Appreciating Life

My life has been a whirlwind the last few weeks. I can't believe how fast summer is starting to leave and I know that when I blink again I am going to be back in school. So, here's to a staring contest. Honestly, though, these last few weeks have really opened my eyes. I've done a lot more than I ever saw myself doing and have come out of my shell quite a bit compared to where I was at when I first broke up with Tyler. I was happy just to be surviving and then, of course, life threw me another curve ball.

I am really starting to enjoy the spontaneity of life and the fact that no matter how shitty it gets, it always seems to find a way to amaze me. I don't think I could ever let myself get to the point that I was at again because I finally understand what it means when someone would tell me that you never know how great your life can be unless you see it through. I am glad to have held my head up and to have kept moving even when it seemed useless and I've made it a goal of mine to embrace the challenges from now on.

As much as it hurt, I am glad my heart was broken. I am glad I felt the pain that I did and saw just how bad life could be. I appreciate everything that I have now so much more and I am finally seeing life in a deeper way instead of revolving it around a person that couldn't even be honest. I feel so much positivity in my life and I am only going to keep taking steps to make it better and better. Because I know that no matter what happens or how bad things get that life will continue to surprise me. I know that the way I feel now is worth waiting for and worth every bit of struggle that it took to get here.

Love.

I have always found it interesting to hear others opinions on the concept of love. I say concept not because I am cynical, but because I feel there isn't an exactly an agreement on what it means or entails. I was pretty sure I knew what love was, but without trust was love even possible? I am pretty sure that most people can agree that they unconditionally love their family and even that they love their friends, but actual couple's love can seem so diverse to me. Some people fall fast, some take their time, but we eventually all get to feel the extremely vulnerable state of being in love. Once you hit that stage, you might as well go all out because either way someone is going to get hurt.

I have also never believed in love at first sight. Sure, you can have an amazing connection with someone and you can lust, but I believe you have to know someone and all their flaws in order to truly love them. It's not about needing someone in your life, it's about wanting someone in your life and making it happen. Love is not about finding a checklist of qualities in a person; instead it is much deeper. It is sharing a connection, knowing someone inside and out, and being able to trust in someone. It is about sticking it out when things get rough because you have enough belief that it will be worth it anyway.

Even though I thought I had this type of love before, I don't know if I ever did. I never truly knew the person that I was with for so long and I was constantly waiting to find out more lies or more things that were hidden from me. I know that I loved him despite all the constant pain but it wasn't true love. It couldn't have been because there was no truth involved to begin with.

Cynical?
What is love to you?

Change.

New hair. <3 Two hours later and this is what I got. I actually am pretty damn happy with it. I always get so bored with the way I look, so I am sure this will be a consistent change for me.

Pretty much, if I think about it, my life revolves around change. At least as far back as i can remember, something in my life has been changing. My family, boys, moving to the dorms, moving to an apartment, leaving tyler, switching schools, switching majors (3x), changing my appearance (countless times), changing friends, gaining friends, getting laila, experiencing sickness, fighting my way back to health, etc. I've always been told that I need to find some consistency in my life, but to be honest I find consistency the scariest concept of all. When you are willing to keep your life the same, you close off your ability to learn and grow and I am nowhere near the point.

I feel like I know a lot about life at 20 years old because of what I have gone through. And even though a majority of what I have experienced is completely my fault, I still don't regret it. I am who I am because I have survived. As far as recent lessons go, I finally feel like I am not holding myself back because of my past. I used to be so angry and constantly searched for people to blame my problems on. I would be angry because someone didn't care enough or someone didn't step up when I needed them. Eventually, everyone would leave (don't blame them) lol and then I was angry because I felt like all my doubts were confirmed. I've learned to separate myself from people and from life in general, but for once I am looking at my future and I am not afraid to hold my head up high. I am doing the only thing that I can possibly do at this point and that is to control my actions and my attitude. Everything else is just going to get chaotic and to be honest, I can't wait. <3

Pointless Rambling

Starting over. Again. I have pretty much been keeping some type of journal since I was eight years old. I would like to make this a positive experience as well as a useful tool when navigating through the chaos that I like to call my life. As much as I would like to guarantee that this will be upbeat, I know that would be a false promise and a useless one at that. Part of the consequences of thinking all the time (like I do) involves facing all types of answers in my life whether they are good or bad. However, I am okay with that.

I am not going to introduce myself or give you little facts about who I am. I figure if you have made it this far, you at least know me somewhat. If not, I guess you can take whatever you want from this blog. Either way, I am not ready to face defining exactly who I am. It would be far too complicated at this point in my life. All I know is that the one thing I have always been able to turn to and express myself with is my writing. Nothing else is there for me regardless and I have always remembered that. So, hopefully, I'll keep giving it a chance and try to find the passion behind it that I used to have.

So, for now, I will start this off shallow. Tomorrow, I am getting my hair redone. Haha, I know.. this is an important topic for everyone to follow. Here is what I am thinking about getting done as far as color goes:

And with that shallow note, I am going to go attempt to fight my insomnia. Maybe I will make this more interesting later.