Standing up to Grief

I've debated posting this. Should I even bother hitting submit at the end? Do I really want to be possibly vulnerable in front of people that don't care about me or that I don't know? Honestly, at this point in my life.. I don't really have the fear of what people think. My goal is to live my life in a way that makes myself proud so that I don't have to provide justification to those around me. That might sound conceited, but it's more about keeping myself in check. You can't lie to yourself, truly. Try it. That feeling you get in your stomach when you know something isn't true? You can't avoid that. I give myself that test all the time and it's always accurate.

I've debated posting this because it's not socially correct. I'm supposed to pretend that it never happened and no one is supposed to find out save from my close friends. I'm supposed to pretend it never happened and just forget. I can't though and I don't want to. I truly believe I need this to move on and I encourage anyone reading that has gone through this to reach out to me so I don't feel so alone. Honestly, I welcome it (if you are in fact out there).

On February 24th, I found out I was pregnant. I was absolutely estatic. It's something we had been trying for since October and it felt like it was never going to happen. I was ecstatic, but I was also pretty cautious. The pregnancy test was extremely light, but I figured it was just early and that it would darken quickly and that everything would be fine. Nothing bad could happen to me and certainly not my baby.  So, we celebrated. I told my mom and she quickly told my side of the family. I even told some of my coworkers. I told my best friend.

Over the next few days, I kept taking tests. Surely, if the hormones were increasing as they should my tests would at least darken a little bit? And they did, but not by much. Something seemed off.. it didn't feel right. Finally, I called the doctor on thursday, February 27th and asked them to do a blood draw because my pregnancy tests were so light. First, they insisted that I take one of their pregnancy tests (less sensitive than what I was using). It was negative. The nurses looked at me like I was crazy and seeking attention.. until I pulled out my phone and showed her a picture of my positive pregnancy test on a first response test. So, they took a blood sample. I will tell you that I absolutely can't stand this clinic. At this point, I was so anxious and scared and I had to practically beg for my test results every time they took my blood. On Friday, I got the call and they told me that I was in fact pregnant. My HCG was only 24. The nurse didn't sound worried so for  a moment I wasn't either. I was excited that I wasn't crazy. Literally, as soon as the phone call ended I started spotting. Immediately, my confidence was shattered. It was very light so I convinced myself that it was implantation bleeding and since it went away I tried to ignore it. But I was anxious and scared that whole weekend.

On Monday, they had me do another blood draw to confirm the levels were doubling as they should. By this point, my HCG should have been 96. After another long day, I finally got a call on Tuesday and it wasn't good. My level was 51. I was at work at the time and I lost it. I couldn't believe (although I knew something was wrong the whole time) that I was going to miscarry. Miscarriages only happen to other people, not me. I had to leave work because I couldn't hold it together that day. I didn't even make it out the door gracefully. Part of me tried to hold on to hope but as soon as I made it home, Kyle and I tried to feel for the baby (spiritually) and we knew that he was gone. We both believed it was a boy all along.

 I didn't actually miscarry until Friday 07 Mar 2014. I had been miserable all week knowing that what should have been a living baby was no longer alive and that I was carrying it. It didn't seem right. We were getting ready to leave for a cruise on Saturday so I was just hoping that it would happen beforehand in case something went wrong. Finally, on Friday morning I woke up out of a dead sleep in excruciating pain. I won't go into gruesome details but as soon as it was gone I started to feel better. It happened so quickly and then it was over.

I have been pretty conflicted ever since this happened. I am sad for the future baby that I lost. I know it wasn't much at that point, but what it was supposed to be was ripped away from me. That will always hurt my heart. I'm happy that my body recognized something was wrong and knew what to do. I am terrified that if and when we do get pregnant again that I will have to live through this horrendous experience again. I feel broken when I see everyone around me getting pregnant and having what seems like flawless pregnancies without even trying. I feel broken when I am hassled about when Kyle and I are going to have kids because people have no idea of the hell we have gone through. Most importantly, I feel hope. I feel hope that our journey as parents has merely just begun. I feel hope and faith in the fact that we will have a healthy pregnancy and child. Every time I hear someone bitch about their pregnancy symptoms or even people that don't want to be pregnant, I have to swallow an ocean of bitterness. They have no idea how quick I would trade places with them if it meant I wouldn't have lost a child.

I am not afraid to speak out about our experience, our child, our loss. I wish more people would because it's actually quite common. This is the problem. I didn't know that it was common. I thought it was rare. That's not true. 1 in 5 pregnancies miscarries early. That is VERY common. Many times women don't know unless they are actively trying to have a child.

I don't want pity. I don't want people tip toeing around my feelings. I don't want to hear that it was meant to be or that it was for the better. I don't want to hear that if we just relax we will get pregnant. I don't want to hear these ignorant comments. I know that they are well meant, but they aren't helpful and all they do is make it worse. All I want to hear is "I'm sorry" and that my loss is acknowledged and not swept under the rug. That's it.

For now, we are trying to move forward. One day at a time and the emotions are constantly changing. It is getting easier, but the pain is a sneaky bastard that comes up again and will probably continue to do so.

We are hopeful and we know what follows a storm.

Update on Our Lives

I am feeling overwhelmed with a feeling of being grateful today. Life has had a few small bumps lately, but overall I am so happy to be where I am at right now. Our house closed (after being under contract 3 separate times!) on January 8th, 2014. We have been living with my grandparents since then and although it sucks to lose the independence it has been pretty awesome actually. I've enjoyed spending more time with them and we still have our own space since we pretty much have a basement to ourselves. We have been able to make a dent in our debt already and will be in a really good place when our house is finished being built. Currently, our house has had the foundation started on but they still need to finish pouring the floor. After that, they will start framing! We are excited, but we hope they take their time so we can pay off the most debt possible.

In just 3 weeks, we are going on our first cruise! Most of it was paid for with our tax return so it won't throw off our paying off debt plans too much. We weren't going to take a trip but we also want to make sure we travel as much as possible before starting a family. We will be going to Mexico (pacific side this time) for 7 days on the Carnival Miracle. I am super excited for that next adventure and just to spend so much needed and hard-earned time with my husband. He sure does work and I don't get to spend as much time with him as I would like to sometimes so I can't wait to just enjoy time together and to see the sun set and rise from our balcony on the ocean every day. :)

Since no one reads this and since I don't really feel the need to hide it, Kyle and I are trying to have a baby. It's crazy that I finally just typed that out. Close family and friends already know which at times I regret. I look back and sometimes it would be easier if we hadn't told anyone, but at the same time this is a big next step in our lives that we are just thrilled about. We have been trying since October been it has been a bit rough due to getting off of the pill. I think my body is finally starting to balance out so hopefully we get some good news in the next while or so. Either way, it will happen when it's supposed to and we will be beyond excited when it does. I have learned a lot of hard lessons already when it comes to trying to have a kid and that society really just doesn't get what women go through. I have reigned in who I talk to about this quite a bit, but it is difficult because every month we get our hopes up and then are dissapointed. Right now I'm just trying to enjoy life and let whatever is going to happen come our way. I have learned more about how a women's body works that I ever thought would be possible and I'm not even pregnant yet!

I love my family and can't wait for our next adventures!

Selling Our House

So I'm sitting in a parking lot in my car blogging right now because our house is going through it's 24th showing. Oh, by the way, we are selling and building. Why? Why do I do this crap to myself? Our house has been listed for only two weeks and we are already exhausted. It pretty much makes me feel like I am semi homeless due to the fact that I am living out of my car half the time. Sure, I could go visit people, but by the time I get anywhere my house is done being shown so it's kind of pointless. Anyway, I like this approach.. it's nice when I am forced to have some time to write.

Tonight, we are taking our house off the market so we can fix our back fence. About a year and a half ago it was hit by a junkyard car falling off of a trailer. It was a hit and run and it basically became a battle with our HOA on who should fix it. Pretty much, we just decided to be stubborn and leave it because it wasn't cracked enough that our dogs could get out and we didn't feel responsible. Lesson learned... should've fixed it back then. Our real estate agent is worried that it is keeping people from making an offer. We are getting a ton of activity and quite a bit of showings for such a short time and there's nothing else she really thinks should be stopping any offers. So, we are taking it off until it hopefully gets fixed this Thursday and Friday. It was supposed to be fixed today, but that would make life easy and the company that is helping us less flakey.. which so far they have been nothing but.

On a positive note, we get to go pick out all of the custom things for our new house on Thursday. I know that even though it is stressful that things will work out how they are supposed to irregardless. I don't like not knowing what is going to happen since I'm pretty much a control freak over my own life, but it's good to go through this and let go. It's hard not to take house selling personal and to realize that it's just a business transaction. Our first house has been an awesome starter home and we've already had a lot of good memories with it. It will be sad to leave it behind, but we feel like it's the best time for the market right now to get into our more permanent home. We want to provide the best we can for our kids so we'd like a bigger yard and a slightly bigger home in a much better location.

Anyway, here is hoping this part of the journey is over quickly. Definitely ready to be done.

Invisible and Awkward

I sit back sometimes and wonder if my life has any significance to the world around me. I get that I have an impact on my immediate family and I'm not saying that I don't appreciate what I have in my life, but I've always had this sinking feeling that I could disappear and people wouldn't really notice. Maybe the most difficult part is that I have a very vivid memory so I remember everyone that I knew or even just saw in my surroundings throughout my life. I didn't have to be close to someone to take a closer look and to be aware of their existence. There are people that I remember from middle school and I have no idea why that is so easy for me. There are people that I have known and two years later they haven't recognized me if I wave at them (which by the way is devastatingly awkward).

Part of my struggle is that I never really fit into the "accepted crowd" due to religious differences and to the fact that I was pretty much an introvert once I hit puberty. So, I didn't automatically get a huge group of friends because I was in that awkward phase of either being too immoral for the religious kids or being too moral for the kids that were extreme.  I've always struggled to relate to people my age and always felt like I was coming from a different planet.  And of course, I had my 'angst' stage where I was too focused on being as depressed as possible that I just didn't care. Either way, I had a very small group of friends and that was about it and it was always shifting.

It gets lonely thinking about it sometimes. Thinking about the choices I have made in my life and how it has led me here. Thinking about how unfortunately I stand up for my beliefs and that is enough to outcast me from some people's social circle. Thinking about my expectations for friends and how I have always had a low tolerance for shallow bullshit. Even the people that I interact with now.. sometimes it feels like I'm just going through the motions. I'm saying what I need to say and doing what I need to do but rarely do I get those fulfilling mind-blowing connections with people that I used to. People are friendly, sure, but it just doesn't feel real. Even with Kyle, I have to force myself to stay open, vulnerable, and honest with him. Not because I don't trust or love him, but because I am so damn good at saving face.

I understand that most people are too busy with their own lives to really think about others. I understand that on some degree we are all self-centered. However, to take the effort to really cut me out of your
life /ignore me... I don't understand. I feel like I am pretty careful to not be offensive and I generally accept others even if they have opposite beliefs of me. So, when that happens, it just feels personal. And then I have to wonder what is it that I am doing wrong. Which led to this tailspin of anxiety and thoughts. Even this blog... is like talking to a wall. I know that nobody reads it.. which I think is why it's becoming way easier to write in it. Even though it's public, even though I want so bad just to be real with the people around me, it doesn't really matter. True connections.. they don't really matter anymore... and that's really a damn shame.

Macklemore Therapy

Macklemore
"Hold Your Head Up"
(feat. Xperience)

Hold your head up, there's a light in the sky.
I know you're fed up, but you must try to survive.
Each moment's precious, don't let life pass you by-
Keep focused, keep your eyes on the prize.

A friend of mine once told me,
We have many paths in this journey.
They act in different directions
So when you question don't be worried,
It's not a wrong one-
Beauty can be found in all of them.

You'll meet people whose paths intersect
But you don't know how long you'll walk with them,
Cause' the truth is, and it's so hard, but you'll never know
How long we'll continue with our loved ones down this rugged road.
The path veers and it's clear that we must steer alone.
I've learned if you can't hold on to that moment that exists-
Let it go.

Cause' freedom is god.
Freedom is acknowledging the mask you have on
And possessing the strength to take it off.
Freedom is accepting every step of the path
And when it's hard having faith in the ability to embrace that
That's where you are,
And this is it.
The same shit that we work towards,
But go against in the same sense.

My friend hit me to some game and truth unravelled, she said
"The brighter the light, the darker the shadow",
And since I'm on cliche terms, knowing is half the battle.
But I don't know,
So I just go with what was destined.
Life can be a burden or a blessing,
The choice is yours to be connected.
It's there if you want it, you got it, now let it.

Hold your head up, there's a light in the sky.
I know you're fed up, but you must try to survive.
Each moment's precious, don't let life pass you by-
Keep focused, keep your eyes on the prize.

I feel like I have nothing to give right now,
This is my trial, tribulations, and it must go down,
But where's the up?
I'm stuck with the broken smile,
No jokin' now, wantin' to grab a swish and smoke this out.
The moment of a man choosing what path I will go down
Do I give in, give up, or get up and live right now?
With a split gut, pick myself up and spit my style,
This is the only thing that can holds my ground.
You're born into this world alone and alone you'll go out
All I have is myself and everyone else I doubt.
You can only trust yourself and depend on the help of the pound
Inside the chest that beats with the breath of the now.
No sunshine when she's gone, I can only see clouds.
No homies can hold me down, the spirit's testing me now
But I can withstand this world, but it seems so foul
Flood of emotions, it's like I'm being held down to drown.
Hell's right around the corner, but I can turn it around.
You always have a choice, no matter the situation, you're not bound,
To nothing, no one. You're chosen for this job,
This is your life, you can't escape this bitch when it's hard.
Just know that it passes, but you'll collect scars-
They never go away, but they will make you who you are.
This is a beautiful struggle, I share it in song cause'
I can't control this, remember: the moment's beyond us.

Hold your head up, there's a light in the sky.
I know you're fed up, but you must try to survive.
Each moment's precious, don't let life pass you by-
Keep focused, keep your eyes on the prize.

Addiction

Addiction has been a big part of my life for too long. My own personal experience was not a substance addiction, but a psychological addiction to self-injury. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's also not something that I'm wanting to hide. It's not even something that I viewed as an addiction, but it was definitely a coping mechanism. It wasn't until I was ready to stop that I realized how difficult it was to break away. I went a year and a half and still caved. I can happily say that my 3 years is on December 23rd of this year. I will never let my guard down with it though and although the urges are minimal, it is almost an instinctual reaction that I will always have to fight when I am in crisis mode. I smoked socially in high school whenever I would drink. I realized how much I enjoyed it so I stopped. I drank a little bit in junior high and more so in high school when it was a social and cool thing to do. And I kept up with that until it became unhealthy.

Now, I get to watch my little sister waste away with her addiction. It's not something my family is proud of, but I'm also done hiding that. I know what ignorant people say about addiction and "junkies". I know it's easier to judge addicts for their actions, rather than their actual disease. Does it mean the actions are any less devastating? Of course not. I know that at this point drugs are more important to my sister and that everything else (including her life) comes second. I'm not here to air out dirty laundry so I won't go into it much more than that, but it is heartbreaking to have no control over what is to surely come.

I am worried for my family. I am worried how we will get through everything no matter what the outcome. I feel like either way it is not going to be easy. I worry that the struggle has already exhausted my family beyond repair. I have learned a lot over the last few years and that is that my family sticks together and stays strong no matter what. I wish that my sister could be a part of how amazing that is and we would welcome her in a second, but I don't know if that will ever happen.

There's so much I don't know about what is to come now. All I know is that I can't control any of it and it sucks. All I can do it look to the future for what I do know. For the good things and for the people that I have in my life now.

Ashton Kutcher's Life Advice: Actually Pretty Amazing

So, the above video is currently circulating around the internet like crazy. And, to be honest, I can see why. I don't know how truly genuine Ashton Kutcher is as a person because I don't know him. However, this advice freaking rocks.


Opportunity being dressed as hard work (or in his case, looks like hard work) is not the first time those words have been spoken. In fact, Thomas Edison spoke the following words:


“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”

It is very refreshing to hear those words spoken again in a generation that is absolutely entitled. I am afraid for when I have children because I am going to have to do everything in my power to teach them such a simple lesson. My kids will probably complain to me when they realize that they aren't going to just have everything handed to them. I got my first job at 14 because I was told that I needed to earn what I wanted and I honestly would go crazy without a job now. I will take this advice more into consideration and work harder at my current job and hopefully the doors will open. ;)

The second piece of advice is what is considered sexy. Being smart, being thoughtful, and being generous. At first, this seems like a cliche. When I think about what I appreciate most about my husband though, a lot of those qualities really do revolve those three things. More than anything, I love Kyle for the amazing man that he is. He is extremely caring and always doing what he can to make our lives better. Even when we first met, he would stay up late with me while I studied just to help keep me awake even though he had to work at 7 am in the morning. Fortunately, my parents gave me the advice of sticking to who I am early on in life so I was never afraid to be the smart kid in school. So, I completely agree with this statement of sexy. And honestly, the people that are attracted to purely shallow features are usually just shallow themselves so it's a good fit when two of those kind end up together. It is a strong reminder to me to strive to be this kind of person and to look outside of myself more often.

The third piece of advice was about not conforming to what society says your life should be. That, people who made the rules of "life" are no smarter than you are and that you can build your own life. I hope that I can implement this in my life so much more. I will admit that I am easily fearful about trying anything out of the box because I like the safety net of following the rules. I know that if I do A and B I will get to C. However, that doesn't mean I can't or shouldn't chase my dreams as I see fit. There are so many things I want to do with my life and I would hate to look back and think that I had chickened out at the end of it. It reminds me of the Four Agreements which talks about how everyone is living their own version of a dream of life. That, if we can pull ourselves out of the negative mindset, that life can change completely.

I loved this speech more than the person who gave it. It was a good wake up call for what I already knew, but it was much needed and truly an inspiration. I am already going to start working on my new and updated bucket list. To be honest, my bucket list from when I was a teenager is mostly accomplished. As I grow as a person, I hope that I can incorporate my dreams into my life and also have a family. Honestly, that is one of our biggest dreams right now that we are holding out on. We can't wait to be parents. The time, however, is just not right and we want to be in a better place financially (at least as much as we can control) before we make that commitment.

Honeymoon Memories

I keep dreaming about being in Mexico. To be honest, our honeymoon feels like more of a dream. It was honestly amazing though. Our wedding night we stayed at Anniversary Inn in Salt Lake City and  it was definitely an "experience". By the time we got there it was 10:00 at night and I just remember thinking that we were in the wrong place. It definitely looks more like an old creepy house than a romantic hotel. However, we were up for the adventure. Our room was the hayloft but besides the general decor it didn't really feel like being in one lol. We snuck in bubble bath and acted like children by making a huge mountain of bubbles and I scarfed food down since I hadn't been able to eat at the whole wedding. Despite just being married, we were still acting like the goofs we were and spending time as best friends. I won't get into any more details about that night, but the next morning I just remember how freaking cold the room was and how exhausted we were. Our flight departed at 7:30am the next day so we had to get up super early to catch the cab to the airport. I don't think we even were able to try the famous cheesecake that morning, but breakfast was pretty good.

Anyway, we finally made it to the airport and it really wasn't all that stressful to be honest. I've flown a few times. We did lose our bubble bath due to it being the value size (lol) going through airport security but otherwise it was pretty painless. The flight from Salt Lake City to Denver was extremely quick and then we had an hour wait in Denver. This is when we started to discover that our travel agent had not booked our seats together. So for every part of our flights (return trip as well) we had to wait in line and try to trade seats with someone. The flight from Denver to Cancun was also pretty fast but mostly because I was so exhausted I slept on Kyle most of the time. The first thing we noticed when we arrived in Cancun was the instant wave of humidity. I had been wearing a sweater on the plane and immediately I was in the regret stage ha ha. It took us about an hour and a half to get to our hotel with our transportation. It was interesting to get offered beer while a car was in motion and we were able to meet two other newlywed couples. They all wanted to talk about their weddings, but I was ready to just enjoy the honeymoon at that point and forget about all of the stressful details.

Our hotel was amazing. Probably the nicest one on all of the stops we made. We got checked in and then went to see our room. The room had a lounge area, balcony, and a really nice bathroom. Definitely the nicest hotel room I've ever had. While we were waiting for our luggage, we went to eat at the buffet. The food down there wasn't amazing,  but we quickly learned what was good and what wasn't. Kyle also learned that even in Mexico you have to wear a shirt to go eat. We also booked our meals for the week for the fancier restaurants.  We discovered our love for hammocks as well. Multiple nights we laid in a hammock and just talked and cuddled and were amazed at the fact that we were in fact finally married. 

The next day we booked our excursions for the week as well and were happy to find out that we would be swimming with Dolphins that afternoon. :) Swimming with dolphins was quite the experience. It was so amazing to be that close to something that I had really only see from afar at seaworld. The best part was that the dolphin would only turn on it's back for me. I was able to rub her belly twice and she would not do that for the boys. I truly felt connected to this amazing creature. We were also able to experience something really cool called a foot push where two dolphins push you through the water using their noses on your feet. The only downside to that experience was that when we went to buy the photos it was $170 to get our photos. I was amazed at how outrageous that price was, but I was still sucker enough to pay for it. After all, it was a once in a lifetime experience.

Tuesday was one of our down days and we spent a lot of time at the adult pools and beach. We rented a waverunner for the ocean and that was also an amazing experience. I was excited as I was when I was a little kid. We also tried snorkeling which was interesting, but very claustrophobic considering the humidity. That night was our first sit-down meal at the french restaurant. This was definitely our favorite meal. We tried escargot (snail) for the first time which looked disgusting but was delicious. Our waiter was so awesome that he kept telling us he would bring us new things if we didn't like our first choices. Our first choices, however, were amazing.

Wednesday was our 10 hour excursion to Coba and then a mayan village. Coba was definitely the cultural experience I was looking for. We were able to learn a lot about the history as well as some of the customs that were practiced. We rented bikes and biked around all of the different ruins. It was honestly something that I would compare to riding mopeds in Italy. After that visit, we went to another area were we were able to canoe through a lagoon, hike through a jungle, witness a purification ceremony, and then swim in a cenote. The cenote was cold and it scared me to be honest lol. The water was so clear that you could see the rocks in the bottom and they always looked like you were going to run into them. After the cenote, we made our way to a zip line area where we got to experience our first time. It was a pretty fun experience. :) After that, we made our way to a mayan village where we were prepared some awesome delicious food. We also took tequila shots after the meal. I hate shots, but when in rome right? I must say that tequila is much better in Mexico. We also bought pictures from that excursion but they were a lot cheaper at about $70. Memories apparently are very expensive but it was for a good cause. We also were able to rappel off of a cliff (don't look mom!) and did another zip line which was also fun.

Thursday was another relaxation day on the beach and at the pools. We also did a lot of shopping in between (mostly because we loved the air conditioning in the stores). We rode giant water tricycles which actually made me pretty sick lol. That night we ate at the Mediterranean restaurant which was pretty good. I had caviar for the first time which wasn't really as exciting as I thought it would be. The Lobster was also amazing. 

Friday was our day for horseback riding. As much as I love riding horses, we were pretty miserable. It was extremely hot and we hadn't needed bug spray our whole trip so we skipped out on that. HUGE mistake. I probably had 30 bites just from our two hour ride. I was literally swinging my camera at them to get them off my legs. I picked a more stubborn horse which was kind of fun and Kyle got in trouble because he kept letting his horse stop and eat. Lol, it was a very fun experience though. Friday, we got a little tipsy and decided to check out the dance club which didn't last very long. Apparently, the club scene in Mexico isn't all that exciting.

Saturday, was our last day and also involved a lot of beach and relaxation time. We also got hit with some amazing thunderstorms. Before going out to the Italian restaurant that night, we spent a lot of time on our balcony just watching the rain pour down. We also though we saw some type of critter on the ground so we kept throwing peanuts to it trying to get it to come out ha ha.   The Italian food was very good, but by that point we were both pretty exhausted from our trip. We walked from one hotel to the other in the rain and it was super relaxing and peaceful. There were a lot of weddings that had to be moved indoors due to the rain and we decided that even if we had gotten married in Mexico we still could've had stress. It was so nice to just be together.

Sunday was our day to travel again. I was sad to be leaving but oh so excited to be home with my puppies again. Traveling home from Mexico was very stressful as our first flight was delayed due to thunderstorms at the airport shutting down the fuel tanks. We were an hour behind with only an hour and a half layover in Denver. We literally ran onto the plane to make it in time. It felt like that scene in home alone where everyone is running through the airport. We made it home that night though and it was good to be back home.

To sum it up, our honeymoon was amazing. I literally have a dream at least once a week about being in the ocean with Kyle or being back in Mexico. We will definitely go back one day because the price is so great for everything you get there and the climate it amazing. It was definitely a great way to start off our journey as husband and wife and I will probably have these memories for the rest of our lives. 

Wedding Day

From October 13, 2012 to our wedding day on June 22, 2013 life was extremely busy and for the most part fun. The real stress of everything coming together didn't kick in until the last month or so when I realized just how close it was and also how much we didn't have done yet. I never pictured myself being the type of girl to worry about little details, but I really wanted our wedding to be two things:

1) I wanted it to be beautiful, romantic, and memorable.
2) I wanted everything to be able to have a really good time.

Our initial wedding budget was set for $5,000 and boy did we find out quick how that was not going to cover even close to what we were going to need to pull it off. We probably spent about $20,000 including the honeymoon which was $4,000. It's not that anything was necessarily over the top (okay, maybe a little), but we definitely didn't find a cheap way to do most things. I will say that we saved a lot of money on the catering because of my amazing Mom. I couldn't ask for a more selfless Mom and she really was there for me every step of the way. Besides cooking 120 lbs of pulled pork, she was at every appointment and calmed me down whenever I was stressing or worried that people just didn't care.

Now, since I got sick in 2008 my biggest fear about getting married was that I would be too sick to enjoy it. However, since I started my medication last year I haven't had one really bad attack. Lucky me, that streak was broken on my wedding day. I'd say it was 40% bad luck, 50% stress, and 10% punishment from God lol. The actual day of the wedding wasn't overly stressful. It felt hectic because there was a lot to do, but for the most part things were running fairly smoothly. However, I could feel the stress and anticipation building. I think I hit my peak when I found out that my photographer wasn't there when the ceremony was already running 15 minutes late. I didn't have a bridezilla meltdown, but I had to sit down from the stress of it.

The ceremony was interesting to say the last. Another goofy fear of mine was tripping over my dress which, ta da, came true. It wasn't that I necessarily tripped, but I was used to being able to hold it when I walked and I wasn't able to do that. Was it movie like? No. But I was able to laugh it off and focus on what really mattered: my husband and I. Another fun part about the ceremony was that I was facing directly into the sun. Oh, the things you don't even think about! It's funny because I was pretty emotional when I was waiting for everything to start, but I really was so focused on getting my vows right that I didn't get emotional during the actual ceremony.  To be honest, the whole ceremony felt surreal and it was over really quick. There were some things we would've changed if we could've (more religious than we were hoping), but overall we became husband and wife so we were happy. :) Anyway, my attack really didn't hit me until after the ceremony during pictures. The stress of the ceremony was gone (yay, time for fun) and for some reason that is when my body decided to get sick. It was incredibly upsetting to me at the time and I was so angry that it had to be that day. Looking back now, I see it as part of the journey.

So, because of being sick, the reception was more difficult to say the least. I didn't eat/drink anything the entire time because I continued to get sick even without food on my stomach. I kept having to randomly leave and there was no way I was going to be able to follow the preset schedule we had planned. Basically, when I felt okay, is when we did our dances, cake cutting, etc. Towards the end, I did calm down enough to let loose and to dance a little, but I was pretty wiped out from being sick.

Honestly, my favorite part of the night was finally being able to leave and knowing I was going to get to crash at the hotel with Kyle and eat tons of food ha ha. Despite all the struggles of the night, I honestly can look back at our wedding with joy and to be able to remember the fun memories. I've joked with Kyle that we are never getting divorced because I don't want to get married again ha ha. I don't regret a thing or how much money we spent. Everything was beautiful and i really do think that people had a great time. I was able to really see who is there for me in my life and I am honestly so grateful for all of the love and support we have in our lives; it is amazing. The most important thing to me is that I finally married my best friend and I couldn't be happier now that all the stress of planning the wedding is over with. Although I got sick, I still managed to survive and that is something I never thought I could do even a couple of years ago.

So, here is to a lifetime of happiness with my best friend. I couldn't have picked a better man. :)

This made every stress instantly better. :)

My Dad giving me away.

Finally made it to the alter.

Vow time.

My sweet husband.

Finally... the best part ha ha.

My new parents. 

My amazing parents. :)

Big family.. and this is only part of them.

Acting like dudes...

Acting like chicks.. ha ha

I was insanely jealous of this picture.. lol

Attitude

Daddy daughter dance...

Our first dance...

Love dancing with him now...

My big brother and his amazing girlfriend Jasmine <3 td="">

The photobooth we had at our wedding.. fun to fit my dress into ha ha

My amazing grandparents...

We love to swing dance.

My two best friends. 

The raptor...

Getting my baby snuggling time in... 

My beautiful mom and amazing brother..

Finally out of the 10 lb dress... and into my leaving dress... 

Leaving to spend our first night as husband and wife. <3 td="">

Turning to Nature Instead

Kyle and I were married on June 22nd this year. It was amazing and maybe I will post a more detailed post some time about it.. but for now I'd rather focus on the present.

I've decided to hold off on drinking for 30 days to get more healthy and to take better care of myself. I also want to be able to find positive and healthy activities to do besides bar hopping. ;) Not that it's not fun to go out, but eventually it starts to become exhausting. I made the mistake of drinking around people that I can't trust and it made me realize that I need to be a lot more careful and choose more wisely because at this age I really don't care for the drama anymore.

This weekend, we went hiking Friday night after work and Saturday as well. It was so nice to just get out and above all of the daily crap. We took the puppies to dog lake on Saturday and it was a perfect day for a hike. It was completely overcast, only about 70 degrees, and it even sprinkled rain for a little while. It was so nice. Laila, as her usual self, had to greet every person that came her way and Mickey had to defend us from every possible dog on our path. He is such a shit, but so cute. We met a fellow weenie and Laila and Mickey were both super friendly.. apparently my dogs know their own kind. It was about a 6 mile hike and I was proud to accomplish it. When we got to the top Kyle threw Mickey and Laila into the lake and although they hated it they are very good swimmers.

Right now we are just enjoying life being married and not being stressed planning a wedding. Our only goals right now are to enjoy our time together and to get as much debt paid off as possible. It will take a little bit longer with Kyle having to pay for school now, but with his new promotion we are finally stepping into a position where we can pay a lot of stuff down. We are hoping to plan a trip to Italy next year and possibly a fun trip to Disneyland during October this year. :)

Maybe one day I will stop avoiding writing and go back to it. Maybe. But for now, I'm just taking it one day at a time.