazing, yummy, and healthy recipes. Anyway, we made our own healthy version of egg mcmuffins pretty much. I mixed eggs and bell peppers together, put them in a muffin pan, and stuck them in the oven. We also put turkey bacon on them and some cheese. We then stuck the whole thing into an indoor grill. It will be a nice easy breakfast to grab in the morning so I am excited and I actually cooked something that tasted good. I am becoming more and more domesticated every day ha ha.
I also FINALLY found my wedding shoes:
This morning, I made breakfast for both of us for the week. I saw this awesome idea on this blog: http://undressedskeleton.tumblr.com/Recipeindex. She has amazing, yummy, and healthy recipes. Anyway, we made our own healthy version of egg mcmuffins pretty much. I mixed eggs and bell peppers together, put them in a muffin pan, and stuck them in the oven. We also put turkey bacon on them and some cheese. We then stuck the whole thing into an indoor grill. It will be a nice easy breakfast to grab in the morning so I am excited and I actually cooked something that tasted good. I am becoming more and more domesticated every day ha ha.
I also FINALLY found my wedding shoes:
They are custom made, super comfortable, and gorgeous. I didn't think it was going to be possible to find. Of course, they doubled my budget again... but that seems to be the trend for wedding spending right now.
We also took the babies to the dog park today. Mickey was an absolute shit and went around growling at all the bigger dogs. Never close enough to do anything because he is a big baby, but he was making a ton of ruckus. Luckily, we met a really nice lady who was understanding of our dog. She had a beautiful older husky that was super gentle with him and put up with his nonsense until he calmed down. Towards the end he was chasing the big dogs and playing with them. Miss Laila was mellow as usual, but she was a lot more adventurous than usual and kept walking away from Kyle and I. Usually, she is pinned to my side so I thought that was good progress.
Anyway, my focus is on getting as strong as I can mentally and physically. I'm cutting out as much bad junk as I can and that will be including alcohol. It is so much easier to focus on my goals when I have a fully stocked gym that I can go to.
Love and light. <3 p="">
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