Scared.

I haven't had a lot of time to post, obviously. My daily routine consists of waking up way too early, working between 8-10 hours, coming home and crashing or spending time with kyle. Sleep. Repeat. It's not necessarily a bad routine and it's nice to be earning money because I definitely feel overwhelmed by all the debt I need to start paying down. I'll do it though because I don't have a choice and because I can't wait to start getting things paid off.

I hate the stage that i'm at in life though. I hate being in transition, not knowing how things will work out, not knowing what my life will look like in 5 years. Regardless of what I want, I can only control so much of it and the rest is going to happen how it's supposed to. I thought my 20's would be so different, but I'm starting to see that they are even more scary then when I was in high school. At least in high school I had a short range of sight on the future where all I had to do was get into college or graduate and life was great. Already, I am almost done with college and then what? Do I just work the rest of my life? Will I be able to have a family with my physical issues? Will things even work out with the person I'm with when my past has shown me how fragile relationships are and how easy they can fall apart?

I am not a patient person when it comes to the future. I see all these people (especially in Utah) getting married and already having kids and I have mixed emotions about it. Part of me is wishing I could be going through the same things and another part of me is glad that I'm not because frankly, I don't feel ready for any of that. I feel so young still. I have so many things I want to accomplish and I just don't know how I'm going to get there. I don't know what I want out of life half the time and I think that's fairly normal. I think that I'm supposed to figuring all that out right now. I just wish that I could hurry up so that I could be at peace with life, but I have a feeling that there will always be something to worry about.

So, that's been my mind set for the last week. Normal? yes. Stressful and scary? even more so. Hopefully, I start to gain some more clarity in the next little while.