Lessons from Post Partum

I had my baby girl 18 days ago and already I have learned so much. So I thought I would share some of  my insight.

1. Postpartum is really hard but me telling you that won't fully prepare you until you experience it. It is exhausting and the hormones are unbelievable. However, it does get much better after the first couple of weeks.

2. Breastfeeding is way more difficult than any class will lead you to believe. I do believe it can/will get better, but establishing a pattern and getting all the kinks worked out is exhausting. Plus, as soon as you think you have it all figured out you will discover that you don't.. which is where I am at right now.

3. You are not a bad mom if you can't breastfeed or choose not to. As much as we all have ideals, every situation is going to be different and every baby and mom is going to be different. It's okay if you have to make the best decisions for your own situation.

4. Sleep is amazing and is very much missed. I don't think I will get a full night's rest for a while now and I consider a few 3 hour naps to be amazing because that really is the perfect night right now.

5. Diaper changes can be one of the most exciting things ever.. especially when your baby decides to have a blow out mid diaper change. The best part about this is that the lack of sleep will make this the most hilarious thing to you ever at 2 a.m. and you will laugh like a little school girl.

6. Everyone will have advice and an opinion about every decision you make. Your baby will have the most say 90% of the time and will dictate most of your decisions whether you like it or not.

7. People no longer see you as an individual. You are now forever "insert baby name here" 's Mom. You will suddenly have a lot more visitors, but it's all about your little one. Take advantage of it.

8. Pregnancy brain was bad, but having a newborn is the most distracting thing ever. I am constantly worried about every little need and if she is okay that I really don't feel like I have the capacity to accomplish much of anything else. A quick trip to the grocery store turns into amnesia from hell where I can't remember a 5 item list because I am trying to make sure people don't run into my cart with the baby in it.

8. Days fly by and revolve around baby's schedule. A break from work is not down time.. it's pure survival time and trying to establish a schedule.

9. Every new thing that your baby does will amaze you. Does it matter that she may have just had gas and not really been smiling at me? Nope.

10. The love you have for your child will not compare to anything else. There is nothing like it and I finally understand why my parents seemed a little crazy. Being a parent makes you a little crazy and the worry never goes away.

Rocking the bib because she is super messy with a bottle and mom doesn't want to do laundry every five seconds ha ha

Bath time.. she is still deciding whether or not she should embrace it. She did pee in the tub though so that was fun.

Tummy time. 

Chilling after her bath in her swing.. she has a mini mohawk.. 

What are lessons that you learned in post partum?

Charli's Newborn Pictures

We had Charli's newborn pictures taken last Saturday when she was 8 days old. She is going to look really cute in these, but just know that obtaining these types of pictures is not easy. At all. I have to give major props to the photographers at fotofly who do this nonsense all day long.

I loved this little outfit. Her headband had to be pinned back because it was too big for her head though ha ha. I love that she always has her hands near her face like this.

I knew that I would have a blonde mostly bald baby despite the hours of heartburn I suffered while pregnant.

The sash she is wearing is from my maternity pictures. This was a pinterest idea.

I love her tiny little features. Luckily she doesn't have her mama's big ears yet.. but time will tell. She did get her mama's chubby cheeks though.

Stubborn baby wouldn't keep her eyes closed.. that's okay though because I love her eyes.

This was by far my favorite picture. She is so grumpy and I love it.

She always looks serious when she is awake like this. She smiles in her sleep though. 

My love holding my world in his hands.

Love her tiny little baby feet. Funny enough this was one of the most difficult pictures because she hated having her feet wrapped like that.

I love my baby girl.. please stay little for as long as possible. <3 br="">

Charli's Birth Story

I had planned on my baby being late my entire pregnancy. I knew that if I kept this plan that I would stay more patient and not get upset if I went overdue. So, at 36 weeks, when my doctor checked me and told me that I was already starting to dilate I was shocked. I knew that it didn't necessarily guarantee that she would be early but I truly felt like she would be at that point. I remember telling people that it would be awesome if she was born on Friday the 13th and that was the date that I had kept in my head.

At 37 weeks, we went in for an ultrasound and found out she was already measuring about 7 lbs. This was just another sign to me that this baby wasn't going to stay in much longer. I felt like she was meant to come early so that I could actually deliver her without a c section. I declined getting checked that week because I knew there was no guarantee and I didn't want to get myself psyched up for nothing.

Tuesday the 10th of February I went in for my 38 week check up. I had been losing a lot of my mucus plug that day so I was hopeful that I was diated more than a 1 like I had been at 36 weeks. I found out I was 3 cm and 70% effaced and was feeling pretty crampy that day. That night I went home, walked 2 miles, and started having contractions that were pretty far apart. We ended up in labor and delivery that night because our baby wasn't meeting her kick counts and I was worried the contractions were putting her under stress. Of course as soon as we got there she started to have hiccups. It was a long uncomfortable hour of being hooked up to machines and I was sent home that night.

 The next day I had contractions pretty consistently all day long that were 5-8 minutes apart. I didn't feel safe going to work and I was pretty uncomfortable so I stayed at home all day. Once again, we went into L&D that night because surely after having them that long we had to be getting closer and i was honestly exhausted from being in pain all day. They told me to walk around the hospital for an hour and that they would recheck me and admit me if there was progress. We made a valiant effort and walked and clilmbed stairs the entire hour but unfortunately i was still at a 3, 80% effaced now, and the baby was at -2 station. So we were sent back home again.. this time with a morphine shot so I could finally sleep. 

I was pretty bummed out on Thursday because I didn't feel any consistent contractions all day. I was convinced that I was going to be in pain for weeks before the baby finally came. My mom decided to keep me company and took me over to her house. I decided to relax on a yoga ball and do some hip circes to work on bringing the baby down. At about 6pm I started to get some pretty intense contractions but they were still only 5-7 minutes apart. Although they were pretty intense I was convinced that it would be another long night of early but non progressive labor so I went home and took a bath and tried to relax. By 10 pm I was having trouble keeping myself calm and was feeling quite a bit of pain in both of my hips that was a lot different than before. My husband tried to relax me and told me they weren't intense enough to go to the hospital. I finally put my foot down at 10:45 and said that we had to go in because I was done dealing with it at home and I didn't think it could get any worse. I texted my mom and told her it was probably a waste of time but that we were going back in to labor and delivery. At this point, I felt like a crazy person.

The whole car ride there was pretty intense as was making it to triage. I just remember really hating all the bumps on the road ha ha. When the nurse hooked me up to the monitor I was surprised how quickly my contractions were coming. The nurse checked me and told me that I was still a 3 cm, 90% effaced, but that baby was at 0 station. I was panicking thinking they were going to send me home but was told that if I was planning on medication that they would admit me since my doctor was already there for the night. By this point I had already decided that I was going to get an epidural as I wanted to enjoy the birth and to be able to be in the moment. 

I was admitted and by 11:30 had my epidural. The epidural was pretty uncomfortable but not painful. I think it freaked me out more because I knew it was being placed in my spine. Soon after my doctor came in to break my water and i wasn't too happy about that as i had wanted to wait until i was farther. There were a lot of things that I quickly became flexible on. I remember telling the doctor he needed to wait until my epidural kicked in first to break my water. Yeah, I didn't feel a thing. I slept as much as possible for two hours after that despite being really nervous and excited. I remember being super shakey and terrified i would have to get pitocin. My mom slept on the couch and Kyle sat in a chair and stared at me because he was so excited. I had my birth playlist on my headphones and dozed on and off to that. I remember that we could see another mama's contraction monitor throughout the night and we kept checking to see how she was doing. Her birth seemed a lot more difficult as she had to go on piton so watching her contractions was super interesting to us. 

At 2 am, I was checked and was at a five. I found out that I would not have to get pitocin so far and was pretty happy. I was told that i would get checked again in 2 hours to make sure everything was progressing again. By this point I was exhausted and spent alot of time sleeping especially because i could hear my baby's heart on the monitor which was so soothing. 

The hospital was really busy that night so the nurse didn't come back until 5:30 am. I was starting to feel odd pressure at abut 4 am but i figured i was just nervous or needed to go to the bathroom(ha ha!).. or I figured the baby was closer to arriving but I didn't want to get overly hopeful. The first thiing the nurse said when i was finally checked was, "woah, I need to go talk to your doctor..." ha ha, I was already at a 10.... something I was super happy about because once again I would get my wish of no pitocin. It was surreal finding out that I was so close to meeting my baby already and I had only been admitted for 6 1/2 hours. I found out I was running a fever and was then worried I would be forced to have antibiotics. luckly, my doctor decided we would just push through it since it was low grade and the baby looked great on the monitor.

We started pushing around 6 a.m. It was grueling, exhausting, and my epidural was starting to wear off on one side. Mid push it didn't bother me because I was so focused but in between contractions it was super painful on one side. My contractions were spacing out so pushing took quite a while… I was okay with that though. It was actually really relaxing despite what I was doing.. I just felt so at peace the whole entire process. I was really encouraged by my doctor and nurses and told that I was doing really well and the baby was moving as she should. At one point I was given oxygen while pushing. It was so surreal because I could feel the pressure of the baby and knew when she was starting to crown. I could also tell by how excited my husband and mom were that my baby girl was almost here.

It was scary because just before she came out the heart rate monitor started having issues and wasn't working... the doctor wasn't concerned but I wanted her out just in case. it was the most beautiful and surreal feeling when I felt the doctor pull her out of me and immediately she was placed on my stomach. She was born at 8:23 am on Friday the 13th (February 13th, 2015). My husband and mom were both in tears but I was so dang excited I just grinned ha ha. She was perfect, pink, and loud and suprisingly had hair. I remember being a proud mama at how loud and strong she sounded. Her apgar was a 9 so she was never even taken from me in the room. 

Although it wasn't the hypnobirth I planned on, my birth to me was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. Everyone told me I would probably have to have a c section but I believed in myself and my body did so well. She was not a tiny baby. She was 18 inches and 7 lbs 6.5 ozs. Unfortunately I did have an episiotomy and some minor tearing but I would do it all over again for her. I give hypnobirthing the credit for keeping me positive and happy even though my plans had changed quite drastically. I absolutely would choose to do it the same exact way because i really enjoyed my birth. 

32 Weeks, 4 Days

Time really is flying now. I feel like this baby could be here any day and all I can think of is my huge to do list that I have to complete first. So, I am honestly hoping that this baby is like me and is perfectly content staying comfortable and cozy because I need all the time I have left.

I am 32 weeks and 4 days today and I and struggling to get comfortable in my own body quite a bit now. It amazes me what simple movements we take for granted until they are gone. Getting out of bed, taking a bath, bending over for pretty much anything are all exhausting challenges now. I am also quite aware of how short my torso is since I am pretty sure I have a foot permanently hooked into my rib cage at all times now. That to do list I have? It's a lot more difficult because mentally I am going but 20 minutes into anything physical I am exhausted.

It's all worth it though. Any time I don't feel good, I just remind myself how amazing it is that my body can do what it is doing and what the end result is going to be. I am happy that I am getting bigger because it means baby is healthy and strong.

Friday, we had some maternity pictures taken. We weren't going to but I'm glad we did because I honestly love being able to capture all the amazing chapters and milestones that we are going through. I wore heels in some of the pictures and my legs were dying having to hold poses. I honestly feel beautiful at this stage of pregnancy though. Not sure if that will change by the end of it.. but I love my belly despite the fact that it is now in my way all the time.

Charli, you are already so loved and adored. Your daddy and I already love getting to interact with you as you stick your butt and foot out of my belly. We can't wait to meet you!

Happy Birthday Kyle.

To My Amazing Husband,

I know you don't like necessarily like cards but I couldn't let your birthday pass by without telling you how I feel. I know that I tell you I love you all the time, but sometimes I really don't think you understand how much I appreciate you and how glad I am that you are in my life. I don't think you understand that each and every day with you is an absolute gift and that I don't regret a single moment or day with you. You are hands down my favorite person in the entire world and I am so glad that you came into this world when you did. I am so glad that I happened to stumble upon meeting you when I probably wasn't supposed to and I'm so incredibly glad that I took a chance on me and you because it was the best chance I ever took... I truly believe you are my soul mate and I wouldn't want to be experiencing all the amazing things in my life if I couldn't experience them with you.

Honestly, one of my favorite memories with you to look back on is any time we have been to the ocean together. Every time we go, you are the first into the water and you don't even hesitate. You run straight in without any fear because you are so dang excited. And every single time.. I hesitate to get into the water. Not because I don't love the ocean; quite the opposite and you know that. But because it's cold. However, my favorite memories are when I choose to run in with you because it is so much fun and we have had some of the goofiest memories just playing in the waves together. That was one of the most healing and amazing parts of our cruise to Mexico. When we finally found that beach and just ran in.. I think that's when I realized that everything was going to be okay because I had you by my side. This is just one example of how you brighten and enrich my life. Your willingness to embrace life makes me a better person on a continual basis and I don't think my life would be this amazing if I didn't have you as a constant example of how to let go and just live in the moment.

I couldn't be more proud to call you my husband and to have you as a daddy to our daughter.  I know that you are going to teach her so many things and that you are going to love her just as much as you love me. So, my sweet husband, I love you.. but that is not all I wanted you to know today. I am so happy that you were born, but I wanted you to get a little glimpse of just why I am.

Due Date, Dates, and Mixed Feelings

Yesterday was a mixed feelings kind of day. It was the due date of the baby that we lost in early March this year. To be honest and hopefully without sounding like a jerk, I expected to be more sad and down. I wasn't though. I was happy because I had been sick all week and was finally feeling a little bit better. I was happy because work was busy and went by fast, happy because every little kick I feel now is a reminder of the life I have growing in me now.

I'm not sure what I believe about miscarriages or mine in particular when it comes to spirituality. I'm not sure if that baby is forever lost or if that baby came back. I'm not sure if I'm a mom to two children or just one. I'm not sure if Charli is the same spirit that didn't take in March due to having an imperfect body. I'm just not sure. Part of not having a belief in religion means that I have to come up with these answers for myself and it can make my head spin if I think about it too much.

I think, regardless of what the answer is, that I am doing okay. Sometimes I will get hit with waves of grief, but for the most part I am doing much better than I was back then. It is harder to avoid when I am currently pregnant because I think of what I missed out on with that baby.. but I also know that I wouldn't have Charli if it wasn't for the miscarriage and I couldn't imagine not having her either. See why this is complicated? I feel like I am cheating on my first child that died in a sense and that's certainly not my intent. I don't mean to forget about that first baby and I doubt I ever will, but I am happy with what is going on now.

I also feel like things happened when they did for a reason. I was very ill in May when I had to have my gallbladder removed and who knows what would have happened if I had still been pregnant then. Maybe I lost that first baby so early to spare the pain of losing it much later in the pregnancy. Maybe life is going exactly the way it should.

I decided I would like to work on a pregnancy book for Charli. Something to keep all her ultrasound pictures in and to talk about what we felt at each stage. I don't know if it's something I'll show her when she is super young or not, but I do know that when she gets older I want her to know how much we loved and worried for her from the very beginning. I don't necessarily feel worry now… at least not like I used to. Now, I am more just excited to meet her. Last night we went and saw the Maze Runner and it was such a stressful movie. It was hard enough because it was suspenseful so I would get stressed out and then right in the middle of it Charli would kick me out of nowhere and scare the crap out of me. I love when her kicks freak me out. I love every single one, but sometimes they catch me off guard. I can't wait to see how her personality is when she's born and if it's the same personality that I sense with her while pregnant.

Happy Updates

I really need to get better about blogging. I don't feel like I can write very well anymore and I think it is because I became a scientist. In middle school and high school I learned to write with fluff, to extend my sentences, to make them into poetry. Then, I got to college and every time I didn't get straight to the point I got docked on essays and lab write ups. So, I learned how to write very directly. Like this. I do want to have more practice though and I really do want to have at least some memories written down because I enjoy going back and seeing them. I also have had to learn to write when I am not depressed which also doesn't ever feel very poetic but it's not about being poetic. It's not about making a statement and being different (ego mindset). It's about being me and being real.. even if that means that life is going great.

I think that most people would know that my life is in full baby mode right now. I know that may seem annoying for some (especially with fertility struggles.. and I've been there) but it is hard to not have this baby be our priority already. This baby has yet to make her arrival and already the capacity of love I have for her is unreal. To me, I am already a mother. I already worry about her, constantly. I finally get why my parents were so crazy because it's a worry that will never go away as long as I am alive. 

This last week, baby girl was abnormally quiet. I would feel little jabs here and there, but compared to how I have felt her… she was very very quiet. The first few days I didn't worry because she has her active and lazy days.. but by day 5 I was losing it. I was so down and depressed and even though logically I knew that things were okay (I was still getting some movement), I was starting to lose it. Thursday morning I woke up and had pretty much decided I was going to go to the doctors that day and at least get a heartbeat and make sure she wasn't in distress. As soon as I sat down to eat breakfast, I got like 15 kicks in a row and realized that she was fine. Little stinker, waiting until the last minute. Since then she has been CRAZY active. I am pretty sure she was going through a growth spurt or something because it has been non stop and the kicks have been so strong since then. We actually caught one on video last night. :) and she was able to give her dad a good kick to his beak lol. The only downside to her activity is it makes me lazy because all I want to do is lay around and watch and feel her move.

My goal this weekend is to finish putting her nursery furniture together. We still need to restain the glider and bookshelf but after that I will just need to get accessories as we get closer. I feel like I need to find a to do list of all the things you are supposed to do before baby gets here. I know we have 4 months but I also know how quickly that is going to go by with the holidays. Speaking of holidays.. I couldn't be more excited for them. Kyle finally scheduled some days off of work around Christmas so I will get 5 solid days in a row with him. He works his ass off and is constantly doing overtime so I can't wait to have our little family all together. I may have to go into work on one of those days for a while, but for the most part it will be amazing. My family has a lot of fun, dorky stuff planned too (tubing, christmas show, wii competitions, etc). Plus, I know that this baby is going to be even BIGGER by then. :) I love watching my belly grow and knowing that she is getting stronger and stronger.

I am honestly just feeling incredibly blessed all the time right now. I have an amazing husband, family, a roof over my head, and I love my new job (same company but i just transferred departments again). Life is so good and I couldn't ask for more. 

20 Weeks

Today is 20 weeks. Half way through already and I can't believe it. I can't believe it because it feels like yesterday that I felt like I would never get the chance to be a mommy or that it would take years and years and possibly a ton of money to get here. As much as certain symptoms may get annoying, I am so excited to be pregnant especially since I get to feel our little girl move and kick everyday. 

Last week we had our anatomy scan at 19 weeks, 1 day. We were able to confirm that our little one is a girl (there was a lot of skepticism after how early our first gender ultrasound was.. I knew she was a she though.. lol) and the best part was we found out everything looks normal and healthy with her. Her heart, her spine, her kidneys, her brain, even her toes. Our perfectly healthy baby girl. Another blessing that I don't take for granted. Here are some pictures of her, I think she looks like her daddy already ha ha. 

I am just so excited for everything to come, including the next stages of pregnancy. I can't wait for our little girl to gain weight and for her kicks and movements to get stronger. As much as my back already hurts, I can't wait to get a bigger rounder belly. And I can't wait to meet her, but I am very happy to wait another 20 weeks at least. :)

Right now I am focusing on researching everything. I've started reading a hypnobirthing book and I am pretty sure I will do a self study course on it. I'm trying to figure out a birth plan that works for both my doctor and me and making sure that I understand everything that I am willing to fight for and what is more stress than it's worth.

20 weeks. Half way there and I know time is going to fly. 

Our Crazy Blessed Life

Yes, I have been severely neglecting this blog. Shortly after my gall bladder surgery, we started seeing a fertility specialist. We quickly determined that I was probably having trouble ovulating, not ovulating quick enough, and that my hormones were unbalanced which was causing all of the cysts. I was put on metformin (supposed to help control blood sugar levels which lead to hormonal imbalances) as well as femara which is actually a breast cancer drug that forces a healthier, faster ovulation. The metformin was terrible to start on and I was constantly sick. The femara was easy though. I kept tracking my cycle and I was getting nervous but finally on day 18 I ovulated. So far that was the earliest it had ever happened for me. I did not expect to get pregnant, but was just happy to see that my body was responding.

Well.. 8 days later I took a test (being the patient person I am). The line was so faint I thought I was crazy… so I waited until the next day. The next day I couldn't deny it. The line was so light but it was there. I was so excited but immediately fear and anxiety crept back in because I had light lines before.. I never dark lines which signaled a healthy pregnancy. I tracked tests like a crazy person to make sure they were darkening and they did. I asked for blood work anyway to calm myself down. My first beta level at 12 DPO (days past ovulation) came back at 186. To put this into comparison, with my failed pregnancy my level at 14 DPO had been 24. HUGE difference. I went back one more time at 15 DPO and I only needed to have roughly 450 in order for it to look healthy. The number that came back was 598.

I didn't post on this blog because I still wanted to make it to 12 weeks first. I knew that there were still things that could go wrong. Every check box has been an amazing gift. From the healthy blood work to my first ultrasound that only showed me that the baby was in fact in my uterus to the first time I saw and heard the heartbeat. Last week we found out that we are having a baby girl! And so far she is looking extremely healthy and active. I will be 16 weeks pregnant on Wednesday and I think that it is finally sinking in that this baby is meant to be and that I am not going to lose her. It's scary because there will always be things that can go wrong… but I am starting to finally relax and enjoy being pregnant even when I feel like crap. Unfortunately, I am starting to have a lot of my old IBS symptoms back which I am sure is just from all the changes happening in my body and the fact that I am off all the medication that helped me with it. She is completely worth it though. I am willing to go through ANYTHING to get this baby here safe and healthy.

Here is a picture of our little girl:

Emergency Room and Fertility Answers

Since my last post, I have been able to find out and discover more answers than I thought I would get for awhile. For that, I am extremely grateful. On May 12th, I left work thinking I had the flu. I had woken up that morning and was trying a new diet so I had eaten broccoli and eggs (I should know that broccoli is not my friend after multiple times of throwing it up over the years) and I wasn't feeling too well. I went to work thinking that it would pass but I noticed the nausea was just getting worse. I had a pretty important work meeting though so I stayed and went to it. In the middle of the meeting, I actually had to run out of the room to throw up in the bathroom. I never throw up.. It's not something that happens easily for me. I went back to the meeting and my body would not stop shaking. It was the type of body shakes that make your muscles ache. So, I decided to go home. I had to pull over multiple times to throw up and by the time I made it home I felt like death. I pretty much slept the whole day until Kyle came home that night with creamies and soup. Although I was starving, I couldn't eat that well. I'd have one bite and my appetite would just die.

I rested until Wednesday when I realized that it wasn't getting better. Usually the flu improves after the first day and turns to body aches and fatigue. I wasn't throwing up anymore but I honestly felt like my body was shutting down. So, I went to the emergency room (usually would go instacare but my family has hit our maximum out of pocket on our insurance ha ha). They tested me and found blood in my urine and assumed I had a kidney infection/UTI. They gave me fluids and sent me right back home. I still felt terrible so I was pretty unhappy going home. It was my typical experience with doctors. That night, Kyle brought me home food from panda express. Literally, again, two bites and I wasn't interested anymore. By this point, after being sick for only 3 days, I was already down five pounds. I ended up sleeping on the couch that night and was up all night because of a fever and my whole body hurting. I took an antibiotic and just hoped that it would stay down so I could start to feel better. I was pretty freaked out by this point because I knew it was getting to that point that I was dehydrating and starting to worsen. I told Kyle the next morning that I just wanted and IV again because I couldn't take care of myself haha.. so we went back to the emergency room at 4:30 in the morning and checked back in.

This time when they went to give me and IV it didn't go as well. I was not happy as they had to dig around quite a bit and I was pretty dehydrated and still feeling very ill. At this point they gave me morphine and the experience was much better for awhile. They were able to get all the blood they needed and once again collected a urine sample which did not look normal at all. My liver levels came back elevated so they immediately scheduled a CT scan. At this point they thought it was my appendix. The CT scan was pretty easy although it causes some pretty weird sensations if you have never had one. After the CT scan they found fluid in my abdomen so they decided to do an ultrasound. At this point, it was getting difficult because Kyle had to run to our house to accept a delivery from RC willey. My mom had just shown up though so that helped. The ultrasound ended up showing two things. The one that would have any impact that day was that they couldn't find my gallbladder. The one that would impact my life from that point forward was that my ovaries were covered in cysts. They figured that the fluid in my abdomen was from a cyst that had burst.

I knew something was wrong with my body and I've known for awhile, but I couldn't get any doctors to take it seriously because i'm young, healthy, and we hadn't been trying to have children for more than a year. I finally had what I needed to get help, but in that moment I was devastated. I've honestly felt like I am broken since I was 18. I have dealt with health issues that have affected my quality of life since then and I knew that this was going to be yet another one. The doctors did a physical to make sure there was nothing seriously wrong and I don't even think I was in my body. All I could think was that my body killed my baby, that it was my fault I miscarried. I know logically now that there was no way I could have known, but the emotional side of me didn't care.

I was still pretty sick so they decided to admit me until they could get me in for a hida scan that night. By this point I hadn't had anything to eat or drink since 4:30 that morning so I was dying to get everything figured out. I was so swollen from all the fluids they were putting through my body I had to take my ring off and my wrist was starting to ache from holding my hand up lol. Finally they took me for a HIDA scan and I literally slept through that whole entire thing. You are supposed to hold still for like an hour and a half in a machine so I just relaxed and tried to ignore my body. They were still not able to find my gallbladder then even when they tried to stimulate it with morphine.

I ended up going into surgery that night at 9:30 pm to remove it. Usually I get nervous before going under but at that point I just wanted it out. When I came out of surgery I was so happy because I already felt better and I could finally drink water. I slept and drank water all night until they brought me food the next morning. As hungry as I was, food wasn't that great still but I was able to eat a little bit. The worst part of after surgery was every time I would stand up my lungs would freak out and I felt like I had a huge wave of air being forced through them. It was extremely painful and unfortunately didn't go away for about a week. I think it was from laying in bed so long  and then having surgery and not taking deep breathes. I was pretty much having to open my lungs again.

So, I finally know why I've been struggling to have kids and why I miscarried. Maybe I will post later about how I am handling that and what steps we are taking. As bad as that experience was, it allowed me to finally get help and to have answers. So, I am happy. And I am grateful.