Saturday, November 8, 2014

Due Date, Dates, and Mixed Feelings

Yesterday was a mixed feelings kind of day. It was the due date of the baby that we lost in early March this year. To be honest and hopefully without sounding like a jerk, I expected to be more sad and down. I wasn't though. I was happy because I had been sick all week and was finally feeling a little bit better. I was happy because work was busy and went by fast, happy because every little kick I feel now is a reminder of the life I have growing in me now.

I'm not sure what I believe about miscarriages or mine in particular when it comes to spirituality. I'm not sure if that baby is forever lost or if that baby came back. I'm not sure if I'm a mom to two children or just one. I'm not sure if Charli is the same spirit that didn't take in March due to having an imperfect body. I'm just not sure. Part of not having a belief in religion means that I have to come up with these answers for myself and it can make my head spin if I think about it too much.

I think, regardless of what the answer is, that I am doing okay. Sometimes I will get hit with waves of grief, but for the most part I am doing much better than I was back then. It is harder to avoid when I am currently pregnant because I think of what I missed out on with that baby.. but I also know that I wouldn't have Charli if it wasn't for the miscarriage and I couldn't imagine not having her either. See why this is complicated? I feel like I am cheating on my first child that died in a sense and that's certainly not my intent. I don't mean to forget about that first baby and I doubt I ever will, but I am happy with what is going on now.

I also feel like things happened when they did for a reason. I was very ill in May when I had to have my gallbladder removed and who knows what would have happened if I had still been pregnant then. Maybe I lost that first baby so early to spare the pain of losing it much later in the pregnancy. Maybe life is going exactly the way it should.

I decided I would like to work on a pregnancy book for Charli. Something to keep all her ultrasound pictures in and to talk about what we felt at each stage. I don't know if it's something I'll show her when she is super young or not, but I do know that when she gets older I want her to know how much we loved and worried for her from the very beginning. I don't necessarily feel worry now… at least not like I used to. Now, I am more just excited to meet her. Last night we went and saw the Maze Runner and it was such a stressful movie. It was hard enough because it was suspenseful so I would get stressed out and then right in the middle of it Charli would kick me out of nowhere and scare the crap out of me. I love when her kicks freak me out. I love every single one, but sometimes they catch me off guard. I can't wait to see how her personality is when she's born and if it's the same personality that I sense with her while pregnant.