Living with IBS

So, I am missing my first class. again. That's three weeks in a row. To be honest, I don't know how much I care. I love this class, actually, and I love the teacher but I am just running on empty lately. My health issues have increased extremely again and it's all that I can do just to make it through work every day. So if that means saving myself a few hours of time where I can relax and sleep then that's what I'll do. I'm five weeks away from graduating and I couldn't be any less motivated. I'll do it though because I certainly don't want to continue this work and school schedule.. it's really not that fun. I'll just have to push through as best as I can until it's over.

I'm sick of being sick all the time. I'm sick of being isolated and having no one to talk to about what I'm going through. I'm not angry with anyone because I know that four years ago I wouldn't have understood what I was about to go through. If someone had tried to talk to me about the same thing I wouldn't have known how to support them or known what to say. It doesn't mean it doesn't suck and it's doesn't mean that it's not extremely difficult to be a social outcast because of health issues that I have no control over. It doesn't mean that I am not exhausted, drained, and sometimes downright depressed because I feel that a huge part of my life has been taken away. Every time I look towards the future I see this disorder constantly getting in my way and making my life a living hell.

Having irritable bowel syndrome does not make me a gross, anti-social, or undeserving person in society. It just means that I have to work 10x harder then someone who is healthy to make it through a regular day. It just means that I can't eat whatever I want whenever I want. It means that I have to hide in a shell of discomfort all day long because I know that me discussing it with anyone is not socially acceptable. You know what though? I don't care anymore. I'm tired of being in pain and hurting. I'm tired of not getting to eat what I want and I'm tired of being hungry all the time. I'm tired of being angry with my body and hating myself because I can't just get better. I'm tired of being ashamed of who I am and living inside my own head because people don't get it. I'm tired of being afraid that people will judge me and see me as less of a person because I can't live the way everyone else does. I'm tired of losing friends because they just didn't bother to try to get to know what was really going on with me. I'm tired of the doctors that tell me it's all in my head and that it will go away and I'm extremely tired of all the doctors who are willing to give me a miracle cure for loads of money. I'm just tired beyond belief because I am 21 years old and my life should be a lot easier and care free then it is.

Just like anyone else who has any other type of disorder, disease, or illness.. I am still a person and I still deserve to be treated like everyone else. I still deserve to at least be given respect when I choose not to eat a typical unhealthy american diet or if I choose not to eat at all. I deserve at least that much. I would never judge someone for something that was out of their control and I would never make assumptions about someone without talking to them first. Maybe I've just learned these things because I am sick and I am isolated.

I guess I'm just done living in a generation that just doesn't seem to care about others outside themselves. And that is why I continue to just take care of me and those that are close to me. The rest of it is just all too shallow and I don't really feel like buying into all the bullshit anymore.

Moving on from all the negativity

It's really hard for me to feel positive feelings towards you and to be okay with all that you put me through when I find out that you are messing with my family. If I could, I would scream at you all over again. What the hell is wrong with you? You couldn't be anymore of a toxic person and when I find out what you have been doing I just fall deeper and deeper into not giving a crap about you. I guess I should be happy that you make it easy for me to realize I made the right choice letting you go. Now I know who I was with all along and I know I will never make that mistake again. Don't guilt trip me about not being your friend or for moving on too fast when you made it way too easy. Thank you, thank you, thank you for showing me your true colors in time for me to get the hell out. I couldn't be with a better person then I am now and I actually have a shot at a real future where I am not stressed out 24/7.

So I know I haven't been that great at updating. Sometimes it takes anger/pain to spark me into writing again. I've also been so busy with 15 hour days of work and school combined so when I have free time I'm usually passing out with Kyle. I hate being so busy when all I want to do is to do things that make me happy. I'd like to spend more time with Kyle's family because it's so rare to find people that are that genuine and amazing. I just gotta keep reminding myself that I will be done with school on December 7th (as long as I pass everything) and that after that life will be significantly easier. Hopefully by then, Kyle and I will be in our new house and finally be able to start building a future together. As stupid as it sounds, I can't wait to go pick out stupid things like bowls and cups together. I can't wait to go and pick out how we are going to decorate or to go grocery shopping with him and to argue over what kind of cereal to buy. Although I doubt we will because we seem to be pretty compatible about most things. I can't wait to put our yard in so that I can make a little garden and attempt to not kill plants lol. I just want my life to be more simple and care-free so that I can actually enjoy it.

I gave up on doctors for now. For a few reasons. The first: I'm not getting the results that I want. Although I think my last doctor had a great point, I know that I can't handle the type of work that he wants me to do right now. I don't want to relive negative things in my past. I finally got to the point where I don't make myself relive painful things constantly, so why would I work hard to get back there. I want to be happy and focus on what's happening now because my life is pretty good in the present. Second: it is extremely expensive to go to alternative doctors that don't take insurance. I'm trying to pay off my debt as much as possible and save up to buy stuff for a house. I don't have the money to throw $260 at a doctor that may or may not work. So, I'm just taking care of me the best I can because it is my responsibility alone to do so. Kyle is a huge help and I don't ever forget that, but i know that it's up to me to get through all of the issues i am experiencing. I just wish that I could trade in my type of pain for something more socially acceptable. Something that isn't so isolating because it would make life easier. I would take extreme pain anywhere else if it meant I could interact with people without having anxiety that I'll get sick.

So, that's what is going on right now. This weekend should be nice because I won't have to study as much so hopefully we'll do some fun halloween things and spend some time with his family.

Finding Balance

The hardest thing to find in life (at least for me lately) is balance. I'm learning to not hold on to emotions and to let them go, but at the same time I don't want to be overcome by it either. I've always learned to be strong and I thought that was my way of being above emotions but I realized it was a cop out. However, I have things to get done in life. I can't afford to face every problem on a daily basis. I've been trying to do so much and it's making me physically ill and exhausting me like crazy. So, I guess it's time to prioritize and decide what's worrying about and what's not.

As far as my last post.. it's not something I'm going to worry about anymore. I'm not even angry anymore to be honest. I've learned over and over in life that friendships are pretty temporary and that the only person you can truly rely on in life is you. If you can find happiness within yourself, the rest will fall into place. If people want to say things about me that's their own issue and it's not something that should affect me. I know who I am, I know what I am going through on a daily basis, and no one can make that decision for me. No matter what people will always have their opinions, but it's my choice if I react to it or not. So, I'm not going to. I'm just going to let it go because holding on to grudges in life is way too toxic.

I have 8 weeks left of utter exhaustion due to my school/work schedule. For normal healthy people it would be exhausting. For someone like me who is in physical pain 24/7 it is absolutely a test of will power. I'm doing it though and I'm not going to give up until I have my degree in hand. I just want to get financially stable so that my biggest worry in life isn't money. I want my biggest focus in life to be something as simple as finding a hobby that I love and creating relationships with people that are worth my time (especially with Kyle's family). I want to have my own family one day too, but I have got to get myself to a more healthy mindset at the very least before that can happen. I don't want to bring a child into this world if I can't even take care of myself; that's not fair.

I'm hopeful, but I'm also realistic in the fact that my future and my health is completely in my hands. I can wish and hope for whatever I want, but if I don't take the steps I need to take then my life will still stay the same. Life is about finding what makes you happy in life and then taking whatever steps you need to in order to achieve that happiness. You have to be willing to be truthful with yourself no matter what so that you don't "trick" yourself into thinking you are happy when you know very well that you are not. I did that for years and it only brought me intense hurt and pain.

So, my steps for now:

1) Graduate college (just get it out of the way so that I can focus on other aspects of my life)
2) Move out
3) Practice meditation/yoga - get good at centering my mind and my body
4) Find a hobby/passion that I can do when I'm not working
5) Eat more healthy and exercise regularly

I can not wait to have time to start making some of these changes in my life.

Kyle and I are going to the uproar festival today so I actually get a day off of work/school for once. I can't wait to get some one on one date time with him.. it doesn't happen very often. Hopefully my migraine mellows out before I get a new one from the concert ha. :)

"Friends"

So, yesterday I found out that an old "friend" of mine really wasn't much of a friend. It doesn't shock me because I knew it all along, but the nerve that some people have just astounds me. To talk crap on me to my family and then not expect me to find out is just stupid. I'm fine that you feel the way you do and it doesn't shock me because you were never able to see the big picture ever since I've known you. I'm not fine with you opening your mouth to my sister though. That's like me going to your family and talking about how we can't be friends because you are too self-centered and shallow. You can't stand not having the world revolve around you and it's not something I can give to you. I believe that our friendship ended (again) because of many reasons and faults from both sides. Yes, I became extremely attached to Kyle. I get that completely, but that's not why we stopped hanging out. If I recall, I invited you a few times to come hang out only to get blown off. If I recall, there were times when you didn't even try to extend an invite either. I think you would like to blame this on me having a boyfriend, but I think that you can't handle being friends with someone who is actually happy in a relationship. Just because I didn't want to entertain you 24/7 doesn't mean I didn't want to be friends. I actually did until I realized just how selfish and shallow you still are. You also never tried to understand my health issues or actually anything about me. Instead, you would throw me under the bus in front of people to make yourself feel better.

I want to thank you for being the reason why I met Kyle. It has been a huge significant change in my life and I can't believe how well my life is going to have such a positive person involved. I truly wish you the best in life and I hope that you find whatever it takes for you to be TRULY happy. I hope that will one day not see such a shallow picture of the world because there is so much more to it then you will ever know. I am done though. I'm done with trusting people who treat me like crap. I'm done trusting people that take out all their insecurities on others because they are too afraid to face themselves. I am just ready to take care of me so that I can get healthy and heal. So, that's what I'm going to do because it's the only thing I can do. None of this should offend you because like you already said.. you gave up.

Still Trucking Along...

I am constantly changing. Who I am today, yesterday, and tomorrow is all different. I think I have it figured out and I am constantly proving myself wrong. It's amazing how something as simple as who I am is a question, but it is and that's not necessarily frightening to me. I like that I am open to change. It means that my life will always get better instead of stand in one miserable place. I have had to do a lot of work lately: facing my issues and facing my feelings. Ever since I was 13, I've taught myself to internalize. I actually prided myself in how good I was at hiding my emotions and keeping my cool no matter how hard things got. I've had to let that go the last few weeks. I've had to feel, to react, and to let go and I know that sounds easy but it's been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I have started seeing a new doctor that works with releasing emotions and it is making a difference for me. It's a constant battle, I hate doing it, and it's uncomfortable as hell. It's right though and It's what I need to be doing. I'm just hoping that THIS is my answer because I am so ready to be pain free and happy. There are so many things I want to do with my life that I feel are taken from me because of my body. It's time to move forward.

Kyle and I are doing really well. Our relationship is getting stronger on a daily basis and I am so very lucky to have someone like him by my side. We're still waiting to hear back on our offers on the house, but we did expect this to be a slow process. In fact, we hope it does take a while because it gives us more time to build up money so that we have less stress when it does happen. Last weekend we went up to Park City because I wanted Kyle to ride the Alpine Slide since he never has. We both got to ride the Alpine Coaster for the first time as well which was actually really fun. I loved getting some down time with him especially in such a pretty area.

I love life. I love who I am and who I am changing and becoming on a daily basis. I know that I can do and be better though. I am pretty sure that as soon as my bachelor's degree is finished this december I will start making some serious efforts to improve myself. I'm not sure what exactly that entails but it's something I will always work on.

Kyle.

So, Kyle is gone for the weekend. It's pretty pathetic, but I can't stand being away from him.. it just doesn't feel right. Ever since we've started dating we've been together pretty much nonstop. It took me forever to fall asleep last night just because it felt so off not having him here. I know that this is cheesy but I can't help but appreciate how truly wonderful Kyle is. When I met him a year ago, I knew that we had a great connection. We connected on so many levels (spiritually, mentally, and physically) and got to know each other and learn about each other really fast. Kyle has already proven to me just how much he cares about me because he has stuck by me through a lot. I honestly feel like I am a completely different person compared to last year and a huge part of that is because he encouraged me to be happy with who I am and to appreciate the little things. So funny how one person can make such a huge impact on your life and I wasn't even looking.

I can confidently say that I want to spend my life with him. I know that things change and that people change too, but every change we have made has only made our relationship stronger so far. We have such a strong base that I really don't see the little things tearing us apart. I know that I will always be willing to work through whatever comes our way because I truly love and adore the person that I am with. He is just so honest and upfront about everything. What you see is what you get with Kyle and I find that type of vulnerability extremely endearing. I never have to guess with him or question anything he says because I know that he will not betray me or lie to me. He is so patient, kind, goofy, and such a hard worker. He is truly one of my best friends and someone that I can always talk to no matter what we talk about.

He is the motivation that keeps me going through school and working long hours because all I want to do is have a good future with him and to be able to support a family with him. He is so unlike anyone I have ever met and he surprises me on a daily basis with how well he takes care of me and supports me.

I love the direction my life is going. It is difficult right now because I am doing so much and still dealing with health problems. But I love what I see in front of me and what we are working towards. I love that we will both have our educations and be able to support a family without having financial stress all the time. I love that he is the one I will wake up with every morning and the one that I will see before I fall asleep every night.

I miss him and I can't wait to see him when he gets back.

Labor Day Weekend

So, Kyle and I had a great but lazy weekend. Friday night we both pretty much crashed with has now become a common occurrence due to our crazy school and work weeks. Saturday we both woke up early and took Laila on a walk. We've both been enjoying the cooler weather lately, so that was a good way to start the day. Plus, I found out that Laila is smart enough to walk right next to us off of her leash. Greatest discovery ever. We spent the morning/afternoon running errands and getting some stuff done and Saturday night we went to the drive-in movies. I went to buy beer beforehand and was stupid enough to let Kyle go into the liquor store with me. Ha ha, I didn't even think about it considering he doesn't drink and I look way younger then him, but we got denied. So, I had to go way out of my way to get my beer which was pretty annoying. I hate the laws in this state. Everyone that drinks underage can get away with it so easy and the laws that Utah puts in place does nothing to stop it. If Kyle really wanted alcohol, I could go in and buy it and then bring it out to him and they wouldn't say a damn word.

Sunday was once again pretty lazy because we are both beyond wiped out. I had a really good and long talk with Kyle and we spent some time sleeping outside which was nice. We go into a conversation about spirituality which was actually really something we haven't done since last year after I had my experience. We are both not very religious, so it can be a bit overwhelming to think about life after death and what (if there is anything) is out there. We both have experienced death a lot in the last year as well, so it's been more of a prominent issue. It was good to reason through our beliefs and to still be able to come out in a positive light even if we don't agree with what society does necessarily. Doesn't mean that we don't have spirituality in our lives and that's all that matters to me.

Today, we went up to snowbird to Oktoberfest. It was really nice to go up the canyon and be in the nice cool weather. We got to ride up the tram, hike around a bit, and then ride the chairlift down. We both wanted to go on the alpine slide but we also realized that Kyle's arm probably needs some healing time. Kyle bought me a bellybutton ring (kind of without asking me lol) and I bought a feather necklace. We sat and ate and enjoyed some of the german music for awhile and then we came home and have been wiped out again pretty much the rest of the day.

Only 14 weeks left of school and work and then I will finally be able to get my energy back. Kyle and I also found another house in Riverton that we might look at putting an offer in on. It's a little more expensive, but the location and quality might make up for it.

House Updates

So, we have made an offer on two houses. One of them was accepted today and sent to the bank for approval. Now we have to wait anywhere from 3 weeks to 3 months to see if the bank will move forward with the short sale. I'm getting really excited and hoping that one of the two works out because both would be a great opportunity for Kyle and I to start our lives in. They are actually both right across the street from each other and both are 3 bedroom 3 bathrooms. Our first priority is very immaculate and has been well taken care of (these were both built in 2005 by the way) and we love the layout the most overall. The 2nd floor has jack and jill bathrooms in between the two additional rooms which I found way cute. It also has a way nice back patio and an area where we could plant grass. The 2nd house (the one with the accepted offer) is also very nice and has a much bigger yard. The yard will definitely be a project, but i'm okay with that. The layout isn't as great upstairs, but the layout downstairs is super open and nice.
Both houses would make me incredibly happy; now I just have to be patient and wait to see what happens. In the meantime, I'm going to continue to work my ass off and save up money.

Kyle got hurt today at work. I feel like crap because he didn't want to stress me out so I didn't even find out until after work. It really gets to me that my illness can be so overwhelming that my number one in life can't even tell me when he is hurt. It's hard when I didn't even get the chance to be there for him and although I know his intentions were good, i have to know about things like that. I can't spend my days wondering if he is really okay if I haven't heard from him. I hate the line of work he is in and I can't wait until he can finally get out of it. I care about him way too much to have to constantly worry about things going wrong. He will be okay, but his arm was pretty torn up (to the muscle) and he had to get a lot of stitches. At least his work will pay for it (like they should).

So, that's my updates for now. Now I am off to sleep so I can get up and do another long day.

Moving Forward

So, life is going to be super busy for awhile. I just started school this week on top of working full time and to make life even more busy Kyle and I are looking to buy a house together. We've already qualified for a loan, so now we are at the fun part of looking at houses and making an offer. We found one we really really love yesterday. It was built int 2005 but it has been so taken care of that it looks brand new. It's a 3 bedroom 3 bathroom which we don't necessarily need now but it could be good for the future. :) It also has a little yard for Laila to play in which is really important to me at least. We are going to look at another house today that is right across the street so hopefully that one works out well so we have some choices. Either way, It will be awhile because we are going for short sales so that we can make some money on the house when we want to resell. I'm actually hoping everything comes through around Christmas time so that I can be completely done with school.

My body is hating my new schedule of pretty much 15 hour days now that school has started. I've been really sick and drained, but at least its my last semester. I only have 14 weeks left and I will have my bachelor's degree and then I can focus on my career and building my life with Kyle. I can't believe how much I can handle though. Even four months ago, I didn't think I could ever hold down a full time job because of being sick all the time. I'm glad that I face my fears in life instead of running and I love proving to myself just how strong I am and how much I can do if I wanted it bad enough.

I don't know if I believe in God, but I do believe that we are given challenges in life so that we can grow and learn from them. In that sense, I feel extremely lucky because I know that I am going to be a very strong person. I've gone through quite a bit and I'm finally getting to the point where I just can't feel bad about it anymore. It's extremely comforting to know that I can get through the day, that I can work, that I can still go out and have fun despite feeling pretty crappy most of the time. It's amazing that I have found someone who can be equally supportive while still pushing me to be better at the same time. I never saw my life going in the direction it has, but I'm really happy that it is. I'm excited/anxious to finally start moving forward with a new chapter in life.

Updates 10 Aug 2011

So, I'm finally locked in at my job. It is such a good feeling to finally know that for sure I have a job. That, even though I'm going back to school, I will still have financial stability and still be able to work towards my goals. It's amazing how if I just back off in my life a little bit that the little pieces actually fall into place. Sometimes I need to remember to just relax and live in the moment because stressing about the future doesn't really help me get to it. I already know my plans, I know what needs to be done, so I just need to suck it up and work my ass off until I make it. My goals right now are to get my debt paid down as much as I possibly can by the beginning of next year so that I can move out with Kyle. Kyle's main focus right now is to get a more stable job that we know will last through winter seasons.

I can't believe that I start school in less than two weeks. I would say I was excited, but I'm really not. I'm so burned out with school and ready to be done, especially since I already have a job in what I'm majoring in. I'm just going to push through it though because it's my last two classes and I will officially have a bachelor's degree. Can't believe that I will already be done with college this December. It feels like i just started high school ha ha, I hate how fast time flies.

Still working on my stomach problems. It seems to be getting worse for now. On the upside, i got my first chiropractic adjustment last week and it felt AMAZING. I definitely think I am going to get another one tomorrow. I didn't realize how much pain I was putting up with until after that; makes my job so much easier to handle. I'm just thinking that my next step is going to have to be to find a reputable hypnotherapist that can mind fuck me because nothing else seems to be working. Either way, I'm not going to stop fighting through it because once I give up then I have no hope in getting better.