Eat. Pray. Love.

So much pretty, Eat Pray Love was a fantastic movie. I found myself relating to it way too much so there were some lessons that were a little too close to home. One that stands out most to me though is I realize that I haven't forgiven myself for leaving Tyler. I constantly feel guilty about the situation he is in now and I always blame myself and think that if I had stayed he would be making better choices and would be a better person. I need to let this part of me go because I know that I did my best and that I even sacrificed a lot of my life to try to make it work with him. I've given both of us a chance to live happier, more functional lives. I wish him the best, but I need to realize that what happens to him now is his choices and his fault, not mine.

I also learned that it's okay for me to miss him and it's okay for me to hurt over him as long as I keep moving on and making good choices for me. Instead of being angry, I am trying to make it a goal to think positively towards him when I do and to just let it go. Sometimes it truly is better to hurt like hell for awhile to avoid having a lifetime of misery and I know that each day is only going to get better as long as I keep stepping forward.

This movie also makes me want to travel so bad. I don't have anywhere specific in mind, but there's a part of me that could take 2 years off just to travel and would have no problem with it. I hope that I can make that a reality one day. :)

Quick Update

I cannot believe how much has happened in the last few months since I broke up with Tyler. So much about my perspective and what I want out of life has changed. My happiness used to revolve around how well he was doing or if he was lying to me again. All that mattered was that I was being successful at keeping him on track while I barely focused on my own goals and health. It's pretty obvious to me now how stupid that was and what a negative impact that has had on my life.

I feel like I can do whatever I want with my life now. School starts up again on Monday and I know it is going to be a top priority for me to keep my grades as high as possible and to do as well as I can. I am seriously considering law school and I hope that I allow myself to reach that high because I know that I am capable. I want to get my own place and get out on my own, independently, because I know that I can do it. I know that just me is good enough in my life and as much as I may care about Kyle, I know that I have to keep this type of mindset. I've had a lot of set backs and heart ache in the last year and a half and I am hoping that my luck might turn around a little bit. I am hoping that I can allow myself to let go with him and to know that it's okay if I am happy. I have a hard time allowing myself to feel that way for some reason and it needs to stop.

Now I just need to get a job. Because not one single thing that I want to do with my life is going to be cheap.

Something More - Secondhand Serenade

I lie awake again, my bodies feeling paralyzed
I can’t remember when
I didn’t live through this disguise
The words you said to me
They couldn’t set me free

I'm stuck here in this life i didn’t ask for
There must be something more,
Do we know what we’re fighting for?

Breathe in breathe out

And all these masks we wore
We never knew what we had in store

Breathe in breathe out

The storm is rolling in
The thunders loud it hurts my ears

I'm paying for my sins
And its gonna rain for years and years

I fooled everyone and now what will i become?
I have to start this over
I have to start this over

There must be something more,
Do we know what we’re fighting for?

Breathe in breathe out

And all these masks we wore
We never knew what we had in store

Breathe in breathe out

I fooled everyone and now what will i become?
I have to start this over
I have to start this over

There must be something more,
Do we know what we’re fighting for?

Breathe in breathe out

And all these masks we wore
We never knew what we had in store

Breathe in breathe out
There must be something more
Breathe in breathe out
There must be something more

--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x
I can't take getting dragged down into the negativity anymore. I can't take having to face the same exact issues over and over. I left for a reason and I want to move on. So let me. I don't need everyone else in my life adding their two cents in about what I am dealing with or trying to tell me that I am being lied to again. I know that is a distinct possibility and I don't need to be told how stupid I am.

I finally feel like I have found something more in my life.. something so much more than what I had before. There is no lying, no fighting, no negativity. Just constant love, patience, understanding, chemistry, and connection. I just really hope I don't screw it up because of my past, I really do.

Letting go, finally.

Harsh realization time. It's tough finally seeing that the past 5 1/2 years were never what I thought they were. I hate saying that because sometimes I am a lot less angry pretending that things were what I thought, but it would be untrue. Looking back now, I realize that I never ONCE had an honest relationship. Not once. I can't remember a period of time where I wasn't questioning the person I was with or feeling doubt in my gut. But besides the clear and obvious lying issue, the person I thought he was ended up being wrong too. Obviously he is not someone who has a lot of integrity or follows through on what he says. Every action he has done since the break up has only proven to me what his real character entails and what he values or obviously no longer values in life.

It really sucks because I know that a part of me will always care, but I am now seeing that it's not good for me to place the burden of his choices onto my shoulders. I feel really manipulated like a lot of this has been done in spite of me or to get at me. It doesn't matter anymore though because I am done. I am done with taking responsibility for actions that are nowhere near my control. I can finally say that it's not up to me to make sure that all of his shit gets taken care of or that he makes good choices for his life. I'm surprised I was able to do it for as long as I did.

I am ready to take a step forward and start living my life for me and to let go of the negativity that I once thought was love. I thought that as long as I loved someone that nothing else mattered. I was wrong though, a lot of things matter and I won't ever do that to myself again. And as much as it may suck to have gone through what I have, I am so glad that I learned this lesson young.. when I was too young to get married or to bring kids into this fucked up mess. I am glad that all I lost was time and a little bit of sanity.

Here's to getting all of that back. <3

Falling, falling, faster everyday.

It is absolutely amazing how much I am discovering about myself and who I am inside and out. I had a very negative experience 3 nights ago and without getting into too many details, it has made me step back and try to find so much strength within myself. I am starting to realize the intensity of who I really am and the simple choices that can change that every day. I used to think I was strong because I was really good at controlling my emotions, but now I am starting to see that strength sometimes means facing your emotions and fears.

Ever since I met Kyle, my life has been turned upside down and I am loving every minute of it. There hasn't been a day I haven't seen him, until now. He is going to be gone for the next 8 days and as much as I will miss him, it is only going to validate what a strong connection I have with him and it doesn't worry me in the slightest. I know that even if he isn't here, I still have his support and his strength to get me through what I am facing.

I am absolutely head over heels and am just shocked at the connection I have had with him from the beginning. I never saw my life going in such an amazing direction so fast after all the pain that I went through but I am absolutely happy that I took a chance. It is so nice to be in a relationship where I can fully trust who I am with and where I don't have to worry about if they are taking care of their responsibilities. The chemistry (physically, emotionally, & spirituality) that I have with him constantly blows my mind. He is just absolutely amazing. <3