family

family

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Future/Quick Update

Last night, Kyle and I went and saw his new nephew, Dallas. God, was that baby cute. :) When I was younger, I really didn't ever see myself having kids.. it just seemed like such a foreign thing to me. However, the last couple years it's something that I haven't been able to stop looking forward too. I know I am young and I am not in a rush to have kids anytime soon, but I can still appreciate how amazing it is when I watch others go through that experience. I also must say that Kyle's family makes extremely cute babies, so that's a plus ha ha ha.

On that note, I have been working on my future lately and trying to decide what I want to do and I am fairly positive that I am going to be taking a break from school. I have been looking at information on law school as well as getting my medical technologist certification and both just don't look really all that appealing right now. I think I have been in school too long and that I need to have a break to start earning money and getting the other aspects of my life on track. As much as a struggle it has been with my body, I need to get a job and start getting independent, moving out, and preparing for a future.

So, that's where I am right now. In the meantime though, the next 3 weeks of school are going to be hell. I can't believe that I seriously have 3 weeks left, but they will be busy. So, I'm going to start working on that. :)

Sunday, March 27, 2011

How I Met Kyle

When I met Kyle, it was an accident. The night I met him (July 1, 2010) was a Thursday and I was actually supposed to be meeting someone else. That weekend, I had a blind date set up and I wanted to meet the guy* ahead of time so it wouldn't be so awkward. So, my sister, Megan, and I went over to the car show at Riverton Park so I could run into him and hopefully get to know him better. We spent time goofing off on the rides which I will say now that carnival rides are just plain scary and I finally met him. It was pretty awkward and although I tried to be outgoing, it was pretty obvious this guy was fairly shy. Even so, he was super sweet so I thought I'd give it a chance to see how it went.

After spending some time at the park/car show we went back to my house to play pool. When we got there, Megan was using my computer to facebook Tim (Kyle's friend) and see if he wanted to come over and hang out. She told me that Tim asked if he could bring his friend Kyle along and I told her that I had no problem with it but it'd probably be pretty awkward for Kyle considering he would kind of be a fifth wheel. So, about twenty minutes later, they both came over and wow, where do I even begin. I had never met anyone like these two. They both walked into the room with confidence and introduced themselves with a handshake which is something I wasn't used to at all. Right off the bat, Kyle got my name mixed up and I immediately gave him shit for it. Although I thought Kyle was cute, he wasn't the typical type of guy I would go for so I thought that it would just be a fun night to goof off.

Throughout the night, I couldn't remember laughing as much as I did around these two. They were so goofy and carefree, but not in an immature and annoying way. I couldn't help feeling like maybe I had been set up with the wrong person. I felt pretty bad because the original guy I was set up with was super sweet, but I just wasn't feeling any type of connection with him. I played it cool though because I didn't want to be the type of person to blow someone off like that. To be honest, it took me awhile to realize that I had a connection with Kyle that night. When he started doing his impressive "hold his body up by his arms" stuff is when I took a second glance and was like "wow, that is pretty impressive." Lol, sounds so funny now that I think back about it. I didn't think he would be interested in me, but I still attempted to make steady eye contact with him a few times. My heart pretty much stopped when I finally got him to look back.

When everyone went home that night, I told Megan about my dilemma. How, I really had felt a connection with Kyle and that I felt bad because of the original set up. She got in touch with Tim and Tim pretty much confirmed that the feeling was mutual. Before I knew it, I was giving Kyle my number. The next night we hung out at Megan's house and watched scary movies and I got to cuddle with him. The awkward part of all of this was that two days later we all went to raging waters (original guy included) and I was kind of caught in the middle. That night, however, Tim, Megan, Me, and Kyle all went to the drive in movies and I finally got to spend some time with just him that day. That night we had our first kiss (amazing!) and we have pretty much been inseparable since.

I fell fast for Kyle which wasn't something that was in my nature, but I'm so glad that I happened to meet him that one night. I don't know if I ever would've ran into him if it hadn't been for that exact situation. I'm so glad that I have someone in my life who is so patient, kind, funny, smart, and amazing. He has pretty much shown me who I really am and gotten me to a point in my life I never thought I would reach.

I love you Kyle James Norman, so so much. :)






*Just as a little background info: I had been texting this guy for about 2-3 weeks prior and it was a set up through Megan. He was a really nice guy and I won't share his name especially because he no longer talks to me today.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Reflections on Happiness

What is happiness in life? A lot of us spend so much time trying to figure out what exactly will make us happy, if we are truly happy now, or what we need to get to be happier. Here's the problem with that: it makes happiness completely out of reach. I can guarantee that if I sit down and think about all that is going on in my life that I will find things to be sad about. If I dig deep enough I can find things that haunt me and can make my life miserable. I choose not to. It's not that I ignore things that need to be faced; these are things I have faced head on, reasoned through, and I now know are in my past.

I find happiness in a few ways. First, is to look towards the future. Setting goals, getting excited about upcoming events, and planning things I want to do are all things that make me happy. This give me something to look forward to so that if my present situation is crappy I know that it will get better. Second, I learn to appreciate the little moments in my life that occur on a daily basis. I find hobbies that I enjoy, spontaneous moments that break up the monotony of my life, and plan quality time that I can spend with people I love. I choose to be happy, to be grateful, to appreciate, to love, to thrive, to survive. I see no other choice in my life but to reach for happiness on a daily basis.

This doesn't mean that I'm not going to have bad days. I have bad days all the time because my body refuses to function normally and I am in constant pain and have to miss out on things that most people think are nothing. I have to feel isolated at school every day because no one has any idea of what I am going through and probably just assume that I am stuck up because they have no idea what is truly going on.

My life is not perfect, but it doesn't mean I can't be happy. And I know that it's something I'll never stop fighting for no matter what. I choose the future, not my past. And while I look towards the future, I enjoy the present as much as I can.


There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state to another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life.
- Alexandre Dumas

If only we'd stop trying to be happy we'd have a pretty good time.
- Edith Wharton

What we call the secret of happiness is no more a secret than our willingness to choose life.
- Leo Buscaglia

Monday, March 21, 2011

And the fight continues..

I started my new diet 9 days ago. I thought everything was going great and I was feeling A LOT better, but I relapsed again today and got really sick. It sucks because I'll get confident and have hope in my life and then it's crushed again when I realize that my sickness is still very much present. I'm feeling pretty down about it right now because I am still in pain, but I hope I can get back on my feet. I really need to get through this semester and I can't afford to miss a ton of classes.

I also spent $90 today on hypnotherapy cds to hopefully work through some of the anxiety that comes along the pain. I am staying on track with my meds and diet so I don't know why I would relapse except for neverending anxiety that comes along with this. I just really really hope that I am still getting better and that today was just an off day because I can't mentally afford to go downhill again.

I have an acupuncture appointment on April 2nd that might possibly help. I don't know, everything is just a possibility but nothing is a guarantee and I hate that. I just want to live a normal life that I can actually enjoy and I feel like every time I start to get back on my feet I get knocked flat on my ass again.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Medical Update

Just a quick update I guess. I feel boring cause I don't have a lot to really talk about but I guess it's good to keep track of all this sometimes.

My diet is going pretty good so far. Just some of the highlights:

Pros: my stomach feels a lot better, i get bursts of energy, i know that i am eating a lot more healthy

Cons: I'm constantly tired, feel weak, weird twitches, food cravings, having to cook constantly

This is definitely a learning curve. I'm having to learn how to cook in the first place, but also how to cook things in a much different way then most. There are so many basic things I need to make sure aren't in my food such as corn which is a major base in a lot of foods. But It will be good for me in the long run and even though it's a pain, it's something that will become easy when it is habitual for me. It's just not yet and there is a lot of changes my body is going through.

I go to the doctor tomorrow and I'm going to talk to her about how long I need to be on the diet and what I can expect.. I mean this could be anytime from about a month to a year. I also want to talk to her about different treatments such as the use of antibiotics as well as hypnotherapy.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Why It's Okay to Hurt

So, I had another moment of clarity last night. This was probably something I already knew, but I was able to embrace so much because of it. I was hit by a lot of things that have happened in my past. It is so hard sometimes to look back and see all that you have lost no matter what it is you have gone through. Part of you foolishly aches for it and it's a side that I know is child-like and naive. Then there's the part of you that misses it deeply, but knows that it will never come back. I'm not getting into specifics on purpose, in case you were wondering why I am being so vague.

The clarity that I found and it was so empowering was that every single time you lose something, something is also gained. I know, simple right? And it's not to say that I didn't know it, but to have it right in front of your face for you to examine is so much different then someone just saying you that "everything happens for a reason" or "when one door closes another opens" or some other overused clique. This is something I first noticed awhile back when I lost my dogs. As sad as I was/am that they are no longer in my life, my perspective was opened when I was able to see all the new life around me. For instance, Laila. She is only 1 1/2 years old and even though I miss my other dogs deeply, new life will always form and is something that we can embrace in this world. Death is not an easy thing to cope with and it's especially not easy when you don't necessarily believe in God, but you can still appreciate new life and I do very deeply. To know that with each death more than likely there is new life is just extraordinary and it's a reminder to appreciate your own. That's what makes life so precious is that it's not everlasting and it's something you have to make the most of.

Along with this, when you lose a relationship there are also new loves to come. This is something that was shoved right in my face last night. I feel so much grief for people I lose in my life and it is usually for really good reasons. However, I was talking to Kyle last night and we started to talk about how we met and all of our early memories of falling in love. You know, that crazy unimaginable feeling that only rarely presents itself. I started to realize mid conversation that I have so much to be happy about. Yes, I lost someone in my life and it is still hard to this day, but it allowed me to meet someone else in my life. Someone who I am really glad to say is very important to me and someone who is more than likely going to be in my life a long time (that's my cautious scared side in case you were wondering). I lost everything and I had to pick myself back up and then I found this. This amazing peace in knowing that even though life can be horrendous sometimes and it may feel like everything is ending that somewhere out there your next opportunity is waiting for you. You just have to have the courage to go out and there and find your true happiness, whatever it may be.

I wish this for everyone because it is truly amazing and I'm glad it faced me head on, finally. Not to say that I still won't struggle some days, but I will always be able to remind myself to keep looking forward.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Diet Overhaul

Goodbye wheat, good bye rye, goodbye cheese, goodbye milk, goodbye banannas, goodbye tomato, goodbye pork.

The following foods I can no longer eat. Not for at least 30 days and possibly even longer. I am on day 2 an even though this is probably one of the most difficult things I've had to do I am actually feeling pretty dang good. I have energy and I don't know what to do with it. I have been working out, sleeping well, eating what I thought was alright and I have constantly been exhausted. I thought for sure that I had depression or something along those lines because of just being so tired for no reason. And two days off of the above foods and I feel like I am going crazy with energy lol. I am starving all the time because everything I eat breaks down so fast, but it's worth it.

It is good to have hope and even though I have to struggle for what most people call normal I am ready to fight. I want to feel better and I want to appreciate and enjoy my life. I have a strong support behind me and I am so appreciative for my mom for stepping up and helping me find foods I can actually eat. She pretty much had to pull me out of bed yesterday because I was so sick. I also appreciate Kyle because as usual, he is nothing but supportive and loving and I am so so lucky to have him in my life. I couldn't be more in love then I am now and I can't wait to see what the future will bring for us.

There's my quick update. I guess I'm not much in the mood for writing still, but I will try to track my progress at least.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Spring Break Needs to Get Here

Spring Break you couldn't come any sooner. One more day and I officially get a week off of 2 hour commutes and stressful long days. A week off of getting home at 6 just to do homework until 11. A week off of having to ignore my amazing boyfriend just because I have way too much work to spend good quality time with him. A week to catch up and work on all my big projects that are due. A week to sleep in, although I probably won't do that too much.

I know the week will go by fast though because they always do. Yet, I'm still excited. School is coming so close to an end. I can't believe I have nearly survived yet another semester especially since I was probably at my sickest so far. It's only going to get easier because fall semester I will only have two classes and unfortunately there are no class taught over the summer. (darn, what will I do)

Before you start thinking I'm a lazy bum, I am starting to look for full time work already. I am definitely going to update my resume and then start looking for graveyard shifts. The only problem is that with my school schedule I can't work days and unfortunately most jobs are during the day. My degree comes first though. I'm way too close to let a job distract me from it.

So that's what I'm focused on right now. As far as everything else that tends to consume me, I am putting that on hold as much as possible so I can just focus on accomplishing what is important to me. I'm just working on staying organized and doing the best I can because that's all we can do in life anyway.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Coming Back Down

Sometimes lyrics are better at describing feelings then my own personal words. That, and I just absolutely love this song.


Coming Back Down
Hollywood Undead


I just can't escape
It's like you're here with me now
But the words you say
They always seem to fade out
Since you been away
I'm just a face in the crowd
Someday, someday
I know you're coming back

Down in the dirt
With your blood on my hands
I blacked out
But now I do understand
That you were too good
For this world so you left it
Everything turned red
And then you made an exit
I don't even know
If it was your time
But like all good things
That pass you by
It's like a lost soul
In the time of need
It made me grow up fast
And put some blood on my knees
And you don't even know
What's beyond you
Thinking you could never die
Like you're bullet proof
So I guess you had to leave
You were born with wings
But you were never happy
Til the angels sing

I just can't escape
It's like you're here with me now
But the words you say
They always seem to fade out
Since you been away
I'm just a face in the crowd
Someday, someday
I know you're coming back down
Someday, someday
I know you're coming back down

I'm ashes to ashes
I'm dust to dust
And when a man
Turns to ashes
Forget about love
Like the feeling inside you
With the bottle beside you
You both end up empty
Like an angel just died too
I look to the heavens
To the sky and the rest
I looked inside myself
I felt my heart in my chest
Something so point blue
There's nothing to say
Some hearts to stay true
When falling away
Come lay down beside me
What you and I mean
It's only what I've seen
It's only just one dream
Tell my baby I love her
And I wish I could hold her
It's hard to say goodbye
When you know that it's over

I just can't escape
It's like you're here with me now
But the words you say
They always seem to fade out
Since you been away
I'm just a face in the crowd
Someday, someday
I know you're coming back down
Someday, someday
I know you're coming back down
One day, one day
I know you're coming back down

I know you're coming back
Know you're coming back
I know you're coming back down

I know you're coming back
Know you're coming back
I know you're coming back down (down)

I know you're coming back
Know you're coming back
I know you're coming back down

I know you're coming back
Know you're coming back
I know you're coming back down

I know you're coming back down

I just can't escape
It's like you're here with me now
But the words you say
They always seem to fade out
Since you been away
I'm just a face in the crowd
Someday, someday
I know you're coming back down
Someday, someday
I know you're coming back down
One day, one day
I know you're coming back down

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Just Checking In.

I've been closed off for the last few days because I haven't wanted to face any pain or face what I'm feeling. Monday, we lost Moose. I know he was old and I knew it was coming, but it still felt so sudden because he went from wagging his tail and acting fine to downhill in the time span of one day. I miss both of my dogs. Fly has been gone for 5 months on March 6th and it still feels like yesterday. It has left a huge gap in the house having only the little dogs around now. I just really hate death and I don't see it getting any easier in life. It's really difficult to be okay with it when you don't believe in God because there is so much more uncertainty about what happens when we die. I would like to hope that it's more then just nothing but either way I am struggling to find any sense of comfort. There is nothing I can do to fix this and only time will dull it.. but it really just sucks.

School has been so long this week. I have a hellish exam coming up on Friday that I need to spend the next two days really studying for or it is not going to be an enjoyable experience. Next week, I finally don't have any exams. So I am just going to spend it working really hard to get caught up on homework as much as possible because the week after is spring break. :) I have a lot of big presentations coming so hopefully I can put a lot of work in this weekend and next week so that spring break isn't just full of homework. I can't wait for this semester to be over because with all of my body issues it's been nothing but stress, unfortunately. I am just exhausted.