Saturday, April 30, 2011

Who I Want to Be

Another one of the tough things in life besides deciding what you want to do in life is deciding who you want to be. I do believe that we are who we are, but that doesn't mean that you can't focus towards improvements or change yourself for the better over time. Here is a list I came up with a long time ago, but I thought I'd share it now:

1) Someone who is focused/driven, but still has the ability to be carefree and let go
2) Someone who doesn't hold on to the past or let it define them
3) Someone who doesn't get stuck in traps of negativity, self-doubt, and a poor outlook on life
4) Someone who is happy and appreciates everything they have been given in life
5) Someone who knows where they stand on issues and is passionate about everything they believe in
6) Someone who is patient, kind, and treats others fairly
7) Someone who enjoys learning, exploring, and understanding the complex aspects of life and accepts that not everything has an answer
8) Someone who no longer gives into the anxiety associated with being in pain everyday
9) Someone who accepts being an introvert/self-sufficient and doesn't take it personally when they go unnoticed
10) Someone who can see the humor in bad situations and faces every challenge with grace
11) Someone who doesn't obsess and worry about the future but instead focuses on the now
12) Someone who takes responsibility for their own actions, but does not take responsibility when unnecessary
13) Someone who can shut down their mind and just be at peace
14) Someone who is passionate, inspiring, and always looking to better themselves
15) Someone who doesn't internalize, but instead faces issues and then lets it go
16) Someone who is secure in themselves and doesn't let other's personal issues bring her down

Those are just a few and a lot of them I am pretty good at. However, there are of course some that still need some work. And I plan on working towards them because I am just that type of person. The first step towards changing yourself though is figuring out what's wrong in the first place.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Moving Forward

Alright, so this is my first attempt at writing in a long time. It was kind of rushed and on the spot, but I didn't think it was too horrible. I hope everyone is having a great week.

Moving Forward
The memories fading and it's all in a haze
That part of my life was just a phase
Thought it was forever, thought it was true
Come to find out that I never knew you

It's crazy to think that I could be so wrong
Especially when I had known you for so long
I'm okay now, I'm finally in a good place
There's nothing left of us, not even a trace

Don't be mistaken, I will always care
I just won't tell you, It's just not fair
It's my way of helping you to let go
The pain of moving on is something I know

Even though it's over, we'll both be okay
We just have to keep taking it day by day
I've let go of the anger, hurt, and fear
I can't believe it's already been a year

I wish you the best with all that you do
It's tough but I know that you'll push through
I hope that at least you'll no longer lie
I'd hate for you to face another goodbye
~Jordan Stocking '11

Monday, April 25, 2011


I'm finally done with school. It feels so good to have a huge load of stress off my plate and to be able to start refocusing my goals at least for the next four months. I'd like to find some steady work, but I would also like to focus on having some fun as well as little things to improve my life and to continue growing as a person. This ranges from everything to cleaning out my room again (lol) to spending a lot of time reading this summer. I'd also like to try writing a little more freely which means it probably won't be posted online.

This weekend was pretty good. Got to get away with my family, Kyle, and Blake and spend some time at the Sand Dunes. The only crappy part was that it was WAY too cold. I was ready for bikini weather and I probably only spent a total of two hours in a swimsuit top. The rest of the time I had layered hoodies on ha ha. It was still nice to get away and spend some quality time with Kyle without having to worry about him going to work or me having to study. Got to meet some pretty fun people as well and overall just had a really good time and I did it sober. It's actually really amazing to me how much my health issues have changed my overall approach on life. I like eating healthy and making healthy choices for myself because in the long run it's going to mean so much more to me.

I'm actually really starting to enjoy the direction my life is going in. It's been a struggle and I've gone through a lot of changes, but I'm here and I'm living the life I want to live. The past is starting to feel like a dream to me and a pretty negative one at that. I just feel like I've grown the most in this past year then I did in my whole teenage years. I used to struggle so much with who I even was as a person and what I wanted out of life, but it's all starting to fall into place and I love it. I'm glad I can be a positive person now and that I finally believe in myself.

Here are some pictures from the trip:

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Challenges are What Build Character

Nick Vujicic: Amazing Motivational Speaker

So, although I'm not really all that religious, this guy is hands down amazing. He was born without arms and legs and goes around speaking at high schools and churches to motivate people. It makes me pretty humbled to watch him speak and to think about all the the complaints I have in my life when he is happy without arms or legs.

Just a little bit of a wake up call to go after the things I want to in life and to stop making excuses about why things don't get done. To realize that just because bad things happen to you in life doesn't mean then you should just run away or give up. This doesn't apply to me as much now, but it would've been nice to know this even a year ago. I think I've always known in my heart that I shouldn't give up because I never really have, but these types of messages would've gotten me going a lot faster. I've had to work through my challenges in life to get to the great point I am at now, but I think this would benefit a lot of people.

Our society is so spoiled. The things that we think are so horrible really could be nothing compared to what others have to go through. Even if something is bad, we always have to choices in life:

1) Face it with grace


2) Hide/Run from it and be angry/sad

I've always tried to gear myself towards facing challenges head on even if sometimes I have my bad days where that doesn't seem possible. Now, I'm just hoping this video gave me the motivation to study for finals because I am so behind from being sick.

I hope everyone has a good weekend. :)

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Honesty in Relationships

“I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies.”~Pietro Aretino

There is nothing more important to me then honesty in a relationship. Maybe I am biased because I've had my fair share of betrayals and deception and I know how damaging that is to the way you view a person and the way you view yourself. To be honest, I don't care how shitty a person is if they can at least be upfront about it. You can be the biggest player, sleep around, do whatever you want but just be upfront about it and if you can't be then maybe you shouldn't be doing what you are in the first place. I have absolutely no respect for people that constantly lie to those around them. I don't get how people like that get to sleep at night or look at themselves in the mirror after they know they have been fooling people that they love all day long.

I used to blame myself for being lied to. I used to think that maybe I was too trusting and naive or that maybe I just wasn't good enough to deserve a truthful relationship. After months of being in a 100% honest relationship I can finally confidently say that those previous notions are complete bullshit. I absolutely deserve to have honesty in my life not only out of my relationship but also from my friends and family. I am finding it more and more difficult to just accept people who are fake. Chances are I will not call you out on it because I honestly don't feel most people are worth it, but you will absolutely lose my respect if I catch you being anything but upfront. I'll probably smile at you and be civil, but deep down I know better and I'll be sure never to put my trust into your hands.

I am so grateful that I didn't walk into another one of "those" relationships. I've had so many games played on me, been cheated on, been lied to, and pretty much every way that someone could betray my trust and so I think that it is rare I found someone who doesn't do any of that. Almost 10 months and I don't have a single event in my mind that has given me any reason to doubt the person I am with. That is AMAZING! Has my current relationship been 100% perfect? I wouldn't say that at all. We had to work through quite a bit to get to where we are now mostly due to my past but I am finally in such a good place in my life. This relationship, however, is the most real relationship I've ever been able to experience and it's by far the best. I think that is astounding that now only do I get the truth, but that the truth itself is so much more then I could have imagined.

I think what it comes down to is that everyone has a slightly different moral code. I think that it's okay to be with someone who has different beliefs, interests, opinions, and preferences then you. However, your basic moral code has to be the same. If it's not, it will never work out. I can't believe how long it took me to finally get that, but it's a lesson I will never ever forget and I would gladly walk away if I ever felt that was the case.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

End of the Semester..

I can't believe how close it is getting for this semester to be over. Holy crap, I am just so excited. This is literally a list of everything I have left to do and then I'll be done:

-Take home test for Industrial Microbiology
-Study for final for Genetics
-Study for final for Biochemistry
-Finish up a few questions on the Tropical Diseases take home test

That is seriously such a small list. Lots of studying mostly, but I was able to accomplish so much this last week that I didn't think I could. I had to give a big presentation in industrial microbiology this morning which most normal people would only be slightly nervous about. However, for someone that has the anxiety and physical illness that I do, it was extremely stressful. I was pretty much awake all night because I couldn't get too bed because of how nervous I was and when I did sleep I had nightmares about starting my presentation and not having any idea of what to say. It was amazing though. Once I started my presentation, my nerves just went away and it went so well. I'm so glad to have it done and to just be able to focus on studying and finishing up this semester.

So, with all that in mind, I am going to get to accomplishing everything I need to. :)

Monday, April 4, 2011

River Bottoms

Oh Utah weather how much I do hate you sometimes.
It's really a drag to have two nice days and then get snow.. in April.

Anyway, I decided to enjoy the weather with Kyle on Friday. We wanted to go hiking but since the canyons still had snow we decided to just go on a walk along the river bottoms. We walked for about 2 hours.. and it's probably the farthest I've ever gotten on that trail. It was a blast to get to spend some stress-free alone time with him and to just enjoy the sun. We got some pretty good pictures too. I love spending time with him; always makes me feel like all the pain I go through on a daily basis is worth it because when I am with him I can just relax and enjoy being with him.

Anyway, this is a quick one because it's finals time and I am swamped.