Thursday, November 3, 2011

Living with IBS

So, I am missing my first class. again. That's three weeks in a row. To be honest, I don't know how much I care. I love this class, actually, and I love the teacher but I am just running on empty lately. My health issues have increased extremely again and it's all that I can do just to make it through work every day. So if that means saving myself a few hours of time where I can relax and sleep then that's what I'll do. I'm five weeks away from graduating and I couldn't be any less motivated. I'll do it though because I certainly don't want to continue this work and school schedule.. it's really not that fun. I'll just have to push through as best as I can until it's over.

I'm sick of being sick all the time. I'm sick of being isolated and having no one to talk to about what I'm going through. I'm not angry with anyone because I know that four years ago I wouldn't have understood what I was about to go through. If someone had tried to talk to me about the same thing I wouldn't have known how to support them or known what to say. It doesn't mean it doesn't suck and it's doesn't mean that it's not extremely difficult to be a social outcast because of health issues that I have no control over. It doesn't mean that I am not exhausted, drained, and sometimes downright depressed because I feel that a huge part of my life has been taken away. Every time I look towards the future I see this disorder constantly getting in my way and making my life a living hell.

Having irritable bowel syndrome does not make me a gross, anti-social, or undeserving person in society. It just means that I have to work 10x harder then someone who is healthy to make it through a regular day. It just means that I can't eat whatever I want whenever I want. It means that I have to hide in a shell of discomfort all day long because I know that me discussing it with anyone is not socially acceptable. You know what though? I don't care anymore. I'm tired of being in pain and hurting. I'm tired of not getting to eat what I want and I'm tired of being hungry all the time. I'm tired of being angry with my body and hating myself because I can't just get better. I'm tired of being ashamed of who I am and living inside my own head because people don't get it. I'm tired of being afraid that people will judge me and see me as less of a person because I can't live the way everyone else does. I'm tired of losing friends because they just didn't bother to try to get to know what was really going on with me. I'm tired of the doctors that tell me it's all in my head and that it will go away and I'm extremely tired of all the doctors who are willing to give me a miracle cure for loads of money. I'm just tired beyond belief because I am 21 years old and my life should be a lot easier and care free then it is.

Just like anyone else who has any other type of disorder, disease, or illness.. I am still a person and I still deserve to be treated like everyone else. I still deserve to at least be given respect when I choose not to eat a typical unhealthy american diet or if I choose not to eat at all. I deserve at least that much. I would never judge someone for something that was out of their control and I would never make assumptions about someone without talking to them first. Maybe I've just learned these things because I am sick and I am isolated.

I guess I'm just done living in a generation that just doesn't seem to care about others outside themselves. And that is why I continue to just take care of me and those that are close to me. The rest of it is just all too shallow and I don't really feel like buying into all the bullshit anymore.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Moving on from all the negativity

It's really hard for me to feel positive feelings towards you and to be okay with all that you put me through when I find out that you are messing with my family. If I could, I would scream at you all over again. What the hell is wrong with you? You couldn't be anymore of a toxic person and when I find out what you have been doing I just fall deeper and deeper into not giving a crap about you. I guess I should be happy that you make it easy for me to realize I made the right choice letting you go. Now I know who I was with all along and I know I will never make that mistake again. Don't guilt trip me about not being your friend or for moving on too fast when you made it way too easy. Thank you, thank you, thank you for showing me your true colors in time for me to get the hell out. I couldn't be with a better person then I am now and I actually have a shot at a real future where I am not stressed out 24/7.

So I know I haven't been that great at updating. Sometimes it takes anger/pain to spark me into writing again. I've also been so busy with 15 hour days of work and school combined so when I have free time I'm usually passing out with Kyle. I hate being so busy when all I want to do is to do things that make me happy. I'd like to spend more time with Kyle's family because it's so rare to find people that are that genuine and amazing. I just gotta keep reminding myself that I will be done with school on December 7th (as long as I pass everything) and that after that life will be significantly easier. Hopefully by then, Kyle and I will be in our new house and finally be able to start building a future together. As stupid as it sounds, I can't wait to go pick out stupid things like bowls and cups together. I can't wait to go and pick out how we are going to decorate or to go grocery shopping with him and to argue over what kind of cereal to buy. Although I doubt we will because we seem to be pretty compatible about most things. I can't wait to put our yard in so that I can make a little garden and attempt to not kill plants lol. I just want my life to be more simple and care-free so that I can actually enjoy it.

I gave up on doctors for now. For a few reasons. The first: I'm not getting the results that I want. Although I think my last doctor had a great point, I know that I can't handle the type of work that he wants me to do right now. I don't want to relive negative things in my past. I finally got to the point where I don't make myself relive painful things constantly, so why would I work hard to get back there. I want to be happy and focus on what's happening now because my life is pretty good in the present. Second: it is extremely expensive to go to alternative doctors that don't take insurance. I'm trying to pay off my debt as much as possible and save up to buy stuff for a house. I don't have the money to throw $260 at a doctor that may or may not work. So, I'm just taking care of me the best I can because it is my responsibility alone to do so. Kyle is a huge help and I don't ever forget that, but i know that it's up to me to get through all of the issues i am experiencing. I just wish that I could trade in my type of pain for something more socially acceptable. Something that isn't so isolating because it would make life easier. I would take extreme pain anywhere else if it meant I could interact with people without having anxiety that I'll get sick.

So, that's what is going on right now. This weekend should be nice because I won't have to study as much so hopefully we'll do some fun halloween things and spend some time with his family.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Finding Balance

The hardest thing to find in life (at least for me lately) is balance. I'm learning to not hold on to emotions and to let them go, but at the same time I don't want to be overcome by it either. I've always learned to be strong and I thought that was my way of being above emotions but I realized it was a cop out. However, I have things to get done in life. I can't afford to face every problem on a daily basis. I've been trying to do so much and it's making me physically ill and exhausting me like crazy. So, I guess it's time to prioritize and decide what's worrying about and what's not.

As far as my last post.. it's not something I'm going to worry about anymore. I'm not even angry anymore to be honest. I've learned over and over in life that friendships are pretty temporary and that the only person you can truly rely on in life is you. If you can find happiness within yourself, the rest will fall into place. If people want to say things about me that's their own issue and it's not something that should affect me. I know who I am, I know what I am going through on a daily basis, and no one can make that decision for me. No matter what people will always have their opinions, but it's my choice if I react to it or not. So, I'm not going to. I'm just going to let it go because holding on to grudges in life is way too toxic.

I have 8 weeks left of utter exhaustion due to my school/work schedule. For normal healthy people it would be exhausting. For someone like me who is in physical pain 24/7 it is absolutely a test of will power. I'm doing it though and I'm not going to give up until I have my degree in hand. I just want to get financially stable so that my biggest worry in life isn't money. I want my biggest focus in life to be something as simple as finding a hobby that I love and creating relationships with people that are worth my time (especially with Kyle's family). I want to have my own family one day too, but I have got to get myself to a more healthy mindset at the very least before that can happen. I don't want to bring a child into this world if I can't even take care of myself; that's not fair.

I'm hopeful, but I'm also realistic in the fact that my future and my health is completely in my hands. I can wish and hope for whatever I want, but if I don't take the steps I need to take then my life will still stay the same. Life is about finding what makes you happy in life and then taking whatever steps you need to in order to achieve that happiness. You have to be willing to be truthful with yourself no matter what so that you don't "trick" yourself into thinking you are happy when you know very well that you are not. I did that for years and it only brought me intense hurt and pain.

So, my steps for now:

1) Graduate college (just get it out of the way so that I can focus on other aspects of my life)
2) Move out
3) Practice meditation/yoga - get good at centering my mind and my body
4) Find a hobby/passion that I can do when I'm not working
5) Eat more healthy and exercise regularly

I can not wait to have time to start making some of these changes in my life.

Kyle and I are going to the uproar festival today so I actually get a day off of work/school for once. I can't wait to get some one on one date time with him.. it doesn't happen very often. Hopefully my migraine mellows out before I get a new one from the concert ha. :)

Sunday, October 2, 2011


So, yesterday I found out that an old "friend" of mine really wasn't much of a friend. It doesn't shock me because I knew it all along, but the nerve that some people have just astounds me. To talk crap on me to my family and then not expect me to find out is just stupid. I'm fine that you feel the way you do and it doesn't shock me because you were never able to see the big picture ever since I've known you. I'm not fine with you opening your mouth to my sister though. That's like me going to your family and talking about how we can't be friends because you are too self-centered and shallow. You can't stand not having the world revolve around you and it's not something I can give to you. I believe that our friendship ended (again) because of many reasons and faults from both sides. Yes, I became extremely attached to Kyle. I get that completely, but that's not why we stopped hanging out. If I recall, I invited you a few times to come hang out only to get blown off. If I recall, there were times when you didn't even try to extend an invite either. I think you would like to blame this on me having a boyfriend, but I think that you can't handle being friends with someone who is actually happy in a relationship. Just because I didn't want to entertain you 24/7 doesn't mean I didn't want to be friends. I actually did until I realized just how selfish and shallow you still are. You also never tried to understand my health issues or actually anything about me. Instead, you would throw me under the bus in front of people to make yourself feel better.

I want to thank you for being the reason why I met Kyle. It has been a huge significant change in my life and I can't believe how well my life is going to have such a positive person involved. I truly wish you the best in life and I hope that you find whatever it takes for you to be TRULY happy. I hope that will one day not see such a shallow picture of the world because there is so much more to it then you will ever know. I am done though. I'm done with trusting people who treat me like crap. I'm done trusting people that take out all their insecurities on others because they are too afraid to face themselves. I am just ready to take care of me so that I can get healthy and heal. So, that's what I'm going to do because it's the only thing I can do. None of this should offend you because like you already said.. you gave up.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Still Trucking Along...

I am constantly changing. Who I am today, yesterday, and tomorrow is all different. I think I have it figured out and I am constantly proving myself wrong. It's amazing how something as simple as who I am is a question, but it is and that's not necessarily frightening to me. I like that I am open to change. It means that my life will always get better instead of stand in one miserable place. I have had to do a lot of work lately: facing my issues and facing my feelings. Ever since I was 13, I've taught myself to internalize. I actually prided myself in how good I was at hiding my emotions and keeping my cool no matter how hard things got. I've had to let that go the last few weeks. I've had to feel, to react, and to let go and I know that sounds easy but it's been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I have started seeing a new doctor that works with releasing emotions and it is making a difference for me. It's a constant battle, I hate doing it, and it's uncomfortable as hell. It's right though and It's what I need to be doing. I'm just hoping that THIS is my answer because I am so ready to be pain free and happy. There are so many things I want to do with my life that I feel are taken from me because of my body. It's time to move forward.

Kyle and I are doing really well. Our relationship is getting stronger on a daily basis and I am so very lucky to have someone like him by my side. We're still waiting to hear back on our offers on the house, but we did expect this to be a slow process. In fact, we hope it does take a while because it gives us more time to build up money so that we have less stress when it does happen. Last weekend we went up to Park City because I wanted Kyle to ride the Alpine Slide since he never has. We both got to ride the Alpine Coaster for the first time as well which was actually really fun. I loved getting some down time with him especially in such a pretty area.

I love life. I love who I am and who I am changing and becoming on a daily basis. I know that I can do and be better though. I am pretty sure that as soon as my bachelor's degree is finished this december I will start making some serious efforts to improve myself. I'm not sure what exactly that entails but it's something I will always work on.

Saturday, September 10, 2011


So, Kyle is gone for the weekend. It's pretty pathetic, but I can't stand being away from him.. it just doesn't feel right. Ever since we've started dating we've been together pretty much nonstop. It took me forever to fall asleep last night just because it felt so off not having him here. I know that this is cheesy but I can't help but appreciate how truly wonderful Kyle is. When I met him a year ago, I knew that we had a great connection. We connected on so many levels (spiritually, mentally, and physically) and got to know each other and learn about each other really fast. Kyle has already proven to me just how much he cares about me because he has stuck by me through a lot. I honestly feel like I am a completely different person compared to last year and a huge part of that is because he encouraged me to be happy with who I am and to appreciate the little things. So funny how one person can make such a huge impact on your life and I wasn't even looking.

I can confidently say that I want to spend my life with him. I know that things change and that people change too, but every change we have made has only made our relationship stronger so far. We have such a strong base that I really don't see the little things tearing us apart. I know that I will always be willing to work through whatever comes our way because I truly love and adore the person that I am with. He is just so honest and upfront about everything. What you see is what you get with Kyle and I find that type of vulnerability extremely endearing. I never have to guess with him or question anything he says because I know that he will not betray me or lie to me. He is so patient, kind, goofy, and such a hard worker. He is truly one of my best friends and someone that I can always talk to no matter what we talk about.

He is the motivation that keeps me going through school and working long hours because all I want to do is have a good future with him and to be able to support a family with him. He is so unlike anyone I have ever met and he surprises me on a daily basis with how well he takes care of me and supports me.

I love the direction my life is going. It is difficult right now because I am doing so much and still dealing with health problems. But I love what I see in front of me and what we are working towards. I love that we will both have our educations and be able to support a family without having financial stress all the time. I love that he is the one I will wake up with every morning and the one that I will see before I fall asleep every night.

I miss him and I can't wait to see him when he gets back.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Labor Day Weekend

So, Kyle and I had a great but lazy weekend. Friday night we both pretty much crashed with has now become a common occurrence due to our crazy school and work weeks. Saturday we both woke up early and took Laila on a walk. We've both been enjoying the cooler weather lately, so that was a good way to start the day. Plus, I found out that Laila is smart enough to walk right next to us off of her leash. Greatest discovery ever. We spent the morning/afternoon running errands and getting some stuff done and Saturday night we went to the drive-in movies. I went to buy beer beforehand and was stupid enough to let Kyle go into the liquor store with me. Ha ha, I didn't even think about it considering he doesn't drink and I look way younger then him, but we got denied. So, I had to go way out of my way to get my beer which was pretty annoying. I hate the laws in this state. Everyone that drinks underage can get away with it so easy and the laws that Utah puts in place does nothing to stop it. If Kyle really wanted alcohol, I could go in and buy it and then bring it out to him and they wouldn't say a damn word.

Sunday was once again pretty lazy because we are both beyond wiped out. I had a really good and long talk with Kyle and we spent some time sleeping outside which was nice. We go into a conversation about spirituality which was actually really something we haven't done since last year after I had my experience. We are both not very religious, so it can be a bit overwhelming to think about life after death and what (if there is anything) is out there. We both have experienced death a lot in the last year as well, so it's been more of a prominent issue. It was good to reason through our beliefs and to still be able to come out in a positive light even if we don't agree with what society does necessarily. Doesn't mean that we don't have spirituality in our lives and that's all that matters to me.

Today, we went up to snowbird to Oktoberfest. It was really nice to go up the canyon and be in the nice cool weather. We got to ride up the tram, hike around a bit, and then ride the chairlift down. We both wanted to go on the alpine slide but we also realized that Kyle's arm probably needs some healing time. Kyle bought me a bellybutton ring (kind of without asking me lol) and I bought a feather necklace. We sat and ate and enjoyed some of the german music for awhile and then we came home and have been wiped out again pretty much the rest of the day.

Only 14 weeks left of school and work and then I will finally be able to get my energy back. Kyle and I also found another house in Riverton that we might look at putting an offer in on. It's a little more expensive, but the location and quality might make up for it.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

House Updates

So, we have made an offer on two houses. One of them was accepted today and sent to the bank for approval. Now we have to wait anywhere from 3 weeks to 3 months to see if the bank will move forward with the short sale. I'm getting really excited and hoping that one of the two works out because both would be a great opportunity for Kyle and I to start our lives in. They are actually both right across the street from each other and both are 3 bedroom 3 bathrooms. Our first priority is very immaculate and has been well taken care of (these were both built in 2005 by the way) and we love the layout the most overall. The 2nd floor has jack and jill bathrooms in between the two additional rooms which I found way cute. It also has a way nice back patio and an area where we could plant grass. The 2nd house (the one with the accepted offer) is also very nice and has a much bigger yard. The yard will definitely be a project, but i'm okay with that. The layout isn't as great upstairs, but the layout downstairs is super open and nice.
Both houses would make me incredibly happy; now I just have to be patient and wait to see what happens. In the meantime, I'm going to continue to work my ass off and save up money.

Kyle got hurt today at work. I feel like crap because he didn't want to stress me out so I didn't even find out until after work. It really gets to me that my illness can be so overwhelming that my number one in life can't even tell me when he is hurt. It's hard when I didn't even get the chance to be there for him and although I know his intentions were good, i have to know about things like that. I can't spend my days wondering if he is really okay if I haven't heard from him. I hate the line of work he is in and I can't wait until he can finally get out of it. I care about him way too much to have to constantly worry about things going wrong. He will be okay, but his arm was pretty torn up (to the muscle) and he had to get a lot of stitches. At least his work will pay for it (like they should).

So, that's my updates for now. Now I am off to sleep so I can get up and do another long day.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Moving Forward

So, life is going to be super busy for awhile. I just started school this week on top of working full time and to make life even more busy Kyle and I are looking to buy a house together. We've already qualified for a loan, so now we are at the fun part of looking at houses and making an offer. We found one we really really love yesterday. It was built int 2005 but it has been so taken care of that it looks brand new. It's a 3 bedroom 3 bathroom which we don't necessarily need now but it could be good for the future. :) It also has a little yard for Laila to play in which is really important to me at least. We are going to look at another house today that is right across the street so hopefully that one works out well so we have some choices. Either way, It will be awhile because we are going for short sales so that we can make some money on the house when we want to resell. I'm actually hoping everything comes through around Christmas time so that I can be completely done with school.

My body is hating my new schedule of pretty much 15 hour days now that school has started. I've been really sick and drained, but at least its my last semester. I only have 14 weeks left and I will have my bachelor's degree and then I can focus on my career and building my life with Kyle. I can't believe how much I can handle though. Even four months ago, I didn't think I could ever hold down a full time job because of being sick all the time. I'm glad that I face my fears in life instead of running and I love proving to myself just how strong I am and how much I can do if I wanted it bad enough.

I don't know if I believe in God, but I do believe that we are given challenges in life so that we can grow and learn from them. In that sense, I feel extremely lucky because I know that I am going to be a very strong person. I've gone through quite a bit and I'm finally getting to the point where I just can't feel bad about it anymore. It's extremely comforting to know that I can get through the day, that I can work, that I can still go out and have fun despite feeling pretty crappy most of the time. It's amazing that I have found someone who can be equally supportive while still pushing me to be better at the same time. I never saw my life going in the direction it has, but I'm really happy that it is. I'm excited/anxious to finally start moving forward with a new chapter in life.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Updates 10 Aug 2011

So, I'm finally locked in at my job. It is such a good feeling to finally know that for sure I have a job. That, even though I'm going back to school, I will still have financial stability and still be able to work towards my goals. It's amazing how if I just back off in my life a little bit that the little pieces actually fall into place. Sometimes I need to remember to just relax and live in the moment because stressing about the future doesn't really help me get to it. I already know my plans, I know what needs to be done, so I just need to suck it up and work my ass off until I make it. My goals right now are to get my debt paid down as much as I possibly can by the beginning of next year so that I can move out with Kyle. Kyle's main focus right now is to get a more stable job that we know will last through winter seasons.

I can't believe that I start school in less than two weeks. I would say I was excited, but I'm really not. I'm so burned out with school and ready to be done, especially since I already have a job in what I'm majoring in. I'm just going to push through it though because it's my last two classes and I will officially have a bachelor's degree. Can't believe that I will already be done with college this December. It feels like i just started high school ha ha, I hate how fast time flies.

Still working on my stomach problems. It seems to be getting worse for now. On the upside, i got my first chiropractic adjustment last week and it felt AMAZING. I definitely think I am going to get another one tomorrow. I didn't realize how much pain I was putting up with until after that; makes my job so much easier to handle. I'm just thinking that my next step is going to have to be to find a reputable hypnotherapist that can mind fuck me because nothing else seems to be working. Either way, I'm not going to stop fighting through it because once I give up then I have no hope in getting better.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Need to Stop Thinking About Kids

Am I a bad person if I am more excited to have kids then to get married? I feel like I can be happy with a person without necessarily being married. It's not that I'm against marriage; I just feel weird when it comes to all the legal issues. Celebrating your life with someone is awesome, just not sure I want the government involved.

I really want kids though. Ha ha, I feel like I am thinking through things backwards. Obviously, it's going to be awhile because I am not even done with school and I would like to be as financially stable as possible before embarking on a lifetime journey of parenthood. I will be pretty excited when the day comes.

In the last month, I've had two dreams about being pregnant/having a baby. In the first dream, I was pregnant with twin boys that were at different stages. Bizarre, but whatever. Last night I had a dream that I had a baby boy. I'm starting to get the sense that I either really subconsciously want a baby boy or that's what is really going to happen.

Anyway, for now I am going to be a responsible adult and enjoy being young and kidless. I'd like to see some of the world and spend some quality time living with Kyle first before any of this happens.

Monday, August 1, 2011

What I wish I knew then.

We have so much control over everything in life and it's crazy how much we fail to realize it. So often we make excuses for why our lives our shitty, why life is hard, why we can't do things, etc.

I don't know why my body was given the illness that I have, but I have learned some life lessons and some things about myself that have really helped me through some tough things.

First, I have learned that I can withstand way more physical pain then I ever thought possible. This is something I learned pretty young, but it has been interesting to see how many boundaries I have overpassed without wanting to. I know that everything we get through makes us stronger, so I can consider this a good thing.

Second, I have learned that my mind has a tremendous amount of power and control over how I feel about my life. I've also learned that I have the power to control and change it when I want and that I don't have to let fear and anxiety rule my life. This one has been extremely tough to overcome, but I think I am finally starting to get it.

I had a rough time from the age of 13-18. Like any normal person, I had bad things happen to me and people broke my trust. Where I screwed up was my inability to deal with it. Instead of facing it how I should have, I choose to constantly look back on my past as an excuse to feel bad about my life and an excuse to be an unhappy person. Stupid, and so much time wasted. But I know now. Shit happens, pain happens, death happens, trust will be broken, some people are bad. Things happen not necessarily for a reason, but so that I can be broken down and then learn the lesson as I build myself up again. No other type of experience can give me as much growth as pain and that is why I finally consider my illness a good thing. Am I like everyone else? Not at all. I can't go out whenever I want, I can't eat whatever I want, I can't relax in social situations, I can't make a ton of casual friends. It's just not something that is possible for me to achieve at this point in time. However, what I can do is build stronger relationships with those that I am close to, I can open my heart to trust again (Kyle), and I can put myself in a mentally positive position. I can appreciate my life even if it's not what is considered "Cool." I get so sick of the constant competition of who does more crazy shit on the weekend. Guess what? I'm happy spending time with my family, camping, fishing, and going to movies with Kyle. I love appreciating the simple things in life and cuddling up with my puppy. I love being around drama-free people (huge reason why I really like Kyle's family) and I have nothing to prove.

I know who I am, I know where I've been, and I know how to move forward. I know that looking back will never give me anything good. I know that the lessons that were needed have been learned and that the rest of my past needs to be let go. I know that the confidence and belief that I have within is 100x more important than the judgements that people who barely know me can make. I know that I deserve to be around people who treat me well, who are honest, and who are genuinely good. I know that i still have a long road ahead of me and am not nearly done with fighting my illness. I know that I have the power to fight and to have a good life and I know that I won't give up.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Quick Update (Work, Doctor, Kyle, Repeat)

Just a quick update while I have a few minutes to myself. Life has been going pretty crazy still. A lot of work, seeing a new doctor, and trying to balance a relationship with Kyle in the middle of it all. And school hasn't even started for me yet ha ha. Anyway, I'm unsure about my new doctor and whether or not I believe it will work out. I really want it to, but it is definitely a weird and alternative approach.

Kyle and I are about to head up to Huntington Reservoir to go camping and fishing. I'm so excited. So far this year, we've only been to the sand dunes and although it was a fun time, I miss the mountains and fishing. I have a feeling this trip will be a lot more peaceful then the last one as well. I am so excited to get to spend some time with Kyle finally without having to worry about going to bed before work (although we never go to bed early).

I'm really loving life right now despite the challenges I still face. On a daily basis, people at work make me feel stupid/awkward about me not eating. I have no idea how I can explain to them the severity of my illness or if people would even care so I just haven't tried yet. I've told one person, but I'm not sure if I am happy I did. It's definitely a vulnerable feeling knowing that someone knows and that he could tell everyone anytime he wants. Right now, my biggest focus is on my future with kyle and working hard now so I can save up to get a place early next year. I don't want to make the stupid mistake of jumping the gun this time and have all that financial stress on our relationship. I am also 90% sure that I am going to get hired on full-time (benefits and all) pretty soon here. I just want to make sure everything lines up so that I know for sure we can make things work.

Anyway, that's my quick update. I don't have a lot of time to dig into things, but I thought I'd write a bit while I could.
I hope everyone has a fun and safe weekend! :)

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Happy Perspective

I am loving life right now. I love being in situations that make me realize that life can really be amazing and that make me grateful for what I have in life. Last night was Crystal (Kyle's sister) and Craig's wedding and it was so fun. First of all, I'm not the typical girl who has always dreamed about having a wedding and everything down to the last detail. In fact, weddings to me have always been kind of stressful. I don't want to worry about planning out every little detail and I also have always dreaded all the formalities that can make weddings feel impersonal. Now, I'm not against these things if that's what you want. It's your day so you should plan accordingly. It's just not for me. I realized last night that it's possible to have a really good wedding while still making it about family and coming together. For awhile, I've wanted to get married on the beach somewhere to keep it small (yes, that's me avoiding stress) and then to just have a reception at home later on. However, I really liked how their wedding was done. It was simple, but it was still elegant and they still followed some of the traditions. It was just a really fun time and allowed family to come together and just celebrate together. That's all I could really hope for.

I love Kyle's family. Whenever I go around, it is always really fun and stress free. Everyone is so accepting and I love getting to see where he comes from and getting to hear any embarrassing stories that people are willing to offer about him. It helps me to see an entire different side of him and it also helps solidify so many of the things that I love about him. I am very lucky to be with someone as amazing and loving as Kyle is. It's been a little over a year and I couldn't ask for a better relationship.

Anyway, after last night I really want to move out to Eagle Mountain. Kyle and I have already been planning to move out sometime next year and I actually really like it out there. The rent is a lot cheaper, the houses are way nice, and it would be nice to be closer to his family.

So, yes, I'm a little high on life right now. :)

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Updates July 2011

So speaking of "Fighting for my Life", I am going to a new doctor on Monday. It's another alternative doctor, but I'm getting desperate and my health problems are continuing to spiral downward. It makes it difficult to function as a normal person when every morning I have to wake up 3 hours before work because I get so sick I wouldn't make it on time otherwise. It's hard to have to socially isolate myself because so many focus their interactions around food. It's hard to work 10 hour shifts and not be able to eat a real meal the whole time because I can't afford to get sick at work.

Anyway, he is more focused on the eastern medicine approach and energy flow through the body. Although that may sound weird, the only real therapy that has worked for me so far has been acupuncture which is also an eastern based practice. So, keeping my fingers crossed that this will do some good. He's an hour away so I'm hoping it's worth the drive as well. Either way, I'm going to keep struggling through this because I refuse to give up and accept the state that my body is in. It's bullshit and I'm only 21.

Still waiting to here from my work about whether I'll continue in the same department after this summer. I'm hoping so because I love my section, but there's only so much I can do to make that happen. The rest is up to corporate to decide.

Things with Kyle are going really well even though we are both crazy busy. We're both focusing on trying to save up money right now so that we can move out at the beginning of next year. We're trying to find a house to rent with a good yard for Laila and hopefully close by. My plan is to keep Laila at my parents during the day so she has some buddies to play with and doesn't cry all day. If we can't get a place close by i'll probably have to get her a buddy so she's not completely isolated. Kyle and I both work 10 hour shifts and on top of that he will be going to school too next year.

Blake is moving away which completely freaks me out. I felt like I had so much time before he was gone, but now it's already almost about to happen. He is on of the few that has stayed in my life over the years even when we were both going through a lot. Change in life is good though and I know that I would move out of Utah if I could ha ha.

Anyways, just some quick updates.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Fighting for your life.

I used to take my life for granted and think that the smallest things were such a huge inconvenience. I used to not really care about myself and lived in a self-destructive cycle of numbness. Then, I grew up and realized that the only person who can and who will fight for myself is me. I get tired of hearing people complain about being so unhappy and giving themselves a grocery list of excuses for why their life sucks. And I know life can be a bitch and that bad stuff happens everyday and I know that we all have struggles. Guess what? All anyone has control over is their own actions, their own attitude, and their own choices. If you want to choose to make bad decisions and to have a crappy attitude, then good riddance because your life is going to continue on the path to shit central. If you want to make an actual game plan to improve your life and to find what makes you happy, then you will eventually get there. It doesn't mean it will be easy, but nothing in life should be if it's really important. If your whole life is easy, then you have a serious problem you might want to examine.

I figured this out a long time ago, but it really hit at 18. I thought that I should take out all my problems on those that were close to me and blame it on everyone who wasn't perfect in my life. It was stupid and I learned quickly that 90% of the time the problem is within myself and can be fixed. It's hard to set aside our pride and admit that you were wrong, but I think it's what finally got me to a point in life where I can create my own happiness.

I face a lot of struggles in life on a daily basis and often it can make me feel extremely down. It is hard to appreciate life 100% of the time when I am in constant physical pain. It's hard to reach out to others when I feel the need to isolate and hide my problems because they are too embarrassing or hard to talk about. It's hard for me to keep moving forward with the same positive attitude when for 3 years I have struggled with something far worse then what I struggled with when I was a teenager. It makes me want to kick myself in the ass for being so stupid when I was 14 and for not seeing the bigger picture when my life was still pretty easy. It also makes me realize that all I have is the now and today. If I think today is bad, tomorrow may be even worse. So I appreciate my life as much as I can, forgive myself when I get down, and keep moving forward. Because its the only healthy direction I can survive in.

I didn't ever expect my life to go in this direction, but I realize that I am where I am for a reason and I just have to be happy with the good and see the bad as a learning experience.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Trust and Love in Relationships

Trust. I'm not quite sure what this word means to me anymore or how many people qualify to meet my standards of trust. I trust my family (mostly) and I trust a very few close friends, but besides that I feel like I constantly have to analyze the intentions of others. Here's the thing: when I was younger I trusted whatever people told me. It's not that I couldn't spot a clear lie and I did, but if people appeared to have good intentions then who I was I to even question it. This trickled over into my dating years and I was extremely quick to find out that most people, in fact, were not forthcoming with me. I learned fast and I only needed to learn each lesson once, but it was a quick handful that hit home very hard. My self-esteem was pretty much shattered when I met Tyler, but he became someone I could rely on to be there for me fast. I pretty much grew up with him and every challenge we faced together. However (and isn't there always a downside?) I started to realize over time that there was a huge issue of honesty in my relationship. They weren't necessarily big lies at first and it wasn't that he was unfaithful (that i'm aware of), but all these little lies started to add up to major trust issues.

I was naive and thought that through time we could just get over them and that I could learn to trust him again. I don't know if that is true because I never even had the chance to see if I could learn to trust him again. The lies never ended and to this day they still continue. To this day, the person he pretends to be with me (which is very rarely now, we barely even speak) is different then the person he acts like behind my back and it kills me that it never changed. But mostly, I am just done. Not done because I am too tired to stick up for myself, but finally just done pretending i'm okay with being treated like an idiot when I'm not. Tired of being fed bullshit for what purpose now? Besides to solidify what I already know and believe?

So, now I have been left with the personal responsibility to rebuild my faith in people and my faith in the ability to make a romantic relationship work. This is so much more difficult then it sounds when for 5 consistent years you are shown that trust is not real. However, I have come a long way in a year and with the help of numerous people in my life. When the break up happened, I was amazed of the support that I found through many outlets. I was able to go out, have fun, and eventually stumbled upon a new relationship. It hit fast, it hit hard, but it was a challenge sent to me and I knew that I was ready to take it on. I had struggled for so long and I didn't see any point in holding back in life any longer. I was still fairly cautious though because I didn't want to repeat any past mistakes.

I'm grateful to stay that I haven't repeated anything. My relationship now is a completely different experience in so many ways. For one, Kyle has never lied to me once. Not once. After a whole year, I have had complete honesty even when honesty has been stressful news to hear. I have never had to question the status of our relationship or worry about anything but my own personal feelings regarding a future with Kyle. It's been hard to start a new relationship while letting go of an old one and it's been a constant battle, but I'm finally seeing that I'm where I am for a reason. I do trust Kyle fully and know that he will tell me the truth even if it's not what I want to hear. And that's more then I can say compared to what I had over a year ago.

I know that the longer I continue to have a successful relationship, the more my faith in people will grow and the easier it will be for me to trust others. I will probably remain cautious with new people, but the people that are worth it will be able to cross those boundaries and I will open up until proven otherwise. I've already had to learn a hard lesson once; I don't need to purposely punish myself for the past over and over.

Anyway, I know. Kind of out of nowhere, but finding the motivation to write lately has been difficult. As always, hoping everyone is doing well and enjoying their week.

Thursday, June 16, 2011


I haven't had a lot of time to post, obviously. My daily routine consists of waking up way too early, working between 8-10 hours, coming home and crashing or spending time with kyle. Sleep. Repeat. It's not necessarily a bad routine and it's nice to be earning money because I definitely feel overwhelmed by all the debt I need to start paying down. I'll do it though because I don't have a choice and because I can't wait to start getting things paid off.

I hate the stage that i'm at in life though. I hate being in transition, not knowing how things will work out, not knowing what my life will look like in 5 years. Regardless of what I want, I can only control so much of it and the rest is going to happen how it's supposed to. I thought my 20's would be so different, but I'm starting to see that they are even more scary then when I was in high school. At least in high school I had a short range of sight on the future where all I had to do was get into college or graduate and life was great. Already, I am almost done with college and then what? Do I just work the rest of my life? Will I be able to have a family with my physical issues? Will things even work out with the person I'm with when my past has shown me how fragile relationships are and how easy they can fall apart?

I am not a patient person when it comes to the future. I see all these people (especially in Utah) getting married and already having kids and I have mixed emotions about it. Part of me is wishing I could be going through the same things and another part of me is glad that I'm not because frankly, I don't feel ready for any of that. I feel so young still. I have so many things I want to accomplish and I just don't know how I'm going to get there. I don't know what I want out of life half the time and I think that's fairly normal. I think that I'm supposed to figuring all that out right now. I just wish that I could hurry up so that I could be at peace with life, but I have a feeling that there will always be something to worry about.

So, that's been my mind set for the last week. Normal? yes. Stressful and scary? even more so. Hopefully, I start to gain some more clarity in the next little while.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Golden Rule = Better World

I feel like I am trapped inside a high school box sometimes. All the drama that we all despise in high school, all the senseless and stupid things we worried about still continue afterwards. And all I can think about that is WHY?! Why do we still get caught up in teenage drama, why do we care so much about other's accepting us, why do we feel the need to belittle others for our own personal gain? Sometimes, I feel like people never really get past their childish insecurities. Everyone says that they mature and grow as they get older, but how many people prove that wrong when they keep repeating the same stupid actions over and over?

To all the adults out there that still act like this, grow up. You are only being an example to your children, to our future generation, and guess what? The future generation isn't looking so great. At least not from the view I have. So, teach your kids some proper values and how to treat others with respect so that we don't keep breeding stupidity. Eventually, we're only going to have stupid left if we keep it up with this trend.

All I can say is be who you want to be and don't let others make you feel like shit for doing so. Be aware of others not because you base your self-worth off of their opinions but because you care about how you impact your surroundings and are smart enough to realize that your daily actions have consequences. Don't talk bad about others because you never know what they have gone through, are going through, or what they are capable of accomplishing in their life. Don't play games with people and disregard their feelings and don't let your insecurities rub off on others. Just because you are unhappy with you doesn't give you the right to take it out on others and to bring them down to your level.

I'll just leave you with the golden rule because it seems like a lot of people have forgotten it lately:

"Treat others how you want to be treated."

It's really simple and unfortunately some of us will never comprehend it.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Work, B-Day

So, just a quick update because I am crazy busy and don't have a lot of time to write. Work has been going really well. I love my job, I love the people I work with, and I love the company as well. It's pretty much a dream job for me and so far so good. Tomorrow, I take a validation test that if I pass will allow me to start doing real testing. So, cross your fingers for me because that would be great.

I turned 21 on tuesday. I got to do a lot of fun things over the weekend and even though I had to work on my actual b-day it was still a good day. My mom sent me a cookie basket to work which was dorky of her but I liked it lol. Kyle got me an ottoman from Kyle for the foot of my bed so I can put textbooks and dvds and stuff in it. He filled it full of reese peanut butter cups. If you know me, you know that is like heaven in a box for me. He also got me some really pretty flowers. Then, Blake came over and brought me flowers and more tanning passes so I felt pretty loved. It was a much better b-day then last year. I still have yet to go buy a beer though just because I can.

So, right now my main focus is just excelling at my job and spending quality time with my loved ones. Of course, I'm still focused on improving all my health problems but I find that the more I mentally fight it the easier it is to handle. One day, i'll be strong enough to not feel anxiety in my life. All I know is it better stay warm this weekend so that I can get some hiking time with Kyle. :)

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Be Open

So, I've started to notice a trend about today's society. Alright, not necessarily just barely noticing, but people are so self-centered and fixed on their own ideas.

Now, I know I say this as I sit and write on a personal blog so it may come across as hypocritical but that's not what I mean. I actually think it's a good thing that more people are sharing their stories and their thoughts. Back when I first started blogging, I didn't know of a single person that did it. What bothers me is the lack of understanding that people have for other's viewpoints, opinions, etc.

I know that living in Utah can be pretty tense for someone who isn't the typical LDS mindset. I have nothing against LDS people so let me put that out there first and foremost. I think that there are a lot of great people who belong to their church and that the ideals of the church aren't necessarily that bad until people become extremists with them. Unfortunately, there are a lot of mormons that can come across as very judgmental and ruin it for the rest of them. Growing up, I was told multiple times that my parents were going to hell because I went to church but they didn't. Eventually, I got sick of all the nonsense and decided to pull away from it because I was sick of being singled out just because my parents weren't active. I don't regret pulling away from it at all and personally, organized religion just isn't for me. However, that being said, I do believe that the church can bring people together in a good way as well.

I don't really care what someone's religion is to be honest. It's not even about that. I bring it up because it is a huge reason for the divide in this state, but I know that your religion doesn't necessarily define everything you think. What bothers me is people that are so extreme in their views (and this can apply to any topic, not just politics) that they can't even open up their mind to what someone else thinks. They completely shut out other viewpoints, get extremely angry and defensive, and then don't even bother to give real support for their own ideas. This is not okay to me and shows a huge lack of character in my eyes. I remember being constantly frustrated in high school (Riverton, not Itineris) because any time I would open up about any of my viewpoints I would immediately have 6 or 7 people attacking me and they were all repeating the same exact thing verbatim as if they really had no thoughts of their own. Numbers don't always equal power, it just magnifies the ability for people to become sheep. Plus, if people had actually taken the time to stop being so defensive, they might have realized that I agreed with them a lot more than they thought.

If you really believe something so strongly, shouldn't you be confident enough to listen without feeling threatened by another's viewpoint? Some of the most defining shifts in my ideals throughout my lifetime have come from my ability to just sit and listen and then actually admit that I am on the wrong page. It's amazing how much you can grow as a person if you just really listen to what others have to say. Will they always be right? No. But you're missing out on the growth experience in life if you can't be open enough to just listen. It won't "pollute" your morals to hear the other side. In fact, it should make your morals that much stronger.

So, there's my rant for today. People need to be a lot more open-minded because without the ability to grow and learn, we become nothing. We don't move forward, we don't get better, and we waste the little time that we do have to make something of ourselves.

Just something to think about; doesn't mean you have to agree with me. ;)

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Future and Finances

Life is going pretty well. With my new job, comes money and the chance to start saving up for certain things and making goals in my life. I don't think that money is all that matters, but without it there is not a lot we can do in life. It's a crappy reality, but it's true.

So, my goals for the near future and why I am going to be working as much overtime as possible at my new job:

1) Pay my credit card off
2) Buy a new laptop
3) Pay my car off
4) Move out
5) Pay my school loan off

Hopefully, in that order but I know that life isn't that simple so I don't expect it to all go perfectly. Pretty much I want to put as much as I can into savings this summer and I'll probably get a new computer right before school. I've already priced it out and I'm about $400 away right now (which isn't bad at all), but I don't want to empty my savings all at once. So I'm not going to.

I'm not going to lie. It's a great feeling having money that I don't have to pay back. So far, since I quit my last job, I've been living off of a private loan. Even though I've been able to do just fine, it sucked knowing that every cent I borrowed was going to have to be paid off in the future. It was nice to get my first paycheck yesterday and know that all of that money was mine to spend/save however I wanted.

The biggest factor in all of this is whether or not I get to continue my job after this summer. I'm guaranteed a job this summer, but after that it will depend on if they can work with my school schedule. I'm hoping yes especially since I'm already loving what I get to do as well as the people in my department. It would be awesome to get hired for sure after this summer so that I can have a sure thing. I don't want to have to retrain again either.

Anyway, quick update again and probably pretty boring but I've been too busy to be anymore creative.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Quick Update: New Job and Hiking

So big shock, I've been really busy with starting work. This last week has gone pretty decent actually. I've had to work a little bit with my body to get it to cooperate with me, but so far things have been going great and I love my new job. I'm doing a lot of training right now which can get really redundant, but it's by far the best company I've ever worked for and I could see myself working for them for a long time. I'm excited to finally have an opportunity to get somewhere in life and to start saving up so that I can move out again.

So between working and having appointments, errands, and things to get done I've been pretty exhausted. I've had a little bit of down time though to spend with Kyle in the evenings as well as seeing Blake on the weekends. We went on a beautiful hike on Sunday because it was one of the few days that's been really warm. It was so nice to get away and get outdoors where all the crap in life seems to finally disappear. Just helps put things into perspective after going through so much all the time. Anyway, I just wanted to do a quick update.

Here are some pictures from the hike:

Enjoy your week. :)

Friday, May 6, 2011

Frustration with Illness

I'm so sick of being in pain. It's exhausting, it's isolating, and it's just getting plain old. I wonder if it will ever end or if it will end with me? All I wish is that I had an answer to fix it so I could just live a normal life and do everything I want to do and actually even have a bit of a social life. I feel like every day is one long big chore because it's that hard to get through most of the time. I guess I should just be thankful for what I do have and stop bitching about what I don't because I can't change the cards I've been dealt. I've got to stay positive because if I don't, then I don't have anything good coming out of this. I just have to do the best I can because there's not much more that I can do. I just wish that I had someone who could understand it on the same level that I do, someone who actually goes through it.

I feel like everything I've ever wanted out of life has had to be dulled down to compensate for what I'm going through. I feel like I could've done so much more if I wasn't held back by something so permanently debilitating. I probably would've gone farther with my degrees and probably would've tried harder for veterinary school. It just wasn't an option for me when I have to work my ass of just to sit in class everyday because I'm in so much pain.

Anyway, what do I want for the future?

1) I want to get married. I want to be able to be a good wife and a positive companion and to not be stressing/anxious all the damn time.

2) I want kids. Just two. I want to be able to be a good parent and be able to spend time with them without worrying about being sick in front of them. I want to be able to provide for them and give them everything they need.

3) I want to travel. I don't even really care where, I just want to see different parts of the world and have crazy experiences.

4) I want to maintain a successful career so I can bring in the necessary finances required to steps 1-3 and so that I can feel like I am doing something positive/rewarding with my life.

5) I want to have fun. I want to be able to spontaneously take off whenever I want and do pretty much anything my heart desires without anxiety over getting sick. I want to be able to form relationships with people without holding myself back because I don't want to even have to begin to explain why I live my life the way I do.

6) I want to just be happy. I want to be able to appreciate every day of my life and the people in it.

And guess what? I can do 1-6 without being cured. It's just going to be 100x harder, but it's worth it. I don't want to make excuses the rest of my life either. I'm just going to have to take things day by day, stop feeling sorry for myself, and start getting past this. I'm so sick of letting it consume my every day life. I'm so sick of letting pain take over.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Update: Change In Diet.. Again.

Alright, so I finally got sick of being on my extreme diet. I got sick of constantly being exhausted, starving, and irritable and still having my stomach hurt. So, I broke it last night. I'm still going to try to eat as healthy as I can and stay away from alcohol, soda, milk, etc but it's just not worth it anymore. I'm finally starting to realize what a bunch of crap homeopathic medicine is and it sucks, but it's reality check time.

It's been going pretty good so far. I have a lot more energy and was able to actually run farther than I usually do today. However, my stomach is still about the same. I'll figure it out though. I'd rather have energy then not if my stomach is the same either way. Just gotta keep fighting and it's nothing new.

I start my new job on Monday and I can't wait. As nice as it's been to have some time off, I am getting pretty bored and restless. So, it will be nice to have something to do during the day especially since it's a job I am interested in. I'm also trying to read and write a lot more which is going pretty good so far. I've actually been writing offline a lot more just because it's a totally different experience. As soon as Kyle starts work, I'll probably be able to spend my evenings reading while he does homework so that will be nice.

Alright, there's my quick update for now. :)

Monday, May 2, 2011

Good Karma

The good karma just keeps on coming. Finally! Ha ha. So, I'm still dealing with my body but its a daily challenge and I'm just going to keep facing it because there's not a lot I can do to change that.

I got a job, finally, and I'm actually really excited to work for this company. I'll be working at Nelson Labs in an internship position for the summer at least and hopefully after that their goal is to get me into a permanent position. The only thing holding me back, of course, is my class schedule in the fall. Wow, I can't wait to be done with school so that can stop holding me back. Anyway, it's a great company from my first impression so far and it seems like they really take care of their employees so I'm hoping everything works out because I really need a stable career at this point in my life. It's time to start paying off debts and saving up to move out.

My brother's band also won the cinco de X competition through x96. Unfortunately, he won't get to play in it because of training but it's still pretty cool that they won. It took a lot of support because it was pretty much based off of votes, but I'm glad they won and I hope it takes them further.

I just have a lot to be grateful/happy about in life right now. Besides my stupid body, things are going good. Kyle is going to be starting school in two weeks and I'm so excited for him. I know it's going to be hard for him, but I also know that he is capable of doing well. Things are also going pretty well for me and him and I'm happy that I still have an honest, open, and strong relationship.

Plus, it can't stay cold much longer.

So, yes, life is good. :)

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Who I Want to Be

Another one of the tough things in life besides deciding what you want to do in life is deciding who you want to be. I do believe that we are who we are, but that doesn't mean that you can't focus towards improvements or change yourself for the better over time. Here is a list I came up with a long time ago, but I thought I'd share it now:

1) Someone who is focused/driven, but still has the ability to be carefree and let go
2) Someone who doesn't hold on to the past or let it define them
3) Someone who doesn't get stuck in traps of negativity, self-doubt, and a poor outlook on life
4) Someone who is happy and appreciates everything they have been given in life
5) Someone who knows where they stand on issues and is passionate about everything they believe in
6) Someone who is patient, kind, and treats others fairly
7) Someone who enjoys learning, exploring, and understanding the complex aspects of life and accepts that not everything has an answer
8) Someone who no longer gives into the anxiety associated with being in pain everyday
9) Someone who accepts being an introvert/self-sufficient and doesn't take it personally when they go unnoticed
10) Someone who can see the humor in bad situations and faces every challenge with grace
11) Someone who doesn't obsess and worry about the future but instead focuses on the now
12) Someone who takes responsibility for their own actions, but does not take responsibility when unnecessary
13) Someone who can shut down their mind and just be at peace
14) Someone who is passionate, inspiring, and always looking to better themselves
15) Someone who doesn't internalize, but instead faces issues and then lets it go
16) Someone who is secure in themselves and doesn't let other's personal issues bring her down

Those are just a few and a lot of them I am pretty good at. However, there are of course some that still need some work. And I plan on working towards them because I am just that type of person. The first step towards changing yourself though is figuring out what's wrong in the first place.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Moving Forward

Alright, so this is my first attempt at writing in a long time. It was kind of rushed and on the spot, but I didn't think it was too horrible. I hope everyone is having a great week.

Moving Forward
The memories fading and it's all in a haze
That part of my life was just a phase
Thought it was forever, thought it was true
Come to find out that I never knew you

It's crazy to think that I could be so wrong
Especially when I had known you for so long
I'm okay now, I'm finally in a good place
There's nothing left of us, not even a trace

Don't be mistaken, I will always care
I just won't tell you, It's just not fair
It's my way of helping you to let go
The pain of moving on is something I know

Even though it's over, we'll both be okay
We just have to keep taking it day by day
I've let go of the anger, hurt, and fear
I can't believe it's already been a year

I wish you the best with all that you do
It's tough but I know that you'll push through
I hope that at least you'll no longer lie
I'd hate for you to face another goodbye
~Jordan Stocking '11

Monday, April 25, 2011


I'm finally done with school. It feels so good to have a huge load of stress off my plate and to be able to start refocusing my goals at least for the next four months. I'd like to find some steady work, but I would also like to focus on having some fun as well as little things to improve my life and to continue growing as a person. This ranges from everything to cleaning out my room again (lol) to spending a lot of time reading this summer. I'd also like to try writing a little more freely which means it probably won't be posted online.

This weekend was pretty good. Got to get away with my family, Kyle, and Blake and spend some time at the Sand Dunes. The only crappy part was that it was WAY too cold. I was ready for bikini weather and I probably only spent a total of two hours in a swimsuit top. The rest of the time I had layered hoodies on ha ha. It was still nice to get away and spend some quality time with Kyle without having to worry about him going to work or me having to study. Got to meet some pretty fun people as well and overall just had a really good time and I did it sober. It's actually really amazing to me how much my health issues have changed my overall approach on life. I like eating healthy and making healthy choices for myself because in the long run it's going to mean so much more to me.

I'm actually really starting to enjoy the direction my life is going in. It's been a struggle and I've gone through a lot of changes, but I'm here and I'm living the life I want to live. The past is starting to feel like a dream to me and a pretty negative one at that. I just feel like I've grown the most in this past year then I did in my whole teenage years. I used to struggle so much with who I even was as a person and what I wanted out of life, but it's all starting to fall into place and I love it. I'm glad I can be a positive person now and that I finally believe in myself.

Here are some pictures from the trip:

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Challenges are What Build Character

Nick Vujicic: Amazing Motivational Speaker

So, although I'm not really all that religious, this guy is hands down amazing. He was born without arms and legs and goes around speaking at high schools and churches to motivate people. It makes me pretty humbled to watch him speak and to think about all the the complaints I have in my life when he is happy without arms or legs.

Just a little bit of a wake up call to go after the things I want to in life and to stop making excuses about why things don't get done. To realize that just because bad things happen to you in life doesn't mean then you should just run away or give up. This doesn't apply to me as much now, but it would've been nice to know this even a year ago. I think I've always known in my heart that I shouldn't give up because I never really have, but these types of messages would've gotten me going a lot faster. I've had to work through my challenges in life to get to the great point I am at now, but I think this would benefit a lot of people.

Our society is so spoiled. The things that we think are so horrible really could be nothing compared to what others have to go through. Even if something is bad, we always have to choices in life:

1) Face it with grace


2) Hide/Run from it and be angry/sad

I've always tried to gear myself towards facing challenges head on even if sometimes I have my bad days where that doesn't seem possible. Now, I'm just hoping this video gave me the motivation to study for finals because I am so behind from being sick.

I hope everyone has a good weekend. :)

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Honesty in Relationships

“I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies.”~Pietro Aretino

There is nothing more important to me then honesty in a relationship. Maybe I am biased because I've had my fair share of betrayals and deception and I know how damaging that is to the way you view a person and the way you view yourself. To be honest, I don't care how shitty a person is if they can at least be upfront about it. You can be the biggest player, sleep around, do whatever you want but just be upfront about it and if you can't be then maybe you shouldn't be doing what you are in the first place. I have absolutely no respect for people that constantly lie to those around them. I don't get how people like that get to sleep at night or look at themselves in the mirror after they know they have been fooling people that they love all day long.

I used to blame myself for being lied to. I used to think that maybe I was too trusting and naive or that maybe I just wasn't good enough to deserve a truthful relationship. After months of being in a 100% honest relationship I can finally confidently say that those previous notions are complete bullshit. I absolutely deserve to have honesty in my life not only out of my relationship but also from my friends and family. I am finding it more and more difficult to just accept people who are fake. Chances are I will not call you out on it because I honestly don't feel most people are worth it, but you will absolutely lose my respect if I catch you being anything but upfront. I'll probably smile at you and be civil, but deep down I know better and I'll be sure never to put my trust into your hands.

I am so grateful that I didn't walk into another one of "those" relationships. I've had so many games played on me, been cheated on, been lied to, and pretty much every way that someone could betray my trust and so I think that it is rare I found someone who doesn't do any of that. Almost 10 months and I don't have a single event in my mind that has given me any reason to doubt the person I am with. That is AMAZING! Has my current relationship been 100% perfect? I wouldn't say that at all. We had to work through quite a bit to get to where we are now mostly due to my past but I am finally in such a good place in my life. This relationship, however, is the most real relationship I've ever been able to experience and it's by far the best. I think that is astounding that now only do I get the truth, but that the truth itself is so much more then I could have imagined.

I think what it comes down to is that everyone has a slightly different moral code. I think that it's okay to be with someone who has different beliefs, interests, opinions, and preferences then you. However, your basic moral code has to be the same. If it's not, it will never work out. I can't believe how long it took me to finally get that, but it's a lesson I will never ever forget and I would gladly walk away if I ever felt that was the case.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

End of the Semester..

I can't believe how close it is getting for this semester to be over. Holy crap, I am just so excited. This is literally a list of everything I have left to do and then I'll be done:

-Take home test for Industrial Microbiology
-Study for final for Genetics
-Study for final for Biochemistry
-Finish up a few questions on the Tropical Diseases take home test

That is seriously such a small list. Lots of studying mostly, but I was able to accomplish so much this last week that I didn't think I could. I had to give a big presentation in industrial microbiology this morning which most normal people would only be slightly nervous about. However, for someone that has the anxiety and physical illness that I do, it was extremely stressful. I was pretty much awake all night because I couldn't get too bed because of how nervous I was and when I did sleep I had nightmares about starting my presentation and not having any idea of what to say. It was amazing though. Once I started my presentation, my nerves just went away and it went so well. I'm so glad to have it done and to just be able to focus on studying and finishing up this semester.

So, with all that in mind, I am going to get to accomplishing everything I need to. :)

Monday, April 4, 2011

River Bottoms

Oh Utah weather how much I do hate you sometimes.
It's really a drag to have two nice days and then get snow.. in April.

Anyway, I decided to enjoy the weather with Kyle on Friday. We wanted to go hiking but since the canyons still had snow we decided to just go on a walk along the river bottoms. We walked for about 2 hours.. and it's probably the farthest I've ever gotten on that trail. It was a blast to get to spend some stress-free alone time with him and to just enjoy the sun. We got some pretty good pictures too. I love spending time with him; always makes me feel like all the pain I go through on a daily basis is worth it because when I am with him I can just relax and enjoy being with him.

Anyway, this is a quick one because it's finals time and I am swamped.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Future/Quick Update

Last night, Kyle and I went and saw his new nephew, Dallas. God, was that baby cute. :) When I was younger, I really didn't ever see myself having kids.. it just seemed like such a foreign thing to me. However, the last couple years it's something that I haven't been able to stop looking forward too. I know I am young and I am not in a rush to have kids anytime soon, but I can still appreciate how amazing it is when I watch others go through that experience. I also must say that Kyle's family makes extremely cute babies, so that's a plus ha ha ha.

On that note, I have been working on my future lately and trying to decide what I want to do and I am fairly positive that I am going to be taking a break from school. I have been looking at information on law school as well as getting my medical technologist certification and both just don't look really all that appealing right now. I think I have been in school too long and that I need to have a break to start earning money and getting the other aspects of my life on track. As much as a struggle it has been with my body, I need to get a job and start getting independent, moving out, and preparing for a future.

So, that's where I am right now. In the meantime though, the next 3 weeks of school are going to be hell. I can't believe that I seriously have 3 weeks left, but they will be busy. So, I'm going to start working on that. :)