Trust. I'm not quite sure what this word means to me anymore or how many people qualify to meet my standards of trust. I trust my family (mostly) and I trust a very few close friends, but besides that I feel like I constantly have to analyze the intentions of others. Here's the thing: when I was younger I trusted whatever people told me. It's not that I couldn't spot a clear lie and I did, but if people appeared to have good intentions then who I was I to even question it. This trickled over into my dating years and I was extremely quick to find out that most people, in fact, were not forthcoming with me. I learned fast and I only needed to learn each lesson once, but it was a quick handful that hit home very hard. My self-esteem was pretty much shattered when I met Tyler, but he became someone I could rely on to be there for me fast. I pretty much grew up with him and every challenge we faced together. However (and isn't there always a downside?) I started to realize over time that there was a huge issue of honesty in my relationship. They weren't necessarily big lies at first and it wasn't that he was unfaithful (that i'm aware of), but all these little lies started to add up to major trust issues.
I was naive and thought that through time we could just get over them and that I could learn to trust him again. I don't know if that is true because I never even had the chance to see if I could learn to trust him again. The lies never ended and to this day they still continue. To this day, the person he pretends to be with me (which is very rarely now, we barely even speak) is different then the person he acts like behind my back and it kills me that it never changed. But mostly, I am just done. Not done because I am too tired to stick up for myself, but finally just done pretending i'm okay with being treated like an idiot when I'm not. Tired of being fed bullshit for what purpose now? Besides to solidify what I already know and believe?
So, now I have been left with the personal responsibility to rebuild my faith in people and my faith in the ability to make a romantic relationship work. This is so much more difficult then it sounds when for 5 consistent years you are shown that trust is not real. However, I have come a long way in a year and with the help of numerous people in my life. When the break up happened, I was amazed of the support that I found through many outlets. I was able to go out, have fun, and eventually stumbled upon a new relationship. It hit fast, it hit hard, but it was a challenge sent to me and I knew that I was ready to take it on. I had struggled for so long and I didn't see any point in holding back in life any longer. I was still fairly cautious though because I didn't want to repeat any past mistakes.
I'm grateful to stay that I haven't repeated anything. My relationship now is a completely different experience in so many ways. For one, Kyle has never lied to me once. Not once. After a whole year, I have had complete honesty even when honesty has been stressful news to hear. I have never had to question the status of our relationship or worry about anything but my own personal feelings regarding a future with Kyle. It's been hard to start a new relationship while letting go of an old one and it's been a constant battle, but I'm finally seeing that I'm where I am for a reason. I do trust Kyle fully and know that he will tell me the truth even if it's not what I want to hear. And that's more then I can say compared to what I had over a year ago.
I know that the longer I continue to have a successful relationship, the more my faith in people will grow and the easier it will be for me to trust others. I will probably remain cautious with new people, but the people that are worth it will be able to cross those boundaries and I will open up until proven otherwise. I've already had to learn a hard lesson once; I don't need to purposely punish myself for the past over and over.
Anyway, I know. Kind of out of nowhere, but finding the motivation to write lately has been difficult. As always, hoping everyone is doing well and enjoying their week.
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