Friday, May 6, 2011

Frustration with Illness

I'm so sick of being in pain. It's exhausting, it's isolating, and it's just getting plain old. I wonder if it will ever end or if it will end with me? All I wish is that I had an answer to fix it so I could just live a normal life and do everything I want to do and actually even have a bit of a social life. I feel like every day is one long big chore because it's that hard to get through most of the time. I guess I should just be thankful for what I do have and stop bitching about what I don't because I can't change the cards I've been dealt. I've got to stay positive because if I don't, then I don't have anything good coming out of this. I just have to do the best I can because there's not much more that I can do. I just wish that I had someone who could understand it on the same level that I do, someone who actually goes through it.

I feel like everything I've ever wanted out of life has had to be dulled down to compensate for what I'm going through. I feel like I could've done so much more if I wasn't held back by something so permanently debilitating. I probably would've gone farther with my degrees and probably would've tried harder for veterinary school. It just wasn't an option for me when I have to work my ass of just to sit in class everyday because I'm in so much pain.

Anyway, what do I want for the future?

1) I want to get married. I want to be able to be a good wife and a positive companion and to not be stressing/anxious all the damn time.

2) I want kids. Just two. I want to be able to be a good parent and be able to spend time with them without worrying about being sick in front of them. I want to be able to provide for them and give them everything they need.

3) I want to travel. I don't even really care where, I just want to see different parts of the world and have crazy experiences.

4) I want to maintain a successful career so I can bring in the necessary finances required to steps 1-3 and so that I can feel like I am doing something positive/rewarding with my life.

5) I want to have fun. I want to be able to spontaneously take off whenever I want and do pretty much anything my heart desires without anxiety over getting sick. I want to be able to form relationships with people without holding myself back because I don't want to even have to begin to explain why I live my life the way I do.

6) I want to just be happy. I want to be able to appreciate every day of my life and the people in it.

And guess what? I can do 1-6 without being cured. It's just going to be 100x harder, but it's worth it. I don't want to make excuses the rest of my life either. I'm just going to have to take things day by day, stop feeling sorry for myself, and start getting past this. I'm so sick of letting it consume my every day life. I'm so sick of letting pain take over.

No comments:

Post a Comment