Sunday, February 27, 2011

Words of Advice.

"Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I love learning new life lessons. I keep being arrogant enough to think that I pretty much have it figured out and then the most common sense events happen and I am like "holy shit, I am clueless." Haha, so I guess my newest lesson in life has to do with how I interact with people and the way that it can come across. A couple weeks back I kept getting into arguments with people online and someone pointed out to me that a strong reaction comes across as extremely insecure. I didn't feel like it had anything to do with insecurity, just that I enjoy to argue and make my point. However, I have seen countless people do this since then.

Everyone is do damn focused on tip toeing around each others feelings anymore that when someone does speak up it is considered an insult. I don't understand why this has happened, but it's a trend that I have noticed. Person A states an opinion, person B contradicts, and then person A gets extremely angry and takes it personally. Or just by posting your opinion in the first place you get a personal attack. People need to grow up and realize that just because there are differences in opinions doesn't mean that the world is against you or that someone is trying to hurt your feelings. Life is beautiful because of how diverse people are and I get sick of everyone trying to carefully fit into the same type of person.

Now, when someone has a difference in opinion, my goal is to take it for what it is. Do I respond still? Yes. However, I leave my emotions behind because it is not an emotional conversation. So far, it has worked out a lot more in my favor and it makes life that much less stressful. Plus, if you can maintain your cool in those types of situations you will have a lot more respect from other people.

Oh and this is something I've known forever: don't judge people you don't even know. I can't stand when people group others into categories based off of their looks and automatically decide to dislike someone for that reason. It's ignorant, immature, and shallow. Get to know people or don't make judgments.

Just something to consider and don't worry, this isn't towards anyone specific. (ha ha)

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Medical Update.

So, just a quick medical update because I really should be getting ready to go to school right now. My first doctor's appointment on friday (2/18) was a complete waste of my time. My doctor is an idiot and basically told me I can increase the dose of my medication or switch medications but otherwise not a lot he can do and that it's not that serious of a problem anyway. Needless to say, I am done with that doctor. If he can't even recognize the effect this is having on my life, then he's not worth my time or copay.

My appointment on Tuesday (2/22) was significantly better. I was a little worried because the front staff was not very professional and I waited an hour to see my doctor, but it was worth it. This doctor focuses on homeopathic remedies instead of throwing prescriptions at people which is nice. I'd prefer to address the problem rather than mask it with medication. Anyway, I am currently on different five supplements: magnesium, seacure, probiotics, fish oil, and fiber. I'm still taking my medication from before because I'm scared to get off of it. So, in total, I am probably taking about 15 pills a day. Yeah, that's the not so fun part. I also got a magnesium induction shot and had a blood draw done that is supposed to be a lot more extensive than what my other doctors did. Next Friday, I will be going in to do a food allergy test. So, all in all, I am having more hope with this doctor just because her approach seems a lot more logical. I have been feeling more energetic and the main has seemed a lot better so far, so now I am just hoping it lasts. I also know that I need to start making some changes with my diet too which is just a whole different mess.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

The Truth.

I miss you. A lot. Not because I want you back, but because you were my best friend and someone I thought I was going to spend my whole life with. I miss my “sure thing”, my fairytale fantasy, my “its us against the world no matter what.” I miss what I thought I had, not the reality that came around and finally slapped me in the face. I miss the person I was with you: that naive, everything is going to work out, nothing can stop me kind of girl. Someone who looked at the world as an amazing place where those that loved me would never hurt me. I miss knowing what my future was going to be for sure. I was wrong and it hurts to know that. It still hurts even after all this time and I will never ever get closure from it, at least not the easy kind of closure where we talk about the truth of what happened and we both agree its time to move forward. We’re not going to have that easy type of agreement, which hurts even more. After all this time, we still can’t even work it out enough to give each other closure from this mess.

And I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I just couldn’t do it anymore and I’m sorry that I hurt you. I sorry that I ended something we both worked so hard for and I’m sorry we couldn’t stay friends. I’m just plain sorry because I never wanted it to get so damn bad and I’m sorry that there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening. I’m sorry if you think that I hate you, if you think that I am emotionless, if you think that I have forgot you, if you think I moved on quickly. I’m sorry that I had to shut myself away from you in order to move forward. I’m just plain sorry because I know that it hurts and I know that there’s nothing I can do to change that.

I want to move on so that this pain can go away. Most days I ignore it as best I can and I try to live my life in the present instead of the past. It still lingers though; it lingers as emotional poison coursing through my body waiting for any minute that it can take advantage of my weakened state of mind. I feel it when I’m tired, when I’m upset, when I feel hurt. It all comes rushing back and I feel as if the whole world is ending. I feel like nobody is good and nobody is trustworthy. I feel like my whole life is a lie and that I will never escape the depression that seems to follow me around. And then I internalize it again, keep it deep inside, and throw away the key to my emotions. Until next time, until it all resurfaces again.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if there is really a good answer. I can only hope. Hope that you are making good choices for you and that you are setting yourself up for a happy life. That’s all I ever wanted for us to have, just happiness. I know we can’t have it together; but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want it for us individually and I will never wish harm on you, ever. I hope that you figure yourself out and I hope that you find someone amazing who loves you just as much as I did. And I hope that the next time, you’ll know better then to betray her trust. I hope, for myself, that this stops hurting and that I can keep the good memories and move on. I hope I can look back on you and me and realize that it was great at the time, but just not meant to be. I hope that I can let go of the trust issues that were created and hope that I can love without caution again. I hope that, at the very least, our experience together made us both better and stronger people. I hope it all wasn’t for nothing.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

The Reason For Pain

How do we become the person that we are today? Can we really blame the actions of a few people on the way that we are shaped or is it an accumulation of many peoples, many events, and many influences? It is amazing that we can live our whole lives believing one thing, but if someone has the power to say just one thing to us that changes our entire perspective then we can already start to reshape ourselves. Most of the time when this happens, it is negative. For example, most people grow up pretty confident in themselves when they are young and naïve about what society feels is beautiful. However, they get old, and they get to a certain age group where they start to realize that physical attraction follows certain rules. It takes just one person to call you ugly and you start to question that. Why do we do this? Why do we grow up for many years being confident, believe in ourselves, and then when one shitty person says something we let it change our whole entire world.
I’ve given myself many excuses over the years for why I am who I am. Why I don’t trust, why I am insecure, why I am “angry at the world.” And over the years, I’ve slowly changed who it was or what it was that made me who I am. I know it’s not that simple and to be honest I don’t think there is really a way for me to know exactly why I am who I am today or if I even completely understand that person. How well can we know ourselves when we spend all of our time trying to be something else or fit into what society wants us to be? Or when we are so busy fulfilling obligations that are necessary in order to just survive in this world? And the answer I have come up with for whom I can blame for my faults? No one. The fault only comes to me when I use it as an excuse to allow myself to go down this negative path of insecurity, uncertainty, and resentment.
It’s a simple lesson that we all have to learn eventually: shit happens. Everyone experiences some type of negative experience in their live. Life is not fair and some people take more shit then others, but the fact is… we do not learn without these negative experiences. As much as it sucks, there is no way in hell we would ever learn anything about life if it had been perfect. We would be oblivious to the world and when we are ignorant to life there will failure, eventually. Life is pointless without pain and the lessons that are a result of that pain. As much as we wish for life to be easier and we wish that we could just be blissful, the real meaning in life comes from facing those challenges head on and gaining knowledge from the mistakes that we make. Only then can we grow and become better. Only when we stop making the same mistakes can we move forward onto something better.
We have to learn to let go of our past, take the lesson, and move forward. We have to learn to let go and to not take it so personally. How do we accomplish this when we hold on to these experiences with so much emotion? Is it fake if I just ignore the problem and put a smile on my face? Is that really moving forward? This is the problem that I am now facing. I know that life is unfair, that shit happens, and that it happens for a reason. Now, however, I am struggling with what I can do to move forward. I keep myself busy with school, Kyle, friends and family. I fill my time with trying to reach an improved state of myself and I just keep hitting dead ends. This is the rut that I am hitting and I have finally understand what exactly the problem is. So, now that I know the problem, I need to find the solution. The best way I know how to move forward is to recognize what has happened to me and then put the pieces together into the puzzle of my life in a way that makes sense and in a way that makes the situation positive. So, that is my next step. I’m not sure if I will share that step because it is an extremely personal thing to do, but I know now what point I have reached and where I need to go next.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Another Quick Update

I hit the halfway mark for this semester today. Thank god! It seems like the longer I am in college the more stupid I become and the harder it is to succeed in my classes. I know that the classes are probably just way more difficult, but wow do I feel dumb on a regular basis. I will be happier than ever when I get through my last difficult semester and can start working full time. I'd much rather work because A) I'll get paid for working my ass off and 2) When I'm off of work I don't have to stay up all night doing homework. I can't wait to have a 3 day weekend so I can HOPEFULLY catch up on homework. Can't guarantee anything because I am the ultimate master of procrastination, but my quality of life over the next two weeks depends on how productive I can be now.

I also get to go see one of my doctors today. Not sure how effective the appointment is going to be, but hey.. you never know. More than likely, I won't get much out of it so I kind of feel like it's a bit of a waste of time. Oh well though. I don't have a lot of faith in doctors because I haven't really been told much that can help me with what I am going through.

I guess as usual in my life, I am waiting for the better future to come along. I'm always looking to feel better, to get in a better situation, etc and as much as it helps to have hope in the future I need to start appreciating life for what it is now. I'll have to work on that because it's not really the best way to live. Before I even realize it, I'm going to be old and wondering what the hell happened to my life. I don't want to be one of those people, ever.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Figuring Myself Out.. All Over Again.

So, I finally have a day off from school and I am finding it SO damn hard to get motivated. I hate that. I hate that I have to struggle and push myself to get going but it's going to happen. First, I am going to procrastinate and update a little bit though.

Lately, I've been reflecting on a lot of things in my life. Some of them are more painful then others, but they are all equally important. I feel like I have constantly been trying to balance moving on with my life while not ignoring my life either and I think I've off shot a little bit to ignoring my life. I think that dwelling on the past is useless and is not going to get me anywhere so I try not to consume my days with people who have hurt me or how painful my past has been. However, the issues are still there and consuming me whether I realize it or not. They still affect me and just because you I face it doesn't mean that it's not going to shape the person I am.

The problem is that I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to face things without dwelling on them and dragging myself down. I can recognize what happened, say what I learned from it, and then make the choice to not let it hurt.. but I don't know if that's really moving on or not? What do you have to do to truly move forward?

In light of all of this, I've also realized that I don't really even know myself all that well anymore. Who I was a year ago is SUCH a different person and I guess I haven't really taken the time to get to know the person that I've become. So, that's my first step. I found a list of 62 (yes, 62!) questions that deal with self-reflection. More than likely, I won't post them here because they require you to be completely honest and vulnerable and I'm not sure I'm ready for all of cyberspace to get that much detail. It's a start, though. For now, I'm going to go exercise and get some much needed chores done.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

This Weekend...

Last night, Kyle and I went night boarding. It was an absolute blast. I was worried because I hadn't been in a while and my last experience was not so great. It was also Kyle's first time so I was worried about just how much I could teach him lol. I must say he picked up on it really fast and I felt like I had never stopped. I fell off every single lift (he didn't fall off one! grr!), but besides that I maybe fell once or twice. I loved going fast even though that meant I had to stop and wait for Kyle sometimes, but it was totally worth it.

Just a great reminder to me that the little things and the little moments in life are what make up for all the hard stuff. My weeks are usually hell because of my physical problems and having such long hours at school. However, I always enjoy coming home and relaxing, working on homework, and spending time with Kyle. Even better is the weekends when we can actually get out and do stuff and forget about the rest of the world for awhile.

We also went and saw Gnomeo and Juliet with Blake this weekend which was VERY cute. Haha, definitely an animated kid film but it was pretty well-done and also had some adult humor thrown in there. Of course my dorky personality enjoyed it haha. We also watched "The Kids are Alright" last night which is a WAY good movie. I would highly recommend it to anyone that has an open mind and is not easily offended.

Anyway, I'm off to work on homework that I avoided all weekend. It sucks that Valentine's Day is on a week day, but I feel like I got to celebrate and do some fun stuff this weekend that completely makes up for it.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Introvert Intuitive Feeling Judging

Alright, so I'm not crazy. I just happen to make up less than 3% of the population, which is why I feel so different and like I am crazy half of the time. Anyway, I am talking about a personality test that tests you off of four main categories. It's kind of interesting.

Take The Test

I ended up with an INFJ personality or what they call a counselor and I definitely think it fits pretty well. Obviously at different times in our lives we fill different roles and depending on who we are around our personality can be different. However, this is me in my most deepest sense and the side that most people don't understand or get.

Counselors have an exceptionally strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others, and find great personal fulfillment interacting with people, nurturing their personal development, guiding them to realize their human potential. Although they are happy working at jobs (such as writing) that require solitude and close attention, Counselors do quite well with individuals or groups of people, provided that the personal interactions are not superficial, and that they find some quiet, private time every now and then to recharge their batteries. Counselors are both kind and positive in their handling of others; they are great listeners and seem naturally interested in helping people with their personal problems. Not usually visible leaders, Counselors prefer to work intensely with those close to them, especially on a one-to-one basis, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes.

Counselors are scarce, little more than three percent of the population, and can be hard to get to know, since they tend not to share their innermost thoughts or their powerful emotional reactions except with their loved ones. They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life. Friends or colleagues who have known them for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that Counselors are flighty or scattered; they value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Blessed with vivid imaginations, Counselors are often seen as the most poetical of all the types, and in fact they use a lot of poetic imagery in their everyday language. Their great talent for language-both written and spoken-is usually directed toward communicating with people in a personalized way. Counselors are highly intuitive and can recognize another's emotions or intentions - good or evil - even before that person is aware of them. Counselors themselves can seldom tell how they came to read others' feelings so keenly. This extreme sensitivity to others could very well be the basis of the Counselor's remarkable ability to experience a whole array of psychic phenomena.

Also, this explains a lot of what I go through in life.

INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.

I just find this interesting. Unlike horoscopes which are based completely off the day you were born this actually takes into account different aspects of your personality. I know that this fits me because I have constantly felt out of place in life and wondered why my interactions with people are so off. Part of it is because I don't trust a lot of people because of my past, but I also think that part of it is just my personality.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Friday Pointless Thoughts

So glad that it's finally the weekend. I used to enjoy my weeks more, but it seems like all I do is push through to the weekend every week. Fuck my body, that is a miserable way to live.

Anyway, in an attempt to update my blog more I thought I'd share a few random thoughts and updates about my life. I know, I know... it's so damn exciting.

1) Well, first of all.. I'm sick of not having time to actually read books that I want to. It drives me crazy that all I do is study, sleep, repeat.. every day. I had to go to the Gateway yesterday to replace my ipod (which was a fun mess all on its own) and I had a 40 minute wait so I just happened to run into a Barnes and Noble. I'm sorry, but when they put it right across the street there is no avoiding it. So, I thought I'd look through and see if there was anything worth paying for. I put back a book on how to have a well-behaved dog using the "love method" because it was expensive and I figured hey, my puppy is going to be evil no matter what because that is just her nature. (Seriously, she is just too smart). I also ran into the section with Terry Goodkind's books which i am listening to on my ipod right now and was so so tempted, but I actually kind of enjoy listening to something in my car. I also gagged my way through the romance section; hey if you can read that crap more power to you but it's so hard to take seriously. Finally, I stumbled upon "The Girl With The Dragoon Tattoo" and "The Girl Who Played With Fire". I've heard good things, so I decided I'd try them out if I ever get the time to.

2) I am almost half way through this semester. For a normal person, that is a great accomplishment. For a sick person, it is just a relief. This semester has definitely been a lot more difficult because it's a full load of upper division science credits. My first round of exams was not so great (two C's and an A), so I need to start organizing my time better and making studying my life. Honestly, I think I am just burnt out though; I'm ready to be done with school. I hate talking to people at school about what I am doing after I graduate. It's always "Oh, so are you going to graduate school?" or "What med school did you get into"? And my famous reply, "Neither, I'm a loser who is going to work after school. I might go to law school, but I'm sick of school. I need a break." I don't get why that is so different. Nothing wrong with continuing school, but it's not for everyone. Can't I just feel accomplished about a Bachelor's degree? Geez.

So, there's my thoughts. Happy Friday!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

February Update

So It's been 10 days since I last wrote. I hate writing lately. I used to be good at it, but lately I feel like all I do is make a list of boring, useless things. Maybe it's because my life has become so much less dramatic. Either way, there is not a lot to update on.

The meds are somewhat stabilizing my body, but I don't think I'm exactly where I want to be with my illness yet. I still have my painful days far too often and I'd like to get to a point where my life feels normal.. as least as much as it can be. I have two doctor's appointments coming up and hopefully I can get some insight that might progress my journey further. I'm also considering hypnosis. I know, it sounds crazy and the thought of it kind of creeps me out. However, supposedly there is really high success rate if you get a trained hypnotist to help you when it comes to IBS. Or maybe I'll try acupuncture. I don't really care what I have to do, I just want to find my miracle.

I lost my microdermal anchors. Sunday night, one of them started to reject. I was really hoping that wasn't the case, but it was. I soaked it all night and had it bandaged (which was irritating as hell) until morning just to make sure it wasn't just irritated or infected. However, the next day I knew it was time to take them out. As soon as I was done with school on Monday, I drove over to Koi Piercing Studio and told them I wanted both out. I had seen videos on the removal process so I expected to get cut open and be hassled until they could free it. However, it was quite a shock to me when the lady told me to breathe in and as soon as I exhaled she literally jerked it out. That was it. There was no digging, no manipulating of the plate. They literally hook on to the top piece and rip it out. Needless to say, there was some expletive terms coming out of my mouth at that point. It wasn't too bad though and they are already healing. They let me keep the jewelery so I can get anchors done anywhere in the future for about $30. I doubt that will happen anytime soon though. I must say that it's weird not to have them; I feel as if I am constantly losing pieces of my old self and as stubborn as I am about it.. it feels good. It feels like I am heading in the direction of the person I want to be.

It was a little bloody the first night, but they are healing great now.

I feel like there is a lot to talk about in my life, but I'd rather not ramble on for hours. Just know that I will be making an effort to update this more often and if it turns into a petty journal well.. I warned you from the beginning actually.

Hope everyone enjoys the rest of their week.