Addiction

Addiction has been a big part of my life for too long. My own personal experience was not a substance addiction, but a psychological addiction to self-injury. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's also not something that I'm wanting to hide. It's not even something that I viewed as an addiction, but it was definitely a coping mechanism. It wasn't until I was ready to stop that I realized how difficult it was to break away. I went a year and a half and still caved. I can happily say that my 3 years is on December 23rd of this year. I will never let my guard down with it though and although the urges are minimal, it is almost an instinctual reaction that I will always have to fight when I am in crisis mode. I smoked socially in high school whenever I would drink. I realized how much I enjoyed it so I stopped. I drank a little bit in junior high and more so in high school when it was a social and cool thing to do. And I kept up with that until it became unhealthy.

Now, I get to watch my little sister waste away with her addiction. It's not something my family is proud of, but I'm also done hiding that. I know what ignorant people say about addiction and "junkies". I know it's easier to judge addicts for their actions, rather than their actual disease. Does it mean the actions are any less devastating? Of course not. I know that at this point drugs are more important to my sister and that everything else (including her life) comes second. I'm not here to air out dirty laundry so I won't go into it much more than that, but it is heartbreaking to have no control over what is to surely come.

I am worried for my family. I am worried how we will get through everything no matter what the outcome. I feel like either way it is not going to be easy. I worry that the struggle has already exhausted my family beyond repair. I have learned a lot over the last few years and that is that my family sticks together and stays strong no matter what. I wish that my sister could be a part of how amazing that is and we would welcome her in a second, but I don't know if that will ever happen.

There's so much I don't know about what is to come now. All I know is that I can't control any of it and it sucks. All I can do it look to the future for what I do know. For the good things and for the people that I have in my life now.