Thursday, October 27, 2011

Moving on from all the negativity

It's really hard for me to feel positive feelings towards you and to be okay with all that you put me through when I find out that you are messing with my family. If I could, I would scream at you all over again. What the hell is wrong with you? You couldn't be anymore of a toxic person and when I find out what you have been doing I just fall deeper and deeper into not giving a crap about you. I guess I should be happy that you make it easy for me to realize I made the right choice letting you go. Now I know who I was with all along and I know I will never make that mistake again. Don't guilt trip me about not being your friend or for moving on too fast when you made it way too easy. Thank you, thank you, thank you for showing me your true colors in time for me to get the hell out. I couldn't be with a better person then I am now and I actually have a shot at a real future where I am not stressed out 24/7.

So I know I haven't been that great at updating. Sometimes it takes anger/pain to spark me into writing again. I've also been so busy with 15 hour days of work and school combined so when I have free time I'm usually passing out with Kyle. I hate being so busy when all I want to do is to do things that make me happy. I'd like to spend more time with Kyle's family because it's so rare to find people that are that genuine and amazing. I just gotta keep reminding myself that I will be done with school on December 7th (as long as I pass everything) and that after that life will be significantly easier. Hopefully by then, Kyle and I will be in our new house and finally be able to start building a future together. As stupid as it sounds, I can't wait to go pick out stupid things like bowls and cups together. I can't wait to go and pick out how we are going to decorate or to go grocery shopping with him and to argue over what kind of cereal to buy. Although I doubt we will because we seem to be pretty compatible about most things. I can't wait to put our yard in so that I can make a little garden and attempt to not kill plants lol. I just want my life to be more simple and care-free so that I can actually enjoy it.

I gave up on doctors for now. For a few reasons. The first: I'm not getting the results that I want. Although I think my last doctor had a great point, I know that I can't handle the type of work that he wants me to do right now. I don't want to relive negative things in my past. I finally got to the point where I don't make myself relive painful things constantly, so why would I work hard to get back there. I want to be happy and focus on what's happening now because my life is pretty good in the present. Second: it is extremely expensive to go to alternative doctors that don't take insurance. I'm trying to pay off my debt as much as possible and save up to buy stuff for a house. I don't have the money to throw $260 at a doctor that may or may not work. So, I'm just taking care of me the best I can because it is my responsibility alone to do so. Kyle is a huge help and I don't ever forget that, but i know that it's up to me to get through all of the issues i am experiencing. I just wish that I could trade in my type of pain for something more socially acceptable. Something that isn't so isolating because it would make life easier. I would take extreme pain anywhere else if it meant I could interact with people without having anxiety that I'll get sick.

So, that's what is going on right now. This weekend should be nice because I won't have to study as much so hopefully we'll do some fun halloween things and spend some time with his family.

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