Harsh realization time. It's tough finally seeing that the past 5 1/2 years were never what I thought they were. I hate saying that because sometimes I am a lot less angry pretending that things were what I thought, but it would be untrue. Looking back now, I realize that I never ONCE had an honest relationship. Not once. I can't remember a period of time where I wasn't questioning the person I was with or feeling doubt in my gut. But besides the clear and obvious lying issue, the person I thought he was ended up being wrong too. Obviously he is not someone who has a lot of integrity or follows through on what he says. Every action he has done since the break up has only proven to me what his real character entails and what he values or obviously no longer values in life.
It really sucks because I know that a part of me will always care, but I am now seeing that it's not good for me to place the burden of his choices onto my shoulders. I feel really manipulated like a lot of this has been done in spite of me or to get at me. It doesn't matter anymore though because I am done. I am done with taking responsibility for actions that are nowhere near my control. I can finally say that it's not up to me to make sure that all of his shit gets taken care of or that he makes good choices for his life. I'm surprised I was able to do it for as long as I did.
I am ready to take a step forward and start living my life for me and to let go of the negativity that I once thought was love. I thought that as long as I loved someone that nothing else mattered. I was wrong though, a lot of things matter and I won't ever do that to myself again. And as much as it may suck to have gone through what I have, I am so glad that I learned this lesson young.. when I was too young to get married or to bring kids into this fucked up mess. I am glad that all I lost was time and a little bit of sanity.
Here's to getting all of that back. <3