Memories with Charli: First Month

Here are some of the things I remember from Charli's first month. :)

1. I remember the day we left the hospital; it was super warm outside. I felt like that nicer weather was meant for me because I have always hated snow. How perfect was it that I had a winter baby and it felt like spring leaving? Charli was really good in the car even though we had to stop at walgreens to pick up medication for mom. Dad cleaned the house and slept while mom spent a lot of time trying to breastfeed. My parents brought over homemade spaghetti that night.

2. We had  a lot of visitors initially with a lot of food. It was super helpful in the beginning since we had a lot of adjusting to get used to a newborn.

3. The lack of sleep was probably the most difficult: baby needed to eat every two hours and would sometimes nurse up to 45 minutes at a time. We would put Charli in her co sleeper and she would just stare at us instead of sleeping. We experimented a lot with sleep. First, Charli started in a co sleeper.. then she actually slept with us. Eventually she moved to a rock and play since she liked sleeping propped up. She was really good at sleeping in the car or while Dad held her while doing chores around the house. Charli loved taking naps with mom and dad and loved her pacifier.

4. Breastfeeding was really a struggle. I didn't know that Charli wasn't getting enough milk from me initially. She was super fussy and had trouble latching so Kyle would have to walk around with her and soothe her before I could try again. I remember staying up late dancing with her to try and calm her down. Charli had a lot of doctor's appointments to track her weight in the beginning. Finally, I went to a lactation specialist when I found out you were not transferring enough milk. At this point, I was so exhausted that we switched Charli to half formula and half breast milk. I no longer trusted my body though so any breast milk she got was from pumping so I could track how much she was eating. I really hated losing that connection with her that I had with breastfeeding but I really wanted to make sure that she was fed and it had been a long 3 weeks watching her not gain weight. Charli stayed on half and half until about 6 weeks. At this time she was having tummy troubles so we switched you to hypoallergenic formula. Mom was worried about her milk affecting Charli when the new formula worked so well.

5. Mom and Dad initially watched a ton of episodes of Lost. We did get stir crazy and take Charli to the zoo where she slept the entire time. She was pretty scowly and only smiled in her sleep or when she had gas. We tried really hard to catch her smiles on camera and kept missing it. Charli started to like baths but didn't really like her swing at first. She had constant hiccups just like in the womb. We had some pretty intense diaper changes in the beginning that made us laugh in our sleep deprived states.
Dad went back to work at two weeks.

6. Mom was super emotional over everything. She cried watching Charli's newborn slideshow from the hospital because she thought her baby was so beautiful. Mom actually really missed being pregnant.

7. Mickey initially growled at Charli but become very attached and Laila liked Charli but was mostly not even interested.

Charli's going home outfit.

Wide awake while mom and dad are trying to sleep ha ha.

Charli's epic scowl.

Mom and Charli snuggling.

Memories with Charli: Recovery in the Hospital

So, I thought it would be a good idea to have some memory posts here and there because I realized I am already forgetting little details about Charli's first months. I want to be able to share a least some of what I remember with her and I want to document this journey for myself.

This first one is what Kyle and I remember from our recovery time in the hospital with her.

1. Charli came out screaming initially (super strong lungs!) but immediately calmed down when she was skin to skin with mommy. Dad and Grandma both cried when Charli was born. Mom was too excited and happy that baby was finally here to cry. The nurses had to rub her back to make her cry and clear her lungs out more. Dad cut the cord and Mom asked to see the placenta. Charli never once left our side in the recovery room because her apgar score was so good. Mommy held Charli skin to skin while she was getting stitched up and eventually asked for a diaper for her since she started to pass gas ha ha. Daddy was next to hold Charli, but Mom held her while she was being moved from delivery to recovery room.

2. Dad was too excited to sleep in the hospital and probably only slept a total of 45 minutes in the first couple of days. Charli liked to be held and rocked to sleep. Loved laying skin to skin with Mom and falling asleep while nursing. Dad was so excited that he woke Mom up when the baby got hiccups because he thought it was so cute. Mom didn't sleep very well due to nursing baby on demand and being checked on so frequently. Mom was super excited to finally be able to sleep on her stomach again.

3. Dad helped the nurse with the first bath in the hospital and did the first diaper change. Mom was more timid but jumped in with diaper changes. Her first time changing Charli's diaper was exciting because baby was not done pooping yet. Baby was rarely in her crib in the hospital and never left the room without Dad except for one time when she was taken to get weighed and only because he was asleep and Dad didn't know she had left.

4. Nurses came in every 20-30 minutes to check on Mom or Charli. Charli kept losing her identification bands off her legs. Luckily, she had an adhesive strip on her leg that stayed in place. Mom and Dad liked taking walks around the hospital with the baby. Mom lived off of pretty good food; Dad had to eat mom's left overs or snack on chex mix.

5. Grandma and Grandpa brought Mom and Dad movies to watch together since it was valentine's day. Mom and Dad were too tired to watch the movies. Charli had pictures taken in the hospital and wanted to have her cute hands near her face the entire time.

6. Baby's blood was drawn and she barely even fussed. Charli also had a hearing test that she passed with flying colors. Mom and Dad recorded goofy sleep deprived videos while in the hospital.

7. Mom thought Charli had the most perfectly shaped head ever. She also discovered that Charli had back dimples and was super excited. Every doctor that looked at Charli said she looked perfect.

8. Charli had a lot of visitors in the hospital and Mom was a little overwhelmed since she was pretty sore and tired from giving birth and was trying to learn to breastfeed Charli.

9. Mom struggled to get Charli to latch while breastfeeding but was super calm and patient in the hospital. Nurses would come in looking worried because the baby was crying and Mom was calm. Usually by that point baby was breastfeeding and had calmed down. Mom spent some time talking to one of her nurses late at night because of this. Dad tried to make friends with each nurse when shifts would change.

10. When mom left the hospital, she thought it was crazy that just 9 months earlier she had been in the hospital getting her gall bladder removed and feeling like she would never have a baby due to finding cysts on her ovaries. She remembered seeing the tiny footprints on the floor and feeling like it would never be her time. She shared this story with the nurse who brought her to her car. The day we left the hospital it was super warm for February.

The picture I used to announce Charli's arrival. I didn't announce her birth until 10 pm on the day she was born.

Dad holding Charli.

We spent Valentine's Day in the hospital with our baby girl. One of our first family photos.

I seriously thought she had the most perfectly shaped head ever. I love her hairline.

Her chubby little legs and the bands that kept falling off of them.

Charli's name tag in the hospital. :)

Becoming a Mom.

Becoming a mom is nothing like I imagined it would be. I guess when I pictured having a child, I pictured them older and spending time with them, teaching them, etc. I pictured them at a more interactive stage where I could better communicate with them. I also knew that it would be exhausting and difficult to raise a baby, but I think it was purely a vague sense of what was to come.

The fact is that if you have never raised a baby or child, it is an absolute shock to your system when you finally meet your baby. The hospital allows for a gradual transition (mostly because I had nurses taking care of me so I could take care of my baby) but it is short lived. Plus, those first few days you are on an insane high like nothing you have ever experienced. That high is what made very little sleep in two days not really matter and why I couldn't take my eyes off of my baby the entire time. Before you know it you are checking out and you are kind of wondering why the people there trust you to take care of something so amazing and fragile.

Then you go home and are immediately you are placed into sleep deprivation and hormone hell. Everything hurts, you are exhausted, and although you love your baby you are kind of wondering when their real mom is going to show up because you just don't see how you could be a mom. You get a ton of visitors who are super helpful and you try to pretend you are confident and holding it together when it's just not the reality at all. At least for me, that is how it was. I feel like in a sense I had to grieve my freedom especially when it came to sleep. I had to grieve my previous mental state and let go and try to take it one day at a time. I had to give myself a break on days when I didn't feel perfect and even now, hard days still will happen.. but I know they are just a day and that they aren't a permanent state.

At 7 weeks post partum (tomorrow), I am just starting to feel like a mom. I am just starting to feel like I understand my baby and her quirks, her cries, what she likes, what she doesn't, etc. I am just starting to clear myself out from hormone hell and starting to get sleep. Compared to when she was first born, I feel like a completely different person. And I finally feel truly bonded to my baby.. I have always loved her, but I actually am growing quite fond of this little person who sucks up all my time and energy. It's funny because I look forward to getting a break, but when I finally do get one all I think about is my baby and how she is doing and how amazing she is. I hear my baby crying all the time even when she isn't. I think it is nature's way of keeping me focused on her ha ha. And then, at 4 am when I can't get her to go back to bed and I think I am at the end of my rope… she gives me the biggest grin and none of the stress matters. Every little thing she does is amazing to me and I am loving watching her grow and change.

Becoming a parent is by far the hardest challenge I have ever taken on, but so far it has been the most rewarding and I know that it is only going to get better and better. I know that me and her are going to be close because even now she will find my voice, search for me, and give me the biggest smiles. I finally understand why my parents seemed crazy at times, because being a parent truly makes you that way. Every day I will strive to do my best for her and one day I will look back on this time and truly miss it. I already miss the initial newborn stage even though it felt insanely hard as I experienced it.

Charli at 3 days vs. 7 weeks

The strength I feel now compared to before she was born is amazing. Things that used to stress me out are no more because I know what I am capable of now and I know what I can do. I know that she was meant for me and I can't wait to show her how amazing life really is. 

Lessons from Post Partum

I had my baby girl 18 days ago and already I have learned so much. So I thought I would share some of  my insight.

1. Postpartum is really hard but me telling you that won't fully prepare you until you experience it. It is exhausting and the hormones are unbelievable. However, it does get much better after the first couple of weeks.

2. Breastfeeding is way more difficult than any class will lead you to believe. I do believe it can/will get better, but establishing a pattern and getting all the kinks worked out is exhausting. Plus, as soon as you think you have it all figured out you will discover that you don't.. which is where I am at right now.

3. You are not a bad mom if you can't breastfeed or choose not to. As much as we all have ideals, every situation is going to be different and every baby and mom is going to be different. It's okay if you have to make the best decisions for your own situation.

4. Sleep is amazing and is very much missed. I don't think I will get a full night's rest for a while now and I consider a few 3 hour naps to be amazing because that really is the perfect night right now.

5. Diaper changes can be one of the most exciting things ever.. especially when your baby decides to have a blow out mid diaper change. The best part about this is that the lack of sleep will make this the most hilarious thing to you ever at 2 a.m. and you will laugh like a little school girl.

6. Everyone will have advice and an opinion about every decision you make. Your baby will have the most say 90% of the time and will dictate most of your decisions whether you like it or not.

7. People no longer see you as an individual. You are now forever "insert baby name here" 's Mom. You will suddenly have a lot more visitors, but it's all about your little one. Take advantage of it.

8. Pregnancy brain was bad, but having a newborn is the most distracting thing ever. I am constantly worried about every little need and if she is okay that I really don't feel like I have the capacity to accomplish much of anything else. A quick trip to the grocery store turns into amnesia from hell where I can't remember a 5 item list because I am trying to make sure people don't run into my cart with the baby in it.

8. Days fly by and revolve around baby's schedule. A break from work is not down time.. it's pure survival time and trying to establish a schedule.

9. Every new thing that your baby does will amaze you. Does it matter that she may have just had gas and not really been smiling at me? Nope.

10. The love you have for your child will not compare to anything else. There is nothing like it and I finally understand why my parents seemed a little crazy. Being a parent makes you a little crazy and the worry never goes away.

Rocking the bib because she is super messy with a bottle and mom doesn't want to do laundry every five seconds ha ha

Bath time.. she is still deciding whether or not she should embrace it. She did pee in the tub though so that was fun.

Tummy time. 

Chilling after her bath in her swing.. she has a mini mohawk.. 

What are lessons that you learned in post partum?

Charli's Newborn Pictures

We had Charli's newborn pictures taken last Saturday when she was 8 days old. She is going to look really cute in these, but just know that obtaining these types of pictures is not easy. At all. I have to give major props to the photographers at fotofly who do this nonsense all day long.

I loved this little outfit. Her headband had to be pinned back because it was too big for her head though ha ha. I love that she always has her hands near her face like this.

I knew that I would have a blonde mostly bald baby despite the hours of heartburn I suffered while pregnant.

The sash she is wearing is from my maternity pictures. This was a pinterest idea.

I love her tiny little features. Luckily she doesn't have her mama's big ears yet.. but time will tell. She did get her mama's chubby cheeks though.

Stubborn baby wouldn't keep her eyes closed.. that's okay though because I love her eyes.

This was by far my favorite picture. She is so grumpy and I love it.

She always looks serious when she is awake like this. She smiles in her sleep though. 

My love holding my world in his hands.

Love her tiny little baby feet. Funny enough this was one of the most difficult pictures because she hated having her feet wrapped like that.

I love my baby girl.. please stay little for as long as possible. <3 br="">

Charli's Birth Story

I had planned on my baby being late my entire pregnancy. I knew that if I kept this plan that I would stay more patient and not get upset if I went overdue. So, at 36 weeks, when my doctor checked me and told me that I was already starting to dilate I was shocked. I knew that it didn't necessarily guarantee that she would be early but I truly felt like she would be at that point. I remember telling people that it would be awesome if she was born on Friday the 13th and that was the date that I had kept in my head.

At 37 weeks, we went in for an ultrasound and found out she was already measuring about 7 lbs. This was just another sign to me that this baby wasn't going to stay in much longer. I felt like she was meant to come early so that I could actually deliver her without a c section. I declined getting checked that week because I knew there was no guarantee and I didn't want to get myself psyched up for nothing.

Tuesday the 10th of February I went in for my 38 week check up. I had been losing a lot of my mucus plug that day so I was hopeful that I was diated more than a 1 like I had been at 36 weeks. I found out I was 3 cm and 70% effaced and was feeling pretty crampy that day. That night I went home, walked 2 miles, and started having contractions that were pretty far apart. We ended up in labor and delivery that night because our baby wasn't meeting her kick counts and I was worried the contractions were putting her under stress. Of course as soon as we got there she started to have hiccups. It was a long uncomfortable hour of being hooked up to machines and I was sent home that night.

 The next day I had contractions pretty consistently all day long that were 5-8 minutes apart. I didn't feel safe going to work and I was pretty uncomfortable so I stayed at home all day. Once again, we went into L&D that night because surely after having them that long we had to be getting closer and i was honestly exhausted from being in pain all day. They told me to walk around the hospital for an hour and that they would recheck me and admit me if there was progress. We made a valiant effort and walked and clilmbed stairs the entire hour but unfortunately i was still at a 3, 80% effaced now, and the baby was at -2 station. So we were sent back home again.. this time with a morphine shot so I could finally sleep. 

I was pretty bummed out on Thursday because I didn't feel any consistent contractions all day. I was convinced that I was going to be in pain for weeks before the baby finally came. My mom decided to keep me company and took me over to her house. I decided to relax on a yoga ball and do some hip circes to work on bringing the baby down. At about 6pm I started to get some pretty intense contractions but they were still only 5-7 minutes apart. Although they were pretty intense I was convinced that it would be another long night of early but non progressive labor so I went home and took a bath and tried to relax. By 10 pm I was having trouble keeping myself calm and was feeling quite a bit of pain in both of my hips that was a lot different than before. My husband tried to relax me and told me they weren't intense enough to go to the hospital. I finally put my foot down at 10:45 and said that we had to go in because I was done dealing with it at home and I didn't think it could get any worse. I texted my mom and told her it was probably a waste of time but that we were going back in to labor and delivery. At this point, I felt like a crazy person.

The whole car ride there was pretty intense as was making it to triage. I just remember really hating all the bumps on the road ha ha. When the nurse hooked me up to the monitor I was surprised how quickly my contractions were coming. The nurse checked me and told me that I was still a 3 cm, 90% effaced, but that baby was at 0 station. I was panicking thinking they were going to send me home but was told that if I was planning on medication that they would admit me since my doctor was already there for the night. By this point I had already decided that I was going to get an epidural as I wanted to enjoy the birth and to be able to be in the moment. 

I was admitted and by 11:30 had my epidural. The epidural was pretty uncomfortable but not painful. I think it freaked me out more because I knew it was being placed in my spine. Soon after my doctor came in to break my water and i wasn't too happy about that as i had wanted to wait until i was farther. There were a lot of things that I quickly became flexible on. I remember telling the doctor he needed to wait until my epidural kicked in first to break my water. Yeah, I didn't feel a thing. I slept as much as possible for two hours after that despite being really nervous and excited. I remember being super shakey and terrified i would have to get pitocin. My mom slept on the couch and Kyle sat in a chair and stared at me because he was so excited. I had my birth playlist on my headphones and dozed on and off to that. I remember that we could see another mama's contraction monitor throughout the night and we kept checking to see how she was doing. Her birth seemed a lot more difficult as she had to go on piton so watching her contractions was super interesting to us. 

At 2 am, I was checked and was at a five. I found out that I would not have to get pitocin so far and was pretty happy. I was told that i would get checked again in 2 hours to make sure everything was progressing again. By this point I was exhausted and spent alot of time sleeping especially because i could hear my baby's heart on the monitor which was so soothing. 

The hospital was really busy that night so the nurse didn't come back until 5:30 am. I was starting to feel odd pressure at abut 4 am but i figured i was just nervous or needed to go to the bathroom(ha ha!).. or I figured the baby was closer to arriving but I didn't want to get overly hopeful. The first thiing the nurse said when i was finally checked was, "woah, I need to go talk to your doctor..." ha ha, I was already at a 10.... something I was super happy about because once again I would get my wish of no pitocin. It was surreal finding out that I was so close to meeting my baby already and I had only been admitted for 6 1/2 hours. I found out I was running a fever and was then worried I would be forced to have antibiotics. luckly, my doctor decided we would just push through it since it was low grade and the baby looked great on the monitor.

We started pushing around 6 a.m. It was grueling, exhausting, and my epidural was starting to wear off on one side. Mid push it didn't bother me because I was so focused but in between contractions it was super painful on one side. My contractions were spacing out so pushing took quite a while… I was okay with that though. It was actually really relaxing despite what I was doing.. I just felt so at peace the whole entire process. I was really encouraged by my doctor and nurses and told that I was doing really well and the baby was moving as she should. At one point I was given oxygen while pushing. It was so surreal because I could feel the pressure of the baby and knew when she was starting to crown. I could also tell by how excited my husband and mom were that my baby girl was almost here.

It was scary because just before she came out the heart rate monitor started having issues and wasn't working... the doctor wasn't concerned but I wanted her out just in case. it was the most beautiful and surreal feeling when I felt the doctor pull her out of me and immediately she was placed on my stomach. She was born at 8:23 am on Friday the 13th (February 13th, 2015). My husband and mom were both in tears but I was so dang excited I just grinned ha ha. She was perfect, pink, and loud and suprisingly had hair. I remember being a proud mama at how loud and strong she sounded. Her apgar was a 9 so she was never even taken from me in the room. 

Although it wasn't the hypnobirth I planned on, my birth to me was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. Everyone told me I would probably have to have a c section but I believed in myself and my body did so well. She was not a tiny baby. She was 18 inches and 7 lbs 6.5 ozs. Unfortunately I did have an episiotomy and some minor tearing but I would do it all over again for her. I give hypnobirthing the credit for keeping me positive and happy even though my plans had changed quite drastically. I absolutely would choose to do it the same exact way because i really enjoyed my birth. 

32 Weeks, 4 Days

Time really is flying now. I feel like this baby could be here any day and all I can think of is my huge to do list that I have to complete first. So, I am honestly hoping that this baby is like me and is perfectly content staying comfortable and cozy because I need all the time I have left.

I am 32 weeks and 4 days today and I and struggling to get comfortable in my own body quite a bit now. It amazes me what simple movements we take for granted until they are gone. Getting out of bed, taking a bath, bending over for pretty much anything are all exhausting challenges now. I am also quite aware of how short my torso is since I am pretty sure I have a foot permanently hooked into my rib cage at all times now. That to do list I have? It's a lot more difficult because mentally I am going but 20 minutes into anything physical I am exhausted.

It's all worth it though. Any time I don't feel good, I just remind myself how amazing it is that my body can do what it is doing and what the end result is going to be. I am happy that I am getting bigger because it means baby is healthy and strong.

Friday, we had some maternity pictures taken. We weren't going to but I'm glad we did because I honestly love being able to capture all the amazing chapters and milestones that we are going through. I wore heels in some of the pictures and my legs were dying having to hold poses. I honestly feel beautiful at this stage of pregnancy though. Not sure if that will change by the end of it.. but I love my belly despite the fact that it is now in my way all the time.

Charli, you are already so loved and adored. Your daddy and I already love getting to interact with you as you stick your butt and foot out of my belly. We can't wait to meet you!

Happy Birthday Kyle.

To My Amazing Husband,

I know you don't like necessarily like cards but I couldn't let your birthday pass by without telling you how I feel. I know that I tell you I love you all the time, but sometimes I really don't think you understand how much I appreciate you and how glad I am that you are in my life. I don't think you understand that each and every day with you is an absolute gift and that I don't regret a single moment or day with you. You are hands down my favorite person in the entire world and I am so glad that you came into this world when you did. I am so glad that I happened to stumble upon meeting you when I probably wasn't supposed to and I'm so incredibly glad that I took a chance on me and you because it was the best chance I ever took... I truly believe you are my soul mate and I wouldn't want to be experiencing all the amazing things in my life if I couldn't experience them with you.

Honestly, one of my favorite memories with you to look back on is any time we have been to the ocean together. Every time we go, you are the first into the water and you don't even hesitate. You run straight in without any fear because you are so dang excited. And every single time.. I hesitate to get into the water. Not because I don't love the ocean; quite the opposite and you know that. But because it's cold. However, my favorite memories are when I choose to run in with you because it is so much fun and we have had some of the goofiest memories just playing in the waves together. That was one of the most healing and amazing parts of our cruise to Mexico. When we finally found that beach and just ran in.. I think that's when I realized that everything was going to be okay because I had you by my side. This is just one example of how you brighten and enrich my life. Your willingness to embrace life makes me a better person on a continual basis and I don't think my life would be this amazing if I didn't have you as a constant example of how to let go and just live in the moment.

I couldn't be more proud to call you my husband and to have you as a daddy to our daughter.  I know that you are going to teach her so many things and that you are going to love her just as much as you love me. So, my sweet husband, I love you.. but that is not all I wanted you to know today. I am so happy that you were born, but I wanted you to get a little glimpse of just why I am.

Due Date, Dates, and Mixed Feelings

Yesterday was a mixed feelings kind of day. It was the due date of the baby that we lost in early March this year. To be honest and hopefully without sounding like a jerk, I expected to be more sad and down. I wasn't though. I was happy because I had been sick all week and was finally feeling a little bit better. I was happy because work was busy and went by fast, happy because every little kick I feel now is a reminder of the life I have growing in me now.

I'm not sure what I believe about miscarriages or mine in particular when it comes to spirituality. I'm not sure if that baby is forever lost or if that baby came back. I'm not sure if I'm a mom to two children or just one. I'm not sure if Charli is the same spirit that didn't take in March due to having an imperfect body. I'm just not sure. Part of not having a belief in religion means that I have to come up with these answers for myself and it can make my head spin if I think about it too much.

I think, regardless of what the answer is, that I am doing okay. Sometimes I will get hit with waves of grief, but for the most part I am doing much better than I was back then. It is harder to avoid when I am currently pregnant because I think of what I missed out on with that baby.. but I also know that I wouldn't have Charli if it wasn't for the miscarriage and I couldn't imagine not having her either. See why this is complicated? I feel like I am cheating on my first child that died in a sense and that's certainly not my intent. I don't mean to forget about that first baby and I doubt I ever will, but I am happy with what is going on now.

I also feel like things happened when they did for a reason. I was very ill in May when I had to have my gallbladder removed and who knows what would have happened if I had still been pregnant then. Maybe I lost that first baby so early to spare the pain of losing it much later in the pregnancy. Maybe life is going exactly the way it should.

I decided I would like to work on a pregnancy book for Charli. Something to keep all her ultrasound pictures in and to talk about what we felt at each stage. I don't know if it's something I'll show her when she is super young or not, but I do know that when she gets older I want her to know how much we loved and worried for her from the very beginning. I don't necessarily feel worry now… at least not like I used to. Now, I am more just excited to meet her. Last night we went and saw the Maze Runner and it was such a stressful movie. It was hard enough because it was suspenseful so I would get stressed out and then right in the middle of it Charli would kick me out of nowhere and scare the crap out of me. I love when her kicks freak me out. I love every single one, but sometimes they catch me off guard. I can't wait to see how her personality is when she's born and if it's the same personality that I sense with her while pregnant.

Happy Updates

I really need to get better about blogging. I don't feel like I can write very well anymore and I think it is because I became a scientist. In middle school and high school I learned to write with fluff, to extend my sentences, to make them into poetry. Then, I got to college and every time I didn't get straight to the point I got docked on essays and lab write ups. So, I learned how to write very directly. Like this. I do want to have more practice though and I really do want to have at least some memories written down because I enjoy going back and seeing them. I also have had to learn to write when I am not depressed which also doesn't ever feel very poetic but it's not about being poetic. It's not about making a statement and being different (ego mindset). It's about being me and being real.. even if that means that life is going great.

I think that most people would know that my life is in full baby mode right now. I know that may seem annoying for some (especially with fertility struggles.. and I've been there) but it is hard to not have this baby be our priority already. This baby has yet to make her arrival and already the capacity of love I have for her is unreal. To me, I am already a mother. I already worry about her, constantly. I finally get why my parents were so crazy because it's a worry that will never go away as long as I am alive. 

This last week, baby girl was abnormally quiet. I would feel little jabs here and there, but compared to how I have felt her… she was very very quiet. The first few days I didn't worry because she has her active and lazy days.. but by day 5 I was losing it. I was so down and depressed and even though logically I knew that things were okay (I was still getting some movement), I was starting to lose it. Thursday morning I woke up and had pretty much decided I was going to go to the doctors that day and at least get a heartbeat and make sure she wasn't in distress. As soon as I sat down to eat breakfast, I got like 15 kicks in a row and realized that she was fine. Little stinker, waiting until the last minute. Since then she has been CRAZY active. I am pretty sure she was going through a growth spurt or something because it has been non stop and the kicks have been so strong since then. We actually caught one on video last night. :) and she was able to give her dad a good kick to his beak lol. The only downside to her activity is it makes me lazy because all I want to do is lay around and watch and feel her move.

My goal this weekend is to finish putting her nursery furniture together. We still need to restain the glider and bookshelf but after that I will just need to get accessories as we get closer. I feel like I need to find a to do list of all the things you are supposed to do before baby gets here. I know we have 4 months but I also know how quickly that is going to go by with the holidays. Speaking of holidays.. I couldn't be more excited for them. Kyle finally scheduled some days off of work around Christmas so I will get 5 solid days in a row with him. He works his ass off and is constantly doing overtime so I can't wait to have our little family all together. I may have to go into work on one of those days for a while, but for the most part it will be amazing. My family has a lot of fun, dorky stuff planned too (tubing, christmas show, wii competitions, etc). Plus, I know that this baby is going to be even BIGGER by then. :) I love watching my belly grow and knowing that she is getting stronger and stronger.

I am honestly just feeling incredibly blessed all the time right now. I have an amazing husband, family, a roof over my head, and I love my new job (same company but i just transferred departments again). Life is so good and I couldn't ask for more.