Monday, December 27, 2010

Christmas & Resolutions

So.. Christmas was amazing. :) I was worried it was going to be too different, too unfamiliar, too new. What I found was that it was a lot different than what I was used to, but it was relaxing and fun. It was good seeing my family and I got to spend some down time with Kyle. This doesn't happen to often anymore between him working and me getting ready to go back to school so it was nice to just enjoy time together. I was able to get a lot of stuff to redo my room and I am so happy with it. My room is so peaceful and relaxing now; the only downside is that it is so hard to drag my butt out of bed now. Lol I'm okay with that though.
Kyle was cute and got us matching hoodies and sweats (hence the pictures). I love snuggly things so I was pretty damn happy. My mom got me the biggest, softest blanket I've ever had. Anyway, besides Christmas I of course have some resolutions in mind. I hate the concept because I find that if I call something a New Year's Resolution I usually don't follow through on it. However, I have two that I feel pretty dedicated to. The first is to get to the point where I can run 30 minutes straight at least 3 times a week. I've let my endurance drop quite a bit, so right now It's only about 15-20 minutes. The second is to start changing my diet and hopefully improving how bad my stomach problems have been. I have already started working towards that as well. So although I will call them resolutions, they are goals that I want to do regardless of the time of the year.

I am starting to realize just how much my life has changed. Sometimes it's difficult because I feel a little lost and then I remind myself of everything I've gone through to get here and it's just amazing. Hopefully, next year will continue to get even better. <3

Wednesday, November 24, 2010


So, the dorky picture is unrelated, I just thought it was funny. I love THIS. This feeling of content and happiness that is finally washing over me is amazing. I wish that it could be like this every day and I know that eventually I will get closer to that. I've spent so much of my life looking back and obsessing over stuff I can't control and so moments like this are just so freeing.

I'm thankful for where I'm at in life. I never thought I'd get to that point after everything (such an understatement), but I feel like I'm where I am supposed to be now. I feel like all the moments have led up to this point and I can't wait to see what happens next. I have so many goals and dreams for my future, but mostly.. I am just happy for the now. :)

I'm thankful for my family. They could've kicked mt out when I left Tyler, but they didn't. They have been right by my side even when I couldn't see it and I'm glad. I love them to death.

I'm thankful for Kyle. He's been my bright light through all this darkness and I love how safe I feel with him. I trust him completely (which was really hard for me to accomplish at first) and I have so much fun with him. I can't believe how lucky I am to have him in my life.

I'm thankful for my little stinker, Laila. She is such a pain, but she has gotten so cute and big and I wouldn't want it any other way. I love my puppy. :)

I'm just happy to be.
And I couldn't ask for more.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Enough Already.

Wow. It must suck to know that after everything you've done, that you are still lying. I know for sure about one lie and I am 95% sure about the other one and it just amazes me that you still continue to lie. But it also makes me breathe a sigh of relief. I know I made the right choice; I think I've always known that. I just can't believe you can continue with this fake illusion that you call living. I wish that, for yourself, you would wake up and stop doing that to the people in your life and to for once, just be an honest person. Anyway, it doesn't even matter anymore, I just want you to know that you still suck at it and I wish you would knock it off. I couldn't make you change after 5 1/2 years though, so it probably isn't going to happen.

Wasn't it ever enough? I mean there is only so many times you can get caught and continue to do so. There is only so many times you can watch people who care about you be destroyed by your actions and your inability to grow up and just be honest. You still continue to bullshit me and tell me how you have life so figured out finally and how you are a better person and how you had all these plans for your life. I was genuinely happy for you, but you know what.. it's probably all a lie.

I'm frustrated and I'm angry because every single day I wonder if something else with us was a lie. So many things that I didn't even notice and now I can't get them out of my head because I know that I wasn't worth giving the truth to and that I still am not. And that is why we probably won't ever even be friends... because that's a pretty shitty friendship especially when I know for sure you are still lying. Don't worry, it wasn't even close to that point anyway, but just wow.. I can't believe the web of betrayal that you created and how, even now, you just keep spinning it.

And you know what.. I didn't deserve the way you treated me. I didn't deserve to be in the type of relationship I was in. I did deserve someone who respected me enough to be honest with me and who could build a happy and healthy relationship with me. I deserved to create a good, solid future with someone and to get married and to start a family. But all that was taken away because of one thing and one thing only.

I guess all I can say now is thank you because at least I won't have to wonder for the rest of my life. Now, I know.

Monday, November 15, 2010

School/Life Update

Wow, has time flown. Every year seems to go by quicker and quicker and I'm finally starting to see just how fast life will pass me by if I don't take advantage of it. I've also been busy as hell working on my degree and I am happy to say that I can finally see the end. All I have left this semester is 3 exams, 1 practical, 2 lab reports, and 1 big group project. Next semester is going to be really difficult, but after that I will only have two classes in the fall and then I am done.

Schedule Next Semester:
Industrial Microbiology MWF 8:30-9:20am
Industrial Micro Lab M 1:30-4:20pm
Microbial Genetics MWF 9:30-10:20am
Micro Genetics Lab W 1:30-4:20pm
Biochemistry MWF 10:30-11:20
Biochemistry Lab T 2:30-5:20
Tropical Diseases TR 11:30-1:20

Seem busy? Haha, it will be. I figured I'd rather have one way hard semester and then an easy one, so there it is. I know I can do it though and I know it will be worth it. I'm probably going to take at least a couple years off of school to work full time after I get my Bachelor's degree. Get my loans paid off and work on building up my credit as best as I can. Also work on becoming more independent and finding a house with a nice yard for Laila. I really want to go to Law School and I'm going to aim my life in that direction, but I know that it wont' be easy.

I can't believe I am seriously going to be done. It's taken a bit longer than I would've liked, but I am seriously going to be a graduate and it's an amazing feeling to have hard work actually pay off. I just hope that it will give me the jumpstart I need on my life because the economy has just been depressing so far. I've been trying to find a job for awhile so I can work while I'm in school, but the problem is that most people want full time workers and I just can't do that with my schedule.

I am doing everything I can to improve my life and who I am, but I know I still have such a far way to go. I need to work on being more productive in life and taking better care of my body. I think that as long as I organize myself that I can get myself to the point I want to be in life. So many exciting things are going to be happening and I can't wait to take them on. :)

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Expect to be Surprised

So, I completely suck at updating this blog. For some reason, I just can't write and when I do, it's usually not on here. Maybe making a blog public was a dumb mistake haha because whether I admit it to myself I use it to hold myself back. I guess my biggest change in my life has been this amazing person. <3 I don't know how/why it happened and I didn't even think I deserved it after all I went through, but I'm so glad I met him. I honestly thought it would take so long before I could open my heart up to anyone again, but when I met Kyle I knew that it was something special, something different and I knew that there was no way I could let it pass by because of fear.

I feel like I've lived my whole life in fear: fear of not being good enough, fear of loved ones letting me down, fear of being alone, fear of not being accepted, fear of not being loved, fear of everything falling apart. I guess I've decided I need to let that part of me go because if I don't, I'll keep getting the same result I've had so far.. and so I did. Yeah, I still have my days where I get scared and want to run away, but I definitely choose not to.

I love this person so much and it's scary because I have learned that in life if we love then we risk getting hurt and that most of the time, we do get hurt. I'm not in a rush to get married or have babies like a lot of people seem to be, but I still feel so lucky. My perspective on life and who I am as a person has changed so much and I know that I did it myself, but it certainly helped to have someone cheering me on the whole way and reassuring me that I am worth it. I've never felt so beautiful as I do when I am with him and I've never felt so able and willing to go after my goals. I feel so strong and so loving and it's amazing. I can't believe I met him just four months ago. As hard as it's been for me to move on from Tyler and even though I still miss him, I know that I will make it through and I know that Kyle is definitely supposed to be in my life.

So, if you read this babe, thank you so much. Thank you for being brave enough to deal with all of my baggage and for assisting me every step of the way these last few months. Thank you for coming through every single time I needed someone to be there and for making me feel completely safe when normally I would've been so scared. I love you so much.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Reality Check

So damn naïve, believed in everything you said
Little did I know the lies were in your head
I'd be a fool if I said I didn't feel it too
Deep down in my gut I knew that you weren't true

I guess I thought that loved would make it last
But everything around us was changing too fast
Betrayals took over, you lost all self control
Felt so much pain I had to numb my soul

Everything we were supposed to be
Couldn't set us free
Everything we were supposed to do
Couldn't pull us through

I wish that I could hate you, so I could let go
But our absolute dysfunction is all that I know
I can't believe how much that I still care
When its so clear the truth was never there

I think its kinda funny when you still try to lie
When every ounce of trust I had continues to die
And even though I care and I wish you the best
All I want to do now is put you and me to rest

Everything we were supposed to be
Couldn't set us free
Everything we were supposed to do
Couldn't pull us through
-jordan stocking'10

Tuesday, September 7, 2010


Even though I have to wake up for school in five hours, I feel so absolutely alive. I am blessed. After a bit of a stressful weekend, I realize what a strong support system I have and it just blows me away. My family is always behind me and constantly offering their support, love, and kind words when they see me fall or start to bring myself down. Blake is my constant reminder of a true and loyal friend and he is always there to give me a reality check and to show me when to let go and to not let stuff get to me. That, and he is an amazing inspiration just by being himself.

And then there's Kyle. Fuck, there is so much I could say about this amazing person that wandered into my life two months ago. He is such a strong light in my life and he is constantly taking away my pain just by being around me. My body literally calms down when he is around. Besides that, he has put up with quite a bit already and been put in some pretty awkward situations and he is still able to maintain a positive, happy attitude through it all. I can't believe how in love with him I am, especially after all the pain I went through in my last relationship. I honestly thought I would never trust anyone again, but I trust Kyle 100%. He hasn't given me a reason to question his character one bit and I love that about him. I've never had the type of butterflies that he gives me, it is just insane how much chemistry and attraction that I feel towards him. God, he is just so damn amazing. <3

I just gotta keep on pushing through with my life because i finally feel like I am making the right choices. I can't wait to see what the future brings and I can't wait to share my life with Kyle. God, it is scary how sure I am about him.. but there is no way I am letting go of someone so perfect for me just because I am afraid to hurt again.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Eat. Pray. Love.

So much pretty, Eat Pray Love was a fantastic movie. I found myself relating to it way too much so there were some lessons that were a little too close to home. One that stands out most to me though is I realize that I haven't forgiven myself for leaving Tyler. I constantly feel guilty about the situation he is in now and I always blame myself and think that if I had stayed he would be making better choices and would be a better person. I need to let this part of me go because I know that I did my best and that I even sacrificed a lot of my life to try to make it work with him. I've given both of us a chance to live happier, more functional lives. I wish him the best, but I need to realize that what happens to him now is his choices and his fault, not mine.

I also learned that it's okay for me to miss him and it's okay for me to hurt over him as long as I keep moving on and making good choices for me. Instead of being angry, I am trying to make it a goal to think positively towards him when I do and to just let it go. Sometimes it truly is better to hurt like hell for awhile to avoid having a lifetime of misery and I know that each day is only going to get better as long as I keep stepping forward.

This movie also makes me want to travel so bad. I don't have anywhere specific in mind, but there's a part of me that could take 2 years off just to travel and would have no problem with it. I hope that I can make that a reality one day. :)

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Quick Update

I cannot believe how much has happened in the last few months since I broke up with Tyler. So much about my perspective and what I want out of life has changed. My happiness used to revolve around how well he was doing or if he was lying to me again. All that mattered was that I was being successful at keeping him on track while I barely focused on my own goals and health. It's pretty obvious to me now how stupid that was and what a negative impact that has had on my life.

I feel like I can do whatever I want with my life now. School starts up again on Monday and I know it is going to be a top priority for me to keep my grades as high as possible and to do as well as I can. I am seriously considering law school and I hope that I allow myself to reach that high because I know that I am capable. I want to get my own place and get out on my own, independently, because I know that I can do it. I know that just me is good enough in my life and as much as I may care about Kyle, I know that I have to keep this type of mindset. I've had a lot of set backs and heart ache in the last year and a half and I am hoping that my luck might turn around a little bit. I am hoping that I can allow myself to let go with him and to know that it's okay if I am happy. I have a hard time allowing myself to feel that way for some reason and it needs to stop.

Now I just need to get a job. Because not one single thing that I want to do with my life is going to be cheap.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Something More - Secondhand Serenade

I lie awake again, my bodies feeling paralyzed
I can’t remember when
I didn’t live through this disguise
The words you said to me
They couldn’t set me free

I'm stuck here in this life i didn’t ask for
There must be something more,
Do we know what we’re fighting for?

Breathe in breathe out

And all these masks we wore
We never knew what we had in store

Breathe in breathe out

The storm is rolling in
The thunders loud it hurts my ears

I'm paying for my sins
And its gonna rain for years and years

I fooled everyone and now what will i become?
I have to start this over
I have to start this over

There must be something more,
Do we know what we’re fighting for?

Breathe in breathe out

And all these masks we wore
We never knew what we had in store

Breathe in breathe out

I fooled everyone and now what will i become?
I have to start this over
I have to start this over

There must be something more,
Do we know what we’re fighting for?

Breathe in breathe out

And all these masks we wore
We never knew what we had in store

Breathe in breathe out
There must be something more
Breathe in breathe out
There must be something more

I can't take getting dragged down into the negativity anymore. I can't take having to face the same exact issues over and over. I left for a reason and I want to move on. So let me. I don't need everyone else in my life adding their two cents in about what I am dealing with or trying to tell me that I am being lied to again. I know that is a distinct possibility and I don't need to be told how stupid I am.

I finally feel like I have found something more in my life.. something so much more than what I had before. There is no lying, no fighting, no negativity. Just constant love, patience, understanding, chemistry, and connection. I just really hope I don't screw it up because of my past, I really do.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Letting go, finally.

Harsh realization time. It's tough finally seeing that the past 5 1/2 years were never what I thought they were. I hate saying that because sometimes I am a lot less angry pretending that things were what I thought, but it would be untrue. Looking back now, I realize that I never ONCE had an honest relationship. Not once. I can't remember a period of time where I wasn't questioning the person I was with or feeling doubt in my gut. But besides the clear and obvious lying issue, the person I thought he was ended up being wrong too. Obviously he is not someone who has a lot of integrity or follows through on what he says. Every action he has done since the break up has only proven to me what his real character entails and what he values or obviously no longer values in life.

It really sucks because I know that a part of me will always care, but I am now seeing that it's not good for me to place the burden of his choices onto my shoulders. I feel really manipulated like a lot of this has been done in spite of me or to get at me. It doesn't matter anymore though because I am done. I am done with taking responsibility for actions that are nowhere near my control. I can finally say that it's not up to me to make sure that all of his shit gets taken care of or that he makes good choices for his life. I'm surprised I was able to do it for as long as I did.

I am ready to take a step forward and start living my life for me and to let go of the negativity that I once thought was love. I thought that as long as I loved someone that nothing else mattered. I was wrong though, a lot of things matter and I won't ever do that to myself again. And as much as it may suck to have gone through what I have, I am so glad that I learned this lesson young.. when I was too young to get married or to bring kids into this fucked up mess. I am glad that all I lost was time and a little bit of sanity.

Here's to getting all of that back. <3

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Falling, falling, faster everyday.

It is absolutely amazing how much I am discovering about myself and who I am inside and out. I had a very negative experience 3 nights ago and without getting into too many details, it has made me step back and try to find so much strength within myself. I am starting to realize the intensity of who I really am and the simple choices that can change that every day. I used to think I was strong because I was really good at controlling my emotions, but now I am starting to see that strength sometimes means facing your emotions and fears.

Ever since I met Kyle, my life has been turned upside down and I am loving every minute of it. There hasn't been a day I haven't seen him, until now. He is going to be gone for the next 8 days and as much as I will miss him, it is only going to validate what a strong connection I have with him and it doesn't worry me in the slightest. I know that even if he isn't here, I still have his support and his strength to get me through what I am facing.

I am absolutely head over heels and am just shocked at the connection I have had with him from the beginning. I never saw my life going in such an amazing direction so fast after all the pain that I went through but I am absolutely happy that I took a chance. It is so nice to be in a relationship where I can fully trust who I am with and where I don't have to worry about if they are taking care of their responsibilities. The chemistry (physically, emotionally, & spirituality) that I have with him constantly blows my mind. He is just absolutely amazing. <3

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Appreciating Life

My life has been a whirlwind the last few weeks. I can't believe how fast summer is starting to leave and I know that when I blink again I am going to be back in school. So, here's to a staring contest. Honestly, though, these last few weeks have really opened my eyes. I've done a lot more than I ever saw myself doing and have come out of my shell quite a bit compared to where I was at when I first broke up with Tyler. I was happy just to be surviving and then, of course, life threw me another curve ball.

I am really starting to enjoy the spontaneity of life and the fact that no matter how shitty it gets, it always seems to find a way to amaze me. I don't think I could ever let myself get to the point that I was at again because I finally understand what it means when someone would tell me that you never know how great your life can be unless you see it through. I am glad to have held my head up and to have kept moving even when it seemed useless and I've made it a goal of mine to embrace the challenges from now on.

As much as it hurt, I am glad my heart was broken. I am glad I felt the pain that I did and saw just how bad life could be. I appreciate everything that I have now so much more and I am finally seeing life in a deeper way instead of revolving it around a person that couldn't even be honest. I feel so much positivity in my life and I am only going to keep taking steps to make it better and better. Because I know that no matter what happens or how bad things get that life will continue to surprise me. I know that the way I feel now is worth waiting for and worth every bit of struggle that it took to get here.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


I have always found it interesting to hear others opinions on the concept of love. I say concept not because I am cynical, but because I feel there isn't an exactly an agreement on what it means or entails. I was pretty sure I knew what love was, but without trust was love even possible? I am pretty sure that most people can agree that they unconditionally love their family and even that they love their friends, but actual couple's love can seem so diverse to me. Some people fall fast, some take their time, but we eventually all get to feel the extremely vulnerable state of being in love. Once you hit that stage, you might as well go all out because either way someone is going to get hurt.

I have also never believed in love at first sight. Sure, you can have an amazing connection with someone and you can lust, but I believe you have to know someone and all their flaws in order to truly love them. It's not about needing someone in your life, it's about wanting someone in your life and making it happen. Love is not about finding a checklist of qualities in a person; instead it is much deeper. It is sharing a connection, knowing someone inside and out, and being able to trust in someone. It is about sticking it out when things get rough because you have enough belief that it will be worth it anyway.

Even though I thought I had this type of love before, I don't know if I ever did. I never truly knew the person that I was with for so long and I was constantly waiting to find out more lies or more things that were hidden from me. I know that I loved him despite all the constant pain but it wasn't true love. It couldn't have been because there was no truth involved to begin with.

What is love to you?

Thursday, July 15, 2010


New hair. <3 Two hours later and this is what I got. I actually am pretty damn happy with it. I always get so bored with the way I look, so I am sure this will be a consistent change for me.

Pretty much, if I think about it, my life revolves around change. At least as far back as i can remember, something in my life has been changing. My family, boys, moving to the dorms, moving to an apartment, leaving tyler, switching schools, switching majors (3x), changing my appearance (countless times), changing friends, gaining friends, getting laila, experiencing sickness, fighting my way back to health, etc. I've always been told that I need to find some consistency in my life, but to be honest I find consistency the scariest concept of all. When you are willing to keep your life the same, you close off your ability to learn and grow and I am nowhere near the point.

I feel like I know a lot about life at 20 years old because of what I have gone through. And even though a majority of what I have experienced is completely my fault, I still don't regret it. I am who I am because I have survived. As far as recent lessons go, I finally feel like I am not holding myself back because of my past. I used to be so angry and constantly searched for people to blame my problems on. I would be angry because someone didn't care enough or someone didn't step up when I needed them. Eventually, everyone would leave (don't blame them) lol and then I was angry because I felt like all my doubts were confirmed. I've learned to separate myself from people and from life in general, but for once I am looking at my future and I am not afraid to hold my head up high. I am doing the only thing that I can possibly do at this point and that is to control my actions and my attitude. Everything else is just going to get chaotic and to be honest, I can't wait. <3

Pointless Rambling

Starting over. Again. I have pretty much been keeping some type of journal since I was eight years old. I would like to make this a positive experience as well as a useful tool when navigating through the chaos that I like to call my life. As much as I would like to guarantee that this will be upbeat, I know that would be a false promise and a useless one at that. Part of the consequences of thinking all the time (like I do) involves facing all types of answers in my life whether they are good or bad. However, I am okay with that.

I am not going to introduce myself or give you little facts about who I am. I figure if you have made it this far, you at least know me somewhat. If not, I guess you can take whatever you want from this blog. Either way, I am not ready to face defining exactly who I am. It would be far too complicated at this point in my life. All I know is that the one thing I have always been able to turn to and express myself with is my writing. Nothing else is there for me regardless and I have always remembered that. So, hopefully, I'll keep giving it a chance and try to find the passion behind it that I used to have.

So, for now, I will start this off shallow. Tomorrow, I am getting my hair redone. Haha, I know.. this is an important topic for everyone to follow. Here is what I am thinking about getting done as far as color goes:

And with that shallow note, I am going to go attempt to fight my insomnia. Maybe I will make this more interesting later.