Wedding Day

From October 13, 2012 to our wedding day on June 22, 2013 life was extremely busy and for the most part fun. The real stress of everything coming together didn't kick in until the last month or so when I realized just how close it was and also how much we didn't have done yet. I never pictured myself being the type of girl to worry about little details, but I really wanted our wedding to be two things:

1) I wanted it to be beautiful, romantic, and memorable.
2) I wanted everything to be able to have a really good time.

Our initial wedding budget was set for $5,000 and boy did we find out quick how that was not going to cover even close to what we were going to need to pull it off. We probably spent about $20,000 including the honeymoon which was $4,000. It's not that anything was necessarily over the top (okay, maybe a little), but we definitely didn't find a cheap way to do most things. I will say that we saved a lot of money on the catering because of my amazing Mom. I couldn't ask for a more selfless Mom and she really was there for me every step of the way. Besides cooking 120 lbs of pulled pork, she was at every appointment and calmed me down whenever I was stressing or worried that people just didn't care.

Now, since I got sick in 2008 my biggest fear about getting married was that I would be too sick to enjoy it. However, since I started my medication last year I haven't had one really bad attack. Lucky me, that streak was broken on my wedding day. I'd say it was 40% bad luck, 50% stress, and 10% punishment from God lol. The actual day of the wedding wasn't overly stressful. It felt hectic because there was a lot to do, but for the most part things were running fairly smoothly. However, I could feel the stress and anticipation building. I think I hit my peak when I found out that my photographer wasn't there when the ceremony was already running 15 minutes late. I didn't have a bridezilla meltdown, but I had to sit down from the stress of it.

The ceremony was interesting to say the last. Another goofy fear of mine was tripping over my dress which, ta da, came true. It wasn't that I necessarily tripped, but I was used to being able to hold it when I walked and I wasn't able to do that. Was it movie like? No. But I was able to laugh it off and focus on what really mattered: my husband and I. Another fun part about the ceremony was that I was facing directly into the sun. Oh, the things you don't even think about! It's funny because I was pretty emotional when I was waiting for everything to start, but I really was so focused on getting my vows right that I didn't get emotional during the actual ceremony.  To be honest, the whole ceremony felt surreal and it was over really quick. There were some things we would've changed if we could've (more religious than we were hoping), but overall we became husband and wife so we were happy. :) Anyway, my attack really didn't hit me until after the ceremony during pictures. The stress of the ceremony was gone (yay, time for fun) and for some reason that is when my body decided to get sick. It was incredibly upsetting to me at the time and I was so angry that it had to be that day. Looking back now, I see it as part of the journey.

So, because of being sick, the reception was more difficult to say the least. I didn't eat/drink anything the entire time because I continued to get sick even without food on my stomach. I kept having to randomly leave and there was no way I was going to be able to follow the preset schedule we had planned. Basically, when I felt okay, is when we did our dances, cake cutting, etc. Towards the end, I did calm down enough to let loose and to dance a little, but I was pretty wiped out from being sick.

Honestly, my favorite part of the night was finally being able to leave and knowing I was going to get to crash at the hotel with Kyle and eat tons of food ha ha. Despite all the struggles of the night, I honestly can look back at our wedding with joy and to be able to remember the fun memories. I've joked with Kyle that we are never getting divorced because I don't want to get married again ha ha. I don't regret a thing or how much money we spent. Everything was beautiful and i really do think that people had a great time. I was able to really see who is there for me in my life and I am honestly so grateful for all of the love and support we have in our lives; it is amazing. The most important thing to me is that I finally married my best friend and I couldn't be happier now that all the stress of planning the wedding is over with. Although I got sick, I still managed to survive and that is something I never thought I could do even a couple of years ago.

So, here is to a lifetime of happiness with my best friend. I couldn't have picked a better man. :)

This made every stress instantly better. :)

My Dad giving me away.

Finally made it to the alter.

Vow time.

My sweet husband.

Finally... the best part ha ha.

My new parents. 

My amazing parents. :)

Big family.. and this is only part of them.

Acting like dudes...

Acting like chicks.. ha ha

I was insanely jealous of this picture.. lol

Attitude

Daddy daughter dance...

Our first dance...

Love dancing with him now...

My big brother and his amazing girlfriend Jasmine <3 td="">

The photobooth we had at our wedding.. fun to fit my dress into ha ha

My amazing grandparents...

We love to swing dance.

My two best friends. 

The raptor...

Getting my baby snuggling time in... 

My beautiful mom and amazing brother..

Finally out of the 10 lb dress... and into my leaving dress... 

Leaving to spend our first night as husband and wife. <3 td="">

Turning to Nature Instead

Kyle and I were married on June 22nd this year. It was amazing and maybe I will post a more detailed post some time about it.. but for now I'd rather focus on the present.

I've decided to hold off on drinking for 30 days to get more healthy and to take better care of myself. I also want to be able to find positive and healthy activities to do besides bar hopping. ;) Not that it's not fun to go out, but eventually it starts to become exhausting. I made the mistake of drinking around people that I can't trust and it made me realize that I need to be a lot more careful and choose more wisely because at this age I really don't care for the drama anymore.

This weekend, we went hiking Friday night after work and Saturday as well. It was so nice to just get out and above all of the daily crap. We took the puppies to dog lake on Saturday and it was a perfect day for a hike. It was completely overcast, only about 70 degrees, and it even sprinkled rain for a little while. It was so nice. Laila, as her usual self, had to greet every person that came her way and Mickey had to defend us from every possible dog on our path. He is such a shit, but so cute. We met a fellow weenie and Laila and Mickey were both super friendly.. apparently my dogs know their own kind. It was about a 6 mile hike and I was proud to accomplish it. When we got to the top Kyle threw Mickey and Laila into the lake and although they hated it they are very good swimmers.

Right now we are just enjoying life being married and not being stressed planning a wedding. Our only goals right now are to enjoy our time together and to get as much debt paid off as possible. It will take a little bit longer with Kyle having to pay for school now, but with his new promotion we are finally stepping into a position where we can pay a lot of stuff down. We are hoping to plan a trip to Italy next year and possibly a fun trip to Disneyland during October this year. :)

Maybe one day I will stop avoiding writing and go back to it. Maybe. But for now, I'm just taking it one day at a time.

Lessons From My Younger Self

Damn, I was a smart 14 year old. I found this on my old website and had to share it.. some good reminders to myself. It's amazing how sometimes we get more stupid with time. Absolutely ridiculous. I was an awesome teenager ha ha. 

Simple Things To Remember/Follow

These are all things I have learned growing up that get me through hard times or just simply make me laugh.

1. When your looking for a boyfriend, you don't find one. It's when you move on with your life and focus on your goals and friends that your suprised by someone new in your life.

2. Complaining about your life won't change anything, doing something about it will. Trust me, you can do something!

3. No matter what the situation is, handle it in a way that you'll be proud of later. Otherwise you'll regret a lot of things in life.

4. Don't be afraid to not act your age, just make sure that it's at an appropriate time that you let your kid side out.

5. Don't talk bad about people.. they'll always find out.

6. Don't be in a hurry to grow up, it comes sooner that you think and you can't go back to your childhood. Enjoy it.

7. School may be a pain, but it's the only thing that gets you started in life, go to college.

8. All the people who seem so beautiful and perfect... are really just as unperfect as you are. We've all got faults deep down.

9. If your afraid or uncomfortable to do something... Don't .. it's that simple. If people can't accept you for who you are then you shouldn't be hanging out with them.

10. Never let anyone tell you your not good enough for something/someone. You are in fact good enough.

11. Dishwashing soap DOES NOT clean a bathtub... but it sure smells good.

12. All the litte fights you have with your friends about who-said-this and who-said-that don't matter. No, they don't.

13. True friends will always come back to you.. no matter what.

14. To have friends you must get off your butt and call them.

15. Appreciate the good things in life, because you never lose the bad.. only the good.

16. Make sure the people you love know that.. because you never know what might happen.

17. Swearing...is fun sometimes, but it doesn't make you sound cool.

18. Your parents are proud and your siblings do love you.

19. Stand up for yourself, your the only one that can.

20. Karma, my friends... What goes around comes around.. always.

21. A ill-spoken word is one of the most devasting things you can say to another person. Think about what you say.

22. Smile.. you may make someone's life worth living.

23. Allow yourself to be popular.. the keyword here is YOURSELF. Don't change anything about you and don't throw away your grades just to fit in. Nobody cares if your popular out in the business world.

Getting Healthy

Kyle and I got gym memberships last Wednesday. I honestly feel like I got beaten with a shovel all over my body right now ha ha so I think that's a good sign. My personal trainer tried to tell me that I had 35% body fat and it broke me down for quite some time yesterday. I have high goals and I know that I have work to do, but there is no way my body fat % is that high. I looked at comparison pictures of different people/genders at different body fats and I am nowhere near that level. I would say I am between 22-25% and my goal is to be within the 17-19% range. I honestly feel like it was a scheme just to get me to pay for personal training sessions, which I did. Oh well, if they help me get focused then it is worth it. Just need to be a little more smart about what people are telling me and to have some more confidence in myself. I honestly feel great so far though: I've been doing a lot more cardio and weight training this week. My body hasn't been too kind with me running lately so I've been using mostly the elliptical but I hope to build back up to running once I am strong again. I also plan on doing some of the group exercise classes to keep me motivated and to keep it fun. I am so excited to feel more healthy and to get the confidence back that comes with it. I have until April 6th before the fitting for my wedding dress so I have a lot of work to do.

This morning, I made breakfast for both of us for the week. I saw this awesome idea on this blog: http://undressedskeleton.tumblr.com/Recipeindex. She has amazing, yummy, and healthy recipes. Anyway, we made our own healthy version of egg mcmuffins pretty much. I mixed eggs and bell peppers together, put them in a muffin pan, and stuck them in the oven. We also put turkey bacon on them and some cheese. We then stuck the whole thing into an indoor grill. It will be a nice easy breakfast to grab in the morning so I am excited and I actually cooked something that tasted good. I am becoming more and more domesticated every day ha ha.


I also FINALLY found my wedding shoes:

They are custom made, super comfortable, and gorgeous. I didn't think it was going to be possible to find. Of course, they doubled my budget again... but that seems to be the trend for wedding spending right now. 

We also took the babies to the dog park today. Mickey was an absolute shit and went around growling at all the bigger dogs. Never close enough to do anything because he is a big baby, but he was making a ton of ruckus. Luckily, we met a really nice lady who was understanding of our dog. She had a beautiful older husky that was super gentle with him and put up with his nonsense until he calmed down. Towards the end he was chasing the big dogs and playing with them. Miss Laila was mellow as usual, but she was a lot more adventurous than usual and kept walking away from Kyle and I. Usually, she is pinned to my side so I thought that was good progress. 

Anyway, my focus is on getting as strong as I can mentally and physically. I'm cutting out as much bad junk as I can and that will be including alcohol. It is so much easier to focus on my goals when I have a fully stocked gym that I can go to. 

Love and light. <3 p="">

Quick Updates

I haven't written in a long time. I always want to, but sometimes I find it easier just to live in the moment instead of try to reflect and come up with something positive. For the most part, life has been great. Busy, but great.

Kyle and I got engaged on October 13, 2012. :) I've been busy obsessing about details I never thought I would care about. Only get married once though and I just really want it to be beautiful and fun for everyone. We are pretty much there except for a few small details though so now I am just getting excited. We are getting married on June 22nd at a beautiful atrium in Sandy. I also can't wait to go on our honeymoon to Mexico for 7 days. I can't wait to start out family; we are both getting super antsy about kids. It's weird because we've already bought a house and been living together, so we've had our "married" time together. I can't wait to fall in love with our child and to get to experience every memory and moment.

My health issues are still under control, which is great. I've been able to go out to eat (which I hadn't done in 4 years) and have been able to socialize more without fearing a complete anxiety attack. It's nice feeling like a person again. I still miss having a really close friend (besides Kyle) but I don't know if that will ever happen. Honestly, I find it difficult to truly connect with most people. The majority of people are focused on themselves to the point that they can't even really be there for other people. I do love hanging out with Kyle's sisters though and I hope to have the chance to get closer with them.

I got LASIK in December and got my first tattoo. i am proud to have crossed my two-year mark and to have gotten something that will always have meaning to me. Te ipsam a te ipsa libera.. Free yourself from yourself. Great lesson that I am still trying to put into place in my everyday life. We are our own worst enemies in so many ways and I have to remind myself constantly that my emotions/pain are not me. Just have to keep fighting the negativity that seems to be the normal state of mind in the world.

Just have to keep focusing on love.

Free yourself from yourself

Te ipsam a te ipsa libera... Free yourself from yourself.

Honestly.. my biggest obstacle in life has been me. I wish I could define the point in life where I stopped being open-minded, care-free, and happy. I can't define the point where I woke up and decided that for whatever reason I wasn't good enough, I wasn't perfect just the way I was, that I could no longer be happy because something was missing.

I was missing acceptance... love...and the ability to relate to other people.
No one could possibly begin to understand what I was going through. I was above it all, but for some reason that brought me down so low. My form of suffering was unique, special, and filled with arrogance. How could I possibly have been so young?

It's been a hard place to come back from. Drilling these unforgiving lessons into my head for the last 7 or 8 years and then I wonder how things got so bad. I'm done with it all.

I have one focus in life right now and that is Love in all forms. Love for myself, love for others, and love and appreciation for my daily life and all that it contains. Life is a confusing mess of sadness and amazing moments, but I am done shortchanging myself just because of fear. I have no reason to be afraid, no reason at all. I know that I am a good, kind, and amazing person. I know this because I feel that strength on a daily basis. I know my own truth and I know that the world around me is much deeper than what I see on the surface. I'm not running from who I am or what has been in my past, but I am willing to forgive myself and to love myself because it is something I can for sure hold onto. I'm tired of analyzing what happiness is and trying to fit it into society's picture of what that means.

This is why I take the word's "free yourself" so seriously. I have been my biggest enemy all along and made life that much harder on myself. I am ready to drop all the excess crap that was never necessary to begin with. Most of all, I am ready to forgive myself. I'm tired of being mad at myself for my adolescence. I'm ready to turn the page and just leave it all behind...and to live openly and freely..

I promise, I promise, I promise... to be open to all that comes my way and to not be afraid of any of it.

Never did I expect...

Never did I expect or see what was coming my way. Two years ago, four years ago, six years ago, my mindset was so completely different. My attitude towards life was so skeptical and I'm sure a little bit of teenage angst had to do with it, but it's amazing what changes have come my way. No matter what, I am glad I stuck through it all. I am glad that I was able to slowly change my habits and become a happier, healthier, person.

I will always strive for more, but I can't believe what a good place I am in right now, in this moment. I never would've thought I could buy my own house at 21 or that I would be able to start a great career so young. I wasn't sure if I'd graduate college or if I'd ever be in a functional healthy relationship. I wasn't sure if I could ever just love myself, as I am, faults and all. I was wrong. I can, I do, I am.

I know that it's cheesy, but this is me being vulnerable and not letting fear take over. I've worked hard to focus on the positive, to focus on love, to be open to others even if they are not open to me. I've been given a lot of challenges in the past 3-4 years. Challenges that have brought me to the realization of so much more than I could've imagined. Me being sick for so long really has been such a great push for me to grow and learn. It sucks being an outcast sometimes, but I've learned to appreciate the little things and I've learned that every single person has a hidden battle. Every person is someone's child and more often than not people are just looking to give love or receive love. I really believe that for the most part, it really is that simple.

I love everything about life right now. I love the every day challenges I face because I keep conquering them and that makes me feel amazingly powerful. Realizing the strength that I have both physically and mentally has just pushed me to a whole different level of gratitude. I'm thankful for the people that are still in my life to this day. It may not be many, but they are very, very true and I couldn't love them more than I do.

I'm thankful for Kyle because of his assistance in getting me on a more positive path. The path is and will be my own, but he showed me that positive patterns and people do in fact exist. I am lucky as hell to have someone like him in my life and I hope to continue our journey together for the rest of our lives.
I'm thankful for my babies. They bring so much joy to my life on a daily basis just by being them. I love coming home from a hard day at work and snuggling up with them.
I'm thankful for Blake because he has shown me that true friendships do exist. That it's not just friendships that are based on shallow interactions that are out there. I miss him a lot, but I will never stop loving him. He's been such a huge part of my journey, good and bad.
I'm thankful for my family despite any challenges that we have faced. I know that I always have a place to go or a phone call home when things get scary and that means the world because for the longest time I didn't think anyone could be there for me. Funny how it's right in front of my face sometimes.
I'm thankful for my new family, Kyle's family. After my past, I've been cautious to find acceptance and love but they have shown me nothing but those two things. They are amazing people and I can see exactly where Kyle came from.
I'm thankful for my job and the people I work with. Work, for the most part, always goes by fast. I'm grateful that I can go to a place and get paid to work hard (but enjoy my job) and laugh all day. My career has only been more proof to me that I can overcome my physical struggles and still accomplish what I want to in life.

Yes, I know it's not thanksgiving but I am just overwhelmed with peace in my life right now. Days like today are a constant reminder to me to just sit back and enjoy life. To appreciate all of the little things and to push through the bad.

This is a mindset that I want to have always. Life may not be perfect, but I will always remember this feeling and these lessons when life gets rough.

Trip to Zions

Toward the end of May, Kyle and I took a trip down to Zion's National Park. It was a last minute spontaneous thing and we were lucky to get the last campsite that was open. I've always wanted to see more of southern utah and I definitely did not regret my choice. It was absolutely stunning/beautiful and I wish we could've stayed a few extra days.

The first night we came in we decided to just to hike around and explore off trail near our campsite. We played in the river, saw some deer, and I was entertained by all the cacti with flowers on them. The weather couldn't have been more perfect for the weekend. It wasn't super hot, so it made hiking really nice. We made dinner off of a campfire and set up our camp.

The next day, we woke up early and immediately drove up the canyon. We got to go through a mile long tunnel which was really entertaining. The first trail we hiked on was the canyon overlook trail. It was pretty easy, but the end was a beautiful overlook. We came back afterwards and realized we had left the lights on in my car after going through the tunnel. So, we stopped a random French guy and he was kind enough to jump us. That is definitely one thing we noticed while down in Zions; there were a lot of tourists from different countries but I thought it was kinda cool that people would come from so far to see the park.

After that we had to go back to camp and took a shuttle to see all of the other trails. We hiked up the Emerald Pool Trail first which wasn't too much of a struggle but it was crowded so it took a while longer than the last. Just like the name implies, the top of the trail is a series of pools.

The last trail we hiked (and my very own personal challenge) was Angel's Landing. This trail was much harder then the others we had hiked and took 2.5-3 hours to hike. It was very steep which made me feel out of shape lol, but the scary part for me was the end part. I have always been uncomfortable with heights, especially when I'm not harnessed or strapped into something like on a roller coaster. The top section of Angel's Landing is along a 1400ft cliffside were you have to hold onto a chain link. When we got to this section, Kyle was very cautious with me and asked me if I wanted to continue. I sat down for a few minutes, looked at what was in front of me, and decided there was no way in hell I was going to turn back after how far I'd come. I knew that it was much scarier looking up at it then when I was on it. I was really calm the whole way through and even though I was exhausted, I wanted to conquer that mountain.

I only wish our trip could've lasted longer. We had several mishaps (car battery dying, chipmunk eating our hotdog buns, etc.), but it was honestly one of my favorite trips I've ever taken.

Disorganized Updates

Life just rushes by. It scares me that the older I get, the faster my life seems to pass by and I always wonder if I could be doing more or making more of myself. I've always been a goal setter and someone that has to have something to work towards. I just don't know if I am keeping a good balance of enjoying my life while going after my goals. There has got to be a point where I relax and realize the beauty and love that surrounds me and just be okay being me.

As busy as I am, I love my life. I feel peace with where I am at and with all the lessons I have experienced so far. I feel confident with the man I have fallen in love with and I am hopeful at what our future will look like. The only thing holding us back is finances and that wouldn't really be an issue but we bought a house ha ha. A lot of things to pay for right now, but we are only at the beginning and it only goes up from here. I have to remind myself to let go of that a little bit and not be in such a rush to pay things off. We have everything that we hoped for and more, so it's time to enjoy just being together. Eventually, it won't just be me and him ;) ha ha.

I have many reasons to be stressed/hurt/angry, but I have a million more to be happy/grateful. I found my old websites from when I was 13/14 last week and it blew my mind. As far as I've always remembered, I was an unhappy and depressed person at that age. I always thought that I was going through so much when I looked back. You know what I found though? I was happy/confidence/outgoing at those ages. I truly did have joy in my life and I was glad for that reminder. So often, it's easy to remember the bad times in your life but you can't have bad without good. It just doesn't balance out that way.

Mickey is getting so big. It's been really fun to get reminders of all the little stages Laila went through. He has been VERY lazy lately and pretty much sleeps whenever he's with me. Not sure if it's because his Dad spoils him in the afternoons and plays with him or not yet lol. Either way, I love this little puppy and his sweet/goofy personality. I am happy that Kyle and I made the decision to get Laila a friend. It's still a love/hate relationship right now but the puppy is learning not to be such an ass with her ha ha.

Being a goof <3

Both my babies.

Today, almost 3 months old.

Looking forward to a California trip in just 3 short months. I can't wait to take Kyle on his first REAL vacation and to show him disneyland, universal, sea world, six flags, and the ocean all for the first time. I can't wait to just have alone time with him without all the stress of work and chores that we have right now.

Anyway, there's my disorganized thoughts for the week. ;)