Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Invisible and Awkward

I sit back sometimes and wonder if my life has any significance to the world around me. I get that I have an impact on my immediate family and I'm not saying that I don't appreciate what I have in my life, but I've always had this sinking feeling that I could disappear and people wouldn't really notice. Maybe the most difficult part is that I have a very vivid memory so I remember everyone that I knew or even just saw in my surroundings throughout my life. I didn't have to be close to someone to take a closer look and to be aware of their existence. There are people that I remember from middle school and I have no idea why that is so easy for me. There are people that I have known and two years later they haven't recognized me if I wave at them (which by the way is devastatingly awkward).

Part of my struggle is that I never really fit into the "accepted crowd" due to religious differences and to the fact that I was pretty much an introvert once I hit puberty. So, I didn't automatically get a huge group of friends because I was in that awkward phase of either being too immoral for the religious kids or being too moral for the kids that were extreme.  I've always struggled to relate to people my age and always felt like I was coming from a different planet.  And of course, I had my 'angst' stage where I was too focused on being as depressed as possible that I just didn't care. Either way, I had a very small group of friends and that was about it and it was always shifting.

It gets lonely thinking about it sometimes. Thinking about the choices I have made in my life and how it has led me here. Thinking about how unfortunately I stand up for my beliefs and that is enough to outcast me from some people's social circle. Thinking about my expectations for friends and how I have always had a low tolerance for shallow bullshit. Even the people that I interact with now.. sometimes it feels like I'm just going through the motions. I'm saying what I need to say and doing what I need to do but rarely do I get those fulfilling mind-blowing connections with people that I used to. People are friendly, sure, but it just doesn't feel real. Even with Kyle, I have to force myself to stay open, vulnerable, and honest with him. Not because I don't trust or love him, but because I am so damn good at saving face.

I understand that most people are too busy with their own lives to really think about others. I understand that on some degree we are all self-centered. However, to take the effort to really cut me out of your
life /ignore me... I don't understand. I feel like I am pretty careful to not be offensive and I generally accept others even if they have opposite beliefs of me. So, when that happens, it just feels personal. And then I have to wonder what is it that I am doing wrong. Which led to this tailspin of anxiety and thoughts. Even this blog... is like talking to a wall. I know that nobody reads it.. which I think is why it's becoming way easier to write in it. Even though it's public, even though I want so bad just to be real with the people around me, it doesn't really matter. True connections.. they don't really matter anymore... and that's really a damn shame.

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