Saturday, February 19, 2011

The Reason For Pain

How do we become the person that we are today? Can we really blame the actions of a few people on the way that we are shaped or is it an accumulation of many peoples, many events, and many influences? It is amazing that we can live our whole lives believing one thing, but if someone has the power to say just one thing to us that changes our entire perspective then we can already start to reshape ourselves. Most of the time when this happens, it is negative. For example, most people grow up pretty confident in themselves when they are young and naïve about what society feels is beautiful. However, they get old, and they get to a certain age group where they start to realize that physical attraction follows certain rules. It takes just one person to call you ugly and you start to question that. Why do we do this? Why do we grow up for many years being confident, believe in ourselves, and then when one shitty person says something we let it change our whole entire world.
I’ve given myself many excuses over the years for why I am who I am. Why I don’t trust, why I am insecure, why I am “angry at the world.” And over the years, I’ve slowly changed who it was or what it was that made me who I am. I know it’s not that simple and to be honest I don’t think there is really a way for me to know exactly why I am who I am today or if I even completely understand that person. How well can we know ourselves when we spend all of our time trying to be something else or fit into what society wants us to be? Or when we are so busy fulfilling obligations that are necessary in order to just survive in this world? And the answer I have come up with for whom I can blame for my faults? No one. The fault only comes to me when I use it as an excuse to allow myself to go down this negative path of insecurity, uncertainty, and resentment.
It’s a simple lesson that we all have to learn eventually: shit happens. Everyone experiences some type of negative experience in their live. Life is not fair and some people take more shit then others, but the fact is… we do not learn without these negative experiences. As much as it sucks, there is no way in hell we would ever learn anything about life if it had been perfect. We would be oblivious to the world and when we are ignorant to life there will failure, eventually. Life is pointless without pain and the lessons that are a result of that pain. As much as we wish for life to be easier and we wish that we could just be blissful, the real meaning in life comes from facing those challenges head on and gaining knowledge from the mistakes that we make. Only then can we grow and become better. Only when we stop making the same mistakes can we move forward onto something better.
We have to learn to let go of our past, take the lesson, and move forward. We have to learn to let go and to not take it so personally. How do we accomplish this when we hold on to these experiences with so much emotion? Is it fake if I just ignore the problem and put a smile on my face? Is that really moving forward? This is the problem that I am now facing. I know that life is unfair, that shit happens, and that it happens for a reason. Now, however, I am struggling with what I can do to move forward. I keep myself busy with school, Kyle, friends and family. I fill my time with trying to reach an improved state of myself and I just keep hitting dead ends. This is the rut that I am hitting and I have finally understand what exactly the problem is. So, now that I know the problem, I need to find the solution. The best way I know how to move forward is to recognize what has happened to me and then put the pieces together into the puzzle of my life in a way that makes sense and in a way that makes the situation positive. So, that is my next step. I’m not sure if I will share that step because it is an extremely personal thing to do, but I know now what point I have reached and where I need to go next.

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