Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Trust and Love in Relationships

Trust. I'm not quite sure what this word means to me anymore or how many people qualify to meet my standards of trust. I trust my family (mostly) and I trust a very few close friends, but besides that I feel like I constantly have to analyze the intentions of others. Here's the thing: when I was younger I trusted whatever people told me. It's not that I couldn't spot a clear lie and I did, but if people appeared to have good intentions then who I was I to even question it. This trickled over into my dating years and I was extremely quick to find out that most people, in fact, were not forthcoming with me. I learned fast and I only needed to learn each lesson once, but it was a quick handful that hit home very hard. My self-esteem was pretty much shattered when I met Tyler, but he became someone I could rely on to be there for me fast. I pretty much grew up with him and every challenge we faced together. However (and isn't there always a downside?) I started to realize over time that there was a huge issue of honesty in my relationship. They weren't necessarily big lies at first and it wasn't that he was unfaithful (that i'm aware of), but all these little lies started to add up to major trust issues.

I was naive and thought that through time we could just get over them and that I could learn to trust him again. I don't know if that is true because I never even had the chance to see if I could learn to trust him again. The lies never ended and to this day they still continue. To this day, the person he pretends to be with me (which is very rarely now, we barely even speak) is different then the person he acts like behind my back and it kills me that it never changed. But mostly, I am just done. Not done because I am too tired to stick up for myself, but finally just done pretending i'm okay with being treated like an idiot when I'm not. Tired of being fed bullshit for what purpose now? Besides to solidify what I already know and believe?

So, now I have been left with the personal responsibility to rebuild my faith in people and my faith in the ability to make a romantic relationship work. This is so much more difficult then it sounds when for 5 consistent years you are shown that trust is not real. However, I have come a long way in a year and with the help of numerous people in my life. When the break up happened, I was amazed of the support that I found through many outlets. I was able to go out, have fun, and eventually stumbled upon a new relationship. It hit fast, it hit hard, but it was a challenge sent to me and I knew that I was ready to take it on. I had struggled for so long and I didn't see any point in holding back in life any longer. I was still fairly cautious though because I didn't want to repeat any past mistakes.

I'm grateful to stay that I haven't repeated anything. My relationship now is a completely different experience in so many ways. For one, Kyle has never lied to me once. Not once. After a whole year, I have had complete honesty even when honesty has been stressful news to hear. I have never had to question the status of our relationship or worry about anything but my own personal feelings regarding a future with Kyle. It's been hard to start a new relationship while letting go of an old one and it's been a constant battle, but I'm finally seeing that I'm where I am for a reason. I do trust Kyle fully and know that he will tell me the truth even if it's not what I want to hear. And that's more then I can say compared to what I had over a year ago.

I know that the longer I continue to have a successful relationship, the more my faith in people will grow and the easier it will be for me to trust others. I will probably remain cautious with new people, but the people that are worth it will be able to cross those boundaries and I will open up until proven otherwise. I've already had to learn a hard lesson once; I don't need to purposely punish myself for the past over and over.

Anyway, I know. Kind of out of nowhere, but finding the motivation to write lately has been difficult. As always, hoping everyone is doing well and enjoying their week.

Thursday, June 16, 2011


I haven't had a lot of time to post, obviously. My daily routine consists of waking up way too early, working between 8-10 hours, coming home and crashing or spending time with kyle. Sleep. Repeat. It's not necessarily a bad routine and it's nice to be earning money because I definitely feel overwhelmed by all the debt I need to start paying down. I'll do it though because I don't have a choice and because I can't wait to start getting things paid off.

I hate the stage that i'm at in life though. I hate being in transition, not knowing how things will work out, not knowing what my life will look like in 5 years. Regardless of what I want, I can only control so much of it and the rest is going to happen how it's supposed to. I thought my 20's would be so different, but I'm starting to see that they are even more scary then when I was in high school. At least in high school I had a short range of sight on the future where all I had to do was get into college or graduate and life was great. Already, I am almost done with college and then what? Do I just work the rest of my life? Will I be able to have a family with my physical issues? Will things even work out with the person I'm with when my past has shown me how fragile relationships are and how easy they can fall apart?

I am not a patient person when it comes to the future. I see all these people (especially in Utah) getting married and already having kids and I have mixed emotions about it. Part of me is wishing I could be going through the same things and another part of me is glad that I'm not because frankly, I don't feel ready for any of that. I feel so young still. I have so many things I want to accomplish and I just don't know how I'm going to get there. I don't know what I want out of life half the time and I think that's fairly normal. I think that I'm supposed to figuring all that out right now. I just wish that I could hurry up so that I could be at peace with life, but I have a feeling that there will always be something to worry about.

So, that's been my mind set for the last week. Normal? yes. Stressful and scary? even more so. Hopefully, I start to gain some more clarity in the next little while.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Golden Rule = Better World

I feel like I am trapped inside a high school box sometimes. All the drama that we all despise in high school, all the senseless and stupid things we worried about still continue afterwards. And all I can think about that is WHY?! Why do we still get caught up in teenage drama, why do we care so much about other's accepting us, why do we feel the need to belittle others for our own personal gain? Sometimes, I feel like people never really get past their childish insecurities. Everyone says that they mature and grow as they get older, but how many people prove that wrong when they keep repeating the same stupid actions over and over?

To all the adults out there that still act like this, grow up. You are only being an example to your children, to our future generation, and guess what? The future generation isn't looking so great. At least not from the view I have. So, teach your kids some proper values and how to treat others with respect so that we don't keep breeding stupidity. Eventually, we're only going to have stupid left if we keep it up with this trend.

All I can say is be who you want to be and don't let others make you feel like shit for doing so. Be aware of others not because you base your self-worth off of their opinions but because you care about how you impact your surroundings and are smart enough to realize that your daily actions have consequences. Don't talk bad about others because you never know what they have gone through, are going through, or what they are capable of accomplishing in their life. Don't play games with people and disregard their feelings and don't let your insecurities rub off on others. Just because you are unhappy with you doesn't give you the right to take it out on others and to bring them down to your level.

I'll just leave you with the golden rule because it seems like a lot of people have forgotten it lately:

"Treat others how you want to be treated."

It's really simple and unfortunately some of us will never comprehend it.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Work, B-Day

So, just a quick update because I am crazy busy and don't have a lot of time to write. Work has been going really well. I love my job, I love the people I work with, and I love the company as well. It's pretty much a dream job for me and so far so good. Tomorrow, I take a validation test that if I pass will allow me to start doing real testing. So, cross your fingers for me because that would be great.

I turned 21 on tuesday. I got to do a lot of fun things over the weekend and even though I had to work on my actual b-day it was still a good day. My mom sent me a cookie basket to work which was dorky of her but I liked it lol. Kyle got me an ottoman from Kyle for the foot of my bed so I can put textbooks and dvds and stuff in it. He filled it full of reese peanut butter cups. If you know me, you know that is like heaven in a box for me. He also got me some really pretty flowers. Then, Blake came over and brought me flowers and more tanning passes so I felt pretty loved. It was a much better b-day then last year. I still have yet to go buy a beer though just because I can.

So, right now my main focus is just excelling at my job and spending quality time with my loved ones. Of course, I'm still focused on improving all my health problems but I find that the more I mentally fight it the easier it is to handle. One day, i'll be strong enough to not feel anxiety in my life. All I know is it better stay warm this weekend so that I can get some hiking time with Kyle. :)