Wednesday, November 24, 2010


So, the dorky picture is unrelated, I just thought it was funny. I love THIS. This feeling of content and happiness that is finally washing over me is amazing. I wish that it could be like this every day and I know that eventually I will get closer to that. I've spent so much of my life looking back and obsessing over stuff I can't control and so moments like this are just so freeing.

I'm thankful for where I'm at in life. I never thought I'd get to that point after everything (such an understatement), but I feel like I'm where I am supposed to be now. I feel like all the moments have led up to this point and I can't wait to see what happens next. I have so many goals and dreams for my future, but mostly.. I am just happy for the now. :)

I'm thankful for my family. They could've kicked mt out when I left Tyler, but they didn't. They have been right by my side even when I couldn't see it and I'm glad. I love them to death.

I'm thankful for Kyle. He's been my bright light through all this darkness and I love how safe I feel with him. I trust him completely (which was really hard for me to accomplish at first) and I have so much fun with him. I can't believe how lucky I am to have him in my life.

I'm thankful for my little stinker, Laila. She is such a pain, but she has gotten so cute and big and I wouldn't want it any other way. I love my puppy. :)

I'm just happy to be.
And I couldn't ask for more.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Enough Already.

Wow. It must suck to know that after everything you've done, that you are still lying. I know for sure about one lie and I am 95% sure about the other one and it just amazes me that you still continue to lie. But it also makes me breathe a sigh of relief. I know I made the right choice; I think I've always known that. I just can't believe you can continue with this fake illusion that you call living. I wish that, for yourself, you would wake up and stop doing that to the people in your life and to for once, just be an honest person. Anyway, it doesn't even matter anymore, I just want you to know that you still suck at it and I wish you would knock it off. I couldn't make you change after 5 1/2 years though, so it probably isn't going to happen.

Wasn't it ever enough? I mean there is only so many times you can get caught and continue to do so. There is only so many times you can watch people who care about you be destroyed by your actions and your inability to grow up and just be honest. You still continue to bullshit me and tell me how you have life so figured out finally and how you are a better person and how you had all these plans for your life. I was genuinely happy for you, but you know what.. it's probably all a lie.

I'm frustrated and I'm angry because every single day I wonder if something else with us was a lie. So many things that I didn't even notice and now I can't get them out of my head because I know that I wasn't worth giving the truth to and that I still am not. And that is why we probably won't ever even be friends... because that's a pretty shitty friendship especially when I know for sure you are still lying. Don't worry, it wasn't even close to that point anyway, but just wow.. I can't believe the web of betrayal that you created and how, even now, you just keep spinning it.

And you know what.. I didn't deserve the way you treated me. I didn't deserve to be in the type of relationship I was in. I did deserve someone who respected me enough to be honest with me and who could build a happy and healthy relationship with me. I deserved to create a good, solid future with someone and to get married and to start a family. But all that was taken away because of one thing and one thing only.

I guess all I can say now is thank you because at least I won't have to wonder for the rest of my life. Now, I know.

Monday, November 15, 2010

School/Life Update

Wow, has time flown. Every year seems to go by quicker and quicker and I'm finally starting to see just how fast life will pass me by if I don't take advantage of it. I've also been busy as hell working on my degree and I am happy to say that I can finally see the end. All I have left this semester is 3 exams, 1 practical, 2 lab reports, and 1 big group project. Next semester is going to be really difficult, but after that I will only have two classes in the fall and then I am done.

Schedule Next Semester:
Industrial Microbiology MWF 8:30-9:20am
Industrial Micro Lab M 1:30-4:20pm
Microbial Genetics MWF 9:30-10:20am
Micro Genetics Lab W 1:30-4:20pm
Biochemistry MWF 10:30-11:20
Biochemistry Lab T 2:30-5:20
Tropical Diseases TR 11:30-1:20

Seem busy? Haha, it will be. I figured I'd rather have one way hard semester and then an easy one, so there it is. I know I can do it though and I know it will be worth it. I'm probably going to take at least a couple years off of school to work full time after I get my Bachelor's degree. Get my loans paid off and work on building up my credit as best as I can. Also work on becoming more independent and finding a house with a nice yard for Laila. I really want to go to Law School and I'm going to aim my life in that direction, but I know that it wont' be easy.

I can't believe I am seriously going to be done. It's taken a bit longer than I would've liked, but I am seriously going to be a graduate and it's an amazing feeling to have hard work actually pay off. I just hope that it will give me the jumpstart I need on my life because the economy has just been depressing so far. I've been trying to find a job for awhile so I can work while I'm in school, but the problem is that most people want full time workers and I just can't do that with my schedule.

I am doing everything I can to improve my life and who I am, but I know I still have such a far way to go. I need to work on being more productive in life and taking better care of my body. I think that as long as I organize myself that I can get myself to the point I want to be in life. So many exciting things are going to be happening and I can't wait to take them on. :)

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Expect to be Surprised

So, I completely suck at updating this blog. For some reason, I just can't write and when I do, it's usually not on here. Maybe making a blog public was a dumb mistake haha because whether I admit it to myself I use it to hold myself back. I guess my biggest change in my life has been this amazing person. <3 I don't know how/why it happened and I didn't even think I deserved it after all I went through, but I'm so glad I met him. I honestly thought it would take so long before I could open my heart up to anyone again, but when I met Kyle I knew that it was something special, something different and I knew that there was no way I could let it pass by because of fear.

I feel like I've lived my whole life in fear: fear of not being good enough, fear of loved ones letting me down, fear of being alone, fear of not being accepted, fear of not being loved, fear of everything falling apart. I guess I've decided I need to let that part of me go because if I don't, I'll keep getting the same result I've had so far.. and so I did. Yeah, I still have my days where I get scared and want to run away, but I definitely choose not to.

I love this person so much and it's scary because I have learned that in life if we love then we risk getting hurt and that most of the time, we do get hurt. I'm not in a rush to get married or have babies like a lot of people seem to be, but I still feel so lucky. My perspective on life and who I am as a person has changed so much and I know that I did it myself, but it certainly helped to have someone cheering me on the whole way and reassuring me that I am worth it. I've never felt so beautiful as I do when I am with him and I've never felt so able and willing to go after my goals. I feel so strong and so loving and it's amazing. I can't believe I met him just four months ago. As hard as it's been for me to move on from Tyler and even though I still miss him, I know that I will make it through and I know that Kyle is definitely supposed to be in my life.

So, if you read this babe, thank you so much. Thank you for being brave enough to deal with all of my baggage and for assisting me every step of the way these last few months. Thank you for coming through every single time I needed someone to be there and for making me feel completely safe when normally I would've been so scared. I love you so much.