House Updates

So, we have made an offer on two houses. One of them was accepted today and sent to the bank for approval. Now we have to wait anywhere from 3 weeks to 3 months to see if the bank will move forward with the short sale. I'm getting really excited and hoping that one of the two works out because both would be a great opportunity for Kyle and I to start our lives in. They are actually both right across the street from each other and both are 3 bedroom 3 bathrooms. Our first priority is very immaculate and has been well taken care of (these were both built in 2005 by the way) and we love the layout the most overall. The 2nd floor has jack and jill bathrooms in between the two additional rooms which I found way cute. It also has a way nice back patio and an area where we could plant grass. The 2nd house (the one with the accepted offer) is also very nice and has a much bigger yard. The yard will definitely be a project, but i'm okay with that. The layout isn't as great upstairs, but the layout downstairs is super open and nice.
Both houses would make me incredibly happy; now I just have to be patient and wait to see what happens. In the meantime, I'm going to continue to work my ass off and save up money.

Kyle got hurt today at work. I feel like crap because he didn't want to stress me out so I didn't even find out until after work. It really gets to me that my illness can be so overwhelming that my number one in life can't even tell me when he is hurt. It's hard when I didn't even get the chance to be there for him and although I know his intentions were good, i have to know about things like that. I can't spend my days wondering if he is really okay if I haven't heard from him. I hate the line of work he is in and I can't wait until he can finally get out of it. I care about him way too much to have to constantly worry about things going wrong. He will be okay, but his arm was pretty torn up (to the muscle) and he had to get a lot of stitches. At least his work will pay for it (like they should).

So, that's my updates for now. Now I am off to sleep so I can get up and do another long day.

Moving Forward

So, life is going to be super busy for awhile. I just started school this week on top of working full time and to make life even more busy Kyle and I are looking to buy a house together. We've already qualified for a loan, so now we are at the fun part of looking at houses and making an offer. We found one we really really love yesterday. It was built int 2005 but it has been so taken care of that it looks brand new. It's a 3 bedroom 3 bathroom which we don't necessarily need now but it could be good for the future. :) It also has a little yard for Laila to play in which is really important to me at least. We are going to look at another house today that is right across the street so hopefully that one works out well so we have some choices. Either way, It will be awhile because we are going for short sales so that we can make some money on the house when we want to resell. I'm actually hoping everything comes through around Christmas time so that I can be completely done with school.

My body is hating my new schedule of pretty much 15 hour days now that school has started. I've been really sick and drained, but at least its my last semester. I only have 14 weeks left and I will have my bachelor's degree and then I can focus on my career and building my life with Kyle. I can't believe how much I can handle though. Even four months ago, I didn't think I could ever hold down a full time job because of being sick all the time. I'm glad that I face my fears in life instead of running and I love proving to myself just how strong I am and how much I can do if I wanted it bad enough.

I don't know if I believe in God, but I do believe that we are given challenges in life so that we can grow and learn from them. In that sense, I feel extremely lucky because I know that I am going to be a very strong person. I've gone through quite a bit and I'm finally getting to the point where I just can't feel bad about it anymore. It's extremely comforting to know that I can get through the day, that I can work, that I can still go out and have fun despite feeling pretty crappy most of the time. It's amazing that I have found someone who can be equally supportive while still pushing me to be better at the same time. I never saw my life going in the direction it has, but I'm really happy that it is. I'm excited/anxious to finally start moving forward with a new chapter in life.

Updates 10 Aug 2011

So, I'm finally locked in at my job. It is such a good feeling to finally know that for sure I have a job. That, even though I'm going back to school, I will still have financial stability and still be able to work towards my goals. It's amazing how if I just back off in my life a little bit that the little pieces actually fall into place. Sometimes I need to remember to just relax and live in the moment because stressing about the future doesn't really help me get to it. I already know my plans, I know what needs to be done, so I just need to suck it up and work my ass off until I make it. My goals right now are to get my debt paid down as much as I possibly can by the beginning of next year so that I can move out with Kyle. Kyle's main focus right now is to get a more stable job that we know will last through winter seasons.

I can't believe that I start school in less than two weeks. I would say I was excited, but I'm really not. I'm so burned out with school and ready to be done, especially since I already have a job in what I'm majoring in. I'm just going to push through it though because it's my last two classes and I will officially have a bachelor's degree. Can't believe that I will already be done with college this December. It feels like i just started high school ha ha, I hate how fast time flies.

Still working on my stomach problems. It seems to be getting worse for now. On the upside, i got my first chiropractic adjustment last week and it felt AMAZING. I definitely think I am going to get another one tomorrow. I didn't realize how much pain I was putting up with until after that; makes my job so much easier to handle. I'm just thinking that my next step is going to have to be to find a reputable hypnotherapist that can mind fuck me because nothing else seems to be working. Either way, I'm not going to stop fighting through it because once I give up then I have no hope in getting better.

Need to Stop Thinking About Kids

Am I a bad person if I am more excited to have kids then to get married? I feel like I can be happy with a person without necessarily being married. It's not that I'm against marriage; I just feel weird when it comes to all the legal issues. Celebrating your life with someone is awesome, just not sure I want the government involved.

I really want kids though. Ha ha, I feel like I am thinking through things backwards. Obviously, it's going to be awhile because I am not even done with school and I would like to be as financially stable as possible before embarking on a lifetime journey of parenthood. I will be pretty excited when the day comes.

In the last month, I've had two dreams about being pregnant/having a baby. In the first dream, I was pregnant with twin boys that were at different stages. Bizarre, but whatever. Last night I had a dream that I had a baby boy. I'm starting to get the sense that I either really subconsciously want a baby boy or that's what is really going to happen.

Anyway, for now I am going to be a responsible adult and enjoy being young and kidless. I'd like to see some of the world and spend some quality time living with Kyle first before any of this happens.

What I wish I knew then.

We have so much control over everything in life and it's crazy how much we fail to realize it. So often we make excuses for why our lives our shitty, why life is hard, why we can't do things, etc.

I don't know why my body was given the illness that I have, but I have learned some life lessons and some things about myself that have really helped me through some tough things.

First, I have learned that I can withstand way more physical pain then I ever thought possible. This is something I learned pretty young, but it has been interesting to see how many boundaries I have overpassed without wanting to. I know that everything we get through makes us stronger, so I can consider this a good thing.

Second, I have learned that my mind has a tremendous amount of power and control over how I feel about my life. I've also learned that I have the power to control and change it when I want and that I don't have to let fear and anxiety rule my life. This one has been extremely tough to overcome, but I think I am finally starting to get it.

I had a rough time from the age of 13-18. Like any normal person, I had bad things happen to me and people broke my trust. Where I screwed up was my inability to deal with it. Instead of facing it how I should have, I choose to constantly look back on my past as an excuse to feel bad about my life and an excuse to be an unhappy person. Stupid, and so much time wasted. But I know now. Shit happens, pain happens, death happens, trust will be broken, some people are bad. Things happen not necessarily for a reason, but so that I can be broken down and then learn the lesson as I build myself up again. No other type of experience can give me as much growth as pain and that is why I finally consider my illness a good thing. Am I like everyone else? Not at all. I can't go out whenever I want, I can't eat whatever I want, I can't relax in social situations, I can't make a ton of casual friends. It's just not something that is possible for me to achieve at this point in time. However, what I can do is build stronger relationships with those that I am close to, I can open my heart to trust again (Kyle), and I can put myself in a mentally positive position. I can appreciate my life even if it's not what is considered "Cool." I get so sick of the constant competition of who does more crazy shit on the weekend. Guess what? I'm happy spending time with my family, camping, fishing, and going to movies with Kyle. I love appreciating the simple things in life and cuddling up with my puppy. I love being around drama-free people (huge reason why I really like Kyle's family) and I have nothing to prove.

I know who I am, I know where I've been, and I know how to move forward. I know that looking back will never give me anything good. I know that the lessons that were needed have been learned and that the rest of my past needs to be let go. I know that the confidence and belief that I have within is 100x more important than the judgements that people who barely know me can make. I know that I deserve to be around people who treat me well, who are honest, and who are genuinely good. I know that i still have a long road ahead of me and am not nearly done with fighting my illness. I know that I have the power to fight and to have a good life and I know that I won't give up.

Quick Update (Work, Doctor, Kyle, Repeat)

Just a quick update while I have a few minutes to myself. Life has been going pretty crazy still. A lot of work, seeing a new doctor, and trying to balance a relationship with Kyle in the middle of it all. And school hasn't even started for me yet ha ha. Anyway, I'm unsure about my new doctor and whether or not I believe it will work out. I really want it to, but it is definitely a weird and alternative approach.

Kyle and I are about to head up to Huntington Reservoir to go camping and fishing. I'm so excited. So far this year, we've only been to the sand dunes and although it was a fun time, I miss the mountains and fishing. I have a feeling this trip will be a lot more peaceful then the last one as well. I am so excited to get to spend some time with Kyle finally without having to worry about going to bed before work (although we never go to bed early).

I'm really loving life right now despite the challenges I still face. On a daily basis, people at work make me feel stupid/awkward about me not eating. I have no idea how I can explain to them the severity of my illness or if people would even care so I just haven't tried yet. I've told one person, but I'm not sure if I am happy I did. It's definitely a vulnerable feeling knowing that someone knows and that he could tell everyone anytime he wants. Right now, my biggest focus is on my future with kyle and working hard now so I can save up to get a place early next year. I don't want to make the stupid mistake of jumping the gun this time and have all that financial stress on our relationship. I am also 90% sure that I am going to get hired on full-time (benefits and all) pretty soon here. I just want to make sure everything lines up so that I know for sure we can make things work.

Anyway, that's my quick update. I don't have a lot of time to dig into things, but I thought I'd write a bit while I could.
I hope everyone has a fun and safe weekend! :)

Happy Perspective

I am loving life right now. I love being in situations that make me realize that life can really be amazing and that make me grateful for what I have in life. Last night was Crystal (Kyle's sister) and Craig's wedding and it was so fun. First of all, I'm not the typical girl who has always dreamed about having a wedding and everything down to the last detail. In fact, weddings to me have always been kind of stressful. I don't want to worry about planning out every little detail and I also have always dreaded all the formalities that can make weddings feel impersonal. Now, I'm not against these things if that's what you want. It's your day so you should plan accordingly. It's just not for me. I realized last night that it's possible to have a really good wedding while still making it about family and coming together. For awhile, I've wanted to get married on the beach somewhere to keep it small (yes, that's me avoiding stress) and then to just have a reception at home later on. However, I really liked how their wedding was done. It was simple, but it was still elegant and they still followed some of the traditions. It was just a really fun time and allowed family to come together and just celebrate together. That's all I could really hope for.

I love Kyle's family. Whenever I go around, it is always really fun and stress free. Everyone is so accepting and I love getting to see where he comes from and getting to hear any embarrassing stories that people are willing to offer about him. It helps me to see an entire different side of him and it also helps solidify so many of the things that I love about him. I am very lucky to be with someone as amazing and loving as Kyle is. It's been a little over a year and I couldn't ask for a better relationship.

Anyway, after last night I really want to move out to Eagle Mountain. Kyle and I have already been planning to move out sometime next year and I actually really like it out there. The rent is a lot cheaper, the houses are way nice, and it would be nice to be closer to his family.

So, yes, I'm a little high on life right now. :)

Updates July 2011

So speaking of "Fighting for my Life", I am going to a new doctor on Monday. It's another alternative doctor, but I'm getting desperate and my health problems are continuing to spiral downward. It makes it difficult to function as a normal person when every morning I have to wake up 3 hours before work because I get so sick I wouldn't make it on time otherwise. It's hard to have to socially isolate myself because so many focus their interactions around food. It's hard to work 10 hour shifts and not be able to eat a real meal the whole time because I can't afford to get sick at work.

Anyway, he is more focused on the eastern medicine approach and energy flow through the body. Although that may sound weird, the only real therapy that has worked for me so far has been acupuncture which is also an eastern based practice. So, keeping my fingers crossed that this will do some good. He's an hour away so I'm hoping it's worth the drive as well. Either way, I'm going to keep struggling through this because I refuse to give up and accept the state that my body is in. It's bullshit and I'm only 21.

Still waiting to here from my work about whether I'll continue in the same department after this summer. I'm hoping so because I love my section, but there's only so much I can do to make that happen. The rest is up to corporate to decide.

Things with Kyle are going really well even though we are both crazy busy. We're both focusing on trying to save up money right now so that we can move out at the beginning of next year. We're trying to find a house to rent with a good yard for Laila and hopefully close by. My plan is to keep Laila at my parents during the day so she has some buddies to play with and doesn't cry all day. If we can't get a place close by i'll probably have to get her a buddy so she's not completely isolated. Kyle and I both work 10 hour shifts and on top of that he will be going to school too next year.

Blake is moving away which completely freaks me out. I felt like I had so much time before he was gone, but now it's already almost about to happen. He is on of the few that has stayed in my life over the years even when we were both going through a lot. Change in life is good though and I know that I would move out of Utah if I could ha ha.

Anyways, just some quick updates.

Fighting for your life.

I used to take my life for granted and think that the smallest things were such a huge inconvenience. I used to not really care about myself and lived in a self-destructive cycle of numbness. Then, I grew up and realized that the only person who can and who will fight for myself is me. I get tired of hearing people complain about being so unhappy and giving themselves a grocery list of excuses for why their life sucks. And I know life can be a bitch and that bad stuff happens everyday and I know that we all have struggles. Guess what? All anyone has control over is their own actions, their own attitude, and their own choices. If you want to choose to make bad decisions and to have a crappy attitude, then good riddance because your life is going to continue on the path to shit central. If you want to make an actual game plan to improve your life and to find what makes you happy, then you will eventually get there. It doesn't mean it will be easy, but nothing in life should be if it's really important. If your whole life is easy, then you have a serious problem you might want to examine.

I figured this out a long time ago, but it really hit at 18. I thought that I should take out all my problems on those that were close to me and blame it on everyone who wasn't perfect in my life. It was stupid and I learned quickly that 90% of the time the problem is within myself and can be fixed. It's hard to set aside our pride and admit that you were wrong, but I think it's what finally got me to a point in life where I can create my own happiness.

I face a lot of struggles in life on a daily basis and often it can make me feel extremely down. It is hard to appreciate life 100% of the time when I am in constant physical pain. It's hard to reach out to others when I feel the need to isolate and hide my problems because they are too embarrassing or hard to talk about. It's hard for me to keep moving forward with the same positive attitude when for 3 years I have struggled with something far worse then what I struggled with when I was a teenager. It makes me want to kick myself in the ass for being so stupid when I was 14 and for not seeing the bigger picture when my life was still pretty easy. It also makes me realize that all I have is the now and today. If I think today is bad, tomorrow may be even worse. So I appreciate my life as much as I can, forgive myself when I get down, and keep moving forward. Because its the only healthy direction I can survive in.

I didn't ever expect my life to go in this direction, but I realize that I am where I am for a reason and I just have to be happy with the good and see the bad as a learning experience.

Trust and Love in Relationships

Trust. I'm not quite sure what this word means to me anymore or how many people qualify to meet my standards of trust. I trust my family (mostly) and I trust a very few close friends, but besides that I feel like I constantly have to analyze the intentions of others. Here's the thing: when I was younger I trusted whatever people told me. It's not that I couldn't spot a clear lie and I did, but if people appeared to have good intentions then who I was I to even question it. This trickled over into my dating years and I was extremely quick to find out that most people, in fact, were not forthcoming with me. I learned fast and I only needed to learn each lesson once, but it was a quick handful that hit home very hard. My self-esteem was pretty much shattered when I met Tyler, but he became someone I could rely on to be there for me fast. I pretty much grew up with him and every challenge we faced together. However (and isn't there always a downside?) I started to realize over time that there was a huge issue of honesty in my relationship. They weren't necessarily big lies at first and it wasn't that he was unfaithful (that i'm aware of), but all these little lies started to add up to major trust issues.

I was naive and thought that through time we could just get over them and that I could learn to trust him again. I don't know if that is true because I never even had the chance to see if I could learn to trust him again. The lies never ended and to this day they still continue. To this day, the person he pretends to be with me (which is very rarely now, we barely even speak) is different then the person he acts like behind my back and it kills me that it never changed. But mostly, I am just done. Not done because I am too tired to stick up for myself, but finally just done pretending i'm okay with being treated like an idiot when I'm not. Tired of being fed bullshit for what purpose now? Besides to solidify what I already know and believe?

So, now I have been left with the personal responsibility to rebuild my faith in people and my faith in the ability to make a romantic relationship work. This is so much more difficult then it sounds when for 5 consistent years you are shown that trust is not real. However, I have come a long way in a year and with the help of numerous people in my life. When the break up happened, I was amazed of the support that I found through many outlets. I was able to go out, have fun, and eventually stumbled upon a new relationship. It hit fast, it hit hard, but it was a challenge sent to me and I knew that I was ready to take it on. I had struggled for so long and I didn't see any point in holding back in life any longer. I was still fairly cautious though because I didn't want to repeat any past mistakes.

I'm grateful to stay that I haven't repeated anything. My relationship now is a completely different experience in so many ways. For one, Kyle has never lied to me once. Not once. After a whole year, I have had complete honesty even when honesty has been stressful news to hear. I have never had to question the status of our relationship or worry about anything but my own personal feelings regarding a future with Kyle. It's been hard to start a new relationship while letting go of an old one and it's been a constant battle, but I'm finally seeing that I'm where I am for a reason. I do trust Kyle fully and know that he will tell me the truth even if it's not what I want to hear. And that's more then I can say compared to what I had over a year ago.

I know that the longer I continue to have a successful relationship, the more my faith in people will grow and the easier it will be for me to trust others. I will probably remain cautious with new people, but the people that are worth it will be able to cross those boundaries and I will open up until proven otherwise. I've already had to learn a hard lesson once; I don't need to purposely punish myself for the past over and over.

Anyway, I know. Kind of out of nowhere, but finding the motivation to write lately has been difficult. As always, hoping everyone is doing well and enjoying their week.