Thursday, January 11, 2018

On the up and up

This week has been better than last week. I have hope that my job is about to feel a lot more fulfilling. I am excited to have a team of 3 people up and running and to be through a little bit of the transition period. I'm also feeling more confident as I get to talk to sponsors more.

I'm not feeling as isolated or disconnected or as desperate and I feel like emotionally I am at a healthier balance. Not perfect but healthier. Trying not to own everyone else's baggage and drama and I think I've been doing better in that regard and just taking the connections I can get when I get them.

Kids have a way of making the most sane people feel crazy. Tonight was rough for Charli. Every little thing was a huge melt down and fight. Those days aren't too often but they are super exhausting and make me feel awful if and when I lose my temper. It's hard not to own your kids emotions and to lose it yourself sometimes. 

Still working out and reaching for my fitness goals.. definitely need to dial in my nutrition but I feel strong and great. I think I've been motivating Kyle to start lifting again as well.. not that he needs it but it's fun to work on those goals together.

My cute girls and their daddy. 😍

My defiant stinker and me. 

Her organization is astounding.

Showing off on leg day ha ha

My cute little toddler.

My before and after picture from August until now.

Monday, January 8, 2018


Making the decision not to own everyone's stress and to just slow down and focus at work was super nice today. I could feel a bunch of different priorities tugging at me and I want to help everyone, but I know that I am only capable of handling so much work and doing it well so I stayed focused on my priorities and what I was assigned to and it was nice. Tomorrow I have a one on one with my boss and I get to decide if I just keep it generic or if I bring up the current stress levels. I'd like work to be a positive place so I really don't want to be stuck in a negative rut again. Considering I didn't get much sleep last night, today was a way good day. I woke up at 5 am and crushed my work out and then work was fairly smooth and I didn't get my feelings hurt today.

Why the little sleep last night? All of our smoke alarms started to have low batteries in the middle of the night last night. Kyle and I about lost our dang minds trying to block out the noise. The problem is that one of the culprits is at the very top of our vaulted ceiling and can't be reached with a ladder regularly. The only way we could reach it was to have Kyle hold the ladder upright and let me climb to the top with just him holding it. When the problem first started, I told kyle there was no way I was going through with that plan. I'm afraid of heights and I just pictured losing my balance and pretty much dying. After two hours of hearing the damn chirp through white noise and headphones, I told him to grab the ladder.. I actually am quite proud that I was able to accomplish that. After we removed that smoke alarm they all started going off.. ha ha it was quite hysterical considering we were delusional by that point.

We finally decided for good recently that we are done at two kids. It feels good to know we are moving towards the next chapter and moving out of the absolute struggle that is babyhood.. at least for me it is. I am loving as Charli and Riley get older.. they are so much fun at this stage. I don't feel like my postpartum depression/anxiety could handle starting over. There will always be a part of me that wants one more kid, but I don't think that it's logical.

The smoke alarm struggle was real.

Still woke up on little sleep and did my work out.

Sunday, January 7, 2018

Weekend Reset

I'm sure that you can tell from my posts that life has been a bit of a struggle lately. I'm not sure why my asshole brain insists on making things difficult and depressing. I don't know why it also insists on making me feel isolated and alone. Logically, I know that I am in a great place in life. I have an amazing family who is healthy and children who are provided for and happy. They are so smart and are learning so much all the time. I have a husband who is an absolute rock 99% of the time and his 1% moments are few and far between. I'm actually amazed with how consistent and patient he is the majority of the time even with all of the stressors he has to face. He works long manual labor hours all week long and then immediately jumps right in when he comes home and attends to the girls and helps me when I am dealing with anxiety and/or depression. He does this even without fully understanding what I am going through.

I have a lot of goals in front of me right now and I'm trying to focus and commit to things that will hopefully improve my quality of life as well as my mindset. Since December, I have been waking up at 5 am every day to work out. It was difficult at first, but I'm so glad I do it now. It's a great start to the day for me and it allows me to take care of myself and to be strong for the girls. Since I started working out/eating low carb I've lost about 9 lbs. I'm no longer losing weight but I know that my body composition is shifting and that I am getting healthier regardless of what the scale says.

This weekend we took the girls to the aquarium on Saturday with my grandparents. I love that we got a membership, it's nice to feel like we are doing something that is enriching their lives for a few hours and it's something we can do often. It's awesome seeing Charli come out of her shyness each time we got to the playground area there as well.

Those drinks with work friends didn't happen, but rather than feel down about it I decided to reach out to my sister and hang out with her. It was fun and it was nice to be silly and laugh to the point of tears with someone. I hadn't done that in a while. We went to buffalo wild wings where we had horrendous service to the point of it being funny and then we went back to her apartment and watched "The Bachelor" together. I get a lot of shit for liking some reality TV shows but she is someone after my own heart and is a Reality TV Show junkie. I know that if I logically looked at reality TV I could convince myself it's stupid to watch, but I watch one or two shows and enjoy them and I really don't care if the world doesn't agree with me.

I feel like lately it's been a lot harder to get people to follow through with plans. When you have a more sensitive personality and are also dealing with depression, its easy to feel like it's personal when plans fall through, even when logically I know it's not. It's also easy to feel like I'm a third wheel or nobodies first choice. I guess I just need to take my relationships for what they are and stop trying to force others to be close..

Naughty kids pulling toys out of their toy chest.

Charli and her great grandma

The girls looking at sharks, charli's favorite

I love Rileys face in this ❤️

Charli on the playground 

The pantry Kyle is building

Drinking my shakeology 

Me and my sister

Riley climbing into a doll crib lol

Charli loved the frogs 

Thursday, January 4, 2018


Today was an okay day. Work was rough again.. signed off on a deviation and an amendment for myself. I'm starting to feel like I should give up on trying to be good and just settle on being mediocre. I'm really hoping that as things shift soon that I'll be able to feel not so overwhelmed and feel like I can slow down and do my job well. I'm going to be making an effort to do so anyway because I can't handle all these blows to my self esteem much longer.

At least this week I feel like a good mom. I've been having a ton of fun with the girls and they are so dang cute and interactive. Riley is finally starting to hold her own bottle and we are starting to look into preschools this fall for Charli. I'm not ready for her to already start going to school.. I can't believe how fast she has grown up already. But I'm also so dang proud of how smart and kind she is.. she's so good with Riley and is so dang excited to be around her and play with her.

My family is really my sunshine this week. Work has been an absolute struggle of feeling overwhelmed and not good enough. I take my job way too seriously and any mistakes that are made are unforgivable to me.. I'll beat myself up for a week now after a day like today. The problem is when I am surrounded by people who aren't reading my body language and keep feeling the need to give me a hard time.. I'm usually up for it but it's been an awful week for it.

On Saturday I get to go out with some coworkers/friends for drinks and I am looking forward to it. It's nice to be thought of as part of someone's social circle.

Was this a little less depressing then the previous posts? Ha ha

She's finally holding her own bottle!

Finally got some new clothes that I feel didn't fit terribly.. doesn't happen often ha ha.

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Attempting to find logic in emotions

Today was another overwhelming day. I'm questioning everything and everyone. If life is just everyone's different perceptions, is there really any truth? If negative emotions aren't true, then what makes positive emotions the truth? Is life really all just one really long mind fuck?

I know that I thrive off real genuine connections but if I can't tell what's real and what's not.... see the mind spin now? Every day I fluctuate between bliss and depression.. it's all beginning to feel so very chaotic..

I'm sure that this sounds melodramatic but fuck it. These thoughts have to come out somewhere right? I really need to find belief and confidence in myself again but it's not so simple.. I've been on a downward spiral for so long I'm not sure how to spin up. I'm not sure how to love myself and how to believe in myself when it feels like I'm a walking joke to my peers.

I'm still exercising, I'm still being careful on what I eat.. cause I have to be able to control something.. some aspect of my life. 

I've been struggling with thoughts on self injury again. I won't because I want so bad to be a good example to my girls, to do something right and I know that it's a huge downward spiral. It's been over 7 years so it would be really stupid.. I'll have to find another way to calm the chaos and feel present. 

I'll keep trying because that's all I can do. It's probably time to do some more self work again but I can't afford it at the moment. I'd like to do some heart wall clearing to see if it would assist me in actually connecting with people. As far as self confidence, I'll have to keep fighting myself and trying to convince myself that I'm someone worth caring about and that I am capable.. my work confidence is absolute zero anymore.. I feel like I try so hard to keep up with being understaffed that I can't stop making stupid mistakes.. maybe it's just the universe trying to nudge me towards a new career path though.

Any ways that's my mess of thoughts for now.

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Struggling to connect

I've decided I'm not great at interacting with people. I'm far too open and probably to a fault and when I care I care too much. I feel like I've been socially crippled for quite a long time and I'm not sure how to fix that.. besides just pretending I don't care. It's funny because I feel like to belong you have to be genuine but if I'm myself then it really just doesn't work and I don't white mesh with 90% of people.

I can't really even connect with my own family.. I just feel like I speak an entirely different language and like I'm far too sensitive for everyone around me.

I guess I just need to keep working at everything.. taking care of myself physically makes a huge difference in my mental and emotional state.. also working on catching all my negative thoughts and refusing to accept them is a habit that I am trying to work on. I don't want to be someone who is just an asshole and cares about no one around them but I can't keep going in my current state where I feel like everyone's scape goat and punching bag either.. there has to be an in between. I feel like I've been struggling with this issue since I was 13.. i definitely wish I was more ignorant of people and their energy.

I struggled today but then I came home and took the girls on a walk and got some fresh air and everything felt okay again. I put some music on and danced with Riley in the kitchen while I made dinner and I at least felt like a good mom.

Pulling 40 lbs of sass around.. does this count as a second work out?

They were so happy and smiley the whole walk.

Making dinner with this cutie and drinking shakeology.

Did an upper body work out this morning at 5 am. Day 2 of a new 21 day program. So far to go to reach my goals but I'll crush them.

Monday, January 1, 2018


I've missed writing. I need to get better about it despite how crazy life has been since having kids. Riley is 13.5 months old and Charli will turn 3 in about 6 weeks. I can't believe how fast they are growing. Riley still isn't walking but she is a champ at climbing up on everything and being naughty. She is the biggest flirt.. she's definitely been in a more fussy stage with teeth coming in(she has five now) and getting a cold recently. Charli has been learning a lot and is pushing boundaries left and right. She is also starting to express her emotions more and you can tell she is trying to learn how to handle them.. which is something I'm still trying to figure out so I get how difficult it is. I love them.. they are my greatest blessing and challenge. I can't believe how much being a parent really forces you to face all your weaknesses and vulnerabilities. I'm not a perfect parent at all but I'm also my own worst critic and I don't forgive myself if mistakes are ever made.. something I could work on for sure.

Kyle and I are doing good. He is now working for his uncle building custom homes and he is so much happier doing what he does now. He is also able to provide a lot more for our family to the point where I don't really have to work but I choose to. I'm still working at Nelson Labs and I'm a lot happier now that I've switched departments.. I actually really enjoy my job and the people I work with.

I've been focusing a lot on eating better and on exercising. I signed up for beach body which has been great because it allows me to work out from home every morning before the girls wake up. I've discovered that I need to work out in order to keep my anxiety and depression in check.

So I think I'll end this with my clique resolutions:

1) be kinder to myself

2) blog more often

3) keep focusing on my fitness

I really don't feel the need to complicate resolutions since half the time they don't work out. Luckily I have been focusing on working out since October so it's not a new goal or step. I think #1 is going to be the most important for me.. I often am trying so hard to be humble that I talk myself down or let others make me feel bad about myself.. I think I need to moderate that a lot more and focus on my strengths and not just my weaknesses.

I'll try to post more often.. for me since no one else will read this.

Us on Christmas Eve.. minus Riley who was already sleeping.

The girls and I on Christmas. We were all recovering from being sick.

New Year's Eve. We were lame and in bed before midnight.

Love my fiesty 3 year old.. i will always teach her to own it.

The girls on New Year's Eve in their wagon.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Riley: months 4-8

I have been terrible at keeping up with Riley's milestones. Our lives have been so dang busy.

1) Riley started rolling from back to tummy during her fourth month.

2) Riley was on breastmilk until 6 months thanks to generous donors and then started transitioning onto goats milk. She was fully on goats milk starting at 7.5 months.

3) At 7 months Riley started getting up on her hands and knees, rocking, and rolling from her stomach to her back on accident. She also started being able to sit on her own and preferred standing up in a walker or rolling around on the floor.

4) Rileys sleep has been inconsistent. There are some nights where she will sleep 11 hours straight, some nights where she wakes up once and other nights where she wakes up multiple times.

5) At four months grandma norman started watching both girls during the day and aunt Kim went back to work.

6) At about 7 months Riley really started getting interested in solids more so than bottles.

7) Riley has been in general a very happy and expressive baby.

8) Riley got her first ear infection and we didn't know because she was still acting calm.

9) Riley went swimming a lot and mostly wasn't phased too much to be in the water one way or another.

10) Riley loves putting everything in her mouth and chewing on her fists. She still doesn't have any teeth.

The girls on Easter.

The girls on the 4th of July.

Charli loves reading to Riley.

Getting an x ray on her hips since she was breech for so long.