Sunday, February 20, 2011

The Truth.

I miss you. A lot. Not because I want you back, but because you were my best friend and someone I thought I was going to spend my whole life with. I miss my “sure thing”, my fairytale fantasy, my “its us against the world no matter what.” I miss what I thought I had, not the reality that came around and finally slapped me in the face. I miss the person I was with you: that naive, everything is going to work out, nothing can stop me kind of girl. Someone who looked at the world as an amazing place where those that loved me would never hurt me. I miss knowing what my future was going to be for sure. I was wrong and it hurts to know that. It still hurts even after all this time and I will never ever get closure from it, at least not the easy kind of closure where we talk about the truth of what happened and we both agree its time to move forward. We’re not going to have that easy type of agreement, which hurts even more. After all this time, we still can’t even work it out enough to give each other closure from this mess.

And I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I just couldn’t do it anymore and I’m sorry that I hurt you. I sorry that I ended something we both worked so hard for and I’m sorry we couldn’t stay friends. I’m just plain sorry because I never wanted it to get so damn bad and I’m sorry that there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening. I’m sorry if you think that I hate you, if you think that I am emotionless, if you think that I have forgot you, if you think I moved on quickly. I’m sorry that I had to shut myself away from you in order to move forward. I’m just plain sorry because I know that it hurts and I know that there’s nothing I can do to change that.

I want to move on so that this pain can go away. Most days I ignore it as best I can and I try to live my life in the present instead of the past. It still lingers though; it lingers as emotional poison coursing through my body waiting for any minute that it can take advantage of my weakened state of mind. I feel it when I’m tired, when I’m upset, when I feel hurt. It all comes rushing back and I feel as if the whole world is ending. I feel like nobody is good and nobody is trustworthy. I feel like my whole life is a lie and that I will never escape the depression that seems to follow me around. And then I internalize it again, keep it deep inside, and throw away the key to my emotions. Until next time, until it all resurfaces again.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if there is really a good answer. I can only hope. Hope that you are making good choices for you and that you are setting yourself up for a happy life. That’s all I ever wanted for us to have, just happiness. I know we can’t have it together; but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want it for us individually and I will never wish harm on you, ever. I hope that you figure yourself out and I hope that you find someone amazing who loves you just as much as I did. And I hope that the next time, you’ll know better then to betray her trust. I hope, for myself, that this stops hurting and that I can keep the good memories and move on. I hope I can look back on you and me and realize that it was great at the time, but just not meant to be. I hope that I can let go of the trust issues that were created and hope that I can love without caution again. I hope that, at the very least, our experience together made us both better and stronger people. I hope it all wasn’t for nothing.

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