Sunday, November 7, 2010
Expect to be Surprised
So, I completely suck at updating this blog. For some reason, I just can't write and when I do, it's usually not on here. Maybe making a blog public was a dumb mistake haha because whether I admit it to myself I use it to hold myself back. I guess my biggest change in my life has been this amazing person. <3 I don't know how/why it happened and I didn't even think I deserved it after all I went through, but I'm so glad I met him. I honestly thought it would take so long before I could open my heart up to anyone again, but when I met Kyle I knew that it was something special, something different and I knew that there was no way I could let it pass by because of fear.
I feel like I've lived my whole life in fear: fear of not being good enough, fear of loved ones letting me down, fear of being alone, fear of not being accepted, fear of not being loved, fear of everything falling apart. I guess I've decided I need to let that part of me go because if I don't, I'll keep getting the same result I've had so far.. and so I did. Yeah, I still have my days where I get scared and want to run away, but I definitely choose not to.
I love this person so much and it's scary because I have learned that in life if we love then we risk getting hurt and that most of the time, we do get hurt. I'm not in a rush to get married or have babies like a lot of people seem to be, but I still feel so lucky. My perspective on life and who I am as a person has changed so much and I know that I did it myself, but it certainly helped to have someone cheering me on the whole way and reassuring me that I am worth it. I've never felt so beautiful as I do when I am with him and I've never felt so able and willing to go after my goals. I feel so strong and so loving and it's amazing. I can't believe I met him just four months ago. As hard as it's been for me to move on from Tyler and even though I still miss him, I know that I will make it through and I know that Kyle is definitely supposed to be in my life.
So, if you read this babe, thank you so much. Thank you for being brave enough to deal with all of my baggage and for assisting me every step of the way these last few months. Thank you for coming through every single time I needed someone to be there and for making me feel completely safe when normally I would've been so scared. I love you so much.