Vulnerability

Man, am I starting to struggle with school. Maybe it's just because it's Wednesday and I've finally made it through the hard part of my school week, but wow.. I am just exhausted. I will finish school, but I will be counting every week that goes by until I am done.. because everything is starting to get so close. By the way, there are 12 weeks and 2 days left of school. This doesn't count Monday which I have off or the Monday in February I have off. :) Thank god for a shorter spring semester and for more holidays in the spring semester as well. I guess it wouldn't be so hard if it wasn't for my constant physical issues that I feel like I am going to have to deal with the rest of my life.

I'm going to have a vulnerable moment for just a bit here, which is something I try to avoid but...

It is really hard to look around and see all these people enjoying their education and their young lives while I know that mine will forever be crippled by pain.

It is really hard to put a smile on my face anyway and pretend nothing is wrong because I don't want to be judged or treated differently from my teachers.

It is really hard to count down the hours, the minutes, and the seconds for each class because I know if I can just make it through those countdowns I will get through school.

It is really hard to not be able to just eat and to enjoy food and to have to make up a lame excuse anytime someone wants to do something that involves eating.

It is really hard to know that I can't make plans weeks or months ahead of time because I'll have no idea if I can physically handle it.

It is really hard to pretty much lose all of my close friends because it is impossible for me to maintain relationships when my life revolves around.. once again.. physical pain.

It is really hard to be in any type of new situation because I know that my body will tense up and be in pain... which only makes it worse.

It is really hard to know that there is no cure, no solution, and that this is probably how I will feel for the rest of my life.

I'd like to lie and turn this post around and talk about all the positive things in my life that magically overcome the pain... but I don't lie. There are happy moments in my life and there are painless moments in my life (this is rare). However, this constant pain and struggling is just.. exhausting. It's very tiring and disappointing to know that I can only do so much with my future and even then I'll never be able to accomplish as much as I would like to. Sure, I will get my bachelor's degree and sure.. I will probably get a decent job. But I could've done so much more and I could've been so much better.