Short and Sweet.

So, just thought I'd leave a quick update. I don't have time to ponder the universe and come up with something amazing so this is what you get.

My body is still being a pain in the ass. However, I managed to mentally focus myself today and it was a good day. It started our awful, but I was really happy that I could calm my body down and still be successful/happy in school. That gives me hope that without any additional medication I can do that.

On a brighter note, I got some new meds to try today. I'm really hoping they work, but it's hard to say. For some people, it's a miracle.. and for others, well it feels like you might as well be taking sugar pills. I'm hoping I'm on the miraculous side, but it's hard to say at this point. I guess I just need to stay positive and be grateful for what I have in my life. Nobody's life is perfect and although most people don't go through this type of physical pain on a daily basis everyone suffers with something. The point is just to stay focused and keep myself motivated on achieving my goals.

I've also been amazed at my ability to make appointments lately. Lol, it feels like I am making them left and right. Between the two doctors, laila's vet appointment, dentist, hair appointment, and the recall on my car (yes, I have a toyota) I am just loving the productivity. Haha, it sucks being an adult sometimes. I wish I could go back to the age where I just ignored anything as horrifying as a doctor's appointment and put it off as long as possible. I kind of did that with my car though.. that should've been fixed last year. Well, don't worry, as long as I don't die between now and next Thursday at 2:00 pm I think it will be okay.

Kyle and I are also in the process of planning a trip right now, but I think I will post more details on that when we make some more finalized decisions. I love having him in my life; he is definitely a constant spark to keep me going especially when my body seems to be failing me.

I hope everyone had a happy Monday as well. :)

My Body.

So, if you know me closely, you'll know that I am constantly sick/in pain and have been since 2008. In 2008, after many tests and frustrating procedures, I was told that I had IBS or irritable bowel syndrome. As far as I know, there is no cure of fix for this and all I can do is manage it the best I can. I've learned more about it in college (mostly on accident) and pretty much know that every time I eat food, my body thinks I am consuming something toxic and attacks itself.

It's been an extremely long journey trying to live a normal and functional life. This is the reason why I have hold myself back quite a bit in life and also what makes me fear the future the most. It's pretty hard to imagine accomplishing what I want to when I am always hurting. I used to be embarrassed about this condition and not want to talk about it because let's face it... most people don't even have to worry in the slightest about things like this. I just don't care anymore. My life is what it is and I'm not ashamed to talk about something that is a HUGE component of my life. Imagine being in pain all day long, every day. It starts to take over and a lot of times it's pretty easy to feel overwhelmed with my life.

Anyway, I have been on meds since 2009 and had been doing a lot better since. Not perfect, but much better. However, in December of 2010 my body relapsed and it's been hell since then again. It's extremely frustrating and makes it nearly impossible to get through school so I am going back to my internal medicine doctor and I also have a new doctor I am going to try out. The sucky part is the appointments aren't until Feb 18 and Feb 22nd, but I guess it's better then never. My mom has also been a huge help lately with researching things I can do on my own to get better. I didn't ever expect her to get involved with my illness, so it actually means a great deal to me that she is stepping up and trying to assist me as best as she can.

I really hope I can find something that works for me and allows me to live a pain free and productive life. I don't want to constantly feel held back because of the fear and anxiety that comes along with this condition. I have no way of knowing what my future holds though and I certainly know now that this is out of my control. I also wondered today just how often people even notice others, especially others who are sick. Think about it. How often do we look around and pay attention to what other people are going through? I'm pretty sure most people would be shocked to know I have this condition because I push past it and hide it on a daily basis at school.

So, if there is anyone else out there (and I know there is) that is going through any type of condition where you suffer chronic pain.. just know that you are not alone. I know it's so easy to feel that way, but know you are not and know that even when it's hell that your body will have it's ups and downs. Even if you are at your lowest, you can still go up and get better.

Set Yourself Up For Success, Don't Expect It To Fall In Your Lap

I think there is something that I have realized lately and it has to do with what makes me happy in life and what will ultimately get me to where I want to be. It's the fact that what you do with your everynday time is extremely important. I can't stand being unproductive and I don't think I could ever live a life where I don't accomplish anything. Even if I was extremely rich (which I doubt lol), I would still have to be working towards something. Otherwise, what's the point? If you aren't going to leave behind anything in life then why are you here?

Too often, people I know base their personal happiness around those that are in their lives. Now, don't get me wrong. I think it is extremely important to have family, friends, and loved ones to be by your side in life. I don't take any of that for granted. But, it can't and shouldn't define you. If it does, every time there is drama or someone hurts you it will feel like your whole world is crashing down. You've got to have a separate aspect of your life that defines your own personal happiness or you will get lost in everyone else's lives. Let's face it, everyone has their own agenda and goals in life and if you don't have that for yourself you will constantly feel let down by others that you aren't priority #1.

Maybe I can blame this on the fact that I am an introvert and that I truly enjoy my alone time. I enjoy taking time to accomplish goals on my own. However, I still think it is something that so many people can learn from. I get tired of hearing people bitch about how they would be so much happier if they just had someone in their lives. It's not true. You have to be happy with you first before another person can ever truly complete your life.

So, with that in mind, I want to continue with my obsessive behavior and set some goals that will make me happy. Lately, I have been stuck in a loop of procrastination and time wasting and I refuse to stay in it. Part of it has been because I have been really sick lately, but it's going to swallow my life if I don't pull out of it.
So, here we go:

1) I need to write more often. I may have to start writing just on my computer because to be honest, I don't feel comfortable writing everything online. There is a whole different side to me that I'm not sure I want to share with just everyone. But, the point is, I need to write. Maybe I'll start creative writing or maybe I'll just make a log of incessant bitching every day. Either way, I just need to write. It makes me happy and it gives me a purpose.

2) I need to organize my homework better. Not just write down what I need to do, look at the list, and then groan and turn away from it. Lol. I need to actually set goals that absolutely need to be accomplished daily so that I don't get overwhelmed. I've got two semesters left and I refuse to let my whining stop me from getting this degree.

3) I need to organize my personal space better. I have been so overwhelmed with life lately and it's made me fall behind on keeping my room the peaceful place that I absolutely need amongst the chaos of my life. This needs to be fixed. If I don't have a calm setting to go to, none of my other goals are going to get accomplished.

4) I need to figure myself out. This is going to take a lot and take some time, but I need to start seriously considering exactly what I want out of my life when I complete school. I need to start looking at what type of job I want with my degree, if I want to go to law school, where I want to live, etc. I've been avoiding it, but I need to start taking small steps to figure this stuff out. I need to have something to look forward to and realize that the place I am at now is definitely not going to last much longer.

5) I need to continue to take care of my body and my health. I have been doing a lot better at this, but I need to keep it up and not slack off on certain days. I need to drink more water and continue to work out as much as I can because it will only make me feel better in the long run.

So, we'll start with that. I know it sounds like a lot (and it is), but I need some type of motivation to get me out of my rut and nothing does that better than overwhelming myself with a ton of goals. I might not accomplish them all at once, but at least it's something to focus towards.

With that in mind, I have to get back to another long list of mine. My homework.

Black Swan

Black Swan is an amazing movie. I've seen it twice now and I couldn't be more in love with it. I think it was very well done and even though it's not the most uplifting movie, it is still something I find myself hooked on. I love Natalie Portman anyway because no matter what movie she is in she always does a fantatic job at portraying whatever character she is. She also isn't an actress (Jennifer Aniston, Catherine Heigl) who plays the same damn character no matter what the movie is.

This movie made me want to learn how to dance haha. I doubt I could ever be that coordinated, but I thought the ballet in this movie was very well done especially since the actresses only trained for a year before shooting. I was worried I would be bored out of my mind with the dancing scenes, but it was actually really interesting to watch. This movie had just enough balance to where the dancing was still important but it didn't take over the whole movie. There was still plenty of back story and drama that was involved around Portman's character.

I loved the people that got up and left during the movie because of a sexual scene between Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis (who, by the way, is also becoming one of my favorites). It just astounds me that people go to an adult movie and because there is a sexual scene between two women instead of a man and a women that it is absolutely disgusting and something they can't handle. Grow up, Utahns, they didn't even show anything so if it was that bad it was your own imagination getting carried away with you. I also noticed that one of the guys that walked out yesterday made sure he took his time while walking out. Sorry, but it just gets old that people refuse to see that humans are sexual by nature and become so damn offended. No one is asking you to behave like a slut nor will you turn into one by watching a movie.

Anyway, if you haven't seen this movie, I highly recommend it. I don't know if I would necessarily call it life changing (it does involve a lot of mental health issues), but it was still well done and a lot better than the typical movies we see coming out lately.

Astrological Signs Shift

Alright, so I'm sure everyone has heard by now that the all of our preconceived notions about what our signs are have apparently been wrong. For 20 years, I've been a Gemini which means that I am energetic, charismatic, communicative, witty, and that I have a child-like fascination with the world and with new experiences. I've been pretty comfortable with this sign and although I'm not obsessed with my sign it's something that I felt like was a part of me.. even if it was in a small way.

Now, all the sudden, I am a Taurus. Not that I mind giving up the "split personality" sign and accepting a... bull? Haha. Interestingly enough (or maybe i'm just convincing myself) Taurus actually fit me better. The characteristics of a Taurus include stable, conservative, home-loving, people who rarely get upset. A Taurus knows their own strength but usually handles situations with dignity and self-control. Taurus is also the most stubborn of all zodiac signs. I can say one thing about myself.. I am very, very stubborn.

So, depending on what source you read this shift is either bullshit or it's real. Honestly, I can see traits of myself in all zodiac signs. I've never been too reliant on horoscopes because most people's horoscopes can fit me some days. I would never get a tattoo for either one because I don't think this stuff defines me. It's just interesting to follow. It's funny because I checked what signs I was compatible with and according to those charts me and Kyle are not compatible at all.

I guess I'll just have to define myself based off of my own life experiences and discover my own personality traits instead of relying on horoscopes to tell me who I am or how to live. Weird concept.. I know. For now, I guess I'll just be a Gemiarus or Taurmini..

I wonder how much people will be using the pick up line "What's your sign?" It's probably going to start a lot more conversation than it used to. :)

Vulnerability

Man, am I starting to struggle with school. Maybe it's just because it's Wednesday and I've finally made it through the hard part of my school week, but wow.. I am just exhausted. I will finish school, but I will be counting every week that goes by until I am done.. because everything is starting to get so close. By the way, there are 12 weeks and 2 days left of school. This doesn't count Monday which I have off or the Monday in February I have off. :) Thank god for a shorter spring semester and for more holidays in the spring semester as well. I guess it wouldn't be so hard if it wasn't for my constant physical issues that I feel like I am going to have to deal with the rest of my life.

I'm going to have a vulnerable moment for just a bit here, which is something I try to avoid but...

It is really hard to look around and see all these people enjoying their education and their young lives while I know that mine will forever be crippled by pain.

It is really hard to put a smile on my face anyway and pretend nothing is wrong because I don't want to be judged or treated differently from my teachers.

It is really hard to count down the hours, the minutes, and the seconds for each class because I know if I can just make it through those countdowns I will get through school.

It is really hard to not be able to just eat and to enjoy food and to have to make up a lame excuse anytime someone wants to do something that involves eating.

It is really hard to know that I can't make plans weeks or months ahead of time because I'll have no idea if I can physically handle it.

It is really hard to pretty much lose all of my close friends because it is impossible for me to maintain relationships when my life revolves around.. once again.. physical pain.

It is really hard to be in any type of new situation because I know that my body will tense up and be in pain... which only makes it worse.

It is really hard to know that there is no cure, no solution, and that this is probably how I will feel for the rest of my life.

I'd like to lie and turn this post around and talk about all the positive things in my life that magically overcome the pain... but I don't lie. There are happy moments in my life and there are painless moments in my life (this is rare). However, this constant pain and struggling is just.. exhausting. It's very tiring and disappointing to know that I can only do so much with my future and even then I'll never be able to accomplish as much as I would like to. Sure, I will get my bachelor's degree and sure.. I will probably get a decent job. But I could've done so much more and I could've been so much better.

Embrace Change.

All I've got to say about life sometimes is WOW. It is just amazing to look around at the people in my life and to look at my own life and see how fast things change. The people that end up together, the couples that don't make it, and the families that are constantly shifting and changing. It is just amazing and the best part about it all is that everyone finds their way somehow. Everyone goes through hard times, but everyone also finds happiness in their own way and I am just amazed. I know this seems really obvious, but it's something that I am learning to appreciate because I tend to resist change in some ways.

This season has been a little bit difficult for me because I have had the same routine/traditions for the last 5 years. So every time an event has gone by it's been a reminder of just how much my life has changed and how it will never be like it used to be. After getting through it though, I have realized that I'm glad my life has changing because I truly believe it's only going to go up from here.

I am lucky to have met someone who is honest, hardworking, and one of the most caring people I have ever met. He is hands down one of the most inspiring individuals I've ever known in my life and I am just amazed at how much he has been through to be by my side. He also happens to have one of the most loving and accepting families that I have ever had the chance to meet and I am happy to just be a part of it all and to be able to love someone who is so amazing. We've been together for 6 months today and we haven't had a single fight. It is such a good feeling to know that I can be in such a healthy relationship after everything I've gone through.

I guess the lesson I can take from this is that even at my worst something as amazing as him happened. So, as I continue to face challenges in my life and go through hard times, I know that it can always turn around and be amazing again.