Monday, September 26, 2011

Still Trucking Along...

I am constantly changing. Who I am today, yesterday, and tomorrow is all different. I think I have it figured out and I am constantly proving myself wrong. It's amazing how something as simple as who I am is a question, but it is and that's not necessarily frightening to me. I like that I am open to change. It means that my life will always get better instead of stand in one miserable place. I have had to do a lot of work lately: facing my issues and facing my feelings. Ever since I was 13, I've taught myself to internalize. I actually prided myself in how good I was at hiding my emotions and keeping my cool no matter how hard things got. I've had to let that go the last few weeks. I've had to feel, to react, and to let go and I know that sounds easy but it's been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I have started seeing a new doctor that works with releasing emotions and it is making a difference for me. It's a constant battle, I hate doing it, and it's uncomfortable as hell. It's right though and It's what I need to be doing. I'm just hoping that THIS is my answer because I am so ready to be pain free and happy. There are so many things I want to do with my life that I feel are taken from me because of my body. It's time to move forward.

Kyle and I are doing really well. Our relationship is getting stronger on a daily basis and I am so very lucky to have someone like him by my side. We're still waiting to hear back on our offers on the house, but we did expect this to be a slow process. In fact, we hope it does take a while because it gives us more time to build up money so that we have less stress when it does happen. Last weekend we went up to Park City because I wanted Kyle to ride the Alpine Slide since he never has. We both got to ride the Alpine Coaster for the first time as well which was actually really fun. I loved getting some down time with him especially in such a pretty area.

I love life. I love who I am and who I am changing and becoming on a daily basis. I know that I can do and be better though. I am pretty sure that as soon as my bachelor's degree is finished this december I will start making some serious efforts to improve myself. I'm not sure what exactly that entails but it's something I will always work on.

Saturday, September 10, 2011


So, Kyle is gone for the weekend. It's pretty pathetic, but I can't stand being away from him.. it just doesn't feel right. Ever since we've started dating we've been together pretty much nonstop. It took me forever to fall asleep last night just because it felt so off not having him here. I know that this is cheesy but I can't help but appreciate how truly wonderful Kyle is. When I met him a year ago, I knew that we had a great connection. We connected on so many levels (spiritually, mentally, and physically) and got to know each other and learn about each other really fast. Kyle has already proven to me just how much he cares about me because he has stuck by me through a lot. I honestly feel like I am a completely different person compared to last year and a huge part of that is because he encouraged me to be happy with who I am and to appreciate the little things. So funny how one person can make such a huge impact on your life and I wasn't even looking.

I can confidently say that I want to spend my life with him. I know that things change and that people change too, but every change we have made has only made our relationship stronger so far. We have such a strong base that I really don't see the little things tearing us apart. I know that I will always be willing to work through whatever comes our way because I truly love and adore the person that I am with. He is just so honest and upfront about everything. What you see is what you get with Kyle and I find that type of vulnerability extremely endearing. I never have to guess with him or question anything he says because I know that he will not betray me or lie to me. He is so patient, kind, goofy, and such a hard worker. He is truly one of my best friends and someone that I can always talk to no matter what we talk about.

He is the motivation that keeps me going through school and working long hours because all I want to do is have a good future with him and to be able to support a family with him. He is so unlike anyone I have ever met and he surprises me on a daily basis with how well he takes care of me and supports me.

I love the direction my life is going. It is difficult right now because I am doing so much and still dealing with health problems. But I love what I see in front of me and what we are working towards. I love that we will both have our educations and be able to support a family without having financial stress all the time. I love that he is the one I will wake up with every morning and the one that I will see before I fall asleep every night.

I miss him and I can't wait to see him when he gets back.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Labor Day Weekend

So, Kyle and I had a great but lazy weekend. Friday night we both pretty much crashed with has now become a common occurrence due to our crazy school and work weeks. Saturday we both woke up early and took Laila on a walk. We've both been enjoying the cooler weather lately, so that was a good way to start the day. Plus, I found out that Laila is smart enough to walk right next to us off of her leash. Greatest discovery ever. We spent the morning/afternoon running errands and getting some stuff done and Saturday night we went to the drive-in movies. I went to buy beer beforehand and was stupid enough to let Kyle go into the liquor store with me. Ha ha, I didn't even think about it considering he doesn't drink and I look way younger then him, but we got denied. So, I had to go way out of my way to get my beer which was pretty annoying. I hate the laws in this state. Everyone that drinks underage can get away with it so easy and the laws that Utah puts in place does nothing to stop it. If Kyle really wanted alcohol, I could go in and buy it and then bring it out to him and they wouldn't say a damn word.

Sunday was once again pretty lazy because we are both beyond wiped out. I had a really good and long talk with Kyle and we spent some time sleeping outside which was nice. We go into a conversation about spirituality which was actually really something we haven't done since last year after I had my experience. We are both not very religious, so it can be a bit overwhelming to think about life after death and what (if there is anything) is out there. We both have experienced death a lot in the last year as well, so it's been more of a prominent issue. It was good to reason through our beliefs and to still be able to come out in a positive light even if we don't agree with what society does necessarily. Doesn't mean that we don't have spirituality in our lives and that's all that matters to me.

Today, we went up to snowbird to Oktoberfest. It was really nice to go up the canyon and be in the nice cool weather. We got to ride up the tram, hike around a bit, and then ride the chairlift down. We both wanted to go on the alpine slide but we also realized that Kyle's arm probably needs some healing time. Kyle bought me a bellybutton ring (kind of without asking me lol) and I bought a feather necklace. We sat and ate and enjoyed some of the german music for awhile and then we came home and have been wiped out again pretty much the rest of the day.

Only 14 weeks left of school and work and then I will finally be able to get my energy back. Kyle and I also found another house in Riverton that we might look at putting an offer in on. It's a little more expensive, but the location and quality might make up for it.