Monday, August 1, 2011

What I wish I knew then.

We have so much control over everything in life and it's crazy how much we fail to realize it. So often we make excuses for why our lives our shitty, why life is hard, why we can't do things, etc.

I don't know why my body was given the illness that I have, but I have learned some life lessons and some things about myself that have really helped me through some tough things.

First, I have learned that I can withstand way more physical pain then I ever thought possible. This is something I learned pretty young, but it has been interesting to see how many boundaries I have overpassed without wanting to. I know that everything we get through makes us stronger, so I can consider this a good thing.

Second, I have learned that my mind has a tremendous amount of power and control over how I feel about my life. I've also learned that I have the power to control and change it when I want and that I don't have to let fear and anxiety rule my life. This one has been extremely tough to overcome, but I think I am finally starting to get it.

I had a rough time from the age of 13-18. Like any normal person, I had bad things happen to me and people broke my trust. Where I screwed up was my inability to deal with it. Instead of facing it how I should have, I choose to constantly look back on my past as an excuse to feel bad about my life and an excuse to be an unhappy person. Stupid, and so much time wasted. But I know now. Shit happens, pain happens, death happens, trust will be broken, some people are bad. Things happen not necessarily for a reason, but so that I can be broken down and then learn the lesson as I build myself up again. No other type of experience can give me as much growth as pain and that is why I finally consider my illness a good thing. Am I like everyone else? Not at all. I can't go out whenever I want, I can't eat whatever I want, I can't relax in social situations, I can't make a ton of casual friends. It's just not something that is possible for me to achieve at this point in time. However, what I can do is build stronger relationships with those that I am close to, I can open my heart to trust again (Kyle), and I can put myself in a mentally positive position. I can appreciate my life even if it's not what is considered "Cool." I get so sick of the constant competition of who does more crazy shit on the weekend. Guess what? I'm happy spending time with my family, camping, fishing, and going to movies with Kyle. I love appreciating the simple things in life and cuddling up with my puppy. I love being around drama-free people (huge reason why I really like Kyle's family) and I have nothing to prove.

I know who I am, I know where I've been, and I know how to move forward. I know that looking back will never give me anything good. I know that the lessons that were needed have been learned and that the rest of my past needs to be let go. I know that the confidence and belief that I have within is 100x more important than the judgements that people who barely know me can make. I know that I deserve to be around people who treat me well, who are honest, and who are genuinely good. I know that i still have a long road ahead of me and am not nearly done with fighting my illness. I know that I have the power to fight and to have a good life and I know that I won't give up.

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