The fact is that if you have never raised a baby or child, it is an absolute shock to your system when you finally meet your baby. The hospital allows for a gradual transition (mostly because I had nurses taking care of me so I could take care of my baby) but it is short lived. Plus, those first few days you are on an insane high like nothing you have ever experienced. That high is what made very little sleep in two days not really matter and why I couldn't take my eyes off of my baby the entire time. Before you know it you are checking out and you are kind of wondering why the people there trust you to take care of something so amazing and fragile.
Then you go home and are immediately you are placed into sleep deprivation and hormone hell. Everything hurts, you are exhausted, and although you love your baby you are kind of wondering when their real mom is going to show up because you just don't see how you could be a mom. You get a ton of visitors who are super helpful and you try to pretend you are confident and holding it together when it's just not the reality at all. At least for me, that is how it was. I feel like in a sense I had to grieve my freedom especially when it came to sleep. I had to grieve my previous mental state and let go and try to take it one day at a time. I had to give myself a break on days when I didn't feel perfect and even now, hard days still will happen.. but I know they are just a day and that they aren't a permanent state.
At 7 weeks post partum (tomorrow), I am just starting to feel like a mom. I am just starting to feel like I understand my baby and her quirks, her cries, what she likes, what she doesn't, etc. I am just starting to clear myself out from hormone hell and starting to get sleep. Compared to when she was first born, I feel like a completely different person. And I finally feel truly bonded to my baby.. I have always loved her, but I actually am growing quite fond of this little person who sucks up all my time and energy. It's funny because I look forward to getting a break, but when I finally do get one all I think about is my baby and how she is doing and how amazing she is. I hear my baby crying all the time even when she isn't. I think it is nature's way of keeping me focused on her ha ha. And then, at 4 am when I can't get her to go back to bed and I think I am at the end of my rope… she gives me the biggest grin and none of the stress matters. Every little thing she does is amazing to me and I am loving watching her grow and change.
Becoming a parent is by far the hardest challenge I have ever taken on, but so far it has been the most rewarding and I know that it is only going to get better and better. I know that me and her are going to be close because even now she will find my voice, search for me, and give me the biggest smiles. I finally understand why my parents seemed crazy at times, because being a parent truly makes you that way. Every day I will strive to do my best for her and one day I will look back on this time and truly miss it. I already miss the initial newborn stage even though it felt insanely hard as I experienced it.
Charli at 3 days vs. 7 weeks
The strength I feel now compared to before she was born is amazing. Things that used to stress me out are no more because I know what I am capable of now and I know what I can do. I know that she was meant for me and I can't wait to show her how amazing life really is.