Disorganized Updates

Life just rushes by. It scares me that the older I get, the faster my life seems to pass by and I always wonder if I could be doing more or making more of myself. I've always been a goal setter and someone that has to have something to work towards. I just don't know if I am keeping a good balance of enjoying my life while going after my goals. There has got to be a point where I relax and realize the beauty and love that surrounds me and just be okay being me.

As busy as I am, I love my life. I feel peace with where I am at and with all the lessons I have experienced so far. I feel confident with the man I have fallen in love with and I am hopeful at what our future will look like. The only thing holding us back is finances and that wouldn't really be an issue but we bought a house ha ha. A lot of things to pay for right now, but we are only at the beginning and it only goes up from here. I have to remind myself to let go of that a little bit and not be in such a rush to pay things off. We have everything that we hoped for and more, so it's time to enjoy just being together. Eventually, it won't just be me and him ;) ha ha.

I have many reasons to be stressed/hurt/angry, but I have a million more to be happy/grateful. I found my old websites from when I was 13/14 last week and it blew my mind. As far as I've always remembered, I was an unhappy and depressed person at that age. I always thought that I was going through so much when I looked back. You know what I found though? I was happy/confidence/outgoing at those ages. I truly did have joy in my life and I was glad for that reminder. So often, it's easy to remember the bad times in your life but you can't have bad without good. It just doesn't balance out that way.

Mickey is getting so big. It's been really fun to get reminders of all the little stages Laila went through. He has been VERY lazy lately and pretty much sleeps whenever he's with me. Not sure if it's because his Dad spoils him in the afternoons and plays with him or not yet lol. Either way, I love this little puppy and his sweet/goofy personality. I am happy that Kyle and I made the decision to get Laila a friend. It's still a love/hate relationship right now but the puppy is learning not to be such an ass with her ha ha.

Being a goof <3

Both my babies.

Today, almost 3 months old.

Looking forward to a California trip in just 3 short months. I can't wait to take Kyle on his first REAL vacation and to show him disneyland, universal, sea world, six flags, and the ocean all for the first time. I can't wait to just have alone time with him without all the stress of work and chores that we have right now.

Anyway, there's my disorganized thoughts for the week. ;)

Just a little bit of writing.

Something I haven't done for awhile. Just something I wrote up in 20 minutes or so...

Immerse myself in light, feel the warmth in my soul
Turned away from the darkness, let go of control
What will be will be and there's nothing I can do
So I trust in my life so that I can get through

Two sides of a very sharp double-edged blade
Good memories, bad memories, but they all fade
All that matters is now, each moment's a chance
To succumb to the past or learn how to dance

I choose to be strong, to stand up and fight
To turn away from my past and into the light
To feel the warmth of a God, religion aside
A strength within myself that I cannot hide

What I know and what I feel are black and white
Emotions are the day and logic is the night
Love is all that matters, I'm no longer blind
Time to seek life out, leave the negativity behind
~Jordan Stocking '12

New Family Member.

This little guy will be joining our family the 2nd week of April. He is a miniature dachshund just like Laila and is currently in Cedar City until he his old enough to come home. We are absolutely excited. I can't wait for Laila to have a friend and Kyle has never even had a puppy before. I have been working 50 hour weeks the last 3 weeks so that we will have mostly everything paid for ahead of time. He is definitely meant for us and will be a great addition to our family. Since we aren't ready for real babies, we love spending time and taking care of our furry babies ha ha. I won't get rid of my pups though even when I have kids. Dogs are for life and it breaks my heart when people just give away their pets because they aren't convenient anymore.

Anyway, short update. But that's what is going on. :)

Catch Up Time

So It's been a long while and a lot of things have happened since I last posted. I haven't stopped writing. I tried another blog site and discovered it's really not for me.. at all. Kyle also bought me a regular journal which I use for all the trivial parts of life. I guess I will try to make this blog more organized. What's happened the last few months:

I finally got through school and graduated with my Bachelor's in Microbiology. As difficult as that was, I miss school. I don't know what to do with myself now that I don't have that stress in my life. I've been working on it though and I keep myself busy working full time and keeping our house going.

Christmas time was amazing and hectic all at once. Spent time with family, moved into our new house, and everyone got that really nasty flu. My grandpa was taken to the hospital in an ambulance christmas night because it was so bad. Our first night in our house (day after christmas) I spent 8 hours throwing up. I wouldn't trade any of it though. We created some pretty fun, amazing, and memorable stories and everyone got through it.

So lately we've been focusing on the house. Fixing up little things like replacing lights, batteries in smoke alarms, hanging pictures, getting weeds out of the yard, etc. Next weekend we are going to paint in our main room. It's so nice to have something that is ours that we can do anything we want with. It gives me all the motivation in the world to make it as nice as possible. Our tax returns were awesome this year so we will hopefully get to put in a yard and will have most of our new house stuff paid off within the next 6 months.

Something to look forward to: August 12-18th we are going to California. I'm so excited because Kyle has never seen the ocean before. I would consider Southern California my dream place to live so I love going there. We are going to be hitting up disneyland for 3 days, universal studios, and sea world. In between we will try to make time for the beach for a couple days at least and just have fun together. I can't wait to experience this with Kyle and I know it is going to be absolutely amazing.

I'm also going to be getting a tattoo fairly soon I think. I would like to get "Luctor et emergo" down my spine which translates to "I struggle and emerge". This has a lot of significant for me not only because of my past but also because of my daily life dealing with being sick. So, I'm going to keep thinking about it for the next little bit and if it still feels right then I will go through with it. I'm also planning on getting a tribal wolf on my back. This has huge significant with my family. Just some inspiration:

Living with IBS

So, I am missing my first class. again. That's three weeks in a row. To be honest, I don't know how much I care. I love this class, actually, and I love the teacher but I am just running on empty lately. My health issues have increased extremely again and it's all that I can do just to make it through work every day. So if that means saving myself a few hours of time where I can relax and sleep then that's what I'll do. I'm five weeks away from graduating and I couldn't be any less motivated. I'll do it though because I certainly don't want to continue this work and school schedule.. it's really not that fun. I'll just have to push through as best as I can until it's over.

I'm sick of being sick all the time. I'm sick of being isolated and having no one to talk to about what I'm going through. I'm not angry with anyone because I know that four years ago I wouldn't have understood what I was about to go through. If someone had tried to talk to me about the same thing I wouldn't have known how to support them or known what to say. It doesn't mean it doesn't suck and it's doesn't mean that it's not extremely difficult to be a social outcast because of health issues that I have no control over. It doesn't mean that I am not exhausted, drained, and sometimes downright depressed because I feel that a huge part of my life has been taken away. Every time I look towards the future I see this disorder constantly getting in my way and making my life a living hell.

Having irritable bowel syndrome does not make me a gross, anti-social, or undeserving person in society. It just means that I have to work 10x harder then someone who is healthy to make it through a regular day. It just means that I can't eat whatever I want whenever I want. It means that I have to hide in a shell of discomfort all day long because I know that me discussing it with anyone is not socially acceptable. You know what though? I don't care anymore. I'm tired of being in pain and hurting. I'm tired of not getting to eat what I want and I'm tired of being hungry all the time. I'm tired of being angry with my body and hating myself because I can't just get better. I'm tired of being ashamed of who I am and living inside my own head because people don't get it. I'm tired of being afraid that people will judge me and see me as less of a person because I can't live the way everyone else does. I'm tired of losing friends because they just didn't bother to try to get to know what was really going on with me. I'm tired of the doctors that tell me it's all in my head and that it will go away and I'm extremely tired of all the doctors who are willing to give me a miracle cure for loads of money. I'm just tired beyond belief because I am 21 years old and my life should be a lot easier and care free then it is.

Just like anyone else who has any other type of disorder, disease, or illness.. I am still a person and I still deserve to be treated like everyone else. I still deserve to at least be given respect when I choose not to eat a typical unhealthy american diet or if I choose not to eat at all. I deserve at least that much. I would never judge someone for something that was out of their control and I would never make assumptions about someone without talking to them first. Maybe I've just learned these things because I am sick and I am isolated.

I guess I'm just done living in a generation that just doesn't seem to care about others outside themselves. And that is why I continue to just take care of me and those that are close to me. The rest of it is just all too shallow and I don't really feel like buying into all the bullshit anymore.

Moving on from all the negativity

It's really hard for me to feel positive feelings towards you and to be okay with all that you put me through when I find out that you are messing with my family. If I could, I would scream at you all over again. What the hell is wrong with you? You couldn't be anymore of a toxic person and when I find out what you have been doing I just fall deeper and deeper into not giving a crap about you. I guess I should be happy that you make it easy for me to realize I made the right choice letting you go. Now I know who I was with all along and I know I will never make that mistake again. Don't guilt trip me about not being your friend or for moving on too fast when you made it way too easy. Thank you, thank you, thank you for showing me your true colors in time for me to get the hell out. I couldn't be with a better person then I am now and I actually have a shot at a real future where I am not stressed out 24/7.

So I know I haven't been that great at updating. Sometimes it takes anger/pain to spark me into writing again. I've also been so busy with 15 hour days of work and school combined so when I have free time I'm usually passing out with Kyle. I hate being so busy when all I want to do is to do things that make me happy. I'd like to spend more time with Kyle's family because it's so rare to find people that are that genuine and amazing. I just gotta keep reminding myself that I will be done with school on December 7th (as long as I pass everything) and that after that life will be significantly easier. Hopefully by then, Kyle and I will be in our new house and finally be able to start building a future together. As stupid as it sounds, I can't wait to go pick out stupid things like bowls and cups together. I can't wait to go and pick out how we are going to decorate or to go grocery shopping with him and to argue over what kind of cereal to buy. Although I doubt we will because we seem to be pretty compatible about most things. I can't wait to put our yard in so that I can make a little garden and attempt to not kill plants lol. I just want my life to be more simple and care-free so that I can actually enjoy it.

I gave up on doctors for now. For a few reasons. The first: I'm not getting the results that I want. Although I think my last doctor had a great point, I know that I can't handle the type of work that he wants me to do right now. I don't want to relive negative things in my past. I finally got to the point where I don't make myself relive painful things constantly, so why would I work hard to get back there. I want to be happy and focus on what's happening now because my life is pretty good in the present. Second: it is extremely expensive to go to alternative doctors that don't take insurance. I'm trying to pay off my debt as much as possible and save up to buy stuff for a house. I don't have the money to throw $260 at a doctor that may or may not work. So, I'm just taking care of me the best I can because it is my responsibility alone to do so. Kyle is a huge help and I don't ever forget that, but i know that it's up to me to get through all of the issues i am experiencing. I just wish that I could trade in my type of pain for something more socially acceptable. Something that isn't so isolating because it would make life easier. I would take extreme pain anywhere else if it meant I could interact with people without having anxiety that I'll get sick.

So, that's what is going on right now. This weekend should be nice because I won't have to study as much so hopefully we'll do some fun halloween things and spend some time with his family.

Finding Balance

The hardest thing to find in life (at least for me lately) is balance. I'm learning to not hold on to emotions and to let them go, but at the same time I don't want to be overcome by it either. I've always learned to be strong and I thought that was my way of being above emotions but I realized it was a cop out. However, I have things to get done in life. I can't afford to face every problem on a daily basis. I've been trying to do so much and it's making me physically ill and exhausting me like crazy. So, I guess it's time to prioritize and decide what's worrying about and what's not.

As far as my last post.. it's not something I'm going to worry about anymore. I'm not even angry anymore to be honest. I've learned over and over in life that friendships are pretty temporary and that the only person you can truly rely on in life is you. If you can find happiness within yourself, the rest will fall into place. If people want to say things about me that's their own issue and it's not something that should affect me. I know who I am, I know what I am going through on a daily basis, and no one can make that decision for me. No matter what people will always have their opinions, but it's my choice if I react to it or not. So, I'm not going to. I'm just going to let it go because holding on to grudges in life is way too toxic.

I have 8 weeks left of utter exhaustion due to my school/work schedule. For normal healthy people it would be exhausting. For someone like me who is in physical pain 24/7 it is absolutely a test of will power. I'm doing it though and I'm not going to give up until I have my degree in hand. I just want to get financially stable so that my biggest worry in life isn't money. I want my biggest focus in life to be something as simple as finding a hobby that I love and creating relationships with people that are worth my time (especially with Kyle's family). I want to have my own family one day too, but I have got to get myself to a more healthy mindset at the very least before that can happen. I don't want to bring a child into this world if I can't even take care of myself; that's not fair.

I'm hopeful, but I'm also realistic in the fact that my future and my health is completely in my hands. I can wish and hope for whatever I want, but if I don't take the steps I need to take then my life will still stay the same. Life is about finding what makes you happy in life and then taking whatever steps you need to in order to achieve that happiness. You have to be willing to be truthful with yourself no matter what so that you don't "trick" yourself into thinking you are happy when you know very well that you are not. I did that for years and it only brought me intense hurt and pain.

So, my steps for now:

1) Graduate college (just get it out of the way so that I can focus on other aspects of my life)
2) Move out
3) Practice meditation/yoga - get good at centering my mind and my body
4) Find a hobby/passion that I can do when I'm not working
5) Eat more healthy and exercise regularly

I can not wait to have time to start making some of these changes in my life.

Kyle and I are going to the uproar festival today so I actually get a day off of work/school for once. I can't wait to get some one on one date time with him.. it doesn't happen very often. Hopefully my migraine mellows out before I get a new one from the concert ha. :)

"Friends"

So, yesterday I found out that an old "friend" of mine really wasn't much of a friend. It doesn't shock me because I knew it all along, but the nerve that some people have just astounds me. To talk crap on me to my family and then not expect me to find out is just stupid. I'm fine that you feel the way you do and it doesn't shock me because you were never able to see the big picture ever since I've known you. I'm not fine with you opening your mouth to my sister though. That's like me going to your family and talking about how we can't be friends because you are too self-centered and shallow. You can't stand not having the world revolve around you and it's not something I can give to you. I believe that our friendship ended (again) because of many reasons and faults from both sides. Yes, I became extremely attached to Kyle. I get that completely, but that's not why we stopped hanging out. If I recall, I invited you a few times to come hang out only to get blown off. If I recall, there were times when you didn't even try to extend an invite either. I think you would like to blame this on me having a boyfriend, but I think that you can't handle being friends with someone who is actually happy in a relationship. Just because I didn't want to entertain you 24/7 doesn't mean I didn't want to be friends. I actually did until I realized just how selfish and shallow you still are. You also never tried to understand my health issues or actually anything about me. Instead, you would throw me under the bus in front of people to make yourself feel better.

I want to thank you for being the reason why I met Kyle. It has been a huge significant change in my life and I can't believe how well my life is going to have such a positive person involved. I truly wish you the best in life and I hope that you find whatever it takes for you to be TRULY happy. I hope that will one day not see such a shallow picture of the world because there is so much more to it then you will ever know. I am done though. I'm done with trusting people who treat me like crap. I'm done trusting people that take out all their insecurities on others because they are too afraid to face themselves. I am just ready to take care of me so that I can get healthy and heal. So, that's what I'm going to do because it's the only thing I can do. None of this should offend you because like you already said.. you gave up.

Still Trucking Along...

I am constantly changing. Who I am today, yesterday, and tomorrow is all different. I think I have it figured out and I am constantly proving myself wrong. It's amazing how something as simple as who I am is a question, but it is and that's not necessarily frightening to me. I like that I am open to change. It means that my life will always get better instead of stand in one miserable place. I have had to do a lot of work lately: facing my issues and facing my feelings. Ever since I was 13, I've taught myself to internalize. I actually prided myself in how good I was at hiding my emotions and keeping my cool no matter how hard things got. I've had to let that go the last few weeks. I've had to feel, to react, and to let go and I know that sounds easy but it's been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I have started seeing a new doctor that works with releasing emotions and it is making a difference for me. It's a constant battle, I hate doing it, and it's uncomfortable as hell. It's right though and It's what I need to be doing. I'm just hoping that THIS is my answer because I am so ready to be pain free and happy. There are so many things I want to do with my life that I feel are taken from me because of my body. It's time to move forward.

Kyle and I are doing really well. Our relationship is getting stronger on a daily basis and I am so very lucky to have someone like him by my side. We're still waiting to hear back on our offers on the house, but we did expect this to be a slow process. In fact, we hope it does take a while because it gives us more time to build up money so that we have less stress when it does happen. Last weekend we went up to Park City because I wanted Kyle to ride the Alpine Slide since he never has. We both got to ride the Alpine Coaster for the first time as well which was actually really fun. I loved getting some down time with him especially in such a pretty area.

I love life. I love who I am and who I am changing and becoming on a daily basis. I know that I can do and be better though. I am pretty sure that as soon as my bachelor's degree is finished this december I will start making some serious efforts to improve myself. I'm not sure what exactly that entails but it's something I will always work on.

Kyle.

So, Kyle is gone for the weekend. It's pretty pathetic, but I can't stand being away from him.. it just doesn't feel right. Ever since we've started dating we've been together pretty much nonstop. It took me forever to fall asleep last night just because it felt so off not having him here. I know that this is cheesy but I can't help but appreciate how truly wonderful Kyle is. When I met him a year ago, I knew that we had a great connection. We connected on so many levels (spiritually, mentally, and physically) and got to know each other and learn about each other really fast. Kyle has already proven to me just how much he cares about me because he has stuck by me through a lot. I honestly feel like I am a completely different person compared to last year and a huge part of that is because he encouraged me to be happy with who I am and to appreciate the little things. So funny how one person can make such a huge impact on your life and I wasn't even looking.

I can confidently say that I want to spend my life with him. I know that things change and that people change too, but every change we have made has only made our relationship stronger so far. We have such a strong base that I really don't see the little things tearing us apart. I know that I will always be willing to work through whatever comes our way because I truly love and adore the person that I am with. He is just so honest and upfront about everything. What you see is what you get with Kyle and I find that type of vulnerability extremely endearing. I never have to guess with him or question anything he says because I know that he will not betray me or lie to me. He is so patient, kind, goofy, and such a hard worker. He is truly one of my best friends and someone that I can always talk to no matter what we talk about.

He is the motivation that keeps me going through school and working long hours because all I want to do is have a good future with him and to be able to support a family with him. He is so unlike anyone I have ever met and he surprises me on a daily basis with how well he takes care of me and supports me.

I love the direction my life is going. It is difficult right now because I am doing so much and still dealing with health problems. But I love what I see in front of me and what we are working towards. I love that we will both have our educations and be able to support a family without having financial stress all the time. I love that he is the one I will wake up with every morning and the one that I will see before I fall asleep every night.

I miss him and I can't wait to see him when he gets back.