Thursday, October 27, 2011

Moving on from all the negativity

It's really hard for me to feel positive feelings towards you and to be okay with all that you put me through when I find out that you are messing with my family. If I could, I would scream at you all over again. What the hell is wrong with you? You couldn't be anymore of a toxic person and when I find out what you have been doing I just fall deeper and deeper into not giving a crap about you. I guess I should be happy that you make it easy for me to realize I made the right choice letting you go. Now I know who I was with all along and I know I will never make that mistake again. Don't guilt trip me about not being your friend or for moving on too fast when you made it way too easy. Thank you, thank you, thank you for showing me your true colors in time for me to get the hell out. I couldn't be with a better person then I am now and I actually have a shot at a real future where I am not stressed out 24/7.

So I know I haven't been that great at updating. Sometimes it takes anger/pain to spark me into writing again. I've also been so busy with 15 hour days of work and school combined so when I have free time I'm usually passing out with Kyle. I hate being so busy when all I want to do is to do things that make me happy. I'd like to spend more time with Kyle's family because it's so rare to find people that are that genuine and amazing. I just gotta keep reminding myself that I will be done with school on December 7th (as long as I pass everything) and that after that life will be significantly easier. Hopefully by then, Kyle and I will be in our new house and finally be able to start building a future together. As stupid as it sounds, I can't wait to go pick out stupid things like bowls and cups together. I can't wait to go and pick out how we are going to decorate or to go grocery shopping with him and to argue over what kind of cereal to buy. Although I doubt we will because we seem to be pretty compatible about most things. I can't wait to put our yard in so that I can make a little garden and attempt to not kill plants lol. I just want my life to be more simple and care-free so that I can actually enjoy it.

I gave up on doctors for now. For a few reasons. The first: I'm not getting the results that I want. Although I think my last doctor had a great point, I know that I can't handle the type of work that he wants me to do right now. I don't want to relive negative things in my past. I finally got to the point where I don't make myself relive painful things constantly, so why would I work hard to get back there. I want to be happy and focus on what's happening now because my life is pretty good in the present. Second: it is extremely expensive to go to alternative doctors that don't take insurance. I'm trying to pay off my debt as much as possible and save up to buy stuff for a house. I don't have the money to throw $260 at a doctor that may or may not work. So, I'm just taking care of me the best I can because it is my responsibility alone to do so. Kyle is a huge help and I don't ever forget that, but i know that it's up to me to get through all of the issues i am experiencing. I just wish that I could trade in my type of pain for something more socially acceptable. Something that isn't so isolating because it would make life easier. I would take extreme pain anywhere else if it meant I could interact with people without having anxiety that I'll get sick.

So, that's what is going on right now. This weekend should be nice because I won't have to study as much so hopefully we'll do some fun halloween things and spend some time with his family.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Finding Balance

The hardest thing to find in life (at least for me lately) is balance. I'm learning to not hold on to emotions and to let them go, but at the same time I don't want to be overcome by it either. I've always learned to be strong and I thought that was my way of being above emotions but I realized it was a cop out. However, I have things to get done in life. I can't afford to face every problem on a daily basis. I've been trying to do so much and it's making me physically ill and exhausting me like crazy. So, I guess it's time to prioritize and decide what's worrying about and what's not.

As far as my last post.. it's not something I'm going to worry about anymore. I'm not even angry anymore to be honest. I've learned over and over in life that friendships are pretty temporary and that the only person you can truly rely on in life is you. If you can find happiness within yourself, the rest will fall into place. If people want to say things about me that's their own issue and it's not something that should affect me. I know who I am, I know what I am going through on a daily basis, and no one can make that decision for me. No matter what people will always have their opinions, but it's my choice if I react to it or not. So, I'm not going to. I'm just going to let it go because holding on to grudges in life is way too toxic.

I have 8 weeks left of utter exhaustion due to my school/work schedule. For normal healthy people it would be exhausting. For someone like me who is in physical pain 24/7 it is absolutely a test of will power. I'm doing it though and I'm not going to give up until I have my degree in hand. I just want to get financially stable so that my biggest worry in life isn't money. I want my biggest focus in life to be something as simple as finding a hobby that I love and creating relationships with people that are worth my time (especially with Kyle's family). I want to have my own family one day too, but I have got to get myself to a more healthy mindset at the very least before that can happen. I don't want to bring a child into this world if I can't even take care of myself; that's not fair.

I'm hopeful, but I'm also realistic in the fact that my future and my health is completely in my hands. I can wish and hope for whatever I want, but if I don't take the steps I need to take then my life will still stay the same. Life is about finding what makes you happy in life and then taking whatever steps you need to in order to achieve that happiness. You have to be willing to be truthful with yourself no matter what so that you don't "trick" yourself into thinking you are happy when you know very well that you are not. I did that for years and it only brought me intense hurt and pain.

So, my steps for now:

1) Graduate college (just get it out of the way so that I can focus on other aspects of my life)
2) Move out
3) Practice meditation/yoga - get good at centering my mind and my body
4) Find a hobby/passion that I can do when I'm not working
5) Eat more healthy and exercise regularly

I can not wait to have time to start making some of these changes in my life.

Kyle and I are going to the uproar festival today so I actually get a day off of work/school for once. I can't wait to get some one on one date time with him.. it doesn't happen very often. Hopefully my migraine mellows out before I get a new one from the concert ha. :)

Sunday, October 2, 2011


So, yesterday I found out that an old "friend" of mine really wasn't much of a friend. It doesn't shock me because I knew it all along, but the nerve that some people have just astounds me. To talk crap on me to my family and then not expect me to find out is just stupid. I'm fine that you feel the way you do and it doesn't shock me because you were never able to see the big picture ever since I've known you. I'm not fine with you opening your mouth to my sister though. That's like me going to your family and talking about how we can't be friends because you are too self-centered and shallow. You can't stand not having the world revolve around you and it's not something I can give to you. I believe that our friendship ended (again) because of many reasons and faults from both sides. Yes, I became extremely attached to Kyle. I get that completely, but that's not why we stopped hanging out. If I recall, I invited you a few times to come hang out only to get blown off. If I recall, there were times when you didn't even try to extend an invite either. I think you would like to blame this on me having a boyfriend, but I think that you can't handle being friends with someone who is actually happy in a relationship. Just because I didn't want to entertain you 24/7 doesn't mean I didn't want to be friends. I actually did until I realized just how selfish and shallow you still are. You also never tried to understand my health issues or actually anything about me. Instead, you would throw me under the bus in front of people to make yourself feel better.

I want to thank you for being the reason why I met Kyle. It has been a huge significant change in my life and I can't believe how well my life is going to have such a positive person involved. I truly wish you the best in life and I hope that you find whatever it takes for you to be TRULY happy. I hope that will one day not see such a shallow picture of the world because there is so much more to it then you will ever know. I am done though. I'm done with trusting people who treat me like crap. I'm done trusting people that take out all their insecurities on others because they are too afraid to face themselves. I am just ready to take care of me so that I can get healthy and heal. So, that's what I'm going to do because it's the only thing I can do. None of this should offend you because like you already said.. you gave up.