Set Yourself Up For Success, Don't Expect It To Fall In Your Lap

I think there is something that I have realized lately and it has to do with what makes me happy in life and what will ultimately get me to where I want to be. It's the fact that what you do with your everynday time is extremely important. I can't stand being unproductive and I don't think I could ever live a life where I don't accomplish anything. Even if I was extremely rich (which I doubt lol), I would still have to be working towards something. Otherwise, what's the point? If you aren't going to leave behind anything in life then why are you here?

Too often, people I know base their personal happiness around those that are in their lives. Now, don't get me wrong. I think it is extremely important to have family, friends, and loved ones to be by your side in life. I don't take any of that for granted. But, it can't and shouldn't define you. If it does, every time there is drama or someone hurts you it will feel like your whole world is crashing down. You've got to have a separate aspect of your life that defines your own personal happiness or you will get lost in everyone else's lives. Let's face it, everyone has their own agenda and goals in life and if you don't have that for yourself you will constantly feel let down by others that you aren't priority #1.

Maybe I can blame this on the fact that I am an introvert and that I truly enjoy my alone time. I enjoy taking time to accomplish goals on my own. However, I still think it is something that so many people can learn from. I get tired of hearing people bitch about how they would be so much happier if they just had someone in their lives. It's not true. You have to be happy with you first before another person can ever truly complete your life.

So, with that in mind, I want to continue with my obsessive behavior and set some goals that will make me happy. Lately, I have been stuck in a loop of procrastination and time wasting and I refuse to stay in it. Part of it has been because I have been really sick lately, but it's going to swallow my life if I don't pull out of it.
So, here we go:

1) I need to write more often. I may have to start writing just on my computer because to be honest, I don't feel comfortable writing everything online. There is a whole different side to me that I'm not sure I want to share with just everyone. But, the point is, I need to write. Maybe I'll start creative writing or maybe I'll just make a log of incessant bitching every day. Either way, I just need to write. It makes me happy and it gives me a purpose.

2) I need to organize my homework better. Not just write down what I need to do, look at the list, and then groan and turn away from it. Lol. I need to actually set goals that absolutely need to be accomplished daily so that I don't get overwhelmed. I've got two semesters left and I refuse to let my whining stop me from getting this degree.

3) I need to organize my personal space better. I have been so overwhelmed with life lately and it's made me fall behind on keeping my room the peaceful place that I absolutely need amongst the chaos of my life. This needs to be fixed. If I don't have a calm setting to go to, none of my other goals are going to get accomplished.

4) I need to figure myself out. This is going to take a lot and take some time, but I need to start seriously considering exactly what I want out of my life when I complete school. I need to start looking at what type of job I want with my degree, if I want to go to law school, where I want to live, etc. I've been avoiding it, but I need to start taking small steps to figure this stuff out. I need to have something to look forward to and realize that the place I am at now is definitely not going to last much longer.

5) I need to continue to take care of my body and my health. I have been doing a lot better at this, but I need to keep it up and not slack off on certain days. I need to drink more water and continue to work out as much as I can because it will only make me feel better in the long run.

So, we'll start with that. I know it sounds like a lot (and it is), but I need some type of motivation to get me out of my rut and nothing does that better than overwhelming myself with a ton of goals. I might not accomplish them all at once, but at least it's something to focus towards.

With that in mind, I have to get back to another long list of mine. My homework.

Black Swan

Black Swan is an amazing movie. I've seen it twice now and I couldn't be more in love with it. I think it was very well done and even though it's not the most uplifting movie, it is still something I find myself hooked on. I love Natalie Portman anyway because no matter what movie she is in she always does a fantatic job at portraying whatever character she is. She also isn't an actress (Jennifer Aniston, Catherine Heigl) who plays the same damn character no matter what the movie is.

This movie made me want to learn how to dance haha. I doubt I could ever be that coordinated, but I thought the ballet in this movie was very well done especially since the actresses only trained for a year before shooting. I was worried I would be bored out of my mind with the dancing scenes, but it was actually really interesting to watch. This movie had just enough balance to where the dancing was still important but it didn't take over the whole movie. There was still plenty of back story and drama that was involved around Portman's character.

I loved the people that got up and left during the movie because of a sexual scene between Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis (who, by the way, is also becoming one of my favorites). It just astounds me that people go to an adult movie and because there is a sexual scene between two women instead of a man and a women that it is absolutely disgusting and something they can't handle. Grow up, Utahns, they didn't even show anything so if it was that bad it was your own imagination getting carried away with you. I also noticed that one of the guys that walked out yesterday made sure he took his time while walking out. Sorry, but it just gets old that people refuse to see that humans are sexual by nature and become so damn offended. No one is asking you to behave like a slut nor will you turn into one by watching a movie.

Anyway, if you haven't seen this movie, I highly recommend it. I don't know if I would necessarily call it life changing (it does involve a lot of mental health issues), but it was still well done and a lot better than the typical movies we see coming out lately.

Astrological Signs Shift

Alright, so I'm sure everyone has heard by now that the all of our preconceived notions about what our signs are have apparently been wrong. For 20 years, I've been a Gemini which means that I am energetic, charismatic, communicative, witty, and that I have a child-like fascination with the world and with new experiences. I've been pretty comfortable with this sign and although I'm not obsessed with my sign it's something that I felt like was a part of me.. even if it was in a small way.

Now, all the sudden, I am a Taurus. Not that I mind giving up the "split personality" sign and accepting a... bull? Haha. Interestingly enough (or maybe i'm just convincing myself) Taurus actually fit me better. The characteristics of a Taurus include stable, conservative, home-loving, people who rarely get upset. A Taurus knows their own strength but usually handles situations with dignity and self-control. Taurus is also the most stubborn of all zodiac signs. I can say one thing about myself.. I am very, very stubborn.

So, depending on what source you read this shift is either bullshit or it's real. Honestly, I can see traits of myself in all zodiac signs. I've never been too reliant on horoscopes because most people's horoscopes can fit me some days. I would never get a tattoo for either one because I don't think this stuff defines me. It's just interesting to follow. It's funny because I checked what signs I was compatible with and according to those charts me and Kyle are not compatible at all.

I guess I'll just have to define myself based off of my own life experiences and discover my own personality traits instead of relying on horoscopes to tell me who I am or how to live. Weird concept.. I know. For now, I guess I'll just be a Gemiarus or Taurmini..

I wonder how much people will be using the pick up line "What's your sign?" It's probably going to start a lot more conversation than it used to. :)

Vulnerability

Man, am I starting to struggle with school. Maybe it's just because it's Wednesday and I've finally made it through the hard part of my school week, but wow.. I am just exhausted. I will finish school, but I will be counting every week that goes by until I am done.. because everything is starting to get so close. By the way, there are 12 weeks and 2 days left of school. This doesn't count Monday which I have off or the Monday in February I have off. :) Thank god for a shorter spring semester and for more holidays in the spring semester as well. I guess it wouldn't be so hard if it wasn't for my constant physical issues that I feel like I am going to have to deal with the rest of my life.

I'm going to have a vulnerable moment for just a bit here, which is something I try to avoid but...

It is really hard to look around and see all these people enjoying their education and their young lives while I know that mine will forever be crippled by pain.

It is really hard to put a smile on my face anyway and pretend nothing is wrong because I don't want to be judged or treated differently from my teachers.

It is really hard to count down the hours, the minutes, and the seconds for each class because I know if I can just make it through those countdowns I will get through school.

It is really hard to not be able to just eat and to enjoy food and to have to make up a lame excuse anytime someone wants to do something that involves eating.

It is really hard to know that I can't make plans weeks or months ahead of time because I'll have no idea if I can physically handle it.

It is really hard to pretty much lose all of my close friends because it is impossible for me to maintain relationships when my life revolves around.. once again.. physical pain.

It is really hard to be in any type of new situation because I know that my body will tense up and be in pain... which only makes it worse.

It is really hard to know that there is no cure, no solution, and that this is probably how I will feel for the rest of my life.

I'd like to lie and turn this post around and talk about all the positive things in my life that magically overcome the pain... but I don't lie. There are happy moments in my life and there are painless moments in my life (this is rare). However, this constant pain and struggling is just.. exhausting. It's very tiring and disappointing to know that I can only do so much with my future and even then I'll never be able to accomplish as much as I would like to. Sure, I will get my bachelor's degree and sure.. I will probably get a decent job. But I could've done so much more and I could've been so much better.

Embrace Change.

All I've got to say about life sometimes is WOW. It is just amazing to look around at the people in my life and to look at my own life and see how fast things change. The people that end up together, the couples that don't make it, and the families that are constantly shifting and changing. It is just amazing and the best part about it all is that everyone finds their way somehow. Everyone goes through hard times, but everyone also finds happiness in their own way and I am just amazed. I know this seems really obvious, but it's something that I am learning to appreciate because I tend to resist change in some ways.

This season has been a little bit difficult for me because I have had the same routine/traditions for the last 5 years. So every time an event has gone by it's been a reminder of just how much my life has changed and how it will never be like it used to be. After getting through it though, I have realized that I'm glad my life has changing because I truly believe it's only going to go up from here.

I am lucky to have met someone who is honest, hardworking, and one of the most caring people I have ever met. He is hands down one of the most inspiring individuals I've ever known in my life and I am just amazed at how much he has been through to be by my side. He also happens to have one of the most loving and accepting families that I have ever had the chance to meet and I am happy to just be a part of it all and to be able to love someone who is so amazing. We've been together for 6 months today and we haven't had a single fight. It is such a good feeling to know that I can be in such a healthy relationship after everything I've gone through.

I guess the lesson I can take from this is that even at my worst something as amazing as him happened. So, as I continue to face challenges in my life and go through hard times, I know that it can always turn around and be amazing again.

Christmas & Resolutions

So.. Christmas was amazing. :) I was worried it was going to be too different, too unfamiliar, too new. What I found was that it was a lot different than what I was used to, but it was relaxing and fun. It was good seeing my family and I got to spend some down time with Kyle. This doesn't happen to often anymore between him working and me getting ready to go back to school so it was nice to just enjoy time together. I was able to get a lot of stuff to redo my room and I am so happy with it. My room is so peaceful and relaxing now; the only downside is that it is so hard to drag my butt out of bed now. Lol I'm okay with that though.
Kyle was cute and got us matching hoodies and sweats (hence the pictures). I love snuggly things so I was pretty damn happy. My mom got me the biggest, softest blanket I've ever had. Anyway, besides Christmas I of course have some resolutions in mind. I hate the concept because I find that if I call something a New Year's Resolution I usually don't follow through on it. However, I have two that I feel pretty dedicated to. The first is to get to the point where I can run 30 minutes straight at least 3 times a week. I've let my endurance drop quite a bit, so right now It's only about 15-20 minutes. The second is to start changing my diet and hopefully improving how bad my stomach problems have been. I have already started working towards that as well. So although I will call them resolutions, they are goals that I want to do regardless of the time of the year.

I am starting to realize just how much my life has changed. Sometimes it's difficult because I feel a little lost and then I remind myself of everything I've gone through to get here and it's just amazing. Hopefully, next year will continue to get even better. <3

Thankful

So, the dorky picture is unrelated, I just thought it was funny. I love THIS. This feeling of content and happiness that is finally washing over me is amazing. I wish that it could be like this every day and I know that eventually I will get closer to that. I've spent so much of my life looking back and obsessing over stuff I can't control and so moments like this are just so freeing.

I'm thankful for where I'm at in life. I never thought I'd get to that point after everything (such an understatement), but I feel like I'm where I am supposed to be now. I feel like all the moments have led up to this point and I can't wait to see what happens next. I have so many goals and dreams for my future, but mostly.. I am just happy for the now. :)

I'm thankful for my family. They could've kicked mt out when I left Tyler, but they didn't. They have been right by my side even when I couldn't see it and I'm glad. I love them to death.

I'm thankful for Kyle. He's been my bright light through all this darkness and I love how safe I feel with him. I trust him completely (which was really hard for me to accomplish at first) and I have so much fun with him. I can't believe how lucky I am to have him in my life.

I'm thankful for my little stinker, Laila. She is such a pain, but she has gotten so cute and big and I wouldn't want it any other way. I love my puppy. :)

I'm just happy to be.
And I couldn't ask for more.

Enough Already.

Wow. It must suck to know that after everything you've done, that you are still lying. I know for sure about one lie and I am 95% sure about the other one and it just amazes me that you still continue to lie. But it also makes me breathe a sigh of relief. I know I made the right choice; I think I've always known that. I just can't believe you can continue with this fake illusion that you call living. I wish that, for yourself, you would wake up and stop doing that to the people in your life and to for once, just be an honest person. Anyway, it doesn't even matter anymore, I just want you to know that you still suck at it and I wish you would knock it off. I couldn't make you change after 5 1/2 years though, so it probably isn't going to happen.

Wasn't it ever enough? I mean there is only so many times you can get caught and continue to do so. There is only so many times you can watch people who care about you be destroyed by your actions and your inability to grow up and just be honest. You still continue to bullshit me and tell me how you have life so figured out finally and how you are a better person and how you had all these plans for your life. I was genuinely happy for you, but you know what.. it's probably all a lie.

I'm frustrated and I'm angry because every single day I wonder if something else with us was a lie. So many things that I didn't even notice and now I can't get them out of my head because I know that I wasn't worth giving the truth to and that I still am not. And that is why we probably won't ever even be friends... because that's a pretty shitty friendship especially when I know for sure you are still lying. Don't worry, it wasn't even close to that point anyway, but just wow.. I can't believe the web of betrayal that you created and how, even now, you just keep spinning it.

And you know what.. I didn't deserve the way you treated me. I didn't deserve to be in the type of relationship I was in. I did deserve someone who respected me enough to be honest with me and who could build a happy and healthy relationship with me. I deserved to create a good, solid future with someone and to get married and to start a family. But all that was taken away because of one thing and one thing only.

I guess all I can say now is thank you because at least I won't have to wonder for the rest of my life. Now, I know.

School/Life Update

Wow, has time flown. Every year seems to go by quicker and quicker and I'm finally starting to see just how fast life will pass me by if I don't take advantage of it. I've also been busy as hell working on my degree and I am happy to say that I can finally see the end. All I have left this semester is 3 exams, 1 practical, 2 lab reports, and 1 big group project. Next semester is going to be really difficult, but after that I will only have two classes in the fall and then I am done.

Schedule Next Semester:
Industrial Microbiology MWF 8:30-9:20am
Industrial Micro Lab M 1:30-4:20pm
Microbial Genetics MWF 9:30-10:20am
Micro Genetics Lab W 1:30-4:20pm
Biochemistry MWF 10:30-11:20
Biochemistry Lab T 2:30-5:20
Tropical Diseases TR 11:30-1:20

Seem busy? Haha, it will be. I figured I'd rather have one way hard semester and then an easy one, so there it is. I know I can do it though and I know it will be worth it. I'm probably going to take at least a couple years off of school to work full time after I get my Bachelor's degree. Get my loans paid off and work on building up my credit as best as I can. Also work on becoming more independent and finding a house with a nice yard for Laila. I really want to go to Law School and I'm going to aim my life in that direction, but I know that it wont' be easy.

I can't believe I am seriously going to be done. It's taken a bit longer than I would've liked, but I am seriously going to be a graduate and it's an amazing feeling to have hard work actually pay off. I just hope that it will give me the jumpstart I need on my life because the economy has just been depressing so far. I've been trying to find a job for awhile so I can work while I'm in school, but the problem is that most people want full time workers and I just can't do that with my schedule.

I am doing everything I can to improve my life and who I am, but I know I still have such a far way to go. I need to work on being more productive in life and taking better care of my body. I think that as long as I organize myself that I can get myself to the point I want to be in life. So many exciting things are going to be happening and I can't wait to take them on. :)

Expect to be Surprised

So, I completely suck at updating this blog. For some reason, I just can't write and when I do, it's usually not on here. Maybe making a blog public was a dumb mistake haha because whether I admit it to myself I use it to hold myself back. I guess my biggest change in my life has been this amazing person. <3 I don't know how/why it happened and I didn't even think I deserved it after all I went through, but I'm so glad I met him. I honestly thought it would take so long before I could open my heart up to anyone again, but when I met Kyle I knew that it was something special, something different and I knew that there was no way I could let it pass by because of fear.


I feel like I've lived my whole life in fear: fear of not being good enough, fear of loved ones letting me down, fear of being alone, fear of not being accepted, fear of not being loved, fear of everything falling apart. I guess I've decided I need to let that part of me go because if I don't, I'll keep getting the same result I've had so far.. and so I did. Yeah, I still have my days where I get scared and want to run away, but I definitely choose not to.

I love this person so much and it's scary because I have learned that in life if we love then we risk getting hurt and that most of the time, we do get hurt. I'm not in a rush to get married or have babies like a lot of people seem to be, but I still feel so lucky. My perspective on life and who I am as a person has changed so much and I know that I did it myself, but it certainly helped to have someone cheering me on the whole way and reassuring me that I am worth it. I've never felt so beautiful as I do when I am with him and I've never felt so able and willing to go after my goals. I feel so strong and so loving and it's amazing. I can't believe I met him just four months ago. As hard as it's been for me to move on from Tyler and even though I still miss him, I know that I will make it through and I know that Kyle is definitely supposed to be in my life.

So, if you read this babe, thank you so much. Thank you for being brave enough to deal with all of my baggage and for assisting me every step of the way these last few months. Thank you for coming through every single time I needed someone to be there and for making me feel completely safe when normally I would've been so scared. I love you so much.